# Who is the Worst Contemporary Fiction Writer? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 16, 2015, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-is-the-worst-contemporary-fiction-writer/734849 "2015-10-16T22:26:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Memnon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f1d935/32.png) [@Memnon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Memnon)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2015, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-is-the-worst-contemporary-fiction-writer/734849/1 "2015-10-16T22:26:54Z")
I’ve just finished reading Morrissey’s novel “List of the Lost”. It’s the worst book I’ve ever read by an absolute mile, and it’s been mercilessly (and deservedly) slated in the British press. In fact, it’s _so_ bad, it’s actually kind of good. It’s entertaining, just for all the wrong reasons, like “Plan 9 From Outer Space”. I persevered with it purely to see just how atrocious it would get. Spoiler alert: Very. To give you a rough idea of how bad it is, the Daily Telegraph put together a little list of the 10 worst lines, [here](http://www.telegraph.co.uk/books/authors/morrissey-list-of-the-lost-best-lines/). Here’s my favourite: > [@Morrissey. Yes](#): > > “At this, Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and puled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.” And yes, ‘Bulbous salutation’ and ‘Otherwise central zone’ are _exactly_ what you think they are. The whole book is like this. There’s no way Morrissey could have gotten this published if he weren’t already famous. Anyway, it got me thinking, who really is the worst published author writing today? Is Morrissey really as bad as they come? Or is there someone even more awful? Please substantiate your nominations with direct quotes. I could do with a laugh 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Exapno\_Mapcase](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/exapno_mapcase/32/1051_2.png) [@Exapno\_Mapcase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exapno_Mapcase)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2015, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-is-the-worst-contemporary-fiction-writer/734849/2 "2015-10-16T22:32:21Z")
The _Guardian_ gives out an annual Bad Sex Award for the worst sex scene in works of good fiction. Obviously Morrissey wanted to win that and gave it his all. ---
**Author:** ![Memnon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f1d935/32.png) [@Memnon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Memnon)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2015, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-is-the-worst-contemporary-fiction-writer/734849/3 "2015-10-16T22:39:20Z")
> [@Exapno\_Mapcase](#): > > The _Guardian_ gives out an annual Bad Sex Award for the worst sex scene in works of good fiction. Obviously Morrissey wanted to win that and gave it his all. I reckon they’re gonna have to retire that award now. I can’t see anyone ever out bad-sex-scening Morrissey. ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2015, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-is-the-worst-contemporary-fiction-writer/734849/4 "2015-10-16T22:59:15Z")
> [@Tithonus](#): > > I reckon they’re gonna have to retire that award now. I can’t see anyone ever out bad-sex-scening Morrissey. Somewhere, Barney Stinson is shouting, “Challenge accepted!” ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2015, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-is-the-worst-contemporary-fiction-writer/734849/5 "2015-10-16T23:44:41Z")
To my mind, the real noteworthy question would be, who is the best-selling really bad writer? Ordinary bad writers? You can find tons of 'em self-publishing on Amazon, or at the various sharing boards. Go to Reddit and you can find some of the worst prose imaginable. But when you get million-copy sellers like R.A. Salvatore and John Jakes – who can’t write for puke! – that’s astonishing. ---
**Author:** ![Maserschmidt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/maserschmidt/32/18829_2.png) [@Maserschmidt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maserschmidt)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2015, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-is-the-worst-contemporary-fiction-writer/734849/6 "2015-10-16T23:50:01Z")
> [@Trinopus](#): > > To my mind, the real noteworthy question would be, who is the best-selling really bad writer? > > Ordinary bad writers? You can find tons of 'em self-publishing on Amazon, or at the various sharing boards. Go to Reddit and you can find some of the worst prose imaginable. > > But when you get million-copy sellers like R.A. Salvatore and John Jakes – who can’t write for puke! – that’s astonishing. I’ve read this repeatedly, but can’t see where you said ‘Brad Thor’. ---
**Author:** ![Sunny\_Daze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunny_daze/32/438_2.png) [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2015, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-is-the-worst-contemporary-fiction-writer/734849/7 "2015-10-16T23:55:53Z")
I nominate James Patterson for best-selling terrible writer. ---
**Author:** ![fachverwirrt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/94ad74/32.png) [@fachverwirrt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fachverwirrt)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2015, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-is-the-worst-contemporary-fiction-writer/734849/8 "2015-10-17T00:22:50Z")
> [@ddsun](#): > > I nominate James Patterson for best-selling terrible writer. Don’t you actually have to write in order to be a terrible writer? ---
**Author:** ![magnusblitz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@magnusblitz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magnusblitz)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2015, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-is-the-worst-contemporary-fiction-writer/734849/9 "2015-10-17T00:45:14Z")
Dan Brown came up with some cool/interesting themes, but his actual prose is god-awful. He seemed to just throw in terms at random without knowing what they meant. For example: > [@](#): > > Only fifteen feet away, outside the sealed gate, the mountainous silhouette of his attacker stared through the iron bars. He was broad and tall, with ghost-pale skin and thinning white hair. His irises were pink with dark red pupils. If the guy is in silhouette, how the hell can the guy see the color of his skin, hair and eyes? Or stuff that was just plain incorrect: > [@](#): > > Bernini’s Fountain of the Four Rivers glorified the four major rivers of the Old World - The Nile, Ganges, Danube, and Rio Plata. The Rio de la Plata, located in the Old World region of… South America? ---
**Author:** ![Memnon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f1d935/32.png) [@Memnon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Memnon)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2015, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-is-the-worst-contemporary-fiction-writer/734849/10 "2015-10-17T00:52:59Z")
And how can a silhouette stare? ---
**Author:** ![Baron\_Greenback](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/baron_greenback/32/48_2.png) [@Baron\_Greenback](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baron_Greenback)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2015, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-is-the-worst-contemporary-fiction-writer/734849/11 "2015-10-17T01:13:09Z")
[Dan Brown’s 20 worst sentences](http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/books/booknews/6194031/The-Lost-Symbol-and-The-Da-Vinci-Code-author-Dan-Browns-20-worst-sentences.html) > [@](#): > > 1. The Da Vinci Code, chapter 32: The vehicle was easily the smallest car Langdon had ever seen. “SmartCar,” she said. “A hundred kilometers to the liter.” > > _Pro tip: when fleeing from the police, take a moment to boast about your getaway vehicle’s fuel efficiency_ ---
**Author:** ![Deeg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/deeg/32/2955_2.png) [@Deeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Deeg)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2015, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-is-the-worst-contemporary-fiction-writer/734849/12 "2015-10-17T04:38:37Z")
I might suggest the author of _50 Shades_ but I think that a little unfair. She wrote fan-fic that ended up getting published. Others don’t have a problem trashing her, though. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2015, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-is-the-worst-contemporary-fiction-writer/734849/13 "2015-10-17T13:45:49Z")
Does it have to be a SDMB member, or can we nominate anyone? ---
**Author:** ![Catamount](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/catamount/32/2840_2.png) [@Catamount](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catamount)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2015, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-is-the-worst-contemporary-fiction-writer/734849/14 "2015-10-17T14:11:13Z")
> [@Tithonus](#): > > I reckon they’re gonna have to retire that award now. I can’t see anyone ever out bad-sex-scening Morrissey. You’ve not read [Heroes and Villains](https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/153987328), have you? ---
**Author:** ![eclectic\_wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac91a4/32.png) [@eclectic\_wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eclectic_wench)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2015, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-is-the-worst-contemporary-fiction-writer/734849/15 "2015-10-17T14:30:08Z")
> [@Tithonus](#): > > To give you a rough idea of how bad it is, the Daily Telegraph put together a little list of the 10 worst lines, [here](http://www.telegraph.co.uk/books/authors/morrissey-list-of-the-lost-best-lines/). Oh God. Oh my God. That list. I had read the ‘bulbous salutation’ line quoted somewhere, but I thought that was the book’s pinnacle of flamboyant badness (actually, I thought it was probably the English language’s pinnacle of badness) and the rest of it presumably sucked but in a pedestrian way. I never dreamed that MORE OF IT could be JUST AS BAD. I can’t…I mean, I came into this thread with ideas in my head. Books that I was considering. And now that list has just blown everything else away. My God. It’s like the nuclear bomb of literary Dunning-Krugerdom. ---
**Author:** ![Flyer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/flyer/32/7298_2.png) [@Flyer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flyer)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2015, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-is-the-worst-contemporary-fiction-writer/734849/16 "2015-10-17T15:04:37Z")
> [@magnusblitz](#): > > Dan Brown came up with some cool/interesting themes, but his actual prose is god-awful. He seemed to just throw in terms at random without knowing what they meant. For example: > > If the guy is in silhouette, how the hell can the guy see the color of his skin, hair and eyes? > > Or stuff that was just plain incorrect: > > The Rio de la Plata, located in the Old World region of… South America? Anybody who expects Dan Brown to be factually accurate is sort of missing the point. His books require at least as much suspension of belief as any movie ever made. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2015, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-is-the-worst-contemporary-fiction-writer/734849/17 "2015-10-17T18:25:11Z")
Secrets of the Da Vinci Code is a much better book than The Da Vinci Code. My award for worst writer is a tie between Patricia Cornwall and Sue Grafton, though Sue gets the edge. Can she even write a coherent sentence? ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2015, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-is-the-worst-contemporary-fiction-writer/734849/18 "2015-10-17T18:28:39Z")
> [@Deeg](#): > > I might suggest the author of _50 Shades_ but I think that a little unfair. She wrote fan-fic that ended up getting published. Others don’t have a problem trashing her, though. Hell, the woman she was fanfic-ing, Stephenie Meyer, would get my vote. ---
**Author:** ![Oswald\_Bastable](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/oswald_bastable/32/214_2.png) [@Oswald\_Bastable](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oswald_Bastable)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2015, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-is-the-worst-contemporary-fiction-writer/734849/19 "2015-10-17T19:12:05Z")
Reads to me like Mozza has been a little too liberal with his use of the thesaurus. It really does read like he wrote a perfectly ordinary sentence and then pressed some sort of auto-synonymiser to try and make it all a ‘bit’ more flowery. Most fiction writers grow out of this with experience, most not being unlucky enough to have their first efforts published… OB ---
**Author:** ![Sr\_Siete](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6de8d8/32.png) [@Sr\_Siete](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sr_Siete)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2015, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-is-the-worst-contemporary-fiction-writer/734849/20 "2015-10-17T20:30:43Z")
A year or so back I watched a movie based on a Dean Koontz novel. By the way, Odd Thomas is a very underrated light horror flick. I recommend it. So, I remembered reading a couple Koontz paperbacks back when I was a teenager. Something about a cop chasing a voodoo killer and something else about a freakshow. I remembered being somewhat annoyed at the books and never reading anything by him again. But not exactly the specific reasons why. So I went and downloaded the second Odd Thomas novel. It was- Well- it was quite an experience. Imagine grampa Simpson trying to write an horror book. It basically consisted of a couple of paragraphs describing an action by the aforementioned Thomas, and then two pages of old geezer rantings. _“Odd Thomas went inside the abandoned casino. Nobody saw him enter. But if somebody had, they wouldn’t have stopped him, since his conservative hairstyle and clothes allowed him to pass for somebody doing an inspection. Not like kids today, with their piercings and tatoos and be-bop music, who should absolutely keep off the lawn of hard working writers”_ Again, and again and again. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-is-the-worst-contemporary-fiction-writer/734849.md?page=2)