# Who comes first?

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-comes-first/238245>\
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion\
**Created:** [April 4, 2004, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-comes-first/238245 "2004-04-04T22:32:48Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 4\
**Page:** 2

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**Author:** ![Tir\_Tinuviel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@Tir\_Tinuviel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tir_Tinuviel)\
**Post date:** [April 5, 2004, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-comes-first/238245/21 "2004-04-05T14:23:39Z")

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I would without any hesitation save my man.

I spent a long time finding him and getting to the stage when we are both living in the same country. Not to mention the time I spent training him. 😃

I’m not going to sacrifice what I have with him for the sake of a child which might grow up to hate me, or at the very least will eventually leave the home and be seen only seldomly. Whereas I know my man loves me, and he’s unlikely to change personality too much (compaired to a growing child) so I’ll always love him, and I know I’ll have him by my side for the rest of my life.

If we wanted to we could always make another kid, no way I could make another Twisty.

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**Author:** ![Vlad\_Dracul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/50afbb/32.png) [@Vlad\_Dracul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vlad_Dracul)\
**Post date:** [April 5, 2004, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-comes-first/238245/22 "2004-04-05T21:38:00Z")

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I don’t even LIKE children.

If I have one, it means a leaky condom, defective pills, and a woman who couldn’t be talked into an abortion.

Now that I think about it, I guess I wouldn’t have much motivation to save either one! 😃

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**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\
**Post date:** [April 5, 2004, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-comes-first/238245/23 "2004-04-05T22:11:00Z")

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> [@trublmakr](#):
>
> It’s just that I haven’t been able to get these questions answered by my co-workers that claim they would put their children first before any marraige to anybody. What does it mean, then, to “put your kids first”? If it doesn’t mean that you would defer to them for decisions and make your life’s purpose making them happy, giving them what they want, making them the most comfortable they could possibly be- then what does it mean? My point being that when I ask the question, a lot of women vehemently maintain that they would NO WAY consider putting their spouse and/or their marraige before their kids, but when I ask them what that would entail for them, they have no idea. Under what circumstances, then, would YOU put your children before your husband and/or your marraige? Assuming, of course, that the spouse in question is not abusive and that you have an interest in having a good marraige with them.

Plenty of situations that I can think of- although I don’t expect any of them will come up for me, I have seen people in all of them chose the man over the child. Most of them involve abuse or neglect of some sort , and they don’t always involve the kids’ father (can be a new spouse or boyfriend), but I suspect that abusive or neglectful situations or _serious_ disagreements about childrearing issues are what your coworkers are talking about. I wouldn’t automatically oppose that transfer to Hooptyville because one of my kids said they would be unhappy. I would probably oppose it if it came up a year or so before one of them was due to graduate from eighth grade or high school. I probably would have opposed sending my child to boarding school, had my husband insisted on it I would not put a husband or boyfriend first if he wanted to take frequent weekend trips and vacations that almost never included the kids. I would not put him first if it meant he spent hundreds of dollars a month on his own entertainment while the kids couldn’t go on class trips or participate in activities because of the cost. I wouldn’t automatically choose Fuddruckers every time, but also wouldn’t automatically choose Red Lobster every time. And should I ever get into one of those situations with my husband, I don’t think it would be entirely accurate to say that I put my kids before my husband or my marriage. There would also be a certain amount of me questioning why, exactly , I married a man who disagrees so much with me. And I think that to some extent, that’s why some people say their spouse would come first- not because their spouse would come first in any possible situation, but because they can’t imagine disagreeing with their real life spouse on an issue important enough to be worth ending the marriage over.

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**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\
**Post date:** [April 5, 2004, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-comes-first/238245/24 "2004-04-05T22:57:41Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> What does it mean, then, to “put your kids first”? If it doesn’t mean that you would defer to them for decisions and make your life’s purpose making them happy, giving them what they want, making them the most comfortable they could possibly be- then what does it mean?

It depends so much on the situation, is all. I do believe that one of the best things I can give my children is a good marriage with DangerDad. He is my primary relationship, he’ll still be around when they’re grown, and I am firmly in the camp of working on my marriage and staying close with him, so that we aren’t strangers in 20 years. We love our kids to death, but we’re a married couple first.

But DangerDad is an adult and can take care of a lot of his own needs. In an everyday, day in day out way, the kids’ needs come before our desires. They get fed and taken care of before we can do what we want. If we’re concerned about DangerBaby and allergies, and feel that she should be nursed as long as possible, then we do that, despite the short-term depressive effect on our Fun. (We’re happily over that phase now.) If it turns out that one or more of our kids needs some kind of special thing–private school, intensive time, theater activity, or something equally expensive or time-consuming–then we’ll provide that and skip on candlelit dinners at fancy restaurants or whatever.

For now, the kids are dependent on us for their needs and any extras they may get–whereas we’re the adults and are supposed to be able to delay gratification, put up with inconveniences, and wait our turn. Not indefinitely and to the point that our relationship falls apart, obviously, but at least until after dinner.

Now, I’m not talking about _spoiling_ the kids–we’re the grownups and we’re gonna decide where to eat–after taking their wishes into account, of course. Neither do I mean giving DangerGirl a pony because she mentions that she wants one. Reasonable accommodation to the condition of being a kid is necessary, though, and parents should try to provide what they can in the way of enriching activities. (For example, I wanted to be an exchange student. I worked to save money, I filled out the applications, but my parents supported me and contributed most of the cash. “If this is what you really want, we’ll find a way to do it” was their attitude, and one I am grateful for.)

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