# Who dealt with it better, Alanis or Adele? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** music\ **Created:** [January 29, 2023, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-dealt-with-it-better-alanis-or-adele/978987 "2023-01-29T13:45:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2023, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-dealt-with-it-better-alanis-or-adele/978987/1 "2023-01-29T13:45:37Z")
Someone Like You and You Oughta Know are songs about the same thing, the deep hurt we feel when someone we love finds someone else. Where Alanis turns the hurt into raging anger, Adele bathes in her pain. And while I believe Adele when she wishes the new couple the best, I feel Alanis thinks the best for them would be for them both to die in a fire. Which do you think is the healthier response? And to all you exe’s out there, listen to your friends when they tell you-- DO NOT SHOW UP AT THE NEW COUPLE’S HOME OR PARTY OR WEDDING! Don’t do it. It will not end well for anyone involved. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2023, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-dealt-with-it-better-alanis-or-adele/978987/2 "2023-01-29T14:51:53Z")
> [@Biggirl](#): > > It will not end well for anyone involved. But it might make a lasting story. … That might be better for the whole of humanity! ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2023, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-dealt-with-it-better-alanis-or-adele/978987/3 "2023-01-29T15:09:16Z")
I don’t think You Oughta Know is a healthy response, but I think it’s a better song. And she was just a kid when she wrote it! ---
**Author:** ![mbh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@mbh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbh)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2023, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-dealt-with-it-better-alanis-or-adele/978987/4 "2023-01-29T15:11:26Z")
“And everytime I scratch my nails down someone else’s back, I hope you feel it.” “I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it” Adele may be a bit of a stalker, but nothing in the song indicates that she is hurting a third party. ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2023, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-dealt-with-it-better-alanis-or-adele/978987/5 "2023-01-29T15:15:37Z")
Alanis’s version is someone having the understandable initial gut reaction and letting it out. I can imagine that being the message she leaves on his voice mail like, a minute after she finds out he’s now carrying on with the new girl. But it is a rage that will burn out relatively quickly and she’ll move on. Adele’s OTOH seems to be someone who had some time to think it over, and is processing it, and trying to make the best BUT makes the mistake of showing up “out of the blue, uninvited” to speak her peace. Plus, _maybe_ looking for “someone like you” is _not_ what you should be doing in the aftermath. FWIW I’ve enjoyed You Oughta Know a lot more ever since it came out. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2023, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-dealt-with-it-better-alanis-or-adele/978987/6 "2023-01-29T15:36:32Z")
I’ve always hated songs like _Someone Like You._ It’s beyond creepy and rude to show up at someone’s wedding and make a scene. I don’t listen to her entire catalog, but all of the songs I have heard seem kind of whingy and navel-gazey and obsessive. The one I really do like is _Rollin’ in the Deep_ but I apply that to a family situation, not a lover. _You Oughtta Know_ just never struck me that way, though it’s arguably the same kind of deal. I think I just prefer the angrier, grungier song. I don’t think either are particularly healthy responses. Both anger and sadness are natural responses to a breakup, but getting up in your ex’s face with your sadness or your anger when they are trying to move on, is just kinda immature. ---
**Author:** ![Paintcharge](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/paintcharge/32/7946_2.png) [@Paintcharge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paintcharge)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2023, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-dealt-with-it-better-alanis-or-adele/978987/7 "2023-01-29T15:41:50Z")
I don’t think Alanis is “hurting” anyone with her nails in this instance. ---
**Author:** ![garygnu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/garygnu/32/2924_2.png) [@garygnu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/garygnu)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2023, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-dealt-with-it-better-alanis-or-adele/978987/8 "2023-01-29T16:17:52Z")
Oh, there may be pain involved, but the person being scratched is definitely in that position voluntarily. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2023, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-dealt-with-it-better-alanis-or-adele/978987/9 "2023-01-29T16:37:23Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > I don’t think either are particularly healthy responses. Both anger and sadness are natural responses to a breakup, but getting up in your ex’s face with your sadness or your anger when they are trying to move on, is just kinda immature. Yeah. Both are suboptimal responses. Then again, mature responses tend to make for boring lyrics and music. I’ll take Alanis in this one, as stylistically I prefer the catharsis of anger to wallowing in weepiness (though the latter has its place, too.) And for the aggressive imagery. Plus Flea on bass! ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2023, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-dealt-with-it-better-alanis-or-adele/978987/10 "2023-01-29T17:21:51Z")
Not to deny the debate, but honestly, Miley Cyrus’s new “Flowers” is one of the best post-breakup “I’m moving on” anthems I’ve ever heard, and I am far from a Miley Cyrus fan. It’s honest, heartfelt, and earned, and I’m legitimately impressed. ---
**Author:** ![Moonrise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moonrise/32/14764_2.png) [@Moonrise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonrise)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2023, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-dealt-with-it-better-alanis-or-adele/978987/11 "2023-01-30T10:41:54Z")
Rage is a puerile reaction, but an understandable one - to a certain extent - in this situation. Cathartic. Wallowing in sadness and stalking, presumably years later, not so much. Alanis for the win (better song, too). ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2023, 11:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-dealt-with-it-better-alanis-or-adele/978987/12 "2023-01-30T11:30:38Z")
My wife asked me some 20 years ago: “Why do guys hate Alanis’ song when male artist bitch and moan about their relationships all the damn time”? Alanis’ song hit a chord with women at that time. It was a song that was very much needed. IDK which is “healthier” but I’d say Alanis’ song is/was more profound. ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2023, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-dealt-with-it-better-alanis-or-adele/978987/13 "2023-01-30T12:19:34Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > “Why do guys hate Alanis’ song when male artist bitch and moan about their relationships all the damn time” Was there a backlash against that song? I don’t remember any controversy over it at the time (other than the swear word in the lyrics), but I hardly have my finger on the pulse of the zeitgeist. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2023, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-dealt-with-it-better-alanis-or-adele/978987/14 "2023-01-30T12:24:56Z")
I was just speaking about my own anecdotal experience. The men in my orbit were basically “Boo hoo get over it”. Perhaps you hung around a more progressive crowd than I did.🙂 ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2023, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-dealt-with-it-better-alanis-or-adele/978987/15 "2023-01-30T12:49:18Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > Perhaps you hung around a more progressive crowd than I did.🙂 To be honest, more male friends of mine were fans of that Alanis song than female. And I don’t think most of them were particularly progressive. I think they particularly found the “fury of a woman scorned” vibe and sexual imagery compelling. ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2023, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-dealt-with-it-better-alanis-or-adele/978987/16 "2023-01-30T14:55:16Z")
Adele was also a kid when she wrote her song, so the parallels continue. ---
**Author:** ![tullsterx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@tullsterx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tullsterx)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2023, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-dealt-with-it-better-alanis-or-adele/978987/17 "2023-01-30T17:24:30Z")
I think dealing with that kind of grief is a process and the tone of the songs is more indicative of how they feel at the time. Like Adele may have felt Alanis’ anger at first. And I’m sure Alanis has come to “peace with her pain.” to some extent. So, I think both may be healthy, as long as you don’t do anything crazy in-between. Feeling angry and bitter is not unhealthy. It’s all about what you do with it. Seems to me. ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2023, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-dealt-with-it-better-alanis-or-adele/978987/18 "2023-01-30T23:24:28Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > Perhaps you hung around a more progressive crowd than I did.🙂 To be honest, back then we were probably spending more time thinking about magic swords and Gauntlets of Ogre Power than the music career of the girl from “You Can’t Do That On Television”.