# Which Shakespearean character would you f\*\*\* in a second? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 13, 2001, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-shakespearean-character-would-you-f-in-a-second/49889 "2001-01-13T19:48:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![tclouie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/838e76/32.png) [@tclouie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tclouie)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2001, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-shakespearean-character-would-you-f-in-a-second/49889/1 "2001-01-13T19:48:33Z")
For me it would be Juliet (the Olivia Hussey version). If she leaned over me from that balcony, bosom squeezing out of her bodice, and breathily said that line, “Goodnight!..Goodnight!..Parting is such sweet sorrow,” I would just about POUNCE. “Parting?! I’m f\*\*\*ing staying!!!” (But, you say, Juliet was only fourteen or so, and the actress was only fifteen. Well, OK, but as far as I know Franco Zeffirelli didn’t have to go to jail for showing her nude.) If I were female or gay, my choice would not be Romeo but rather Mercutio. I have a thing for the bad boys. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2001, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-shakespearean-character-would-you-f-in-a-second/49889/2 "2001-01-13T20:48:14Z")
Portia, from _The Merchant of Venice._ Clearly the smartest person in the play, and the funniest, and the most courageous. Antonio, the sniveling milksop, doesn’t deserve her. ---
**Author:** ![JavaMaven1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/cab0a1/32.png) [@JavaMaven1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JavaMaven1)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2001, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-shakespearean-character-would-you-f-in-a-second/49889/3 "2001-01-13T20:54:59Z")
I have to put in another vote for Mercutio… a bad boy with a sense of humor. Gotta love 'im. Hamlet also comes to mind. Moody, bitter, and with mother troubles–sounds like many of the men in my life. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![ThisYearsGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@ThisYearsGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThisYearsGirl)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2001, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-shakespearean-character-would-you-f-in-a-second/49889/4 "2001-01-13T21:20:18Z")
Man, who wasn’t in love with Mercutio? ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2001, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-shakespearean-character-would-you-f-in-a-second/49889/5 "2001-01-13T21:55:33Z")
I agree with Cervaise. Portia all the way, brains, wit and beauty. Perfection. ---
**Author:** ![Pammipoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/87869e/32.png) [@Pammipoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pammipoo)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2001, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-shakespearean-character-would-you-f-in-a-second/49889/6 "2001-01-13T22:28:06Z")
Romeo. But only in the form of Leonardo Dicaprio 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2001, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-shakespearean-character-would-you-f-in-a-second/49889/7 "2001-01-13T22:51:15Z")
> [@](#): > > I agree with Cervaise. Portia all the way, brains, wit and beauty. Perfection. Thanks. Except you missed the chance to correct me: Portia ends up with Bassanio, not Antonio as I originally said. Thankfully, I realized my own stupid error, but not until after I had put it up for all the world to see. :rolleyes: That said, Bassanio is still a twit. Not as bad as Antonio, but Portia should still have done better. Oh, and still on topic: Beatrice from _Much Ado_ ain’t half bad either. ---
**Author:** ![woodstockbirdybird](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/woodstockbirdybird/32/7905_2.png) [@woodstockbirdybird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/woodstockbirdybird)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2001, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-shakespearean-character-would-you-f-in-a-second/49889/8 "2001-01-13T22:54:29Z")
Lady MacBeth. Just 'cause I think she would be wild (if domineering) in the sack. ---
**Author:** ![Fretful\_Porpentine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fretful_porpentine/32/2873_2.png) [@Fretful\_Porpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fretful_Porpentine)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2001, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-shakespearean-character-would-you-f-in-a-second/49889/9 "2001-01-13T23:42:48Z")
Benedick. And Richard III, as long as I was reasonably sure I wouldn’t wind up dead afterwards. ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Onimous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ea5d25/32.png) [@Ann\_Onimous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Onimous)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2001, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-shakespearean-character-would-you-f-in-a-second/49889/10 "2001-01-14T02:23:16Z")
None of them. No hope of a lasting relationship. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2001, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-shakespearean-character-would-you-f-in-a-second/49889/11 "2001-01-14T06:05:55Z")
Duke Vincentio, from Measure for Measure. Gotta admire a sneaky mind like that. ---
**Author:** ![DRY](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a87d85/32.png) [@DRY](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DRY)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2001, 9:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-shakespearean-character-would-you-f-in-a-second/49889/12 "2001-01-14T09:02:23Z")
First of all, I guess you all knew I’d be showing up, sooner or later. Secondly, I’ll take the OP to be asking which ONE I’d most want to f\*\*\*. In that case, the answer is pretty much a slam dunk for me. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Cervaise \* > \*\*Portia, from _The Merchant of Venice._ Clearly the smartest person in the play, and the funniest, and the most courageous. Antonio, the sniveling milksop, doesn’t deserve her. \*\* I should start by saying that I have great respect for **Cervaise’s** posts. He’s clearly a man of intelligence, wit, culture, and has formidable writing skills to boot. Helluva guy. I’m going to have to respectfully disagree with him, though. The answer, for me, is quite clearly **Helen of Troy** from Troilus and Cressida. The face that launched a thousand ships? One of the very epitomes of beauty? Hell, yes, I’d do her. Long before I’d do Portia. Remember, the OP referenced SEX. It said NOTHING about a relationship, marriage, or companionship. If the choice were who I would prefer to date/marry/spend the rest of my life with, then I’d agree with Cervaise and choose Portia. Though Cleopatra from Antony and Cleopatra would also be intriguing, as would Beatrice from Much Ado, _Kathryn_ from Taming of the _Shrew_ (I…I…mean **Katherine** –wonder how I made that mistake? :p) or Desdemona from Othello (loyal even unto death). But for carnal relations? Helen of Troy all the way (second choice would probably be Venus from Venus and Adonis, but as **Medea’s Child** is fond of pointing out, bad things tend to happen when you have sex with a god). ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2001, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-shakespearean-character-would-you-f-in-a-second/49889/13 "2001-01-14T10:53:55Z")
Mercutio’s a good choice. And I’m not gay, but I don’t think there’s any question Rosalind would be a lot of fun. And apparently she makes a cute boy. And…Falstaff. Sure he’s old and fat, but I’d imagine he’d be enthusiastic. Richard the Third, though…ugly AND mean? I don’t think so. ---
**Author:** ![Tzel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Tzel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tzel)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2001, 11:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-shakespearean-character-would-you-f-in-a-second/49889/14 "2001-01-14T11:34:48Z")
Fretful Porpentine: I’d chose Beatrice. Now we have to find a way to break up this happy couple. ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2001, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-shakespearean-character-would-you-f-in-a-second/49889/15 "2001-01-14T15:02:12Z")
Not a problem. I give Beatrice and Benedick about six happy months before those two waspy tongues start getting used for their _original_ purposes again, and there’s a big separation scene, and possibly Beatrice asks dopey ol’ Claudio to kill Benedick for her. Beatrice would be great for a cheap sleazy weekend in Vegas or someplace, but I can’t imagine a long-term (more than a month!) relationship with her. Same goes for Kate. Rosalind, on the other hand…mmmmmm. ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2001, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-shakespearean-character-would-you-f-in-a-second/49889/16 "2001-01-15T00:13:04Z")
Bad boy Mercutio and Portia. Yeah 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Seen\_to\_it\_already](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e79b87/32.png) [@Seen\_to\_it\_already](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seen_to_it_already)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2001, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-shakespearean-character-would-you-f-in-a-second/49889/17 "2001-01-15T00:21:12Z")
**Ophelia** I’m attracted to the mystic and moody ones. ---
**Author:** ![Mercutio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/51bf81/32.png) [@Mercutio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mercutio)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2001, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-shakespearean-character-would-you-f-in-a-second/49889/18 "2001-01-15T00:52:27Z")
> [@](#): > > If I were female or gay, my choice would not be Romeo but rather Mercutio. I have a thing for the bad boys. > [@](#): > > I have to put in another vote for Mercutio… a bad boy with a sense of humor. Gotta love 'im. > [@](#): > > Man, who wasn’t in love with Mercutio? > [@](#): > > Mercutio’s a good choice. > [@](#): > > Bad boy Mercutio :DI feel so loved:D (¡I just had to do it!) ---
**Author:** ![Show\_Biz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/77aa72/32.png) [@Show\_Biz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Show_Biz)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2001, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-shakespearean-character-would-you-f-in-a-second/49889/19 "2001-01-15T01:13:25Z")
Lear’s daughter **Reagan** always had a way with words. I like that. ---
**Author:** ![DRY](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a87d85/32.png) [@DRY](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DRY)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2001, 9:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-shakespearean-character-would-you-f-in-a-second/49889/20 "2001-01-15T09:25:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mercutio \* > \*\*:DI feel so loved:D > \*\* “O, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you.” –Romeo and Juliet, Act 1, Scene IV [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-shakespearean-character-would-you-f-in-a-second/49889.md?page=2)