# Which strikes you as worse: outliving your spouse, or the reverse? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 18, 2011, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-strikes-you-as-worse-outliving-your-spouse-or-the-reverse/578878 "2011-04-18T21:39:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-strikes-you-as-worse-outliving-your-spouse-or-the-reverse/578878/21 "2011-04-19T03:43:06Z")
Male; I picked “don’t know”. I do suspect that I’d be more capable of dealing with the loss than my wife would, at least at first. I also strongly suspect that it’s more likely that I’ll be the surviving spouse; I take significantly better care of myself than she does. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-strikes-you-as-worse-outliving-your-spouse-or-the-reverse/578878/22 "2011-04-19T03:47:15Z")
I hope I outlive my wife. She is significantly disabled, and I am her caregiver. I cook her food, I wash her laundry, I help her bathe and dress, and a thousand other things to ease her discomfort. We have no children, so if I die, that means she would have to go into some kind of home I suppose, but we really don’t have significant savings to support that for long. But her illness has a five year mortality rate of 50% and she was diagnosed in 2006, so I don’t think that is likely. It is a pretty shitty position to be in, hoping your wife dies before you. Ain’t life great? ---
**Author:** ![flatlined](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb9ed0/32.png) [@flatlined](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flatlined)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-strikes-you-as-worse-outliving-your-spouse-or-the-reverse/578878/23 "2011-04-19T06:16:41Z")
I’m a cultist. When the stars are right, I will be eaten first. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-strikes-you-as-worse-outliving-your-spouse-or-the-reverse/578878/24 "2011-04-19T06:31:26Z")
We aren’t married yet, but just the thought of him dying before me sends me into a panic. I’ve never had to deal with the death of a loved one. By the time we’re old together, I suspect I’ll have more experience dealing with grief, but even so, I’d rather die first. I’m terrified of death, but I’m even more terrified of having to live on by myself. Statistically speaking, though, I’m more likely to survive him (Asian female vs Caucasian male). ☹ ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 10:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-strikes-you-as-worse-outliving-your-spouse-or-the-reverse/578878/25 "2011-04-19T10:43:05Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > I attended a funeral last year in which the gratitude for having known the person seemed to outweigh the sadness by a hundredfold, so I know it is possible to leave that kind of legacy. In this light, I tend to think of my marriage less like an entitlement and more like an amazing miracle. I don’t know how long it’s going to last, but every moment seems like the most extraordinary gift. Knowing that I didn’t take him for granted is going to do wonders for getting me through life without him. This is a great attitude, but I think losing a spouse is fundamentally different than losing anyone else, because the relationship is fundamentally different: you lose half you memory and half your hands when a spouse dies–whole swathes of dealing with things that are delegated to them. My husband truly is my other half, not in some drippy emotional way, but in the sense that we are a team, partners working our way through the world, and losing him would really mean more than just grief: it would mean having to relearn how to function. It would kill me, too, in a very real sense: their would be someone else in this body when it was all over–not a worse person, and probably not someone I’d be unhappy to be, in the long run, but a different person than the one I am as part of this team. The only way to avoid that eventuality would be to go out of my way to maintain my independence now, and that’s not something I want to do: I don’t just love my husband, I love being part of this team. In other words, I think there can be a thin line between “not taking someone for granted” and “keeping your walking shoes on”, and that keeping your walking shoes on might be a great defense mechanism but, for me at least, it would rob something vital out of my marriage. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 11:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-strikes-you-as-worse-outliving-your-spouse-or-the-reverse/578878/26 "2011-04-19T11:10:11Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > This is a great attitude, but I think losing a spouse is fundamentally different than losing anyone else, because the relationship is fundamentally different: you lose half you memory and half your hands when a spouse dies–whole swathes of dealing with things that are delegated to them. My husband truly is my other half, not in some drippy emotional way, but in the sense that we are a team, partners working our way through the world, and losing him would really mean more than just grief: it would mean having to relearn how to function. It would kill me, too, in a very real sense: their would be someone else in this body when it was all over–not a worse person, and probably not someone I’d be unhappy to be, in the long run, but a different person than the one I am as part of this team. The only way to avoid that eventuality would be to go out of my way to maintain my independence now, and that’s not something I want to do: I don’t just love my husband, I love being part of this team. > > In other words, I think there can be a thin line between “not taking someone for granted” and “keeping your walking shoes on”, and that keeping your walking shoes on might be a great defense mechanism but, for me at least, it would rob something vital out of my marriage. I understand your point. If I lost my husband, I would be gutted. Given that I’ve been with him since I was 19 years old, the truth is I don’t even know what kind of adult I would be without him in my life. I would have to learn to function again, too. I edited out a bit in my reply about how I would end up moving to Latin America, because I think my best chance of making it without him would be to throw myself into an entirely different world and way of living. I don’t claim that would be easy. But I also really strive to be a present-centered person and to always be aware of how impermanent things really are. This attitude helps me on more levels than just appreciating relationships and it would be weird not to apply the same framework to my marriage as I try to do for the rest of my life. What it comes down to is, I can’t prevent the fact that I’m going to lose him someday - either through my death or his own, or even more unforeseen circumstances. We are both going to die. There is nothing I can do to change that. The best I can do is come to terms with it, and part of the way I do that is working to accept it and to truly experience and appreciate the moments we do have together. Only time will tell if this attitude helps me when the time comes, but it definitely prevents me from paralysis and fear in the present moment. I guess it’s more an issue of the fear of the future taking away the joy of the present - I can’t allow that to happen. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 11:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-strikes-you-as-worse-outliving-your-spouse-or-the-reverse/578878/27 "2011-04-19T11:26:40Z")
I was just using your post as a springboard for my own thoughts. I think losing a spouse is just fundamentally different–not worse, always, but different–because it’s not just your spouse that dies, it’s your marriage. The only way to prevent that would be to never let interdependence develop, but for me, at least, that light wouldn’t be worth the candle. And I do think a hypothetical person–not you, people in general–could use “I don’t want to take them for granted” as an excuse to stop that interdependence. Which is fine if that’s what someone wants, but I think they need to understand what and why they are choosing it. ---
**Author:** ![Crotalus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crotalus/32/41_2.png) [@Crotalus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crotalus)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 11:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-strikes-you-as-worse-outliving-your-spouse-or-the-reverse/578878/28 "2011-04-19T11:39:29Z")
My wife died twelve years ago, and it was the most devastating emotional experience of my life. I have been remarried for ten years, and I would rather go through the experience of losing my wife again than to have my wife experience what I did. If that makes any sense. ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-strikes-you-as-worse-outliving-your-spouse-or-the-reverse/578878/29 "2011-04-19T12:14:23Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > My father, father-in-law and several uncles outlived their wives, and their losses damn near killed all of them. I think women are better equipped to handle the idea of their husband preceeding them. I won’t generalize, but my father spent more than 20 years as an alcoholic zombie after my mother died. My husband would have (and accept) more support, but I lived alone a lot longer than he did, and I know how to do it. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-strikes-you-as-worse-outliving-your-spouse-or-the-reverse/578878/30 "2011-04-19T14:18:19Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > This is a great attitude, but I think losing a spouse is fundamentally different than losing anyone else, because the relationship is fundamentally different: you lose half you memory and half your hands when a spouse dies–whole swathes of dealing with things that are delegated to them. My husband truly is my other half, not in some drippy emotional way, but in the sense that we are a team, partners working our way through the world, and losing him would really mean more than just grief: it would mean having to relearn how to function. It would kill me, too, in a very real sense: their would be someone else in this body when it was all over–not a worse person, and probably not someone I’d be unhappy to be, in the long run, but a different person than the one I am as part of this team. The only way to avoid that eventuality would be to go out of my way to maintain my independence now, and that’s not something I want to do: I don’t just love my husband, I love being part of this team. > > In other words, I think there can be a thin line between “not taking someone for granted” and “keeping your walking shoes on”, and that keeping your walking shoes on might be a great defense mechanism but, for me at least, it would rob something vital out of my marriage. You nailed my experience. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-strikes-you-as-worse-outliving-your-spouse-or-the-reverse/578878/31 "2011-04-19T14:32:02Z")
As happens so often, \*\*Manda JO \*\*nailed it, at least for me. ETA: **jsgoddess** ’ post wasn’t there when I loaded the thread. Sorry about the repetitive terminology. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-strikes-you-as-worse-outliving-your-spouse-or-the-reverse/578878/32 "2011-04-19T14:37:39Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > As happens so often, \*\*Manda JO \*\*nailed it, at least for me. > > ETA: **jsgoddess** ’ post wasn’t there when I loaded the thread. Sorry about the repetitive terminology. THESE NAILS ARE MINE, BITCHES! _ahem_ ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-strikes-you-as-worse-outliving-your-spouse-or-the-reverse/578878/33 "2011-04-19T15:38:13Z")
> [@Southern\_Yankee](#): > > Shit, I wanna live _forever_… And here I thought the lyrics were “_Fame_, I wanna live forever.” 😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-strikes-you-as-worse-outliving-your-spouse-or-the-reverse/578878.md?page=1)