# Who wants to be the Dungeon Master? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 17, 2005, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657 "2005-06-17T05:09:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/61 "2005-06-20T21:01:34Z")
Hal: You have a hard time getting the pole out of your backpack, with the 2 coils of 50 feet of rope, 10 weeks rations, 135,000 gold pieces, and Baba Yaga’s Hut that are also crammed in there, but you suceed. You push yourself to the floor, but you can’t remove the ring! It’s cursed. Perhaps you can keep using the pole, like a wacky-world gondoleer. Or someone can tie a string to your leg and pull you around? Brahe: [rolls die] Whoops! You miss the crown, but you do knock the wand out of the Sea Monkey’s hand, which again conveniently lands at your feet. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/62 "2005-06-20T21:08:47Z")
:: checks spell sheet :: Lesse…_Remove Disease_, _Remove Fear_, _Remove Paralysis_, _Remove Fatigue_, _Remove Poison_, _Remove Undergarments_,…ah! Here we go…_Remove Curse_. Yeah, I cast that on the ring. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/63 "2005-06-20T21:10:54Z")
> [@Hal Briston](#): > > :: checks spell sheet :: > > Lesse…_Remove Disease_, _Remove Fear_, _Remove Paralysis_, _Remove Fatigue_, _Remove Poison_, _Remove Undergarments_,…ah! Here we go…_Remove Curse_. Yeah, I cast that on the ring. So I guess you won’t need me cutting your ring finger off, then? ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/64 "2005-06-20T21:22:50Z")
You do manage to cast the spell-- your ring glows gently blue for a moment. Along the way, however, you are briefly disturbed by the sight of Daithi Lacha fondling the hilt of his Vorpal Blade in a suggestive manner while staring at your hands. It’s unnerving, and you mispronounce a word. Your BVDs disappear, and you feel a draft in the now-unfinished-basement regions. Malacandra, who is standing below you, glances up your tunic, gasps, and fumbles the tourniquet. The King of the Sea Monkeys makes a dash toward his wand. . . ---
**Author:** ![BraheSilver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecccb3/32.png) [@BraheSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BraheSilver)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/65 "2005-06-20T21:31:43Z")
I scoop up the wand and point it at yon Sea Monkey. Let’s see, what are the magic words for fish-people? “It’sh a trap!” ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/66 "2005-06-20T21:32:45Z")
Eep! Ok…I’m floating on the ceiling, covering my manhood with one hand, and holding a 10’ pole in the other hand (I’ll try not to confuse the two). Hmmm…use the 10’ pole to knock the wand towards one of the other party members, or whizz on the sea monkey’s head… Hmm…decisions, decisions…aha! I use my 10’ pole to try and knock the wand towards one of the other party members, while simultaneously whizzing on the sea monkey’s head. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2005, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/67 "2005-06-20T21:47:11Z")
Too many actions, Hal. You grab your “wand” and start waving it about-- your character sheet says ‘left-handed’! You start whizzing everywhere, like a firehose. You pee on the wand a bit, but luckily Brahe grabs the dry end. Brahe points it at King Ackbar of the Rebel Sea Monkeys and shouts. The wand shoots out a sputtering stream of sparks and glitter with a 'peeeeeeef" sound. The Sea Monkey is enveloped for a moment by smoke. When the smoke dissapates you see in the place where he stood a small, moist, spongy brick of some off-white substance, in a transparent wrapper that reads “Silken, extra-firm.” ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/68 "2005-06-21T03:55:34Z")
The block of tofu begins to shuffle toward you meanacingly. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/69 "2005-06-21T04:04:58Z")
So, the wand turned him into a tofu elemental? Hmmm…isn’t tofu kinda sticky? Maybe if I get him stuck to the bottom of my rather plain shoes, I’ll be able to stay somewhat on the ground again… ---
**Author:** ![Queen\_Bruin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Queen\_Bruin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Bruin)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/70 "2005-06-21T04:07:08Z")
I appear from the shadows, wielding a ginsu knife and a wok. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 8:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/71 "2005-06-21T08:07:17Z")
Ahhh-ooo! Killer Tofu! (Do I get a bonus experience award for the gratuitous _Doug_ reference?) Winding up the now-unnecessary tourniquet, I’ll drop a harpoon round into the pistol crossbow and see if I can snag Hal’s tunic and winch him down to ground level again. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 11:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/72 "2005-06-21T11:42:06Z")
I actually unlimber my sword and spear the tofu with the pointy tip. Hah! Take _that_, white blandness! ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/73 "2005-06-21T12:24:45Z")
I stand well clear of the mighty slayer of edible fungi, and carry on winching Hal groundwards, while recocking the pistol crossbow. I’m also checking that my hypo rounds are still safely in their clip. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/74 "2005-06-21T14:17:47Z")
(West coast DM rushes back into room with can of pringles and a beer) Hal, damn you, your ring’s no longer cursed. Meanwhile. Hal waves his feet feebly toward the tofu chunk to no avail. The Sausage Creature prepares to attack in the corner, as if he’d always been there. Malacandra loads up her not-period pistol crossbow: thirty-five SCA dweebs stand along the wall as a keening Greek chorus going “Nuh-uh! No way!” She spears Hal’s tunic, which is in danger of wardrobe malfunction, and begind to haul him to earth. The winch cries “Nae! Dinna go thea, yeh fook!” and drops a couple of pints of lager off her serving tray. Daithi Lacha gets a good hit on the tofu (given that it’s mostly inanimate). Critical hit! The vorpal blade severs its. . . something. It quivers and dies, making a squishy farting sound. 1/8 exp all around. Sausage Creature: do you want to prepare to cast a meal? ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/75 "2005-06-21T15:05:04Z")
(ooc- **Malacandra** is a dude, both in real life and in character here, pal.) I’ll stow a slab of raw tofu if the chef’s not going to stir-fry all of it. Waste not, want not. Also I’ll introduce the winch (was that a winch or a wench, or just a wind-lass?) to the brandy bottle, who seems to be a little unhappy at the moment, and I don’t want any projectile vomiting in my backpack, sackcloth or none. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/76 "2005-06-21T15:33:52Z")
(Thrown off by the terminating vowel. Don’t mean to impugn yer manhood) The Winch is delighted to meet the brandy and they go off to start the weekend together. You acquire a slab (2 doses) of Tofu of Telekenesis. Possible spelling errors excepted. There is a sink and an exit corridor to the east. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/77 "2005-06-21T15:49:34Z")
Errrr…am I still on the ceiling? ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/78 "2005-06-21T15:57:26Z")
Until you remove your ring, you are floating a few inches above Malacandra, I believe, who has harpooned your tunic. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/79 "2005-06-21T16:06:49Z")
Ahhh, ok then…I climb down the harpoon, set my feet just above Terra Firma, and remove the ring. This thing could prove hand later, so I’ll just keep it in my pocketses. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/80 "2005-06-21T16:19:52Z")
Hal is earthbound and looks relieved. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657.md?page=5)