# Which of these is an acceptable way to break up with someone? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 9, 2013, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567 "2013-06-09T17:20:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2013, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567/21 "2013-06-09T22:40:23Z")
> [@L. G. Butts](#): > > Hero can do anything thing (s)he wants, but many of those would be an asshole move. That’s why I phrased the poll options as “Hero may,” not “Hero can.” The question is which options make her an asshole. ---
**Author:** ![PastTense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pasttense/32/14550_2.png) [@PastTense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PastTense)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2013, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567/22 "2013-06-09T22:42:02Z")
“Hero may send a snail-mail message.” I’m surprised this got so few results. This is traditionally known as a Dear John letter: > **[Dear John letter](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dear_john_letter)** > > A Dear John letter is a letter written to a man by his wife or romantic partner to inform him that their relationship is over, usually because his partner has found another lover. The man is often a member of the military stationed overseas, although the letter may be used in other ways, including being left for him to discover when he returns from work to an emptied house. > While the exact origins of the phrase are unknown, it is commonly believed to have been coined by Americans during World Wa... ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2013, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567/23 "2013-06-09T22:57:46Z")
Skald, you left out “Hold a surprise break up party at which all your friends are present.” Ne shitteth vous pas, with the very best of kind intent, my girlfriend did this to me. We’re still in touch with each other several decades later. ---
**Author:** ![Lasciel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e79b87/32.png) [@Lasciel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lasciel)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2013, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567/24 "2013-06-09T23:08:16Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > Skald, you left out “Hold a surprise break up party at which all your friends are present.” > > Ne shitteth vous pas, with the very best of kind intent, my girlfriend did this to me. We’re still in touch with each other several decades later. Ok, I’m really sorry to contribute to a hijack, but **Muffin** , I really need for you to explain what was going on in her mind at the time. I’m usually somewhat ok with attributing reasons and rationales to people who do things I can’t fathom doing, but I’m striking out coming up with “nice intent” reasons to do this? As for the relationship, Hero should be a mature adult, and let Leander know directly, in the most private and personal way possible, that it’s not going to work. If they’re meeting regularly for sex, then obviously the best time would be at the beginning of one of those nights. If they’re doing phone sex or skype sex, then those meetings would also be appropriate if the in-person thing didn’t work out within a reasonable time frame (a week or so?) For safety reasons, Hero should either be in her own house, or in a place where she can safely get away from Leander should he decide to not take rejection well. That would also be a reason for doing the breakup by phone or text/email/skype, but that’s a \*safety \*consideration, not a politeness consideration, so I didn’t vote that way. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2013, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567/25 "2013-06-09T23:30:01Z")
> [@PastTense](#): > > “Hero may send a snail-mail message.” > > I’m surprised this got so few results. This is traditionally known as a > Dear John letter: > [Dear John letter - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dear_john_letter) How about Hero mails Leander a break-up letter. Then Hero goes out on a date with Leander that evening and never mentions the impending arrival of the letter. Leander gets the letter the next day and realizes Hero knew they were breaking up but didn’t tell Leander in person during their date. Bonus points if they had sex after the date. Would this be the worst way to break up with somebody? ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2013, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567/26 "2013-06-09T23:32:40Z")
After a few months I would expect to someone to be able to break up face to face, or at least on the phone. I had someone break up with me by not communicating with me any more. It took about a week before I figured out what was up. We’d been seeing each other for a few months and then nothing. At that stage how hard is it really? ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2013, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567/27 "2013-06-09T23:39:57Z")
> [@PastTense](#): > > “Hero may send a snail-mail message.” > > I’m surprised this got so few results. This is traditionally known as a > Dear John letter: > [Dear John letter - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dear_john_letter) I only check my mail a couple times a week usually. So I’d be all, “Hi sweetie [in this scenario I call my man sweetie even though I really don’t], how was your day? Do you want to come over tonight?” and he’d be all “…um maybe you should check your mail”. Awkward! ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2013, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567/28 "2013-06-09T23:54:50Z")
> [@Lasciel](#): > > Ok, I’m really sorry to contribute to a hijack, but **Muffin** , I really need for you to explain what was going on in her mind at the time. I’m usually somewhat ok with attributing reasons and rationales to people who do things I can’t fathom doing, but I’m striking out coming up with “nice intent” reasons to do this? She wanted to break up nicely. Parties are nice, so break-up party. She didn’t want to spoil the break-up party by breaking up prior to it. Ergo surprise break-up party. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2013, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567/29 "2013-06-10T00:17:12Z")
Anything less than face-to-face, he better be deployed in Afghanastan and using Skype. 😛 (Not really.) Long distance relationships are barely real anyway; a phone call or email may suffice but don’t just change your status on Facebook to single. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2013, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567/30 "2013-06-10T03:49:22Z")
> [@Mrs.Cake](#): > > If you are old enough to be in a semi-committed sexual relationship, you are old enough to break up face to face in private. The only exception is if you are breaking up because you just discovered s/he tried to kill or injure the last person who broke it off. Do not argue with the Cake! Also, I agree. Unless life is on the line, there’s no reason not to do it in person. EXCUSES, sure. ---
**Author:** ![yellowjacketcoder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/4bbf92/32.png) [@yellowjacketcoder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowjacketcoder)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2013, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567/31 "2013-06-10T14:56:00Z")
It needs to be face to face - public or private doesn’t really matter to me. Telephone is only ok if there’s something preventing them from meeting face to face, like if one of them is on a 3 month internship across the country, but that’s not the situation here. The rest are cowardly. Gender doesn’t matter here. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2013, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567/32 "2013-06-10T15:06:37Z")
> [@yellowjacketcoder](#): > > It needs to be face to face - public or private doesn’t really matter to me. > > Telephone is only ok if there’s something preventing them from meeting face to face, like if one of them is on a 3 month internship across the country, but that’s not the situation here. I think telephone can be approriate in other circumstances. They be close to each other, but can’t work out meeting face to face quickly. One or the other may have difficulty keeping it together in a face to face encounter. It’s better to do it in person, but at least a phone call allows a two way conversation. ---
**Author:** ![yellowjacketcoder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/4bbf92/32.png) [@yellowjacketcoder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowjacketcoder)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2013, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567/33 "2013-06-10T15:16:50Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > They be close to each other, but can’t work out meeting face to face quickly. How much are they really dating if they can’t working out meeting face to face quickly? And really, a break up can wait a day or two if that’s what it takes. When I was dating, I would be able to squeeze in a face to face with my SO even if I was busy, as long as they indicated it was important. Of course, if they are not important enough to squeeze in, and you can’t wait for a day or two to see them in person, my opinion of the ulterior motives here is :dubious: > [@TriPolar](#): > > One or the other may have difficulty keeping it together in a face to face encounter. Then one or the other needs to man up and get over themselves. “I can’t keep it together” is the coward’s excuse for breaking up over phone/text/email. “The other person can’t keep it together” just means you need to break up in private, or you need to man up and deal with someone else being upset. In all cases above, I am using the generic ‘you’, not meaning you specifically, **TriPolar** ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2013, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567/34 "2013-06-10T15:21:59Z")
me + U = ☹ ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2013, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567/35 "2013-06-10T15:26:42Z")
> [@yellowjacketcoder](#): > > How much are they really dating if they can’t working out meeting face to face quickly? And really, a break up can wait a day or two if that’s what it takes. When I was dating, I would be able to squeeze in a face to face with my SO even if I was busy, as long as they indicated it was important. Of course, if they are not important enough to squeeze in, and you can’t wait for a day or two to see them in person, my opinion of the ulterior motives here is :dubious: > > Then one or the other needs to man up and get over themselves. “I can’t keep it together” is the coward’s excuse for breaking up over phone/text/email. “The other person can’t keep it together” just means you need to break up in private, or you need to man up and deal with someone else being upset. > > In all cases above, I am using the generic ‘you’, not meaning you specifically, **TriPolar** I don’t totally disagree, but I think there’s some leeway in there. As I said, best to be done in person. But when you make the ‘we have to talk’ call or email or text or whatever, it’s going to be interpreted as a break up. May as well get it over with. You could mean me specifically if you wanted, but I only was the breakuper once, all the other times I’ve been the breakupee. ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2013, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567/36 "2013-06-10T16:00:11Z")
Based on the parameters in the OP, I feel like at least a phone call is necessary, though an email or letter is understandable if Hero thinks there may be some other complications like argument or clinginess. Once a couple is dating exclusively, a text message, facebook, tweet, or other sort of thing just seems insufficient. I also think that if you’re planning to break up with someone and doing it in person, you’ve got to say it before sex, or you’re basically using them. Personally, I don’t think ignoring someone is ever appropriate. I can see just not initiating contact after one or two dates, but I think it’s at least worth clueing someone in if they initiate contact and only ignoring if they persist after a clear point of intent. I also think public breakups are just always a bad idea and just cruel. I can see mentioning something on facebook if it’s relevant to friends and family, like a long term couple or a divorce, but that should at least be after breaking up in a better way with the person specifically. It should never be the way someone finds out that they’ve been dumped; it’s really quite cruel. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2013, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567/37 "2013-06-10T16:00:35Z")
If I am in a short relationship of less than 6 months I simply might make a phone call and let them know it is not working and I have no further interest in trying to make it work. If someone is breaking up with me I just say OK thank you for your time. A long term relationship I would handle as the situation warranted but I would consider the others feelings in the process. In one case I continued to take calls that gradually became less frequent for about 1 year. Every case is different. ---
**Author:** ![Gagundathar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a183cd/32.png) [@Gagundathar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gagundathar)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2013, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567/38 "2013-06-10T16:01:37Z")
I can’t imagine a situation (other than the posited circumstance that Leander is likely to become homicidal) where a private one-on-one wouldn’t be the mandated solution. But, I am pretty old-school about this. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2013, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567/39 "2013-06-10T17:14:02Z")
You guys are weird. As I said upthread, I’d \*rather \*someone break up with me on the phone than in person. Would it still be so insulting, cowardly, offensive, etc. if they did it the way they knew I’d prefer? ---
**Author:** ![yellowjacketcoder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/4bbf92/32.png) [@yellowjacketcoder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowjacketcoder)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2013, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567/40 "2013-06-10T17:52:22Z")
> [@Blackberry](#): > > You guys are weird. As I said upthread, I’d \*rather \*someone break up with me on the phone than in person. Would it still be so insulting, cowardly, offensive, etc. if they did it the way they knew I’d prefer? I suppose the problem would be that, had you said that you prefer being broken up with by phone, I would assume that is one of those womanly things like “you don’t have to hold the door for me” or “I prefer going shopping alone”, that you say but don’t really mean, and will hold it against me if I take it at face value. I suppose my next questions is WHY you prefer being dumped by phone, if you don’t mind me being nosy. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-of-these-is-an-acceptable-way-to-break-up-with-someone/660567.md?page=3)