# Who would be your movie henchmen? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [September 9, 2003, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-would-be-your-movie-henchmen/200428 "2003-09-09T01:34:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Love\_Rhombus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/love_rhombus/32/10694_2.png) [@Love\_Rhombus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Love_Rhombus)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2003, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-would-be-your-movie-henchmen/200428/1 "2003-09-09T01:34:00Z")
Having seen a goodly number of movies, I think we can all agree that a villain is only as good as his underlings. That being the case, who would you choose as your henchmen(people)? I’d have Danny Trejo, Mattias Hues and Temuera Morrison for intimidation, and Michael Parks as the tough second-in-command. And Cotter Smith as the brainy guy, just because I think he looks smart. ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2003, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-would-be-your-movie-henchmen/200428/2 "2003-09-09T04:54:54Z")
The munchkins from the Wizard of Oz to throw the good guys off at first. Follow that with muscle in the form of King Kong and Godzilla brandishing light sabres. Second-in-command would be Kevin Smith because he would actually know how to direct my henchmen/henchmonsters. My Queen and Main Squeeze would be a genetically fused Salma Hayek/Winona Ryder/Mia Sara. No brainy guys for me; I’m the only one allowed to be smart in my organization. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2003, 6:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-would-be-your-movie-henchmen/200428/3 "2003-09-09T06:50:06Z")
HenchMEN? PFFFT! I’d assemble any number of beautiful but deadly female sex slaves to form my cadre of global domination. ---
**Author:** ![Odinoneeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/97f17d/32.png) [@Odinoneeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odinoneeye)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2003, 7:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-would-be-your-movie-henchmen/200428/4 "2003-09-09T07:22:40Z")
Well first of all I’d have to find a theme for my villainy and then find several henchmen with nicknames that match the theme and don’t mind wearing the names on their shirts. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2003, 7:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-would-be-your-movie-henchmen/200428/5 "2003-09-09T07:23:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Odinoneeye \* > \*\*Well first of all I’d have to find a theme for my villainy and then find several henchmen with nicknames that match the theme and don’t mind wearing the names on their shirts. \*\* They’d need a good sense of balance, too, because the floor will always be tilted. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Babbington](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Mr.Babbington](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Babbington)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2003, 7:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-would-be-your-movie-henchmen/200428/6 "2003-09-09T07:38:21Z")
Luis Guzman. But he’s busy with his sitcom now, so I’ll have to wait until the middle of October (when it gets cancelled) to begin my Plan For World Domination. ---
**Author:** ![Short\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Short\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Short_Guy)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2003, 9:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-would-be-your-movie-henchmen/200428/7 "2003-09-09T09:55:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bryan Ekers \* > \*\*HenchMEN? PFFFT! > > I’d assemble any number of beautiful but deadly female sex slaves to form my cadre of global domination. \*\* Well… that goes without saying. 😃 But to top it off, I’d go with a young Martin Landau, Crispin Glover (the Thin Man from Charlie’s Angels), a young Richard Kiel (best teamed with Peter Lorre, for effect), and Michael Ironside. That would be one kick-ass team of henchmen. ---
**Author:** ![DreadCthulhu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/db5fbb/32.png) [@DreadCthulhu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DreadCthulhu)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2003, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-would-be-your-movie-henchmen/200428/8 "2003-09-09T18:20:47Z")
Well, I would want a bunch of Deep Ones, and maybe a couple Star Spawn for my main attack forces. For my advisors/assasins, I want some Evil Magical Girls. ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2003, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-would-be-your-movie-henchmen/200428/9 "2003-09-09T21:25:52Z")
Darth Maul, Seven of Nine, and a reanimated zombie Shirley Temple would be my hench-persons. They could protect my Harem of Charlotte Church clones. ---
**Author:** ![Askia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/96bed5/32.png) [@Askia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askia)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2003, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-would-be-your-movie-henchmen/200428/10 "2003-09-09T21:38:04Z")
I’d clone Batman by the regiment, and they’d all be prepared. The world would be under my caped and cowled jackboot! Mwuh ha ha ha ha hA haaa! ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Bravo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_bravo/32/493_2.png) [@Johnny\_Bravo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Bravo)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2003, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-would-be-your-movie-henchmen/200428/11 "2003-09-09T23:12:43Z")
Only need one. Sean Connery. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Bravo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_bravo/32/493_2.png) [@Johnny\_Bravo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Bravo)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2003, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-would-be-your-movie-henchmen/200428/12 "2003-09-09T23:17:57Z")
Oh yeah. And the scantily-clad yet deadly women. But that goes without saying, right? ---
**Author:** ![dinahmoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8797f3/32.png) [@dinahmoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dinahmoe)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2003, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-would-be-your-movie-henchmen/200428/13 "2003-09-09T23:31:06Z")
Heather Chandler, Orson from “Mork and Mindy”, Thom Filicia from Queer Eye, The Lansdowne Street Sausage Guy, and that little Go-go Gopher that always said “Hoopie-Doopie!” I would be an equal opportunity movie villian. ---
**Author:** ![Roadwalker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e19b73/32.png) [@Roadwalker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roadwalker)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2003, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-would-be-your-movie-henchmen/200428/14 "2003-09-10T00:13:08Z")
Mace Windu Ironbar Bassy Apollo Creed Martin Riggs ---
**Author:** ![vl\_mungo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/bc8723/32.png) [@vl\_mungo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vl_mungo)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2003, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-would-be-your-movie-henchmen/200428/15 "2003-09-10T00:55:26Z")
Lee Marvin, Robert Mitchum, James Coburn… hell, nearly anyone who was in either The Wild Bunch, The Magnificent Seven or The Dirty Dozen would do fine. As for the beautiful henchlady(s)… well, any or all of those Charlie’s Angels ladies would do to start. ---
**Author:** ![widdershins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f0a364/32.png) [@widdershins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/widdershins)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2003, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-would-be-your-movie-henchmen/200428/16 "2003-09-10T03:08:51Z")
I guess I’d be a Dr. Bruno Mabuse style criminal mastermind, with lots of underlings working for me without their knowledge through a small group of henchmen/fronts who answer only to me. I’d want Mad Dog from _Hard Boiled_; Thunder, Rain and Lightning from _Big Trouble In Little China_; and the criminal gang from _Time And Tide_. And Michael J. Pollard as my groveling underling to heap abuse upon. I would relax with my handpicked personal harem of newsbunnies from the various cable news networks. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2003, 8:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/who-would-be-your-movie-henchmen/200428/17 "2003-09-10T08:29:47Z")
**The Baroness** for my _Femme Fatale_ (Shego from Disney’s “Kim Possible” would be her understudy) One (or more) of the Terminators for my overpowered thug(s). For me “elite troops,” a step above my Minions but a step below my Henchmen, I’d probably just hire a bunch of [former-Soviet superhero teams,](http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Dungeon/2864/Foreign_Heros.html) like the “Rocket Red Brigade,” the “People’s Protectorate,” “Captain Dirticommieratski,” etc. I’d just really get a kick out of the _kitsch_ factor. I’d have to hold open auditions for my **Brooding, sardonic, but utterly loyal Trusted Lieutenant with a ruthless code of honor.** In the meantime, I’d just use a second _Femme Fatale_. **Dr. Wilhelm “Deathshead” Strasse** from _Return to Caslte Wolfenstein_ would be my resident Mad Scientist, for the interim, at least. (You can never have too many _Übersoldaten_ fighting for you) I’d also make sure to hire some bumbling, incompetant henchman, like X-Men’s [**Blob**](http://x-men.animationinsider.net/fred.php), who’d nominally get used as comic relief. However, in my case, I’d immediately send him on a genocidal mission that was “rigged” so that the only way to thwart him would be to kill him. I’d time the mission so that the only hero who’d be available for said thwarting is one who is naive, idealistic, and/or otherwise morally opposed to killing. So either way, I’d win…if the hero slays my henchman, they’ll be psychologically scarred for life. And if they chicken out…my mission succeeds, _and_ the hero will be shamed and shunned by the world for refusing to put the safety of others above their own needs. \>:D