# Which primate would make the best pet? Don't need answer fast **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 1, 2011, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-primate-would-make-the-best-pet-dont-need-answer-fast/590978 "2011-08-01T00:13:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![cwthree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de0a6/32.png) [@cwthree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cwthree)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-primate-would-make-the-best-pet-dont-need-answer-fast/590978/1 "2011-08-01T00:13:15Z")
Let me preface this by saying that I neither plan nor desire to keep any kind of pet primate. My question is entirely hypothetical and, I hope, entertaining. So let’s imagine that I’m minding my own business at home when I hear a knock. I open the door, and there’s a guy with a clipboard. “Can I help you?” I ask. “I’m here with your primate,” he replies. I don’t remember ordering a primate, so I press him for details. It seems that thanks to the Pointless Aggravation Act of 2012, selected American households - mine included - are required to choose a pet ape, monkey or other primate. “Pick any one you want. You’re welcome to climb on board the truck and look around. We’ve got all kinds.” I look past him and sure enough, there’s an enormous truck behind him bearing the legend “Apes ‘n’ More.” We walk out to the truck and he helps me into the back; in Harry Potter-movie fashion, it’s much larger inside than outside, large enough, in fact, to hold one of every kind of primate found on earth. Every animal on the truck is healthy and well-adjusted (for its species). I am promised a lifetime supply of appropriate food, supplements, and medication for the one I select. I’ll also be provided with appropriate support should I have any other questions about my primate in the future. I know that chimps make horrible pets. I can’t take the easy out and say “I’ll take a human,” because that’s illegal under state, federal and international law. Beyond that, I know nothing. Which primate should I pick? I have a small house with a small yard in a nice neighborhood in a major city in the upper Midwest in the United States. Help me out. The guy with the clipboard is getting impatient. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-primate-would-make-the-best-pet-dont-need-answer-fast/590978/2 "2011-08-01T00:18:07Z")
[Pygmy marmosets.](http://s3.amazonaws.com/readers/2011/03/30/marmoset_1.jpeg) I don’t know how they would be as pets but they can’t rip an arm off. Maybe an eyelash. ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-primate-would-make-the-best-pet-dont-need-answer-fast/590978/3 "2011-08-01T00:21:16Z")
You’re basic [organ grinder monkey](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White-headed_Capuchin) (the White-Headed Capuchin) seems pretty smart, sociable, smallish, and not too likely to eat your face off. ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-primate-would-make-the-best-pet-dont-need-answer-fast/590978/4 "2011-08-01T00:27:38Z")
**Skald** , is that you? StG ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-primate-would-make-the-best-pet-dont-need-answer-fast/590978/5 "2011-08-01T00:29:35Z")
> [@MEBuckner](#): > > You’re basic [organ grinder monkey](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White-headed_Capuchin) (the White-Headed Capuchin) seems pretty smart, sociable, smallish, and not too likely to eat your face off. You are a basic organ grinder monkey? :smack: _Your_ basic organ grinder monkey… ---
**Author:** ![cwthree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de0a6/32.png) [@cwthree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cwthree)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-primate-would-make-the-best-pet-dont-need-answer-fast/590978/6 "2011-08-01T00:30:57Z")
Hmm. Those marmosets are cute, but I see that capuchins are supposed to be intelligent. On the other hand, I see that capuchins [QUOTE=Wikipedia] …sometimes engage[s] in a practice known as “urine washing”, in which the monkey rubs urine on its feet [/QUOTE] Besides _homo_, has any other primate been successfully house-trained, i.e. trained to use a toilet, a litter box, or the outdoors reliably and consistently? I do have some nice furniture, after all, and the interior of the house was recently painted. ---
**Author:** ![cwthree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de0a6/32.png) [@cwthree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cwthree)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-primate-would-make-the-best-pet-dont-need-answer-fast/590978/7 "2011-08-01T00:32:09Z")
> [@StGermain](#): > > **Skald** , is that you? > > StG I am not **Skald** , just bored of a late Sunday afternoon. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-primate-would-make-the-best-pet-dont-need-answer-fast/590978/8 "2011-08-01T00:38:19Z")
The smaller the better. Primates have all of humanity’s bad traits and none of the good ones. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-primate-would-make-the-best-pet-dont-need-answer-fast/590978/9 "2011-08-01T01:01:20Z")
Monkeys make horrible pets. You can’t think of them as a pet, you have to think of them as an aggressive retarded kid who can climb and bite like hell, and will never be potty trained. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-primate-would-make-the-best-pet-dont-need-answer-fast/590978/10 "2011-08-01T01:08:48Z")
Forgot that I don’t have a choice. I’m liking the pygmy marmoset. More like owning a squrrel than a monkey. Only problem is they mostly eat tree sap. How the heck are you supposed to keep the bastards fed? Although with the recurring lice problem at my daughter’s school, maybe I should go with the baboon. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-primate-would-make-the-best-pet-dont-need-answer-fast/590978/11 "2011-08-01T01:14:46Z")
Humans are potty trained and helpless compared with chimps, gorillas, and 'tangs, so I’d go with them. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-primate-would-make-the-best-pet-dont-need-answer-fast/590978/12 "2011-08-01T01:23:48Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > Humans are potty trained and helpless compared with chimps, gorillas, and 'tangs, so I’d go with them. Humans are specifically prohibited by the OP. Try again. ---
**Author:** ![Pyper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Pyper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pyper)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-primate-would-make-the-best-pet-dont-need-answer-fast/590978/13 "2011-08-01T01:24:01Z")
[Slow loris](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9f-6jygRJk) all the way. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-primate-would-make-the-best-pet-dont-need-answer-fast/590978/14 "2011-08-01T01:24:59Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > Humans are specifically prohibited by the OP. Try again. Curses, foiled again! ---
**Author:** ![Paranoid\_Randroid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/paranoid_randroid/32/18_2.png) [@Paranoid\_Randroid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paranoid_Randroid)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-primate-would-make-the-best-pet-dont-need-answer-fast/590978/15 "2011-08-01T01:43:01Z")
Hm. My _intuition_ — from a lifetime of news absorption, including unfortunate incidents in which persons are mauled by animals that _should not be pets_ — is that with proper care a gorilla would be rather less likely to turn on you than, say, a chimp. Is this incorrect? Kind of difficult to Google this sort of thing, what with all the websites saying more or less “Do Not Have Primates As Pets You Moron”. Having a pet _motherfucking gorilla_ would be a good way for me to win back some of the masculinity I’ve allowed to seep away. But I suppose when a gorilla does turn on you, all bets are off … I like my chances against the pygmy. ---
**Author:** ![cherry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/da6949/32.png) [@cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cherry)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-primate-would-make-the-best-pet-dont-need-answer-fast/590978/16 "2011-08-01T02:05:10Z")
My choice would be a Sasquatch. They could provide protection and maybe talk with you with their various howls. ---
**Author:** ![blondebear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blondebear/32/1022_2.png) [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-primate-would-make-the-best-pet-dont-need-answer-fast/590978/17 "2011-08-01T02:12:27Z")
I’d like an aye-aye please. I would name it Captain. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-primate-would-make-the-best-pet-dont-need-answer-fast/590978/18 "2011-08-01T02:29:28Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > Forgot that I don’t have a choice. I’m liking the pygmy marmoset. More like owning a squrrel than a monkey. Only problem is they mostly eat tree sap. How the heck are you supposed to keep the bastards fed? The OP says you’ll be provided with a lifetime supply of appropriate food. ---
**Author:** ![cwthree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de0a6/32.png) [@cwthree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cwthree)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-primate-would-make-the-best-pet-dont-need-answer-fast/590978/19 "2011-08-01T02:40:24Z")
> [@blondebear](#): > > I’d like an aye-aye please. I would name it Captain. 🙂 I had forgotten that the aye-aye is a primate. Cute, in its own way. But its Wikipedia entry says that people in its native Madagascar claim that it can sneak into houses, set upon a sleeping occupant, and kill him/her with a jab of its elongated middle finger. What if they (the human occupants of Madagascar) are onto something? ---
**Author:** ![cwthree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de0a6/32.png) [@cwthree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cwthree)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-primate-would-make-the-best-pet-dont-need-answer-fast/590978/20 "2011-08-01T02:41:30Z")
> [@cherry](#): > > My choice would be a Sasquatch. They could provide protection and maybe talk with you with their various howls. Tempting, and the OP did not specifically exclude cryptids. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-primate-would-make-the-best-pet-dont-need-answer-fast/590978.md?page=2)