# Who wants to be the Dungeon Master? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 17, 2005, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657 "2005-06-17T05:09:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Mr.Miskatonic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mr.miskatonic/32/310_2.png) [@Mr.Miskatonic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Miskatonic)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/141 "2005-06-23T02:56:39Z")
> [@capybara](#): > > The dragon leers at Sunspace, looking exceedingly smug. > “Oh, a ‘man’? Hee hee. That’s up there with a scarlet macaw. Yes, I guess I failed to mention it, but in it’s teenage years it has 106 legs and 48 tentacles coated with ichor, and during its midlife crisis emerges as the monstrous shambling Old One, emerging from the miasma of its non-euclidian, subaquatic tomb, spawn of Nyralathotep, ia, ia shub niggurah ia thlub klaatu barada nik-hrm hrm hrm. …” > > You lost the riddle, you surmise, but the dragon seems caught up in virtuoso descriptive ekphrasis. > > Any bright ideas? ::Takes notes from Dragon Babbling:: Hey, it comes with the nickname. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/142 "2005-06-23T02:58:03Z")
:: The dragon does not realise that his mesmerising spell has been broken by his self-congratulatory chortling. People start to ease towards the rope and the entrance chute. :: **Sunspace** looks at the rope and mutters, [sub]I’ve a bad feeling about this. Anyone see a handy door? [/sub] ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/143 "2005-06-23T03:02:18Z")
If only the party had someone levitating with a 10’ pole searching for secret doors in the ceiling! (Yeah, right.) ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/144 "2005-06-23T03:17:25Z")
The dragon whispers disjointed and irresponsible things about “the black pit,” “the carven rim,” “the proto-Shoggoths,” “the windowless solids with five dimensions,” “the nameless cylinder,” “the elder Pharos,” “Yog- Sothoth,” “the primal white jelly,” “the color out of space”. . . He seems pretty busy, for the moment. . . ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/145 "2005-06-23T03:22:53Z")
:: **Sunspace** looks around and makes sure that his backpack is packed, on tight and secure, and his knife is sheathed, then grabs the rope and starts tp climb. Soon he is out of sight over the top lip of the chute. :: ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/146 "2005-06-23T03:34:43Z")
Danforth. . . I mean, the DRAGON continues muttering, with “hand” and wing gestures. . . crap about “the wings,” “the eyes in darkness,” the moon ladder," “the original, the eternal, the undying,” and other bizarre conceptions. . . (why, yes, I _am_ stealing this from somewhere, Free cheetos to the player who identifies story) ---
**Author:** ![the4thmooncat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce7236/32.png) [@the4thmooncat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the4thmooncat)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/147 "2005-06-23T03:38:08Z")
**MoonCat** walks to the top of the chute, stepping out of **Sunspace** ’s way, and watches the dragon silently, trying to stay out of its line of sight. ---
**Author:** ![Batsinma\_Belfry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea5d25/32.png) [@Batsinma\_Belfry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Batsinma_Belfry)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/148 "2005-06-23T05:33:07Z")
I wander over to the chute opening, to see what all the commotion is about. I cautiosly peek over the edge. The beam of light from my crown, (which I forgot to turn off), lands upon a pantsless **Hal Briston** , hanging upside down, with his tunic gathered around his waist. As I recoil in shock, the light beam lands on a giant green eye… ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 7:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/149 "2005-06-23T07:40:26Z")
I step forward and say "O great riddlemaster, you are indeed worthy of the honour vouchsafed upon you by our Lord the King, and I therefore in my capacity as Minister Plenipotentiary For Suprahuman Intelligences do present you with this signet ring in earnest of your elevation to the nobility! “His Majesty is minded to make you a Count, but between you and me, I think he is generally willing to settle for any title you might be pleased to select. Only state your preference and I shall read the Official Proclamation!” Whereupon I hand over a signet ring and unroll a proclamation that has been living happily in my scroll-case. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/150 "2005-06-23T11:46:12Z")
> [@capybara](#): > > (why, yes, I _am_ stealing this from somewhere, Free cheetos to the player who identifies story) _The Haunter of the Dark?_ ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/151 "2005-06-23T14:26:09Z")
His shrieks begins to be repetitive, of a single mad word of all too obvious source, “Tekeli-li! Tekeli-li”. . . But Malacandara’s speech seems to stir him out of his not-eating-humans reverie, and he stops babbling. His eyes come back into focus, on Malacandara. Ya’ll rope-climbers are now at the top by Hillbilly Queen et al. Just Sunspace (and the NPC thief)? “We have a king?!” the dragon asks, incredulously. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/152 "2005-06-23T18:06:46Z")
“We sure do, and he says you’re the _tops_”, sez I. “So if you’ll just decide whether you want to be a Count, or an Earl or a Duke, I’ll do the formalities. (Duke’s good. That means every human within fifty miles has to do what you say.)” Whereupon I stand ready to read the proclamation. “By the way,” I add, “this sounds kinda funny. It’s one of those things lawyers draw up.” ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/153 "2005-06-23T18:53:52Z")
The dragon glares at you suspiciously. “I didn’t know we had a king. . . I thought the dungeon was an autonomous collective. . .” He huffs, and the steam from his nostrils makes the vellum you hold wilt a bit, the curve left from its storage in the scroll case softening. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/154 "2005-06-23T19:57:14Z")
> [@capybara](#): > > The dragon glares at you suspiciously. > “I didn’t know we had a king. . . I thought the dungeon was an autonomous collective. . .” Strictly speaking, we’re an anarch-syndicalist commune, but you’ll make a wonderful Duke, O _Draco Regalis_! ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/155 "2005-06-23T20:03:13Z")
:: piping up :: “No no no…we most definitely have a king. Yes, King…Thad…Geo…Har…Don…uhhh…ison. Yes, Great King Thadgeohardonuhhhison the…uhhh…Dragon-Lover.” :: internally grimacing at realizing he inadvertently put “hardon” in the middle of his bluff :: “…and of course, only the greatest in the realm are offered his signet. So, brother **Malacandra** , if you would please _read the Royal Proclamation_…” ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/156 "2005-06-23T20:33:43Z")
oh what the hell \*\*Anaamika \*\* vaults in through a hitherto unnoticed window. She somersaults across the room, landing on her feet and drawing two tantos. “Hey, guys. What’s going on? Ooo! Dragon-guarded treasure!” ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/157 "2005-06-23T20:56:30Z")
At this point, as soon as the dragon has put the ring on his claw, I read the _Polymorph Any Object_ scroll I was fortuitously carrying (heavily disguised as a “royal proclamation”), casting it at the _signet ring_ rather than the dragon, or, to be specific, the cameo on it, which I turn into a rather smaller mass of anti-matter. I think one milligram ought to be enough. I make that about ninety gigajoules of energy released in the resulting explosion - you know, the whole _e=mc[sup]2[/sup]_ thing. What? My god told me, that’s how I know! :mad: I’ll use my _ki_ ability so if I make my saving throw, I’ll take zero damage. Hope **Anaamika** didn’t just blunder into the blast radius… ---
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/158 "2005-06-23T21:05:45Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > \*\*Anaamika \*\* vaults in through a hitherto unnoticed window. She somersaults across the room, landing on her feet and drawing two tantos. ::Real World Mode ON:: Wait, you can join in the middle of a game? I know I did it for Doperball, but I just sat on the bench and cheered. Hmmmm… No, I think I will just continue to lurk. 😃 ::Real World Mode OFF:: ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/159 "2005-06-23T21:10:41Z")
Ah, yes, but here on the Dis. . . the Frisbeeworld, physics are different. Ninety gigajoules is only one quarter of a thaumatamole. The ring goes “fweeeEEEP” and shines for a moment. “OOh, sparkly. Now, do I get a royal name, too? Do I get to choose it? A DUKE, huh?” ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2005, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657/160 "2005-06-23T21:12:06Z")
(This is NOT Doperball-- of course you can join in any time. Physics are different here. Git yer ass in here, boy! (or girl)) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-wants-to-be-the-dungeon-master/308657.md?page=9)