# Which unarmed martial art would be most effective against an enraged chimp? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 31, 2011, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959 "2011-07-31T20:41:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![colonial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/34f0e0/32.png) [@colonial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/colonial)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/21 "2011-08-01T03:30:15Z")
You can kiss your ass good bye, and that is that. ---
**Author:** ![notsoheavyd3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/85e7bf/32.png) [@notsoheavyd3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/notsoheavyd3)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/22 "2011-08-01T04:48:15Z")
> [@engineer\_comp\_geek](#): > > Here’s what Cecil has to say about it:: > > From here: > [Can a 90-lb. chimp clobber a full-grown man? - The Straight Dope](http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/2/can-a-90-lb-chimp-clobber-a-full-grown-man) It should be pointed out that’s a very old study and a newer study didn’t find anything like that. (Slate has info on it. [http://www.slate.com/id/2212232/](http://www.slate.com/id/2212232/) ) Still, they’ve got big teeth and are pretty nasty. (But I file those strength claims into the same folder where they claim alligators can run 30 mph.) ---
**Author:** ![appleciders](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85f322/32.png) [@appleciders](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/appleciders)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/23 "2011-08-01T05:19:18Z")
It seems to me that if one simply must fight a chimp, the best plan is to use your superior reach and try to wear the thing down without clinching or getting dragged into a wrestling match or other ground fight. Quick kicks to the face or gut (which should be easy, given how short the chimp is) would work well unless the chimp gets hold of your foot. ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 8:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/24 "2011-08-01T08:50:42Z")
gun-foo ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 8:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/25 "2011-08-01T08:54:47Z")
Sorry! just saw the word “unarmed.” (like the synchronized swimming post.lol) ---
**Author:** ![Tamerlane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tamerlane/32/7602_2.png) [@Tamerlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tamerlane)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/26 "2011-08-01T17:27:55Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Whatever martial art that involves you wielding a 12 gauge shotgun filled with 00 buckshot is the best bet. [Gunkata](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tINWl0gzQWI). I can’t be the only one who saw that kinda crappy film, can I? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/27 "2011-08-02T00:10:40Z")
The art of tossing them a banana while running toward the nearest lockable shelter. Chimps eat bananas, right? ---
**Author:** ![Mangosteen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Mangosteen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangosteen)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/28 "2011-08-02T02:30:37Z")
> [@appleciders](#): > > It seems to me that if one simply must fight a chimp, the best plan is to use your superior reach and try to wear the thing down without clinching or getting dragged into a wrestling match or other ground fight. Quick kicks to the face or gut (which should be easy, given how short the chimp is) would work well unless the chimp gets hold of your foot. If you did somehow get a kick to the face in, you would have only pissed him off to he point where he is now going to kill you instead of beat you up like he originally planned. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/29 "2011-08-02T02:48:11Z")
I prefer falling back on my click-bang-fu in situations like that. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/30 "2011-08-02T03:05:06Z")
> [@Mangosteen](#): > > If you did somehow get a kick to the face in, you would have only pissed him off to he point where he is now going to kill you instead of beat you up like he originally planned. Let’s please not forget the face-and-genital eating, please. That’s really the part that brings the whole “chimps are evil” thing home. Face. And Genitals. Eating. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Kobayashi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4af34b/32.png) [@Mr.Kobayashi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Kobayashi)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/31 "2011-08-02T03:16:00Z")
Ranger Takedown and Paralysing Palm. With those, I can take down a Legendary Deathclaw. ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/32 "2011-08-02T04:39:34Z")
Somewhat recent thread: [Chimp vs. Brock Lesnar](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=13239452#post13239452) ---
**Author:** ![Mosier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@Mosier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mosier)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/33 "2011-08-02T04:48:35Z")
> [@Bosstrain](#): > > Judo, it’s the art of using ones strength and energy against them, and chimps have enough to break you in half, no matter how big or strong you might think you are, a chimp will show you he’s a lot stronger, and will be a lot bigger once he’s folded you into his fanny pack…Wahaha! 🆒 I think the anatomy of a chimp is sufficiently different from a human to make leverage-based martial arts pretty useless against a chimp. If I had to train for a certain roman-gladiator style fight to the death with a chimp, I’d go for a martial art that stresses distance strikes rather than grappling or leveraging. I don’t know what that martial art might be, though. Tae kwon do maybe? Kickboxing? ---
**Author:** ![Jragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/34 "2011-08-02T05:20:52Z")
Parkour is usually classified by proponents as a martial art, specifically, the art of getting between two places as quickly as possible in case of an emergency. So basically, Run-Like-Hell Fu. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Kobayashi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4af34b/32.png) [@Mr.Kobayashi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Kobayashi)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 6:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/35 "2011-08-02T06:35:46Z")
Speaking of chimps and martial arts, you’d better not take on [Chimp Norris](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AaZG2vfxSA&mode=related&search=). Look at that little guy go! ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 9:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/36 "2011-08-02T09:45:03Z")
> [@Jragon](#): > > Parkour is usually classified by proponents as a martial art, specifically, the art of getting between two places as quickly as possible in case of an emergency. So basically, Run-Like-Hell Fu. I don’t think this makes sense. Parkour is not at all about running on the flat, it’s about finding your way over and across obstacles. Which is precisely where a chimp is going to be way, way faster than you. They are arboreal for Og’s sake. You’re only hope I think is to have your encounter somewhere flat and open where your ability to run fast for a long distance will help. If you survive the first 20 seconds you may survive altogether, because a human is very good at middle and long distance running. Course chimps don’t live on open plains, so this isn’t realistic. ---
**Author:** ![Wotdazog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c2a13f/32.png) [@Wotdazog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wotdazog)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/37 "2011-08-02T12:51:33Z")
> [@Der\_Trihs](#): > > If you’ve spent your training time building up your endurance at running and can get a head start (the hard part), then you should just be able to run a chimp or nearly any other land animal to exhaustion. A chimp will catch you in a second flat. They are way quicker than humans, way stronger, less squishy and more angry. If a chimp wants you and you don’t have a gun or some serious company to help, your ass is grass. Also, running animals to exhaustion only works when _we_ are chasing \* them\* over distances that would make your morning jog blush. And by _them_, I mean ungulate herbivores whose instinct is to run away, not rip your aforementioned face/genitals off. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/38 "2011-08-02T13:42:21Z")
Attack him with any handy piece of fresh fruit. Unless he’s had lessons from [John Cleese](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piWCBOsJr-w), he can’t defend against that. ---
**Author:** ![Sailboat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sailboat/32/461_2.png) [@Sailboat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sailboat)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/39 "2011-08-02T13:51:56Z")
Chimpanzees lack most of the sweat glands humans have; it’s said to be a dramatic difference. So if it was hot (Equatorial Africa) a human might be able to make an endurance run out of it, assuming the chimpanzee didn’t catch up with an early burst for some reason. That’s pretty much our only hope in _physical_ competition. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959/40 "2011-08-02T13:56:10Z")
> [@Wotdazog](#): > > And by _them_, I mean ungulate herbivores whose instinct is to run away, not rip your aforementioned face/genitals off. _Thank you._ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/which-unarmed-martial-art-would-be-most-effective-against-an-enraged-chimp/590959.md?page=3)