# Who wants to be the Dungeon Master? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 17, 2005, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657 "2005-06-17T05:09:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 16
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/301 "2005-06-24T18:24:52Z")
> [@capybara](#): > > Looting the thief’s corpse Hal finds a folded-up switchblade, a credit card, an aloha shirt, and 14 poker chips. I pocket it all and then head up the staircase, mace drawn, ready to crack a few kneecaps (I find that a better target than the skull, at least to start). ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/302 "2005-06-24T18:26:35Z")
They’re all, like, whizzing through the air in somersaults and bouncing off the walls and stuff-- your sword never seems to connect. One of the stops on top of the card table and inscribes a little tyin-yang on his left palm with a brush from this right hand. He point his palm at . . . (rolls) Sunspace, and yells "Poi yo po lo mi! Sunspace is suddenly frozen! ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/303 "2005-06-24T18:39:01Z")
stairs) I want to point out that my sword, won in my campaign against [the danish prince](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=6047513&postcount=42) , is technolgy baised, and I am acctually a giant purple alien maurauder. > [@Hamlet](#): > > Originally Posted by Scott\_plaid > “That could be. It could also be that the witch hunters of Salem, Mass. where it is possible they were really killing real witches.” > > It is also possible you are a purple alien maurauder, destined to wield the sword of Pixelius to save the entirety of the galaxy from the grip of Deathmachine. I now shed my human disguish, and try to kill a few of the pests. I also ask them why they are so interested in kicking our asses, and why this is just like college again. I rule for success, again. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/304 "2005-06-24T18:41:49Z")
\>Bing!\< :: Idea! :: :: Slings mace on hip, pulls out poker chips, runs up stairs :: “What the hell is all this hoopla about? I heard this is the place to go for a little gamblin’ action!” ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/305 "2005-06-24T18:44:33Z")
I let Hal pass, since he has a Hal pass. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/306 "2005-06-24T18:48:06Z")
:: **Sunspace** , frozen, is still able to perceive what’s going on. He can’t, however, do anything about it. Assorted blows and missiles that pass near him are making him nervous. :: ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/307 "2005-06-24T19:02:51Z")
All of you have entered the room, are, like the monks, now giggling hysterically, after the blast from the nitrous-laden crossbow. THAT’S why it’s like college. Also, now that you have entered the room, you see four pallid human figures dressed in white robes standing motionless against the wall. Affixed to each of their foreheads, coving much of their faces, is a white slip of paper with some markings on it. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/308 "2005-06-24T19:10:24Z")
The gas is starting to dissipate, and the monks are calming down. They all stop in parry-poses and look at you. One says to Hal (although only scott can understand), “Poker chips? Do you play?” ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/309 "2005-06-24T19:12:33Z")
I walk slowly up to a monk, and tell Hal what they said. If I can get close enough without being attacked, I will read the paper. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/310 "2005-06-24T19:16:10Z")
Silly, babelfish can’t read. The monk asks if you guys want to play a game. Any game of your choice, as long as yer gamblin’ types. ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/311 "2005-06-24T19:17:58Z")
> [@capybara](#): > > Silly, babelfish can’t read. So, it isn’t in english, or alien marauder? Well then, first I tell the monks “First, please tell me what the papers on your foreheads mean.” ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/312 "2005-06-24T19:22:34Z")
The papers aren’t on the monk’s heads; they’re on the heads of the motionless humans standing along the wall. The monks only tell you that they’re a prayer of some kind or another, really, no big deal. ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/313 "2005-06-24T19:26:06Z")
I don’t believe a word they are saying. Any lantguage experts here? I voluntear that the theif (I call him by name, not “the theif” know how to play (whatever game the theif knows how to play) quite well. I motion to the others to look around, while the theif has them distracted. Hopefully, they will listen to me. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/314 "2005-06-24T19:27:17Z")
> [@capybara](#): > > The monk asks if you guys want to play a game. Any game of your choice, as long as yer gamblin’ types. My choice? Liar’s dice, it is! ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/315 "2005-06-24T19:28:57Z")
Pachinko! ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/316 "2005-06-24T19:30:32Z")
Okay. Having overheard what **Scott** said to **Hal** , I will gather all the monks around me and start to explain the rules for Fizzbin. I’ll also unship another nitrous round, unscrew the point, and offer it around, saying “More giggle juice, anyone?”. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/317 "2005-06-24T19:30:52Z")
Agreed! We will play this “liar’s dice” you speak of. You must teach us. But for the wagers! We will play to win your. . . poker chips and Klaus Nomi album. And you can play for these here vam. . . humans. Your fellow humans! Yes, you can dave these humans, and take them with you!" He gestures to the four figures dressed in white, with the paper slips. Unfortunately, none of your samurai wanna-be players can read Chinese, either. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/318 "2005-06-24T19:33:37Z")
Okay. Liar dice it is. I hold up four dice in my hand and exclaim “There are _five_ dice!”. ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/319 "2005-06-24T19:53:32Z")
Figures, in white, with [del]wards[/del] pieces of paper on their heads. They can only be [del]Nosferatu[/del] humans. I pull out the [Book of All Knowledge](http://www.straightdope.com/columns/index.html) and show my party members this section: [http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1\_039.html](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_039.html) Um, where is the part on asian vamps? ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2005, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/320 "2005-06-24T20:03:23Z")
They nod gravely at Malacandra, in apparent understanding. Perhaps this is a mode of thought familar to them. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657.md?page=15) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657.md?page=17)