# Who wants to be the Dungeon Master? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 17, 2005, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657 "2005-06-17T05:09:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 19
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2005, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/361 "2005-06-26T03:19:44Z")
Ok, so the vampire’s pantsed: this is a bit horrifying, it turns out, as his arms aren’t the only. . . well. You know. Tea-towel rack. Fortunately his robes are long enough to conceal most of this. He isn’t modest, though. He seems to be speeding up. My, what large teeth he has. ---
**Author:** ![Batsinma\_Belfry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea5d25/32.png) [@Batsinma\_Belfry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Batsinma_Belfry)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2005, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/362 "2005-06-26T03:31:06Z")
Do I get to use my ‘Scepter of Many Sharp Pointy Things’ yet? ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2005, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/363 "2005-06-26T03:50:08Z")
The vampire stops hopping for a moment, smiles, broadly, and dusts himself off and shakes out his arms and legs, limbering up. “I vas chust kiddink,” he says, and runs up the wall and jumps away from it, flipping twice in the air, flying about 10 feet further than you think is realistic, and landing on his feet in a badass kung fu stance. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2005, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/364 "2005-06-26T04:40:20Z")
Oh, crap. :: **Sunspace** sneezes garlic, the remains of dinner :: ---
**Author:** ![Batsinma\_Belfry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea5d25/32.png) [@Batsinma\_Belfry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Batsinma_Belfry)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2005, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/365 "2005-06-26T04:49:10Z")
I set the dial on my scepter to sharp pointy thing No. 23, stake. And to keep the vampire occupied while I get close enough to impale him, I set the light on my crown to “bright sunny day”, and aim it at his head. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2005, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/366 "2005-06-26T13:10:20Z")
Eep! :: Turns Undead :: Errr…not in the “turns into an undead creature” sense… ---
**Author:** ![the4thmooncat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce7236/32.png) [@the4thmooncat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the4thmooncat)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2005, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/367 "2005-06-26T15:08:58Z")
So… are we trying to kill him? It? That? Whatever-gender? ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2005, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/368 "2005-06-26T20:24:56Z")
I take a deep breath, hop to the side,(So that I am not where I was then I took my breath) and try to lop off their limbs. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2005, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/369 "2005-06-26T22:44:10Z")
Ah, I’m glad everyone’s been instructed to hold their breath. Letting rip with the white phosphorus load, which should give chummy over there (and I don’t mean **Scott** unless the dice are particularly cruel to us) a nice dose of burning to worry about, plus a faceful of pungent smoke. You would turn white as snow if you knew what the alchemists’ guild charges for these babies… Wasn’t there a vorpal-blade artist about the place somewhere? Beheading works quite nicely on most vampires. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2005, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/370 "2005-06-26T22:53:24Z")
To heck with this. The Sun is Fusion-powered, & lethal to Vampires, this Powered Armor & Plama Flamethrower is Fusion powered…\< **Bosda** lets her rip\>…Ah! I love the smell of superheated nuclear plasma in the Dungeon! It smells like…well, kindergarten tempra paint, really, but that’s not inspiring… ---
**Author:** ![the4thmooncat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce7236/32.png) [@the4thmooncat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the4thmooncat)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2005, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/371 "2005-06-27T00:25:11Z")
\>OOC\>Meh. I get back and all the fun’s over.\ ~beheads the remnants~ ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2005, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/372 "2005-06-29T22:07:55Z")
Um… Ok. Well, I will be away this evening, but for what it is worth, I search for valuables, divy up what I find among the party. (yes, I can do that, since I was the one to think of it first). Unless there are any unexpected surprises in the loot, I head back downstairs, back to the door I just opened. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2005, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/373 "2005-06-30T01:18:17Z")
Undead thread of the damned! Sorry, been busy. From the glare of Bosda’s power-armor the vampires turn to dust, leaving only Qing-era imperial robes. It smells like tempera paint in here. And it tastes like library paste. Aside from the robes there doesn’t seem much to divvy up. Looking around more carefully you only notice that the monks in their hurry did leave a gentleman’s club and a. . . nice-looking backpack. You head downstairs to the corridor beyond the door. It’s a long corridor, IIRC, and turns left up ahead. ---
**Author:** ![the4thmooncat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce7236/32.png) [@the4thmooncat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the4thmooncat)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2005, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/374 "2005-06-30T01:58:22Z")
I take the backpack, and examine its contents carefully. ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2005, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/375 "2005-06-30T02:09:44Z")
I Turn left. Moon cat, please share. ---
**Author:** ![the4thmooncat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce7236/32.png) [@the4thmooncat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the4thmooncat)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2005, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/376 "2005-06-30T03:07:14Z")
I shall once I know what the contents are. ~pokes capybara~ [sub]\ **Scott Plaid** , sent you an email\[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2005, 10:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/377 "2005-06-30T10:04:39Z")
They left a gentleman’s club? I’ll see if the doorman will let me in, muttering something about an emergency committee meeting. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2005, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/378 "2005-06-30T13:52:59Z")
The backpack is empty but looks roomy. Malacandra-- are you male or female? Girls can’t use the gentlemen’s club. Wait, I think we allready went through this, and as I recall you’re definitely a girl. Ha. Ha ha. Just baiting. What’s wrong with being a girl? Ok, you wield the Gentlemen’s Club. Scott walks down the hallway. . . and halfway down the corridor towards the turn. . capybara stops to get a cup of coffee as she’s barely awake. . . ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2005, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/379 "2005-06-30T14:01:51Z")
I turn back, hoping to see if I can get some coffee from anyone else in the party. I could really use some, too. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2005, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/380 "2005-06-30T14:12:06Z")
> [@Scott Plaid](#): > > I turn back, hoping to see if I can get some coffee from anyone else in the party. I could really use some, too. _runs through, drops off a thermos of coffee_ Here you go! It’s made just the way \*\*ScottPlaid \*\* likes it. _exits stage right_ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657.md?page=18) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657.md?page=20)