# Who's on your list of time-travel assassinations? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 14, 2011, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679 "2011-03-14T18:07:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/1 "2011-03-14T18:07:55Z")
In an otherwise unrelated [thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=600498), someone wrote > [@](#): > > …[Augustine of Hippo](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Augustine_of_Hippo) is first on my list of “time travel assassinations”, for enshrining all that “sex is evil” crap. Sure, _he_ had fun in his youth and matured, but the message got twisted from “sex is less important as you get older, replaced by more intellectual pursuits” to “sex is bad.” > > Fuck that guy. (link added by moi) Leaving aside the illogic of the final insult (shouldn’t it be _ **unfuck** that guy_? 😃 ), I think we have a subject for a thread – obviously this one. It’s been a while since I started any bloodthirsty and immoral discussions, after all. So here’s the sitch. I’m donating the use of my Burroughs-Libby cross-time buggy. The verniers are locked so that you can only go backwards in time; the minimum trip allowed is 150 years, and the maximum is 1900 years: in other words, you can go to any date between 111 CE and 1860 CE.\* The Novikov compensator is engaged so that your actions on the trip can actually be of effect.‡ The CT buggy has a Star Trek:TNG era library computer and sensor array installed, so you should be able to find anybody you want. There’s also a light saber for, well, killing people,† and a Legion flight ring to effect a quick getaway back to the buggy. You may make a single trip backwards in time, and then return. Whom will you assassinate for the good of man-the-kind? \*Why, yes, this is set up so you can’t kill Dick Cheney OR Jesus Christ. Why? The latter because we dump on the Christians too much as it is, and the former because I don’t want to be wishing death on living people. ‡ I will fear no paradox. † Why a light saber rather than a phaser, AK-47, or sniper rifle? Because if you’re going to get all murdery, you should have the balls and/or ovaries to do it face to face. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/2 "2011-03-14T18:21:16Z")
Hmmm…Hitler is usually my default choice for time-travel assassination targets, but I’m in the mood for something different. Think I’ll use the light saber to decapitate John Wilkes Booth. I can do it in 1860, and prevent him from killing Lincoln years later. Since I’m your buddy and all, I’m going claim a two-fer and take out General William Tecumseh Sherman May He Rot in Hell while I’m at it. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/3 "2011-03-14T18:28:42Z")
Well, as a rule, I don’t like to kill preteens. But this guy ([Luigi Cadorna - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luigi_Cadorna)) won our recent Worst Military Leader thread, so to prevent a lot of needless World War I casualties, I’m willing to do my civic duty. In 1861 he’ll be 11. Pity Hitler, Stalin, Mao and Pol Pot would all be too young for me to reach in the time buggy. ---
**Author:** ![Sarabellum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sarabellum/32/3492_2.png) [@Sarabellum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sarabellum)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/4 "2011-03-14T18:31:07Z")
Hitler’s dad? If we can figure out who he might have been? ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Onimous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ea5d25/32.png) [@Ann\_Onimous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Onimous)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/5 "2011-03-14T18:31:20Z")
Oh well. The time frame knocks out my only choice. ---
**Author:** ![Alka\_Seltzer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c89c15/32.png) [@Alka\_Seltzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alka_Seltzer)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/6 "2011-03-14T18:34:23Z")
Off the top of my head, I’d try and find a common ancestor of Hitler, Stalin, Tomas De Torquemada, Noel Edmonds and… Dick Cheney. (If you don’t like the rules, change the game.) ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/7 "2011-03-14T18:35:41Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > Since I’m your buddy and all, I’m going claim a two-fer and take out General William Tecumseh Sherman May He Rot in Hell while I’m at it. Why was Sherman bad? ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/8 "2011-03-14T18:38:48Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > Pity Hitler, Stalin, Mao and Pol Pot would all be too young for me to reach in the time buggy. And Lenin. Franz Conrad von Hoetzendorf would be available but do I really want to shoot an eight year old? Maybe I’ll just go back and knock off John Calhoun. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/9 "2011-03-14T18:38:51Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > Hmmm…Hitler is usually my default choice for time-travel assassination targets, but I’m in the mood for something different. Think I’ll use the light saber to decapitate John Wilkes Booth. I can do it in 1860, and prevent him from killing Lincoln years later. > > Since I’m your buddy and all, I’m going claim a two-fer and take out General William Tecumseh Sherman May He Rot in Hell while I’m at it. I wrote that you get one _trip_, not one _target_. Those are close enough in time & space that it shouldn’t be a problem, though. I’m not sure killing Booth alone will save Lincoln; I’d expect you’d want to take out all the conspirators. I understand your motives on the second one, but I think it will have the effect of extending the Civil War, and I’m not sure it will save Atlanta in the process. **Rand** , Oak is offended by the march to the sea, I think. Being black I hold Sherman in somewhat higher esteem than he, but I understand his attitude. (Hell, even I have to consider Sherman a heroic sociopath at best.) There are still people in Atlanta who spit at the mention of his name. **EH** , I don’t think you thought your plan through. Why not go back to 1850, and chop off Cadorna’s father’s head? It’s exactly as immortal but less squicky. **Sarabellum** , you’re going to have to hinky with the buggy’s controls to assassinate any of the Kims, and while the OP doesn’t _say_ those are booby-trapped, I’d certainly make that assumption. Even if they’re not – well, verniers are sensitive. Set 'em up wrong and you’re stranded without tech support, and I’m certainly not helping. > [@Sarabellum1976](#): > > Hitler’s dad? If we can figure out who he might have been? Okay, I know why **I** wouldn’t kill Hitler’s mother. Why wouldn’t **you**? > [@Alka\_Seltzer](#): > > Off the top of my head, I’d try and find a common ancestor of Hitler, Stalin, Tomas De Torquemada, Noel Edmonds and… Dick Cheney. > > (If you don’t like the rules, change the game.) Why it’s almost certain you’ll be able to find someone who fits that description, what makes you think that person isn’t also one of YOUR ancestors? ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/10 "2011-03-14T18:47:53Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Why not go back to 1850, and chop off Cadorna’s father’s head? It’s exactly as immortal but less squicky. There can be only one? ---
**Author:** ![Earl\_Snake-Hips\_Tucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/earl_snake-hips_tucker/32/3269_2.png) [@Earl\_Snake-Hips\_Tucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earl_Snake-Hips_Tucker)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/11 "2011-03-14T18:49:31Z")
Muhammad. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/12 "2011-03-14T19:08:44Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > **Rand** , Oak is offended by the march to the sea, I think. Being black I hold Sherman in somewhat higher esteem than he, but I understand his attitude. (Hell, even I have to consider Sherman a heroic sociopath at best.) There are still people in Atlanta who spit at the mention of his name. Ok, that makes sense if you look at it from that perspective. Being black as well I think Sherman was on the right path. I’d take out Cortez. That guy was a dick. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/13 "2011-03-14T19:42:57Z")
So I can’t go back to 1996 and kill George Lucas with a shovel? hmm… ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/14 "2011-03-14T19:43:35Z")
Oh, yeah, Cortez, definitely. Read Gary Jennings’s great historical novel _Aztec_ if you want more reason to hate him. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/15 "2011-03-14T19:51:53Z")
I might be inclined to play _Terminator_ against Pope Innocent III and his court… ---
**Author:** ![robardin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/43a26b/32.png) [@robardin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robardin)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/16 "2011-03-14T20:34:06Z")
Hmm. After you pointed out that I could go back to one specific TIME but was not limited to one specific TARGET, I began to consider what point in time contained the greatest number of “nexus points of beneficial opportunistic murder” (preferably clustered geographically). But the use of a lightsaber presents a few challenges. For example, it’d be hard to, say, defend the city of Constantinople from the Fourth Crusaders. Unless I were actually a Jedi Knight to boot. And even then I’d have to spend time recruiting a bumbling comic-relief sidekick to come through and save the day with about 20 minutes left. Hmm. On update, I see Chimera was thinking along the same lines, “crediting” Pope Innocent III and his cronies for the Fourth Crusade. He might be on to something. > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Oak is offended by the march to the sea, I think. … There are still people in Atlanta who spit at the mention of his name. This is going off-topic, but I remember hearing of a fellow from NY driving to Florida for Spring Break with more knowledge of history than sense who (a) got pulled over by a Georgia State Trooper on I-95 doing about 90 MPH, and (b) had the following exchange of “witty repartee” with said Trooper: Trooper: I see you’re fron New York. Maybe y’all drive differently up there, but nobody goes through the state of Georgia that fast. New Yorker: What about General Sherman? This earned him about 20 citations and a night in the tank. Oak could also be airing Native American grievances. In addition to being a practitioner of a scorched earth/total war campaign strategy against the South in the Civil War, Sherman continued this philosophy in the Indian Wars afterwards (especially the Sioux), writing “we must act with vindictive earnestness against the Sioux, even to their extermination, men, women and children”, and that “during an assault, the soldiers can not pause to distinguish between male and female, or even discriminate as to age”. ---
**Author:** ![Alka\_Seltzer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c89c15/32.png) [@Alka\_Seltzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alka_Seltzer)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/17 "2011-03-14T20:56:05Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Why it’s almost certain you’ll be able to find someone who fits that description, what makes you think that person isn’t also one of YOUR ancestors? Good point, guess some serious cross-referencing is in order. _Work_ that card-index baby! To be serious-ish for a moment, my 5-for-the-price-of-one deal is going to run into some major butterfly effect. It would eliminate my real targets from history, but about the only other thing I could be certain of is that I wouldn’t exist either. Never mind inadvertantly killing my own grandfather. Removing Bill, who was destined to interrupt Fred, who as a result of being distracted inadvertantly put an extra stitch in a sock, which was bought by Jeremy, which as a result took an extra few seconds removing it on a special evening, leading to a different sperm winning that crucial race. The odd of any of us existing are zero to the nearest approximation. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/18 "2011-03-14T22:11:36Z")
Crank that puppy up to Nicea, 325 Ad. I have a bit of a bone to pick with the entire [bishopric of the church](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Council_of_Nicaea) at the time and that would be a lovely time to play with that suitcase nuke I picked up from Abdulla’s Used Military Supply. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/19 "2011-03-14T22:20:36Z")
> [@robardin](#): > > Oak could also be airing Native American grievances. In addition to being a practitioner of a scorched earth/total war campaign strategy against the South in the Civil War, Sherman continued this philosophy in the Indian Wars afterwards (especially the Sioux), writing “we must act with vindictive earnestness against the Sioux, even to their extermination, men, women and children”, and that “during an assault, the soldiers can not pause to distinguish between male and female, or even discriminate as to age”. Sherman said that during Red Cloud’s War. The number of actual Indians killed during the entire war was maybe fifty at most. So it appears that extermination was not Sherman’s real plan. ---
**Author:** ![Morbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morbo/32/389_2.png) [@Morbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morbo)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2011, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/20 "2011-03-14T22:28:55Z")
1978 - Billy Hickman. He knows why. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679.md?page=2)