# Who do/should you love more - children or partner? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 6, 2015, 8:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-do-should-you-love-more-children-or-partner/711956 "2015-02-06T08:25:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 8:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-do-should-you-love-more-children-or-partner/711956/1 "2015-02-06T08:25:19Z")
I was surprised by my single Christian sister when she said that she’d love her husband more than her children… what do you think? ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 10:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-do-should-you-love-more-children-or-partner/711956/2 "2015-02-06T10:43:12Z")
I give no weight at all to hypothetical relationship “rankings” as imagined by someone who does not have any such relationship. Love for a partner is a different emotion than love for a child. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 11:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-do-should-you-love-more-children-or-partner/711956/3 "2015-02-06T11:28:39Z")
Well people who do have a partner and a child/children could say what they think. The rankings have real world consequences - e.g. the resources such as time, effort, money, goodwill, etc, they’d invest in them. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 11:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-do-should-you-love-more-children-or-partner/711956/4 "2015-02-06T11:32:23Z")
Also it could involve making choices about what the partner wants or what is best for the partner vs. the interests of the child… the type of emotion involved isn’t necessarily relevant. ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-do-should-you-love-more-children-or-partner/711956/5 "2015-02-06T11:53:16Z")
I’m not sure you can separate them, unless it is a dysfunctional relationship. Your partner should have the same love for the kids. If it is a second tier marriage I can see it. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 12:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-do-should-you-love-more-children-or-partner/711956/6 "2015-02-06T12:01:53Z")
I did a google search for always put my children first A lot of people separate them: > **[Netmums - Netmums, the parenting community you can trust to help you through...](https://www.netmums.com)** > > Netmums, the parenting community you can trust to help you through the highs and lows of family life offering local info, expert parenting advice, chat, competitions, recipes and friendly support > [@](#): > > I was reading an article today (Daily mail sorry) about a celeb who has said that she puts her husband first and her child second. This is in order to have a strong healthy marriage which in theory would be best for the family. She says: > > ‘For us, I find, we put our marriage first and our child second, because the best thing we can do for him is have a strong marriage.’ > [@](#): > > I put the kids first all the time but I know my husband would want me to! > [@](#): > > Children first 100%. I even ended my marriage for the sake of my children. > [@](#): > > Absolutely, it’s not about a family unit thing. Children, are just that and vulnerable. Their needs should be met before ANY adult. > [@](#): > > _prepares for the backlash_ I put my husband first… More correctly I put my marriage first. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 12:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-do-should-you-love-more-children-or-partner/711956/7 "2015-02-06T12:13:20Z")
Love is a feeling and a behavior. Feelings can’t be helped. They can’t be “shoulded”. If a person has strong feelings towards their spouse more than their kid, they can’t be faulted for that. It just is what it is. Loving behaviors are different. I think significant others owe it to themselves to show care towards one another, but ultimately, they are even more obligated to put their resources towards their children. If the kids don’t have food, then the parents shouldn’t be going out for steak dinners. If you can only spare one hug a day, it should go to the person whose pysche and self-esteem are still developing and who lacks the ability to go looking for love somewhere else. Loving behaviors don’t have anything to do with feelings. I have no problem with a parent who despises their child, as long as they don’t show it in their actions. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-do-should-you-love-more-children-or-partner/711956/8 "2015-02-06T12:20:43Z")
I should have called the topic “who would you tend to put first” like those quotes are about - not about love. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-do-should-you-love-more-children-or-partner/711956/9 "2015-02-06T12:33:06Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > …If the kids don’t have food, then the parents shouldn’t be going out for steak dinners. If you can only spare one hug a day, it should go to the person whose pysche and self-esteem are still developing and who lacks the ability to go looking for love somewhere else… Putting someone first can mean just giving them a bit more resources - it doesn’t mean that they get everything while the other person gets nothing. ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-do-should-you-love-more-children-or-partner/711956/10 "2015-02-06T12:44:34Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > I was surprised by my single Christian sister when she said that she’d love her husband more than her children… what do you think? This entire thread confuses me but I’d be willing to bet your sisters ideas are based in her particular brand of Christianity. ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-do-should-you-love-more-children-or-partner/711956/11 "2015-02-06T12:44:36Z")
You should always love your child more because you created them (even if they were adopted). You are responsible for them. Even after adulthood where you’re not legally responsible, you still have that hangover. Your partner should understand that, especially if they are also the parent of the same child. > [@DrFidelius](#): > > I give no weight at all to hypothetical relationship “rankings” as imagined by someone who does not have any such relationship. Love for a partner is a different emotion than love for a child. I agree that it’s a different feeling, but if your partner and your child were hanging off a cliff, and you could only catch one of them, which would you choose? That’s the scenario I’ve seen posed before and it has its own revelations, but it does has real-life corrolaries with more nuanced decisions between what’s better for the partner or for the child. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-do-should-you-love-more-children-or-partner/711956/12 "2015-02-06T13:22:27Z")
I love my partner and I love my children, but the love is somehow different. There have been times when I’ve put my kids first; my gf has accepted (indeed expected) it. ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-do-should-you-love-more-children-or-partner/711956/13 "2015-02-06T13:27:15Z")
> [@SciFiSam](#): > > I agree that it’s a different feeling, but if your partner and your child were hanging off a cliff, and you could only catch one of them, which would you choose? > > That’s the scenario I’ve seen posed before and it has its own revelations, but it does has real-life corrolaries with more nuanced decisions between what’s better for the partner or for the child. If I ever saved my Wife while allowing one of our daughters to die, She would never forgive me. Ever. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-do-should-you-love-more-children-or-partner/711956/14 "2015-02-06T13:39:55Z")
> [@White SIFL](#): > > This entire thread confuses me but I’d be willing to bet your sisters ideas are based in her particular brand of Christianity. During our pre-marital counseling our priest said we needed to put our spouses before anything else (besides God, natch). ---
**Author:** ![Lasciel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e79b87/32.png) [@Lasciel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lasciel)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-do-should-you-love-more-children-or-partner/711956/15 "2015-02-06T14:53:09Z")
> [@SciFiSam](#): > > **You should always love your child more because you created them (even if they were adopted). You are responsible for them.** (snipped and bolded by me) First off, those two statements don’t have anything to do with each other. Responsibility is one thing, and love (both the emotion and loving behavior) is a totally different thing. I agree that you’re responsible for a child. I also agree that you should show loving behavior towards your child. I strongly disagree that you “should always love your child more” - based on what exactly? The fact that I pushed them out my body? The fact that an adoption agency paired us up? What if our personalities conflict? What if they end up being an axe murderer? What if they’re abusive, or selfish, or hateful towards me (or towards other people I love), what if they torture my cat or burn my belongings? Should I always “love them more” regardless? And if not, what are the conditions governing dissolving that “you should ALWAYS love them more” relationship? I CHOSE my husband. I love him dearly. We are both adults, with developed personalities that work together and mesh very well, and at times, he drives me absolutely bonkers. Yet society allows divorce, and mostly doesn’t treat it as a horrible terrible unhuman decision to make. I chose my friends, and some are still close and I love them, and some have drifted away because our interests and personalities have altered over time. I don’t love all of them anymore, but society doesn’t berate me for abandoning some. Why should the parent/child relationship be held to a special standard? I hate when people start dropping “shoulds” and “musts” and “you wills” on mothers (parents in general, but mostly mothers) about anything, because they get enough shit anyway from society. This is a particularly bad precedent, because they don’t have any way of knowing what kind of people the kids are going to be, and I don’t think anyone - no matter the relationship - OWES anyone else an emotional connection. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-do-should-you-love-more-children-or-partner/711956/16 "2015-02-06T15:19:14Z")
Apples and oranges. The feelings are different. I look forward to the time the kids are on their own and it’s just me and the S.O. But until then I would sacrifice everything for the kids. And my girlfriend agrees. But they all annoy the crap out of me at times. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-do-should-you-love-more-children-or-partner/711956/17 "2015-02-06T15:28:02Z")
My child comes first. My wife would put her children ahead of me. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-do-should-you-love-more-children-or-partner/711956/18 "2015-02-06T15:29:11Z")
As a spouse and a parent, it is very seldom where you have to choose between the two. Most of the time it is fluid and when situations arise where you might have to choose, each situation is unique and usually it is very easy to decide who wins in that particular situation and it’s not always the same outcome. I find that black and white hypotheticals don’t really have much application in the real world. ETA: I have yet to be in a situation where there is a life raft with only chance of one person’s survival and I have to choose between my spouse or my child. ---
**Author:** ![CatastrophicFailure](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8c91f0/32.png) [@CatastrophicFailure](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CatastrophicFailure)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-do-should-you-love-more-children-or-partner/711956/19 "2015-02-06T15:36:41Z")
Who remembers this essay, by Ayelet Waldman, about how she loves her husband more than her kids, and the backlash it set off? [Truly, Madly, Guiltily - The New York Times](http://www.nytimes.com/2005/03/27/fashion/27love.html) I didn’t understand the comparison then or now. I love my partner and my children differently, and don’t feel a need to rank them. I do, however, feel more responsible for my kids. That’s my job as a parent. ---
**Author:** ![Ms\_Boods](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5e9695/32.png) [@Ms\_Boods](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ms_Boods)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2015, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-do-should-you-love-more-children-or-partner/711956/20 "2015-02-06T15:53:17Z")
Put the kids first as that buys you a bit more time to get away from the charging bear. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-do-should-you-love-more-children-or-partner/711956.md?page=2)