# Who are you and what have you done with my son? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 23, 2004, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943 "2004-03-23T18:12:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![whiterabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/cab0a1/32.png) [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2004, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943/21 "2004-03-23T23:03:54Z")
Odd. My teenage brother (until the 31st, he’s still a teenager, dammit!) didn’t start doing all of this until the Air Force got ahold of him a few months ago and scared his attitude problems right out of him. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![ReuvenB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9fc348/32.png) [@ReuvenB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReuvenB)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2004, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943/22 "2004-03-23T23:08:55Z")
Speaking as a 16 year old: He’s either got a girlfriend (my bet), or he wants something. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2004, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943/23 "2004-03-23T23:25:55Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > Taken the garbage out Disposal of evidence > [@](#): > > Cleaned his room As the likely place where the crime took place, he was simply disposing of evidence and cleaning traces. Cleaning the room is just a cover. > [@](#): > > Ironed his clothes Overcompensation. He could have simply disposed of the clothes he wore during the crime, or cleaned and ironed just those clothes. Instead, guilt and fear of being caught cause him to iron all his clothes. > [@](#): > > Brought the garbage can back to the house This is the best way to ensure that all the evidence has been taken by the garbage truck and that no traces remain in the can. > [@](#): > > Made lunch for the family This gave him an excuse to be in the kitchen and clean all surfaces and knives of any traces. > [@](#): > > Mowed the yard Fear, plain and simple. He was afraid that even though he had been fastidious in replacing the sod, some one would discover the spot where he had buried evidence. > [@](#): > > Folded clothes Just an excuse to check that no residue from the laundering of his clothes had been left on the machines or contaminated other clothing. The clues could not be more obvious. Your son was, until recently, the leader of a small Satanic cult. They conducted various dark rituals in his bedroom, and in other rooms while he had the house to himself. These included the defiling of any sacred objects in the house, the use of a ceremonial goblet to drink the Unholy Communion (preferably blood from an unbaptised baby or murdered priest. But many Satanists substitute canus sanguis- the blood of a dog. I recommend checking the family pet for scars), and most troubling to a mother, orgies in which every imaginable debauched act occurs. Some event, possibly a viewing of Gibson’s The Passion Of The Christ, has brought your son from the darkness into the light. Washed of his sins and bearing the Truth, your son attempted to bring his coven from damnation to salvation. His disciples refused and threatened to expose the many vile things he’d done. Come and worship the Lord Of Hell with us, they said, or we shall show the world what you have done. Your son, faced with unrepentant evil and threatened with humiliation, shunning, and a long prison term, saw only one choice. He gathered his former discipes in his bedroom and killed them. One by one, he took the bodies to the kitchen and dismembered them. Finally, he took the remains and buried them carefully in the yard, in the hopes that none but the Lord should ever know what he had done. It might even have worked, except for the Straight Dope. ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2004, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943/24 "2004-03-24T00:47:11Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > No way. No stoner pothead would ever get that much done over just a few days. Not, at least, without leaving a trail of Cheetos crumbs behind him. I used to think that, too. The most together people I’ve ever known have more-or-less all been potheads. ---
**Author:** ![FordPrefect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e99b99/32.png) [@FordPrefect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FordPrefect)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2004, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943/25 "2004-03-24T01:22:17Z")
> [@DocCathode](#): > > Disposal of evidence > > Your son was, until recently, the leader of a small Satanic cult. > […] > Some event, possibly a viewing of Gibson’s The Passion Of The Christ, has brought your son from the darkness into the light. > […] > It might even have worked, except for the Straight Dope. That’s where my money is. Except for the part about Gibson’s “The Falling Down of Jesus”, it barely kept this atheist awake, I doubt it would jar a Satanist to changing teams. ---
**Author:** ![Sylkyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/da6949/32.png) [@Sylkyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sylkyn)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2004, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943/26 "2004-03-24T01:25:46Z")
I hate to rain on any parades, but having four kids (two in their teens, one in his early twenties), from my experience either he is about to be in major trouble or he reaaaaallllly wants something reaaaaaalllly bad. In the cases of my son(s), something was about to be found out, and they were going to be in huge trouble. Not always…but it did happen. In my daughter’s case, she usually just wants to go shopping and needs money. Buttering up mom and dad certainly can’t hurt! I hope it’s a case of the “I wannas” instead of the “Mom…you’re gonna find out anyways…” Could go either way. [sub]P.S. I’m gonna be a Charter Member after Thursday! Stop looking at me so funny![/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Lwaxana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c0e974/32.png) [@Lwaxana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lwaxana)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2004, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943/27 "2004-03-24T01:37:05Z")
It must be spring in the air…my 13 year old is being VERY helpful and polite shudder…she is plotting something… ---
**Author:** ![agiantdwarf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8c91f0/32.png) [@agiantdwarf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/agiantdwarf)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2004, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943/28 "2004-03-24T01:41:33Z")
> [@XWalrus2](#): > > Speaking as a 16 year old: > He’s either got a girlfriend (my bet), or he wants something. Speaking as a 15 year old, I’m guessing he’s sick of being treated like a baby (my parents haven’t asked me if I brushed my teeth since I was 7). ---
**Author:** ![tarragon918](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d26b3c/32.png) [@tarragon918](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tarragon918)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2004, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943/29 "2004-03-24T04:13:54Z")
It’s almost enough to scare you! Usually when my son starts acting like that, it means that it’s about report card time -or- he wants something. However, if you do find out that your son is actually taking responsbility on himself, without prompting, please tell me how to get my son to do the same; t’would be greatly appreciated, let me assure you. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mad\_Hermit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5ac83/32.png) [@The\_Mad\_Hermit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mad_Hermit)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2004, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943/30 "2004-03-24T05:18:15Z")
I know how to find out why he’s being so attentive to his chores now- ASK. Talk to him. Make it comfortable for him to talk to you, and he will let you know what’s going on in his life. It works for my sons. If it’s trouble, he will appreciate getting it out in the open. If he wants something, he will get the nerve to ask you about whatever and satisfy your curiosity. My money’s on **DocCathode,** for what it’s worth. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2004, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943/31 "2004-03-24T13:23:56Z")
Well, it’s not report card time, plus, I can access his grades online and check his progress any time I want, so that’s not it. He did drape his bedsheet over his lamp last night, causing it to scorch a hole in the sheet, but I think that’s the limit of his Satanic activities. 😉 I’m betting on a learner’s permit. I don’t want to question his motives too closely, for fear his new found energy may wither away. 😃 I shall sit him down tonight and see what he says. Last chance to place your bets! ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2004, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943/32 "2004-03-24T14:07:54Z")
I just figured it out. He really isn’t your son. He’s actually a member of an alien race, an agent, perhaps, who was implanted in an imitation pregnancy. He has been studying you and yours and anyone within your sphere of life. Everything has been an experiment, including this. How you react will be part of his thesis. It’s blindingly obvious!! Either that or the learner’s permit thing. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2004, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943/33 "2004-03-24T14:28:19Z")
When I was growing up and my brother was in Scouting, we used to get issues of Boy’s Life every month. At the time, a number of the ads were for pellet guns or the like and a major sales campaign issue was responsibility. The ad would say something like “Your parents will know when you are responsible enough to handle the Red Ryder BB Rifle”. The picture would be of a bicycle left on its side in the middle of a driveway at night. The underlying message was that if you grew up and acted responsibly, then maybe you were responsible enough to own their product. While I never ever was allowed to get a pellet gun (“you’ll shoot yer eye out with that d-mn thing!”), I know that I went through a number of months of trying to be Joe Helpful until that fact sunk in. And yes, while a car seems like a more likely option, no one mentioned this other possibility (and for all I know the OP poster has a moral aversion to any kind of gun, pellet or otherwise). Then again, he may just want her to say ‘OK’ to him having his girlfriend sleep over. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2004, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943/34 "2004-03-24T14:32:52Z")
> **[Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) - IMDb](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0077745/)** > > Invasion of the Body Snatchers: Directed by Philip Kaufman. With Donald Sutherland, Brooke Adams, Jeff Goldblum, Veronica Cartwright. When strange seeds drift to earth from space, mysterious pods begin to grow and invade San Francisco, California,... ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2004, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943/35 "2004-03-24T17:25:35Z")
> [@quietman1920](#): > > Then again, he may just want her to say ‘OK’ to him having his girlfriend sleep over. 😉 Not a chance. I’m keeping that thing in a jar until he’s 30. ---
**Author:** ![haardvark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@haardvark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/haardvark)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2004, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943/36 "2004-03-24T17:32:32Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > Not a chance. I’m keeping that thing in a jar until he’s 30. Just remember to change the water every couple of days. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2004, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943/37 "2004-03-24T17:45:40Z")
Like bamboo, or more like a goldfish bowl? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2004, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943/38 "2004-03-24T18:37:58Z")
My bet is on alien replacement. ---
**Author:** ![paperbackwriter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@paperbackwriter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/paperbackwriter)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2004, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943/39 "2004-03-24T19:37:47Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > Like bamboo, or more like a goldfish bowl? 😉 More like the goldfish bowl. You can’t replace all the water at once, and you need to clean the inside of the jar before you refill it. 😉 😃 ---
**Author:** ![mrklutz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ebca7d/32.png) [@mrklutz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrklutz)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2004, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943/40 "2004-03-24T19:53:13Z")
Another possibility: **Ivyspawn** , sitting around his room, bored and looking for amusement, asked himself, “How could I really mess with Mom’s head?” 😛 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-my-son/235943.md?page=3)