# Who wants to be the Dungeon Master? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 17, 2005, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657 "2005-06-17T05:09:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 15
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/281 "2005-06-24T15:25:56Z")
All the grues in THIS dungeon have sunglasses. . . So, a long polearm glaive which you assemble in time to ascend the tight, steep spiral staircase? Good idea! You’re taking up the rear. Ah, yes, you’ve worked it out. You all start climbing the stairs, one at a time-- they’re very narrow and thay are worn along the middles, as if they have been climbed like this for aeons. Or eons. . . ieo. . . whatever. About 100 stairs up you begin to hear faint noises up above. The smoke from the road flare is rising up the stairs before you. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/282 "2005-06-24T15:29:37Z")
Who’s in front? Scott, I assume? Or howabout Hillbilly Queen, the absent instigator? ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/283 "2005-06-24T15:33:43Z")
Um, wha…? I pause, in order to hear better. Come to think of it, I cover the light, as best I can, too. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/284 "2005-06-24T15:45:18Z")
(Sorry, guys. Mom says I gotta go to piano practice and then AYSO soccer and then Weebelos. I’ll be back in a few hours (must write. Someone else can take over for a while. Dammit.)) ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/285 "2005-06-24T15:48:38Z")
> [@capybara](#): > > Weebelos.) 😃 I was one of them. I quit before I got to the Boy Scout. They really do, too. ---
**Author:** ![Batsinma\_Belfry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea5d25/32.png) [@Batsinma\_Belfry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Batsinma_Belfry)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/286 "2005-06-24T16:23:59Z")
> [@capybara](#): > > Who’s in front? Scott, I assume? Or howabout Hillbilly Queen, the absent instigator? I’m in the middle. Because, you know, that’s the most dangerous place to be. Whatever meanie we come across, will be startled by the first couple of guys, then attack the one in the middle. _“Yuh-Huh, it does to make since. I read it somewhere.”_ ---
**Author:** ![the4thmooncat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce7236/32.png) [@the4thmooncat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the4thmooncat)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/287 "2005-06-24T17:01:26Z")
Reminder: I’m in the back of the group, still scaring snakes. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/288 "2005-06-24T17:09:47Z")
> [@the4thmooncat](#): > > Reminder: I’m in the back of the group, still scaring snakes. …and I’m still looting the dead thief’s corpse, like any good cleric would. ---
**Author:** ![the4thmooncat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce7236/32.png) [@the4thmooncat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the4thmooncat)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/289 "2005-06-24T17:11:58Z")
~waves flaming sword at snakes~ Boo. ~snakes run like hell~ I’m bloody bored. Can we go kill something now? ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/290 "2005-06-24T17:16:53Z")
I’m near the end of the group, heading up the stairs, still muttering about ‘nobody wanted to explore the doors that _I_ pointed out… just because _he_ opened a door I mssed…’ ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/291 "2005-06-24T17:18:18Z")
Well, we can either topple the organization that created the Weebelos (They really do!) or we can pick a new DM. (I call not it.) Otherwise, we have to hit alert when updated, and wait for capybara to come back from his day’s activities. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/292 "2005-06-24T18:02:02Z")
As you near the top of the stairs, you hear low, grunting voices, in a non-human tongue-- it sounds like there more than one. You also hear the roll of dice. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/293 "2005-06-24T18:03:47Z")
Looting the thief’s corpse Hal finds a folded-up switchblade, a credit card, an aloha shirt, and 14 poker chips. ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/294 "2005-06-24T18:05:51Z")
Hmm, I have a babelfish in my ear, so I take a few more steps up, and listen harder. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/295 "2005-06-24T18:08:49Z")
I shoulder the useful polearm and keep it in place with one hand while I ready the Anachronistic Pistol Bow with the other, and edge my way forward to where I can see the subhuman grunters. If they look dangerous, I’ll loose off the nitrous round and then scamper back behind **Scott** so he can take the Sword of Pixelious to them, and then I can do something very brave with the polearm, beginning with snapping the remaining 2’ section back into place… Patting **Scott** on the shoulder on the way past, I stick a note to his back saying “Critical Me”. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/296 "2005-06-24T18:12:30Z")
“No, it’s HIS turn! Counterclockwise!” “That’s what I said!” “No no no stop it.” “Hand them over.” “Okay okay.” Dice roll. You can’t tell what language this is, however. ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/297 "2005-06-24T18:15:40Z")
They don’t sound hostile, :dubious: so I continue up the stairs, but this time, I am looking a little less like a sword welding paranoid, and a little more like a perfectly ordinary person hold protection. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/298 "2005-06-24T18:16:58Z")
Malacandra-- peeking around the corner you see 5 figures at a card table-- they are short, greenish, stubby, and ugly. They are wearing bright orange robes. They are playing what looks something like parcheesi. You let loose with the NO2 round-- they hear the clatter and look momentarily surprised. Then they look very giggly and pleased and snickering, they turn around to look at you. They are giggling hysterically and they are going to kick your ass. Scott-- one of them says “This feels like. . . college. Let’s kick that one’s ass, hee hee!” ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/299 "2005-06-24T18:18:58Z")
Too late-- malacandra’s notion of dangerous didn’t jibe will with yours. The five shaolin goblins pull out light sabers and get into formation, giggling. ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/300 "2005-06-24T18:21:19Z")
So, they want to play, do they? ::Grins:: I hope backwards, into the stairway, and try my best to play “Whathisname-defending-the bridge” I attempt to chyop off limbs, rather then fight fair. Role for success. I also ask for Malacandra to fire over my sholder. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657.md?page=14) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657.md?page=16)