# Who does more of the breaking up: Men, or Women? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 11, 2003, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-does-more-of-the-breaking-up-men-or-women/168108 "2003-04-11T20:10:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-does-more-of-the-breaking-up-men-or-women/168108/1 "2003-04-11T20:10:11Z")
I was having a conversation with a (male) friend about a recently-ended relationship of mine. It wasn’t until halfway through the conversation that he realized that _I_ had broken up with _her_, and not the other way around. he allowed as to how that was “a little strange.” I then told him that I had been the one to end about 90% of the relationships I’d ever been in. He thought that was simply amazing. When I thought about it, I could remember that most of those women were taken by surprise when I ended it. But I don’t really know why that is. Maybe I saw some problem they didn’t see, or maybe. . . . who knows, really? But I thought it just might be because girls dump guys more than the other way around, so _getting_ dumped was a new/rare experience for them. Can anyone attest to the truth or falsehood of this? ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-does-more-of-the-breaking-up-men-or-women/168108/2 "2003-04-11T20:19:38Z")
I don’t think I’m that rare a case but I’m a guy and I have never ended a relationship. Actually, come to think of it I’m not sure if I ever really started one either. I sometimes think I just reacted naturally to the obvoius yet subtle opporunities presented to me by the opposite sex. I guess the women sometimes make up their minds first and sort of let us think it was our idea. ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-does-more-of-the-breaking-up-men-or-women/168108/3 "2003-04-11T20:25:48Z")
Well, for what it’s worth, stats show that in the U.S., about 2/3 of all divorces are initiated by women. That doesn’t tell us much, of course. Women seek divorces for a wide range of reasons, ranging from the horrible (abuse) to the mundane (boredom), and it’s not my place to decide whether their reasons are valid. But it certainly DOES appear, at first glace, that while men may have diffculty making commitments (hence, the monthly cover stories in Cosmo about men who won’t commit), women are the ones who have trouble KEEPING commitments. ---
**Author:** ![Medea\_s\_Child](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Medea\_s\_Child](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Medea_s_Child)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-does-more-of-the-breaking-up-men-or-women/168108/4 "2003-04-11T20:39:19Z")
Lets see…out of six notable relationships (and I know I’m missing some little kid stuff in there) I broke up with five of them, one broke up with me. I’m female. ---
**Author:** ![Lynne\_kilii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d26b3c/32.png) [@Lynne\_kilii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynne_kilii)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-does-more-of-the-breaking-up-men-or-women/168108/5 "2003-04-11T20:45:50Z")
With any boyfriend I have had so far, being reasonably (although not completely) immature high school romances, I’ve ended them all. One was mutual, it just wasn’t working out. But most of the girls I know, they break it off. I think that 2/3 statistic probably holds true to any level of relationship. But that’s just my guess. No cites or anything. ---
**Author:** ![Lynne\_kilii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d26b3c/32.png) [@Lynne\_kilii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynne_kilii)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-does-more-of-the-breaking-up-men-or-women/168108/6 "2003-04-11T20:48:36Z")
hrm, on second thought, that sounded wrong. _AND_ most of the girls I know (being one myself) instead of but… Just in case of confusion. Carry on. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-does-more-of-the-breaking-up-men-or-women/168108/7 "2003-04-11T21:07:16Z")
I’ve always been the dumper, never the dumpee. And to make a gross generalization, I’d guess that most women initiate breakups. Any further speculation would probably take this to the pit, so I’ll stop now. ---
**Author:** ![Tamex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ccd318/32.png) [@Tamex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tamex)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-does-more-of-the-breaking-up-men-or-women/168108/8 "2003-04-11T21:19:43Z")
My husband’s former MO, when wanting to break off a relationship, was to become so completely annoying and irritating that the girl in question would break up with him first. That way, he would be able to “spare her feelings”. This strategy only backfired once–with his last girlfriend (before me). She just didn’t get the hint, apparently–not when he told her that they needed to “take a break in their relationship so he could concentrate on school”, not when he started flirting with/dating other people, and not even when he finally had to break down and say that he was breaking up with her! Otherwise, though, jerkish behavior (not calling, etc.) worked like a charm. :rolleyes:(I told him that he’d better never pull that sort of crap on me.) So, perhaps there are other men out there who decide to end relationships, but leave the actual dumping to the woman in question. I had a guy “dump” me once by simply disappearing off the face of the planet–no calls, etc. Believe me, words would have been much less cruel. The OP must be a rare man indeed to be able to put those sorts of feelings into words. ---
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-does-more-of-the-breaking-up-men-or-women/168108/9 "2003-04-11T21:56:45Z")
I’m usually the dumpee–and when people find out that _he_ dumped _me_, they’re usually surprised. Hmph. And all this time I thought that this was because these people just figured I was “better” than the men who dumped me. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-does-more-of-the-breaking-up-men-or-women/168108/10 "2003-04-11T22:03:41Z")
I’ve never been dumped. (I’m a guy.) My wife has also never been dumped. However, she’s dated more people than me. So, in our case the statistics show that women initiate breakups more than men. 🙂 Of course, now we’ve set the stage for a real showdown if we ever split up. It’s lucky we probably never will, because if I ever hear her start a conversation with the words “we need to talk”, I’m just gonna flip over the table and start rampaging around. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-does-more-of-the-breaking-up-men-or-women/168108/11 "2003-04-11T22:22:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by The Devil’s Grandmother \* > \*\*I’ve always been the dumper, never the dumpee. And to make a gross generalization, I’d guess that most women initiate breakups. Any further speculation would probably take this to the pit, so I’ll stop now. \*\* Aaah, generalize away. I’ve also seen stats that more men cheat on their wives. It all evens out. But so far, the numbers are bearing out my friend. Apparently I am an exceptional man, though not necessarily in a positive way. I’m pretty verbal, **Tamex** , so saying what I think once I’ve _really_ made up my mind is not that tough. What makes it easy sometimes is that I think they’re playing games with me. Then I get mad, and say things like “I’ve got better things to do with my life than fuck around with you. We’re through.” I’ll never forget breaking up with my first serious girlfriend, in the summer of '96. I did it by phone, since I was in Seattle for the summer and she in Ohio. She cried. I wanted the Earth to swallow me whole. I felt a lot better about nine months later when she said I was the first man to treat her with any respect. Still, I’ve never been with anyone I like more than her since. I don’t regret the breakup (she was ready to get marrid, and I wasn’t) I just wish I’d done it differently. ---
**Author:** ![j.c](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/73ab20/32.png) [@j.c](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j.c)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-does-more-of-the-breaking-up-men-or-women/168108/12 "2003-04-12T03:08:49Z")
> [@](#): > > I’ve also seen stats that more men cheat on their wives. More men confess, more men get caught cheeting, women are more likely to hire private detectives. That’s what we know. … and we also know that more than 10 percent of American children are the product of an affair. Women are simply better at cheating. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-does-more-of-the-breaking-up-men-or-women/168108/13 "2003-04-12T03:53:39Z")
Let’s see, going back through all my significant relationships… She ended it She ended it She ended it She ended it I ended it She ended it She ended it She ended it So I’d say the ratio is about 7:1 ---
**Author:** ![Flutterby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Flutterby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flutterby)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-does-more-of-the-breaking-up-men-or-women/168108/14 "2003-04-12T16:44:55Z")
In all of my relationships, I was the dumpee. I don’t know what it is about me and guys but they always just… stop calling… I call a few times after… try and get ahold of them… talk to them… ask them to hang out… but when they never call back I just drop it. They never have actually said it’s over to me, we just stop talking completely. My second bf I will probably never forget… just for the fact that I found out (about a month after I stopped even trying to get ahold of him) that he was sleeping with _at least_ 3 other girls when he was with me. Oh that pissed me off when I learned about it, now I just see it as a learning experience. I now know some of the signs. ---
**Author:** ![shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shrew)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2003, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-does-more-of-the-breaking-up-men-or-women/168108/15 "2003-05-06T17:33:53Z")
I think the heart of the issue here is which gender is more passive and which is more active (in relationships)? This question can only possibly be answered with a generalization, but I’d say generally men are much more passive where matters of the heart are concerned. I’ve known many men who simply allowed relationships _to happen to them_. The relationship would start, exist, and end with an absolutely minimal effort from the men involved. I don’t even know how they attracted the girls to begin with. Women, on the other hand, tend to take a much more active stance in the relationship. I’ve only had one even semi-serious relationship (despite my age of 26), and I broke up with him. We were young, he wanted a heavy commitment, I said no. He was willing to wait, but I didn’t see the point. I wasn’t in love with him. We’re still friends more than five years later, and I’ve met both of his wives. Sadly for him, his first wife left him despite his absolute adoration of her. ---
**Author:** ![5-HT](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/5/f19dbf/32.png) [@5-HT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/5-HT)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2003, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-does-more-of-the-breaking-up-men-or-women/168108/16 "2003-05-06T17:56:25Z")
I’m a guy and In 75% my notable relationships, I did the breaking up. I don’t think that’s typical though. ---
**Author:** ![Smashed\_Ice\_Cream](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Smashed\_Ice\_Cream](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smashed_Ice_Cream)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2003, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-does-more-of-the-breaking-up-men-or-women/168108/17 "2003-05-06T19:29:33Z")
Of all my relationships, only once did the guy end it, I ended every other one. I was also 13 years old at the time; he was 16 and felt that he was much to mature for me then. (Then my mom started dating, then married his dad, which is an entirely different story.) I married extremely young, and was widowed, so this is all my relationships afterward: 1st guy - cheated on me 2nd guy - was a lazy git, and wouln’t keep a job, and drank all the time 3rd - wanted me to drop out of grad school when he failed out 4th - cheated 5th - got drunk once and socked me in the face. I never spoke to him again. 6th - was apathetic about the relationship and I suspect was cheating 7th - cheated _with a prostitute._ I married the next one. Believe it or not, I’m not jaded, either. Insignificant relationships, people I was just “dating” have all just kind of fizzled out, due to not calling or whatever. I don’t think I ever had to tell anyone after a couple of dates “gee, this isn’t going to work,” ; we just seemed to phase out. ---
**Author:** ![mipiace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb9ed0/32.png) [@mipiace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mipiace)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2003, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-does-more-of-the-breaking-up-men-or-women/168108/18 "2003-05-06T19:36:34Z")
I used to think men but I’m beginning to think it’s women. The older I get, the more needy the men I meet become. It’s pathetic. ---
**Author:** ![Stonebow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Stonebow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stonebow)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2003, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-does-more-of-the-breaking-up-men-or-women/168108/19 "2003-05-06T19:55:50Z")
i’m pretty sure that there are some basic reasons for the disparity. could it because women are taught (we could go into evolutionary conditioning, but let’s not) to ‘shop around’ to find the best mate? you know, since they might get impregnated by them, it’s in their best interest to find the one best suited to be a husband/father/protector/provider? i guess it takes time to figure that out. i’m sure there is a corollary on the male side as well, and the way that we select mates (usually physically) that leads us to be pretty happy unless we find something better? very few of the guys that i know that initiate breakups do so for reasons other than having found someone else. just a WAG. does it make sense? btw- i’m male, was exclusively the dumpee in my short dating career. ---
**Author:** ![Cisco](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ccd318/32.png) [@Cisco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cisco)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2003, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-does-more-of-the-breaking-up-men-or-women/168108/20 "2003-05-06T23:19:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by zoid \* > \*\*I don’t think I’m that rare a case but I’m a guy and I have never ended a relationship. > > Actually, come to think of it I’m not sure if I ever really started one either. I sometimes think I just reacted naturally to the obvoius yet subtle opporunities presented to me by the opposite sex. I guess the women sometimes make up their minds first and sort of let us think it was our idea. \*\* My thoughts and experiences exactly. 1st girl: Cheated on me with my best friend/roomate 2nd girl: Cheated on me with my best friend 3rd girl: Dumped me (Chronicled at length in these forums) All three of them initiated the relationship. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-does-more-of-the-breaking-up-men-or-women/168108.md?page=2)