# Who wants to be the Dungeon Master? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 17, 2005, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657 "2005-06-17T05:09:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/81 "2005-06-21T16:34:12Z")
I’m washing my blade in the sink. Hey, why doesn’t someone cast the spell, “Reveal **hillbilly queen** ,” seeing as how she was the instigator of this… ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/82 "2005-06-21T16:48:21Z")
Your blade rusts! Ha, not really. It’s stainless steel. The chorus of SCAers chimes in again. You have a clean sword, free of tofu-chunk. The Reveal Hillbilly Queen spell determines that the body of Hillbilly Queen remains encased in carbonite in the first chamber, as she seems to be taking a SBMB vacation. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/83 "2005-06-21T17:01:33Z")
**Sunspace** wakes up in a small galley cabin of the V—sorry. Wrong ficton. **Sunspace** wakes up in a small alcove. He is dressed unremarkably–T-shirt, jeans, hiking boots, jacket–and he is wearing a backpack, which seems to be fullly packed. He can hear conversation and noises. Chief among the noises is a sizzling and an eerie high-pitched screaming. He cautiously exits the alcove and looks around. In a chamber a few feet away, a number of persons are gathered. One of them appears to be stir-frying something. This is the source of the sizzling and screaming. Another pulls a clean sword from a sink and wipes it down. **Sunspace** moved towards the chamber. “Er, hello? Where am I?” ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/84 "2005-06-21T17:10:23Z")
A new party member appears, wearing a tight white shirt of a thin material and garish blue pants. He has a rucksack and jacket of a finely tailored, shiny material you can’t quite identify. Welcome, Sunspace. You are in a rectangular chamber with torches every few feet along the walls. There is an exit to the east, from which a faint draft comes. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/85 "2005-06-21T17:13:00Z")
Ack! An oddly-dressed stranger! We must kill him, and then question him about his intentions! ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/86 "2005-06-21T17:14:17Z")
Oh, wait…he’s got a “new party member” badge. Never mind. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/87 "2005-06-21T18:31:41Z")
Since I’m unbelievably curious as to why anyone would want to draft faint things, I move that we head east. In fact, I’ll sneak that way while coiling up my harpoon round. Just in case of trouble, I’ll take one of the smoke rounds marked with an erased “13” and slip it into the Anachronistic Pistol Bow[sup]TM[/sup]. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/88 "2005-06-21T19:04:19Z")
Upon closer investigation, you find that the faint draft trickling down the corridor must be Coors Light, seeping from a tap in the wall. Understandibly, it is weak and can’t have any effect on a person. Although it is evil, there is not much to be feared from it. A bit further on there is a set of steps, leading down. There is a lever projecting from an apparatus set in the floor near the start of the stairway. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/89 "2005-06-21T19:19:19Z")
\>examine apparatus ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/90 "2005-06-21T19:24:36Z")
Examine, exschmine… :: flips lever :: ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/91 "2005-06-21T19:40:57Z")
That’s the spirit! You flip the lever, while Daithi yells “What are you? Some kind of idiot?!” There’s a grinding sound and the stairs shift, flipping over to form a slick-looking slide. It’s covered with something shiny, like oil or goo of some sort. [‘rolls’ dice] The lever breaks off in your hand. The torches along the walls end near the top of the slide. You can’t see the bottom. Pieces of rubble created when the mechanism shifted around can still be heard skittering down the slope. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/92 "2005-06-21T19:54:50Z")
:: Looks at broken-off lever in hand :: Check it out, guys! Although it may look like a lever, my Clerical powers of deduction tell me that it’s actually _something more_… ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/93 "2005-06-21T20:01:08Z")
> [@Hal Briston](#): > > :: Looks at broken-off lever in hand :: > > Check it out, guys! Although it may look like a lever, my Clerical powers of deduction tell me that it’s actually _something more_… 18"DHIBJD? ---
**Author:** ![Queen\_Bruin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Queen\_Bruin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Bruin)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/94 "2005-06-21T20:03:18Z")
> [@capybara](#): > > 1/8 exp all around. Sausage Creature: do you want to prepare to cast a meal? I cast tofu stir fry! Maybe one of you tall guys can grab me some of that lichen on the roof for extra organic flava. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/95 "2005-06-21T20:13:26Z")
**Sunspace** pauses in the room, takes off his backpack, searches for a while, then pulls out a flashlight. He cautiously advances to the lip of the slide, and shines the light down. At the bottom, various objects reflect the light, some suggestively. "Is that a statue of… " ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/96 "2005-06-21T20:20:59Z")
“Is that a statue of. . . YAIAGGGGHhhhh” he cries as he slips down the slide. The rest of you see a circle of light flash onto various walls as the flashlight spirals down the chute after him. After a time you hear silence and a dusting-off noise. “Guys, I’m ok, but my flashlight’s broken or turned itself off and I can’t find it and it’s dark. But I’m standing on something metallic. . . and soft. . .” The tofu stir fry gives you all temporary tk. VERY temporary (the cooking process looses some of the vitamins). . . “18"DHIBJD?”? “What would the Beast with a Thousand Young do, Ia ia”? ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/97 "2005-06-21T20:42:57Z")
Ia! Ia! Cthulhu ftaghn! Oh, sorry - knee-jerk reaction, there. OK, I’m going down the chute, using tk to slow my descent, somewhat. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/98 "2005-06-21T20:54:28Z")
You slide slowly down the chute-- it appears to be greased. Eew. You reach the bottom and bump up against Sunspace. It’s dark down here. The ground is uneven; it bows here and there, and it feels like you’re standing on metal plates or something which shift slightly every now and then. It smells funny in here. Like. . . like the reptile and snake show you visited passing through South Dakota, once. ---
**Author:** ![Queen\_Bruin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Queen\_Bruin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Bruin)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/99 "2005-06-21T21:03:41Z")
Noting that the chute is greased, and not wanting to stain my +4 Overcoat of Sauteeing, I plant my butt down in the wok (after I’ve cooled it down with water from the canteen) and use it to sled down. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2005, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/100 "2005-06-21T21:03:54Z")
Er… if I press my ear to the floor, can I detect a faint … _gulp!_ … heartbeat? PS I’m about to become a NPC for a little while. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657.md?page=6)