# Who wants to be the Dungeon Master? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 17, 2005, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657 "2005-06-17T05:09:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/41 "2005-06-20T04:29:22Z")
“SCHH-napp!” goes the whip. “Ow! You bastard!” cries Hal, clutching at his eye socket. A torch goes skittering across the dungeon floor and lands near your feet. (Getting late on west coast; DM goes to get some Cheetos. . . Don’t look at the map, guys! I mean it!) ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 10:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/42 "2005-06-20T10:12:51Z")
> [@capybara](#): > > There is also a mostly-drunk bottle of brandy. **Malacandra** : I slap the bottle about to try to get it to sober up, and offer it a shot of my special pick-me-up from my hip-flask, while keeping half an eye on the shadows for any potential targets for my pistol crossbow. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/43 "2005-06-20T11:46:20Z")
OK, I’ve got my +3 vorpal at the ready. I’ve slid it in and out of it’s sheath several times, because I’m neurotic like that. You never know when it’s going to stick. I better try it it again. And now, too. Once more for good measure. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/44 "2005-06-20T12:10:07Z")
> [@BraheSilver](#): > > I’m too cowardly to get up close, can’t be trusted with edged weapons, and am a lousy shot with bows. > > ::takes out a whip and proceeds to try snapping out one of the torches:: > [@capybara](#): > > “SCHH-napp!” goes the whip. > “Ow! You bastard!” cries Hal, clutching at his eye socket. > A torch goes skittering across the dungeon floor and lands near your feet. > > (Getting late on west coast; DM goes to get some Cheetos. . . Don’t look at the map, guys! I mean it!) Toss me the idol, I’ll throw you the whip. 😃 Hey. One trap-filled Lost Temple is much like another… ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 12:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/45 "2005-06-20T12:13:15Z")
I inch nonchalantly away from the dangerous loonie with the vorpal sword. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/46 "2005-06-20T13:44:26Z")
DM returns rested with cheetos. The bottle of brandy stirs for a moment and says “Whuzz the big shuggah pizz muzzah I can still drive smuzzle weh. . .” and irritatedly shrugs your hand off its shoulder and rolls over, reeking. Its breath smells like. . . itself. Which way does the party head? ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/47 "2005-06-20T14:20:10Z")
I stow the bottle in my backpack, well wrapped up in sackcloth to muffle it as well as cushion it. A talking bottle should be worth money in the right quarter. I can’t remember what noise dripping makes, but if we’re heading that way, I’d better pull on the sharkskin overshoes, or I’ll be sliding all over the place. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/48 "2005-06-20T14:33:22Z")
The party heads north, Malacandra wearing sharkskin boots, toward the dripping noise. The boots sort of shimmer in the torch-light, like, you know, shifting colors and stuff. Like, they’re green AND pink, depending on where you looks from. They look totally hot. I mean, really swank. The rest of the party’s a bit jealous. After following the corridor a short distance you enter a smaller chamber. In the center of the chamber there is a metal sink. It looks like an octothorpe, really. Strange, that. There is an exit corridor to the east. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/49 "2005-06-20T14:57:22Z")
I blindly (well, half-blindly) stick my arm into the sink drain. Gotta be some good loot in there somewhere. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/50 "2005-06-20T15:02:52Z")
> [@Hal Briston](#): > > I blindly (well, half-blindly) stick my arm into the sink drain. Gotta be some good loot in there somewhere. I unroll a tourniquet in anticipation of the tragically obvious. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/51 "2005-06-20T15:22:44Z")
Carefully avoiding the on/off switch under the cabinet, Hal sticks his arm in up to the elbow and roots around. He smiles and pulls out a shiny ring! The ring itself seems to be made of a pliable blue material, while the rock set in it is a huge pink gem. It is slightly sticky and tastes like watermelon. Kick the sink (Y/N)? ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/52 "2005-06-20T15:36:34Z")
Ah-hah! Guys, I’ve figured this place out. It seems that the blitheringly stupid course of action is the correct one! I slide the ring on my finger while kicking the sink, all the while loudly calling question to the true sexual preference of a major demon (by his True Name, of course). ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/53 "2005-06-20T15:50:25Z")
As Hal slides the ring onto his finger he begins to float in the air! Really. . . fast. He cracks his head on the ceiling, but not before managing to tap the sink with his foot. Naturally (you guessed it), a water demon appears! “Foolish mortals! Why have you summoned me?! Ooh, nice boots.” ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/54 "2005-06-20T18:09:29Z")
Still workin’ my vorpal. here. Now, is it really a demon? Or an elemental? ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/55 "2005-06-20T19:30:25Z")
Daithi Latcha’s working his Vorpal, and the other party members think “eew.” They step away another couple of feet. Now that the steam has cleared a bit, you realize it’s not actually a demon OR an elemental. It appears to be a very large. . . Sea Monkey. Two feet tall! An Ancient Chromatic Sea Monkey. . . OF DOOM! He (?) has long fingers and is wearing a crown. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/56 "2005-06-20T19:33:42Z")
[Because of the air currents from the east hallway, Hal Briston is slowly blown to the west a bit, bouncing off the ceiling every few feet like a helium balloon. Not that you adventurers have ever seen one. A, um, phlogiston bladder.] [Faint cursing muttering noises are emitted from Malacandra’s backpack] ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/57 "2005-06-20T20:04:04Z")
I check the ceiling for secret doors. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/58 "2005-06-20T20:12:59Z")
[Rolls a die behind cupped hands] You, ehm, _find_ no _secret doors_. Cough cough. Only lichen. The King of the Sea Monkeys scrambles up onto the top of the sink and pulls a wand out of . . . his. . . um, gill. Or something. He’s waving his wand around and making burbling noises. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/59 "2005-06-20T20:23:08Z")
Ok then…since there are absolutely _no_ secret doors in the ceiling… I pull my 10’ pole out of my backpack\*\*\*\*\*, use it to push myself back down to floor level, and remove the ring. \*\*\*\*\*What? It’s right there on my character sheet! Hell, it’s right there on _everyone’s_ character sheet… ---
**Author:** ![BraheSilver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecccb3/32.png) [@BraheSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BraheSilver)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/60 "2005-06-20T20:53:50Z")
I try to whip the crown off the Sea Monkey. If I succeed, I want to put it on. I’ve always wanted to be royalty! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657.md?page=4)