# Which unarmed martial art would be most effective against an enraged chimp? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 31, 2011, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959 "2011-07-31T20:41:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2011, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/1 "2011-07-31T20:41:22Z")
Let’s say Jane Goodall learns that her next assignment will involve a group of unusually ornery chimps. She loves them, but she wants to be prepared for the worst. She has two years to train under a discipline’s most esteemed masters. Which should she choose? Would she stand a chance? Would any human? ---
**Author:** ![Bosstrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Bosstrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstrain)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2011, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/2 "2011-07-31T20:56:55Z")
Judo, it’s the art of using ones strength and energy against them, and chimps have enough to break you in half, no matter how big or strong you might think you are, a chimp will show you he’s a lot stronger, and will be a lot bigger once he’s folded you into his fanny pack…Wahaha! 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2011, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/3 "2011-07-31T21:00:36Z")
_Run Like Hell-Fu_ works for me. . ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2011, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/4 "2011-07-31T21:01:24Z")
Effective how? A chimp is far stronger and faster than any human. It’s like asking how to best train to beat Secretariat in a foot race. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2011, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/5 "2011-07-31T21:20:19Z")
Yeah, I have always wondered which form of martial art would prevent someone from getting their face and genitals ripped off and eaten. Let me know if you figure that one out. ---
**Author:** ![malm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/278dde/32.png) [@malm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/malm)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2011, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/6 "2011-07-31T23:28:33Z")
sprint and marathon combined ---
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2011, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/7 "2011-07-31T23:32:31Z")
Well, I didn’t quite realize how silly this question was until I read this thread: > **[Could anyone beat a chimp in a fight?](https://ask.metafilter.com/146862/Could-anyone-beat-a-chimp-in-a-fight)** > > Could Bruce Lee (in his prime) beat an enraged chimpanzee in a fight? Never knew chimps were so deadly. People seem to get their faces ripped off and digits chewed through quite routinely. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2011, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/8 "2011-07-31T23:43:06Z")
Whatever martial art that involves you wielding a 12 gauge shotgun filled with 00 buckshot is the best bet. ---
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2011, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/9 "2011-07-31T23:47:14Z")
None. Aren’t they 8x stronger than humans ? ---
**Author:** ![flatlined](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb9ed0/32.png) [@flatlined](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flatlined)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2011, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/10 "2011-07-31T23:49:04Z")
I’d just fling a feral cat at them and run. Does flinging cats count as unarmed? ---
**Author:** ![Lasciel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e79b87/32.png) [@Lasciel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lasciel)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2011, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/11 "2011-07-31T23:55:46Z")
I’ve always been a fan of _don’t be in that situation-kido_, but absent that, I’d go for a combo of\* shotgun-to-the-face-fu\* and _sprinting_. Seriously - don’t go there. Those buggers are monsters. Your ass is wherever they want it, in whatever condition they desire. There’s a reason our puny-ass ancestors developed the fearsome tools we have now. We NEED them. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/12 "2011-08-01T00:03:11Z")
> [@TreacherousCretin](#): > > _Run Like Hell-Fu_ works for me. All joking aside, humans are built for dexterity and endurance while chimps are built for strength. If you’ve spent your training time building up your endurance at running and can get a head start (the hard part), then you should just be able to run a chimp or nearly any other land animal to exhaustion. ---
**Author:** ![engineer\_comp\_geek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/engineer_comp_geek/32/504_2.png) [@engineer\_comp\_geek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/engineer_comp_geek)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/13 "2011-08-01T00:08:13Z")
> [@Ibanez](#): > > None. Aren’t they 8x stronger than humans ? Here’s what Cecil has to say about it:: > [@](#): > > A 165-pound male chimpanzee named “Boma” registered a pull of 847 pounds, using only his right hand (although he did have his feet braced against the wall, being somewhat hip, in his simian way, to the principles of leverage). A 165-pound man, by comparison, could manage a one-handed pull of about 210 pounds. Even more frightening, a female chimp, weighing a mere 135 pounds and going by the name of Suzette, checked in with a one-handed pull of 1,260 pounds. (She was in a fit of passion at the time; one shudders to think what her boyfriend must have looked like next morning.) From here: > **[Can a 90-lb. chimp clobber a full-grown man?](https://www.straightdope.com/21344496/can-a-90-lb-chimp-clobber-a-full-grown-man)** ---
**Author:** ![conurepete](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a88e57/32.png) [@conurepete](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/conurepete)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/14 "2011-08-01T00:22:52Z")
Synchronized swimming. The trick is to get the enraged chimp into the pool. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/15 "2011-08-01T00:29:47Z")
> [@conurepete](#): > > Synchronized swimming. The trick is to get the enraged chimp into the pool. Googling, it appears that chimpanzee swimming abilities range from “sinks like a rock” to “outswims an Olympic medalist”, with most chimps leaning towards “avoids water and can’t swim”. So you could jump in water and hope the chimp in question is one of the sinkers. ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/16 "2011-08-01T00:40:33Z")
Is there a martial art that consists of blissfully accepting your death? ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/17 "2011-08-01T00:46:17Z")
Magiverfu, obviously. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/18 "2011-08-01T00:54:27Z")
[It’s too late for us…](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kRb06w_XPo) ---
**Author:** ![Bosstrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Bosstrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstrain)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/19 "2011-08-01T01:18:50Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > [It’s too late for us…](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kRb06w_XPo) Beautiful, we’re FU\*\*ED! BTW, love your name, dude, I read those Spellsinger books too, and Clothahump was my fav., the name’s hilarious and the character even more so. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/20 "2011-08-01T03:14:06Z")
> [@Der\_Trihs](#): > > All joking aside, humans are built for dexterity and endurance while chimps are built for strength. If you’ve spent your training time building up your endurance at running and can get a head start (the hard part), then you should just be able to run a chimp or nearly any other land animal to exhaustion. Of course, if you don’t get your head start, you’ve just trained to endure a longer beating. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959.md?page=2)