# Who wants to be the Dungeon Master? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 17, 2005, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657 "2005-06-17T05:09:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 22
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2005, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/421 "2005-06-30T21:31:24Z")
I take one stance, then, when he gets closer, I drop to a lower stance, and try to get him to impale his stomach on my sword. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2005, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/422 "2005-06-30T21:39:19Z")
Are you sure!? It’s too imprecise! the thing is coming at you weaving back and forth, like, jiggling like, like a bowl full of jelly! ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2005, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/423 "2005-06-30T21:41:02Z")
Yes, I am sure. As long as I thrust alittle, it can’t be that hard. After all, if it is jiggling as much as the legends say, he cant be wearing any armor under that thing. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2005, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/424 "2005-06-30T21:58:41Z")
Ok, Scott and Hal are taking on Santa, head-on. Scott, I know your plan. Hal-- anything special or just bashing away? ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2005, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/425 "2005-06-30T22:14:03Z")
First things first…I take a grab at his beard. If it comes off, then we know we’re dealing with a powerless imposter. Then, it’s whomping time! ---
**Author:** ![Pythian\_Habenero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a6a055/32.png) [@Pythian\_Habenero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pythian_Habenero)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2005, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/426 "2005-06-30T22:29:33Z")
It appears I’ve been enticed into this thread by **Scott Plaid**. But I haven’t read it yet (though I shall do that now). Is there a rule against oracular vegetables here? Or do I just jump in and start sliming[sup]\*[/sup] industriously towards Claus? [sub][\*Habenero Slug. I’m an oracular Habenero Slug.](http://www.metalandmagic.com/modules.php?set_albumName=weirdfruit&id=habeneroslug&op=modload&name=gallery&file=index&include=view_photo.php) Yes, I know, it’s more than odd, but spend enough time wandering that gallery and you’ll get it.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2005, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/427 "2005-06-30T22:39:41Z")
like me. > [@Anaamika](#): > > oh what the hell > > \*\*Anaamika \*\* vaults in through a hitherto unnoticed window. She somersaults across the room, landing on her feet and drawing two tantos. > > “Hey, guys. What’s going on? Ooo! Dragon-guarded treasure!” > [@Scott Plaid](#): > > ::Real World Mode ON:: Wait, you can join in the middle of a game? I know I did it for Doperball, but I just sat on the bench and cheered. Hmmmm… > > No, I think I will just continue to lurk. 😃 > ::Real World Mode OFF:: > [@capybara](#): > > (This is NOT Doperball-- of course you can join in any time. Physics are different here. Git yer ass in here, boy! (or girl)) > [@Scott Plaid](#): > > Ummm… I am Scott, a boy. Hmmmm… [Or am I](http://www.egscomics.com/egsnp/d/20050618.html), in this game? > > Naw. > > Ok then. > ::Semi-real world mode ON:: > I brought-meat lover’s Pizza! > ::Semi-real world mode OFF:: > > I appear out of nowhere, in a small puff of smoke. > I am a Human warrior, moderate levels all around. I appear to have a shield, a claymore-type broadsword, and misc. pouches full of…stuff. > > "Where the hell am I now? The scroll was supost to take me where I was most needed. Seeing the chaos everywhere, I stretch my legs, trying to make sense of everything, and I wait. Basically, once we [del]save[/del] ruin christmas, start with the first page, and read untill here to figure out how to do things. P.S. Just so you know, I tossed you my old [claymore](http://www.armor.com/2000/catalog/item100.html) in the other thread. I am now wielding the Sword of Pixelius, as in my no-longer-used sig line. ---
**Author:** ![Pythian\_Habenero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a6a055/32.png) [@Pythian\_Habenero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pythian_Habenero)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2005, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/428 "2005-06-30T22:53:05Z")
Gotcha. All right, I guess I’ll appear now and catch up as I go. ::ahem:: I worm my way onto the scene, bright orange and cheerful. My antlers wave happily as I drag **Scott** ’s claymore (roughly ten times my current body size) behind me by means unknown (considering I’m a slug and don’t have hands). Now as to my character’s attributes - I’m a slug. I can see the future. I exude spicy slime, because I’m a Habenero Slug. This can probably be used for poison, and in fact I think I’m going to slime my way across my sword. If you pour salt on me I die, unless someone waters me or I can get the salt off some other way. My size is undefined, which means it tends to change when you aren’t looking, and sometimes when you are. Oh, and if there are any wombats around, I’ll get along well with them. Conversely, I’m not much for gods. Being a slug I also probably don’t do too well in the “getting hit by enemy weaponry and not dying” category. ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2005, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/429 "2005-06-30T22:57:10Z")
Oh, I was kinda hoping you were a person named after a slug. Well, can you cast spell via waving your antenas? Or perhaps you can [del]slime[/del] walk in front of santa, causing him to slip. Something, anything, just so long as we have bodies to loot. ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2005, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/430 "2005-06-30T23:01:03Z")
> [@me](#): > > I see a mysical vision of a jewel. It glows right green, then fades to a dull grey. Under it is the wysterious words “capybara is now off line” > > Weird! I wounder what that meant? > [@capybara](#): > > (Sorry, guys. Mom says I gotta go to piano practice and then AYSO soccer and then Weebelos. I’ll be back in a few hours (must write. Someone else can take over for a while. Dammit.)) Anyone else wanna try and be the Dm for a while? ---
**Author:** ![Pythian\_Habenero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a6a055/32.png) [@Pythian\_Habenero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pythian_Habenero)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2005, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/431 "2005-06-30T23:02:16Z")
> [@Scott Plaid](#): > > Oh, I was kinda hoping you were a person named after a slug. Well, can you cast spell via waving your antenas? Or perhaps you can [del]slime[/del] walk in front of santa, causing him to slip. Something, anything, just so long as we have bodies to loot. So far Unknown Means seems to be permitting me to wield a sword. While no-one’s looking I become the size of a small lion or a large dog, and I (somewhat shakily and with a bit of squishing and splooching) raise the now hot’n’spicy sword, ready for action. Who knows when that’ll happen, as we are for the moment DMless. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/432 "2005-07-01T01:31:58Z")
> [@Scott Plaid](#): > > Anyone else wanna try and be the Dm for a while? I would, but as mentioned in post #8, it’d only lead to heartbreak and gnashing of teeth. ---
**Author:** ![Pythian\_Habenero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a6a055/32.png) [@Pythian\_Habenero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pythian_Habenero)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/433 "2005-07-01T01:54:32Z")
> [@Hal Briston](#): > > I would, but as mentioned in post #8, it’d only lead to heartbreak and gnashing of teeth. I have no teeth and thus cannot gnash! DM away! ---
**Author:** ![the4thmooncat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce7236/32.png) [@the4thmooncat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the4thmooncat)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/434 "2005-07-01T03:16:18Z")
~to ‘Claus’~ You’re not Santa! If you were you’d know I never owned an angelfish! I’ve never even SEEN an angelfish! And since you’re not Santa… 1. You’re more of a liar than I am! And I DID see 'em! [sub]three years ago[/sub] 2. FRESH MEAT! ~pulls out both weapons and charges in~ ---
**Author:** ![Pythian\_Habenero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a6a055/32.png) [@Pythian\_Habenero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pythian_Habenero)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/435 "2005-07-01T03:22:09Z")
Suddenly I have a Vision Of The Future. Since I’m not a DM I don’t know what it is yet, but I hope it’s useful because it makes it slightly difficult to see anything else. Then again I don’t make much use of conventional sight, being a slug and all. I just kinda know where stuff is. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/436 "2005-07-01T03:54:12Z")
Oh, so much pressure! Sorry I had to go drink too much wine. It IS Thursday evening, after all. Under the close questioning and pulling of his beard, anta begins to transform. . . he sprouts wings and a tail and becomes a giant red and white floating clausacoatl. He hisses and spits acid toward you. So we have a bright orange cheerful slug with antlers? Welcome, Pythian the slug. Clausacoatl (full name: thirteen-tarsier jade obsidian mirror) looks at you affectionately. He starts hithping at your in parsil-tonge. Do you speak snake? (DM goes sleep-- sorry!) ---
**Author:** ![Pythian\_Habenero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a6a055/32.png) [@Pythian\_Habenero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pythian_Habenero)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/437 "2005-07-01T05:33:24Z")
> [@capybara](#): > > Oh, so much pressure! Sorry I had to go drink too much wine. It IS Thursday evening, after all. > Under the close questioning and pulling of his beard, anta begins to transform. . . he sprouts wings and a tail and becomes a giant red and white floating clausacoatl. He hisses and spits acid toward you. > > So we have a bright orange cheerful slug with antlers? Welcome, Pythian the slug. > Clausacoatl (full name: thirteen-tarsier jade obsidian mirror) looks at you affectionately. He starts hithping at your in parsil-tonge. Do you speak snake? > > (DM goes sleep-- sorry!) Antlers are what we call those stalks that our eyes are probably in. Yeah, I’ve got a passing acquaintance with the language. It’s odd what you pick up, being a slug. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/438 "2005-07-01T16:10:40Z")
He whips out a piece of rope with some obsidian hooks placed every few inches (done up in red, green and white for the season/theme) and asks, in Aztec-inflected parsil, if you’d like a tongue-bloodletting for Quetzlmas. He hovers malevolently. ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/439 "2005-07-01T16:18:59Z")
I see he is clear threat. I try to take out his weapon. After all, it’s just rope, right? :dubious: I make damn sure to keep a solid grip on my sword, in case _anything_ happens. ---
**Author:** ![Pythian\_Habenero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a6a055/32.png) [@Pythian\_Habenero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pythian_Habenero)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2005, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/440 "2005-07-01T16:35:29Z")
I reply that I’d rather a good slice of apple pie, if it’s all the same to him. And what did I see of the future? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657.md?page=21) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657.md?page=23)