# Which professional is best for a chimpanzie? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 12, 2014, 6:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424 "2014-11-12T06:33:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![DinoR](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dinor/32/2821_2.png) [@DinoR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DinoR)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2014, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424/21 "2014-11-12T16:51:44Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > It flung its feces when angry and spent much of his time masturbating Sounds like some humans… ---
**Author:** ![asterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/4da419/32.png) [@asterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asterion)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2014, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424/22 "2014-11-12T16:58:31Z")
I read the title as “What profession is best for a chimpanzee” and was hoping for lots of comments about politicians and reality TV show contestants. ---
**Author:** ![Spiderman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiderman/32/230_2.png) [@Spiderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiderman)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2014, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424/23 "2014-11-12T17:49:16Z")
> [@asterion](#): > > I read the title as “What profession is best for a chimpanzee” and was hoping for lots of comments about politicians and reality TV show contestants. Chimps are more honest/ethical than the first group & smarter than most in the second group, including the various show’s creators! ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2014, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424/24 "2014-11-12T19:10:10Z")
To give a real answer, if the choice was between an ordinary veterinarian (treating cats or cows) and a physician, and both were volunteering, I would assume the human doctor would be better qualified and pick him. ETA : seems I’m the only one picking this option so far. ---
**Author:** ![Filbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/filbert/32/3433_2.png) [@Filbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Filbert)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2014, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424/25 "2014-11-12T19:23:48Z")
Why not both? Seriously, this is the answer some zoos use- the ideal is a specialist vet, sure, but finding someone who’s actually spent serious time working with chimps? Not easy, and in some areas, not possible. Especially if an animal is suddenly or seriously sick, you really can’t spend days tracking down the one guy in the country who is a genuine chimpanzee specialist. So, a common solution is to try and get a vet who’s done some primate work, and get a friendly GP to sit in and give a second opinion. ---
**Author:** ![Small\_Hen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ad7895/32.png) [@Small\_Hen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Small_Hen)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2014, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424/26 "2014-11-12T20:19:03Z")
> [@Inner\_Stickler](#): > > Kayaker’s friend. Right, Kayaker’s friend. My reading comprehension is slipping. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2014, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424/27 "2014-11-12T20:19:51Z")
Well since chimos are so human like and they are smaller than people I would take the chimp to a Pediatrician. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2014, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424/28 "2014-11-12T20:27:05Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Veterinarians willing to treat nonhuman primates are few and far between. They are dangerous in many ways. Restraint is difficult. They can have diseases that are deadly to humans (simian herpes virus\*\*\*\*\*). > > Circa 1990 a friend of mine acquired a little spider monkey. It flung its feces when angry and spent much of his time masturbating, to the point it caused sores on his penis. The closest veterinarian was a six hour drive and each visit involved sedation and considerable expense. She sold the monkey the second a buyer showed interest, eagerly accepting a lowball offer. > > \*\*\*\*\*[Simian Herpes Virus.](http://www.cdc.gov/herpesbvirus/signs-symptoms.html) So the monkey was spanking his own monkey? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Aquadementia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aquadementia/32/555_2.png) [@Aquadementia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aquadementia)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2014, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424/29 "2014-11-12T20:40:57Z")
Probably start with a vet and ask them to refer you to someone, who will probably refer you to another person and so on until you get your answer. Of course every step of the way you’ll have to answer questions about what you’re doing with a chimp. > [@asterion](#): > > I read the title as “What profession is best for a chimpanzee” and was hoping for lots of comments about politicians and reality TV show contestants. I was going to say proprietor of a curiosity shop. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2014, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424/30 "2014-11-12T21:31:16Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > It flung its feces when angry and spent much of his time masturbating, to the point it caused sores on his penis. Sounds like that monkey would really enjoy the Internet … ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2014, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424/31 "2014-11-12T21:39:26Z")
In the movie of **Creator** someone brings a chimpanzee into the University Hospital Emergency Room. Sid (Doctor played by David Ogden Stiers – without a Boston accent): That’s not a human being. It’s a chimp! Harry (Nobel Laureate doctor played by Peter O’Toole, to his assistant Boris):First step in diagnosis, Boris, identify the species of your patient. Sid: You’re not treating an animal in my ER Harry: Come on, Boris, Let’s operate. On the other hand I’d be wary of working on an adult chimp without knowing what the hell I was doing. It was a partially sedated chimp on Xanax, after all, that attacked a woman, removing her hands and face: [http://www.cnn.com/2011/US/08/11/massachusetts.facial.transplant/index.html](http://www.cnn.com/2011/US/08/11/massachusetts.facial.transplant/index.html) They never explained precisely what happened, but I suspect the amateur drugging attempt effectively reduced the chimp’s inhibitions, allowing it to maul someone it knew well. Chimps are powerful and dangerous, and this shows the kind of result inept handling can produce ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2014, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424/32 "2014-11-12T21:39:55Z")
> [@asterion](#): > > I read the title as “What profession is best for a chimpanzee” and was hoping for lots of comments about politicians and reality TV show contestants. I’d go with “loan shark enforcer”. “What will the chimp do to you, if you don’t make your payments? We don’t really know …” ---
**Author:** ![Namkcalb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c89c15/32.png) [@Namkcalb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Namkcalb)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2014, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424/33 "2014-11-12T21:57:39Z")
> [@Charlie\_Wayne](#): > > I’m guessing that most people have seen that documentary about the lady who raised a chimp from infancy and one day, after it became an adult, it attacked her friend and ripped her face off. Gouged her eyes out. [Humans can be randomly violent too](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Killing_of_Tim_McLean), thers nothing some tranquilisers won’t fix. > [@erysichthon](#): > > Even if you can find a (human) physician willing to treat your pet, I still wouldn’t advise it. The doctor could end up killing your chimpanzee with a misdiagnosis or an inappropriate drug. And someone who spends much of their time giving cats flea pills or with their hands up inside a cow would do better? > [@Filbert](#): > > So, a common solution is to try and get a vet who’s done some primate work, and get a friendly GP to sit in and give a second opinion. This seems very sensible > [@ZenBeam](#): > > **Little Nemo** got it in one. Neither poll option is good if “vet” means “non-specialist vet”, as in the OP. Agreed, though it wouldn’t have been much of a debate if a chimp doctor was available. > [@asterion](#): > > I read the title as “What profession is best for a chimpanzee” [Librarian](https://www.google.com.au/search?q=librarian+unseen+university&safe=off&client=firefox&hs=IM2&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:unofficial&channel=sb&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=hdZjVMP7M6eQmwWttoGYCQ&ved=0CAgQ_AUoAQ&biw=1760&bih=911#safe=off&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:unofficial&channel=sb&tbm=isch&q=librarian+discworld) > [@Drunky\_Smurf](#): > > Well since chimos are so human like and they are smaller than people I would take the chimp to a Pediatrician. [You need to prepare it first](http://cdn.klimg.com/merdeka.com/i/w/photonews/2013/10/24/267715/640x320/nasib-atraksi-topeng-monyet-di-ibu-kota-002-nfi.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424/34 "2014-11-13T05:09:24Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > I’d go with “loan shark enforcer”. > > “What will the chimp do to you, if you don’t make your payments? We don’t really know …” “And if you do pay us our money? Well, we’re not really sure what he’ll do then either.” ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424/35 "2014-11-13T05:13:57Z")
> [@Namkcalb](#): > > Agreed, though it wouldn’t have been much of a debate if a chimp doctor was available. That’s kind of the point. It’s like asking _“You need open heart surgery. Who would you rather have perform the operation? A dentist or a psychiatrist?”_ You’ve got two answers that are so far from being good, that it’s pretty much a random choice which one is “better”. ---
**Author:** ![Namkcalb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c89c15/32.png) [@Namkcalb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Namkcalb)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424/36 "2014-11-13T05:24:33Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > That’s kind of the point. It’s like asking _“You need open heart surgery. Who would you rather have perform the operation? A dentist or a psychiatrist?”_ You’ve got two answers that are so far from being good, that it’s pretty much a random choice which one is “better”. I get your point Anyhoo, the psychiatrist would be better, they completed whole-body medical school, ---
**Author:** ![Dag\_Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@Dag\_Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dag_Otto)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424/37 "2014-11-13T06:24:51Z")
This seems like an easy decision. My vote is for the GP. Gorilla Practitioner. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 9:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424/38 "2014-11-13T09:41:52Z")
> [@Namkcalb](#): > > Agreed, though it wouldn’t have been much of a debate if a chimp doctor was available. But how many chimps actually graduate from medical school? ---
**Author:** ![Namkcalb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c89c15/32.png) [@Namkcalb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Namkcalb)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 11:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424/39 "2014-11-13T11:32:05Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > But how many chimps actually graduate from medical school? > [@Dag\_Otto](#): > > Gorilla Practitioner. Surprisingly many I guess, Would you give someone who could rip your face off a failing grade? ---
**Author:** ![vontsira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/51bf81/32.png) [@vontsira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vontsira)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 12:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424/40 "2014-11-13T12:29:55Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Circa 1990 a friend of mine acquired a little spider monkey… spent much of his time masturbating, to the point it caused sores on his penis. As others have intimated, “it’s what primates do”. Quoting from _Ring of Bright Water_ by Gavin Maxwell, the “otter man” and lover of many other kinds of fauna: [he briefly owned] “a bush baby [aka galago – African primitive primate], who apart from the wholly misleading blood-curdling shriek with which he would nightly challenge the sleeping jungle of Chelsea, turned out to be a really crashing bore; his hobbies, moreover, were solitary and embarrassing. Later, after he had moved on to less exacting ownership than mine, I was offered another with the curious but most appropriate name of Hitchcock; though he proved, in fact, to have been christened by the surname of his owners, it was a reminder, and I declined.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-professional-is-best-for-a-chimpanzie/704424.md?page=3)