# who vs YOU **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 27, 2009, 7:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-vs-you/487634 "2009-02-27T07:52:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Enola\_Straight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dec6dc/32.png) [@Enola\_Straight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Straight)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 7:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-vs-you/487634/1 "2009-02-27T07:52:03Z")
we’ve had our share of “Enterprise vs ISDs” and “Batman…if he’s prepared” threads, but which characters could you yourself take in a scrap? I’m certain I could take Norman Bates on the street (not so sure if I’m naked in the shower ;)). Cujo is one dead mutt. The Cemetery Zombie from Night of the Living Dead…piece of cake. The Boris Karloff Mummy? Can you say “Zippo”? How 'bout you? ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-vs-you/487634/2 "2009-02-27T15:16:48Z")
You know all those movies where the audience keeps yelling “why don’t you just SHOOT him!” I could totally shoot him. ---
**Author:** ![Levolor\_the\_Blind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bc8723/32.png) [@Levolor\_the\_Blind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Levolor_the_Blind)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-vs-you/487634/3 "2009-02-27T18:50:23Z")
In their prime, Keith, John, and Roger would totally kick my ass. Pete, I’m not so sure about. If he had a guitar in his hand he’d smack me right off the stage, but otherwise he was a little pipe-cleaner of a guy. ---
**Author:** ![johnspartan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a183cd/32.png) [@johnspartan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnspartan)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-vs-you/487634/4 "2009-02-27T19:28:22Z")
I’m pretty sure I could take Marvin the Paranoid Android from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. ---
**Author:** ![Laughing\_Lagomorph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Laughing\_Lagomorph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Laughing_Lagomorph)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-vs-you/487634/5 "2009-02-27T19:43:18Z")
I’m pretty sure I could take the little possesed voodoo doll from the cult fave \*Trilogy of Terror \*as long as I could see it coming (like I wasn’t asleep or something) or otherwise incapacitated (injured or whatever). Also the possesed Krusty the Clown doll that was trying to kill Homer, and Mini-Me from the Austin Powers films. And the two shrunken evil scientists from _Inner Space_. ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-vs-you/487634/6 "2009-02-27T20:19:04Z")
I lose. Doesn’t matter who’s after me, I curl up in a ball and cry for my mommy. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Superhero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@The\_Superhero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Superhero)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2009, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-vs-you/487634/7 "2009-02-27T23:55:20Z")
I could totally kick some Smurf ass. I never understood how Gargamel managed to fail to capture them every single time. ---
**Author:** ![bobkitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c67d28/32.png) [@bobkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobkitty)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2009, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-vs-you/487634/8 "2009-02-28T01:15:54Z")
Tippy H. et al were idiots- I totally could’ve taken on those seagulls. Grab one of them by the legs, and use it to beat the crap out of the others. The sparrows may have been a bit more difficult, but that’s what they make flamethrowers for. ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2009, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-vs-you/487634/9 "2009-02-28T01:28:03Z")
If you mean literally **Doctor** Who vs. me, and assuming I was evil, then… I dunno. Certainly putting a bullet through his head just to prove someone could do it would be great. But on the other hand there are two things: first, “who” would save the Earth from the scores of menaces that would have wiped us out a hundred times over without the Doctor? And I’m convinced that the Doctor has the Jedi Mind Trick, or Bugs Bunny’s ability to fast talk anyone for at least a minute or so. Somehow no one can ever actually pull the trigger until he’s sabotaged the doomsday machine and fled down the corridor. \ Even granted regenerations, there’s a reason he’s lived for over nine hundred years. Ok, so the Doctor-no. As for anyone else: hand-to-hand combat, forget it. If I had a baseball bat and they didn’t, sure. Handgun, sure, provided that I can get a clean shot and they’re vulnerable to bullets. So let’s see… **They’re Toast:** Zap Brannigan, Duck Dodgers **Easy, unless they got lucky:** zombie, Beavis and Butthead, Animal Rights protester **Somewhat challenging:** Attack dog, teen punk \*\*Even or Tough Fight: \*\* Average Caribbean pirate, Killer Klown **I’d have to Be Prepared, and then ambush them or get lucky:** Federal agent, Mafia hitman, Cylon Centurion, Jason Vorhees, standard vampire **I’m Toast:** Jack Bauer, James Bond, Jason Bourne, ninja assassin, the Punisher, Batman **I’m a red smear on the ground:** Terminator, Robocop, Xenomorph Alien, Wolverine ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2009, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-vs-you/487634/10 "2009-02-28T01:32:41Z")
Chuck Norris fears me. 'Nuff said. ---
**Author:** ![blondebear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blondebear/32/1022_2.png) [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2009, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-vs-you/487634/11 "2009-02-28T04:30:35Z")
> [@Levolor\_the\_Blind](#): > > In their prime, Keith, John, and Roger would totally kick my ass. Pete, I’m not so sure about. If he had a guitar in his hand he’d smack me right off the stage, but otherwise he was a little pipe-cleaner of a guy. As long as we’re fighting rock stars, I could take Jimmy Page any day of the week. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2009, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-vs-you/487634/12 "2009-02-28T04:35:48Z")
I have an old Taurus with nearly 150,000 miles on it. I know '58 Plymouths (they are ALL possessed by demons). I could irk Christine into a race and last FAR longer than her before I ran out of gas or my engine exploded. ---
**Author:** ![Laughing\_Lagomorph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Laughing\_Lagomorph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Laughing_Lagomorph)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2009, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-vs-you/487634/13 "2009-02-28T13:06:37Z")
Oh! I’m pretty sure I could best Vizzini from \*The Princess Bride \*in a battle of wits. ---
**Author:** ![RikWriter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/49beb7/32.png) [@RikWriter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RikWriter)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2009, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-vs-you/487634/14 "2009-02-28T13:23:45Z")
I could take out Anton Chigurh. ---
**Author:** ![Idlewild](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8491ac/32.png) [@Idlewild](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idlewild)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2009, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-vs-you/487634/15 "2009-02-28T13:43:19Z")
I could probably take Elizabeth Bennet, but then Mr. Darcy would pull some strings and have me assassinated, so that’s right out. Anyone tougher than a Regency heroine and I’m probably for it. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2009, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-vs-you/487634/16 "2009-02-28T16:41:06Z")
I could take Hannibal Lecter, largely because he counts on other persons either underestimating him or being outwitted. I’m going to assume that he’s planning something nefarious and brutal. If I’m a cop taking him into custody, I’m not just handcuffing him; I’m handcufffing him, breaking all his fingers, putting a hockey mask on him, and letting him know that even SPEAKING leads to his being shot in both knees. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2009, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-vs-you/487634/17 "2009-02-28T16:43:07Z")
> [@The\_Superhero](#): > > I could totally kick some Smurf ass. I never understood how Gargamel managed to fail to capture them every single time. Oh, he had conflicts of interest. He wanted them either to eat or to turn into gold. For the former they had to be fresh, so there was always a gap between the capture and the oven. For the latter they had to be alive, so there was always a gap between the capture and the cauldron. God is in the gaps. ---
**Author:** ![Rapier42](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/90db22/32.png) [@Rapier42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rapier42)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2009, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-vs-you/487634/18 "2009-02-28T23:59:27Z")
I could take the Man in Black. I’ll even use my left hand. ---
**Author:** ![Rapier42](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/90db22/32.png) [@Rapier42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rapier42)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2009, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-vs-you/487634/19 "2009-03-01T00:05:34Z")
And Neo only _thinks_ he could beat me. ---
**Author:** ![mbh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@mbh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbh)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2009, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-vs-you/487634/20 "2009-03-01T00:14:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\*Laughing Lagomorph \*\* > Oh! I’m pretty sure I could best Vizzini from The Princess Bride in a battle of wits. I could easily kill Vizzini. Of course, the princess would be dead, too, but since she was not **my** True Love, I would probably get over it.