# Who's Got Your Back? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 23, 2006, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-got-your-back/345845 "2006-02-23T21:07:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-got-your-back/345845/1 "2006-02-23T21:07:52Z")
A mention of ripped-shirt Kirk in another thread got me thinking. The mafia, the South American drug cartels, the Russian mafia, the Tongs, the Yakuza, the FBI, several U.S. Marshalls, and Kathy Lee are all after you. Who’s got your back? For this discussion, you may pick one and only one fictional character. Thus, you can’t pick Chuck Norris, but you _can_ pick Walker, Texas Ranger. Please explain your choice and possibly compare and contrast with others’ choices. ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-got-your-back/345845/2 "2006-02-23T21:18:43Z")
> [@Ponder Stibbons](#): > > For this discussion, you may pick one and only one fictional character. Thus, you can’t pick Chuck Norris, but you _can_ pick Walker, Texas Ranger. Please explain your choice and possibly compare and contrast with others’ choices. Chuck Norris has recently achieved mythic status somehow and has morphed into a fictional character. Still I choose River Tam. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-got-your-back/345845/3 "2006-02-23T21:21:08Z")
Jesus. ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-got-your-back/345845/4 "2006-02-23T21:22:45Z")
I dunno. That whole cross thing and all. I think River would kick Jesus’ butt. ---
**Author:** ![Ensign\_Edison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ab992/32.png) [@Ensign\_Edison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ensign_Edison)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-got-your-back/345845/5 "2006-02-23T21:23:37Z")
> [@Ponder Stibbons](#): > > A mention of ripped-shirt Kirk in another thread got me thinking. > > The mafia, the South American drug cartels, the Russian mafia, the Tongs, the Yakuza, the FBI, several U.S. Marshalls, and Kathy Lee are all after you. Who’s got your back? > > For this discussion, you may pick one and only one fictional character. Thus, you can’t pick Chuck Norris, but you _can_ pick Walker, Texas Ranger. Please explain your choice and possibly compare and contrast with others’ choices. I’m in. I choose Spock. He’s got the Vulcan bag of tricks, he’s smarter than any human being, and if I’m lucky he can rescue me in a spaceship. If I have to pick an Earthling, I choose Hawk from Robert Parker’s Spenser novels. (TV show? What? I have no idea what you are talking about). He’s an unstoppable killing machine with fabulous personal style, and he knows his way around all those gangster types. Plus he’ll need to be around as a distraction for all the ladies that throw themselves at me because I’m dead sexy when I’m running for my life. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-got-your-back/345845/6 "2006-02-23T21:26:23Z")
> [@Ponder Stibbons](#): > > I dunno. That whole cross thing and all. I think River would kick Jesus’ butt. Jesus can take a bigger, more brutal whoopin’ than anybody, and then still rise from the dead to kick the asses of the living. ---
**Author:** ![LiveOnAPlane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3d9bf3/32.png) [@LiveOnAPlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LiveOnAPlane)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-got-your-back/345845/7 "2006-02-23T21:27:58Z")
I’d pick Hannibal Lecter. ---
**Author:** ![anyrose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@anyrose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anyrose)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-got-your-back/345845/8 "2006-02-23T21:31:49Z")
Xena ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-got-your-back/345845/9 "2006-02-23T21:34:58Z")
I’d pick Popye the Salior Man. One, he always has spinich, so he will always prevail. Also, I don’t like the stuff so if my dinner has it, he’ll eat mine. Plus, he as terrible taste in women, leaving the babes for me. ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-got-your-back/345845/10 "2006-02-23T21:36:08Z")
Jack Bauer, of course. If he can save the world, he can save my ass. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-got-your-back/345845/11 "2006-02-23T21:36:46Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > I’d pick Popye the Salior Man. > > One, he always has spinich, so he will always prevail. Also, I don’t like the stuff so if my dinner has it, he’ll eat mine. > > Plus, he as terrible taste in women, leaving the babes for me. Jesus would leave _all_ teh women for me, can multiply loaves and fishes (both of which I like) and can turn water into wine. ---
**Author:** ![anyrose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@anyrose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anyrose)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-got-your-back/345845/12 "2006-02-23T21:37:02Z")
> [@LiveOnAPlane](#): > > I’d pick Hannibal Lecter. oh yeah, he’d have your back - with fava beans and a nice chianti! ---
**Author:** ![anyrose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@anyrose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anyrose)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-got-your-back/345845/13 "2006-02-23T21:39:08Z")
> [@anyrose](#): > > Xena changed my mind: Buffy ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-got-your-back/345845/14 "2006-02-23T21:41:36Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Jesus can take a bigger, more brutal whoopin’ than anybody, and then still rise from the dead to kick the asses of the living. I’m right with you up until the “kick the asses of the living” thing. Jesus is the original “turn the cheek” guy. He ain’t kickin’ nobodies ass for nobody. Unless you’re talking about that Jesus II: The Return Of The Christ thing, but that’s not exactly canon. And don’t _even_ get me goin’ on Zombie Jesus. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-got-your-back/345845/15 "2006-02-23T21:44:40Z")
The Punisher, provided I can convince him the FBI and the U.S. Marshals are, in fact, the bad guys here. ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-got-your-back/345845/16 "2006-02-23T21:44:41Z")
Green Lantern. At a walk…‘most powerful tool in the universe’ mean anything? Kyle, preferably - so we could talk comics while he was saving my ass. Alan’d be cool, except for the wood thing. Don’t want to get killed by a thug with a bat. Hal would be an inoffensive, but not particularly exciting choice. Ditto John. Guy…I think I’d rather deal with the gangsters than be stuck with him. Jade…I think I’d make an ass of myself - I mean…hot green chick! - so it’d be best just to avoid the whole situation. ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-got-your-back/345845/17 "2006-02-23T21:46:26Z")
> [@anyrose](#): > > Buffy I dunno. Do you think she can handle Kathy Lee? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![PapSett](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@PapSett](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PapSett)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-got-your-back/345845/18 "2006-02-23T21:47:56Z")
I’d go with Legolas. (As seen in the trilogy) And then when he’s done defending me, I can get ELFED, baby ! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-got-your-back/345845/19 "2006-02-23T21:48:36Z")
> [@BrainGlutton](#): > > The Punisher, provided I can convince him the FBI and the U.S. Marshals are, in fact, the bad guys here. Yea I think we can safely assume that the FBI and the U.S. Marshals are after you because you’ve been framed and are actually innocent. ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-got-your-back/345845/20 "2006-02-23T22:01:20Z")
Willow Rosenberg. She’s a tad protective of her friends and has enough skill in magic to cause Armageddon and Ragnarok to happen simultaneously. Plus, she’s so cute and adorable and is my fictional wife. Tough luck, **BBVLou**. I got dibs. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-got-your-back/345845.md?page=2)