# Who's on your list of time-travel assassinations? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 14, 2011, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679 "2011-03-14T18:07:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Telperion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telperion/32/509_2.png) [@Telperion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperion)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2011, 6:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/41 "2011-03-16T06:13:10Z")
> [@Cicero](#): > > Wouldn’t you be better offing Kaiser Wilhelm II rather than a couple of blundering Black Hand assassins such as Princip? He was born in 1859 so he makes it. Germany had been militaristic but under control with Bismark pulling the strings. > > Bismark couldn’t live for ever of course, but Wilhelm had ambitions and enough idiocy to ensure war was more or less inevitable. Austria would never have gone to war against Serbia without Germany’s blank cheque. I like the way you think, but Willy’s brother Heinrich became a grand admiral and by all accounts was quite competent, so unfortunately that plan might not have turned out for the best. ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2011, 10:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/42 "2011-03-16T10:35:36Z")
**Ranchoth** for the win. Very very nicely done. ---
**Author:** ![asterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/4da419/32.png) [@asterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asterion)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2011, 11:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/43 "2011-03-16T11:47:49Z")
I think it would be best to assassinate people that were about to be assassinated or otherwise die anyway. You know, Thomas Becket, any number of regicides, some random person that was about to die from disease or natural disaster, that sort of thing. All the fun of killing someone without any pesky worries about the timeline. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2011, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/44 "2011-03-16T15:32:40Z")
> [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](#): > > **Ranchoth** for the win. Very very nicely done. Apparently there was a movie where they said Mary Jane Kelly secretly was Jack the Ripper. Talk about blaming the victim. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2011, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/45 "2011-03-16T16:10:32Z")
> [@Projammer](#): > > While I certainly agree that the pre-emptive revocation of some individual’s oxygen permits would be an excellent idea, allow me to point out that with the tools available we can accomplish this without actually killin anyone. > > Just locate the fathers a year before the target’s birthdate and impose upon them involuntary vascectomies. > > This neatly sidesteps any squeamishness of actually killing someone. Either the killing in general or for a specific reason such as the ultimate target being female or child. You’re going to have to recruit a physician for that. You’re complicating things needlessly. > [@Acid\_Lamp](#): > > Flavius Valerius Aurelius Constantinus; preferably at the council of Nicea where I will be using my lightsaber to bring the house down on the lot of them. You have a light saber, not the hammer of Thor. Not that you could use Mjolnir anyway. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2011, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/46 "2011-03-16T16:26:31Z")
Let’s see…do I strike with specific purpose, or go chaotic and put History into puree mode? If I choose the latter, I’d probably off Queen Victoria before she could marry and crank out all her vile brood. If I choose the former, then a trip to the very early 19th century is in order, where I can get Metternich, Marx, Bismarck’s dad and the whole Hohenzollern line in one go. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2011, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/47 "2011-03-16T16:50:15Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > Let’s see…do I strike with specific purpose, or go chaotic and put History into puree mode? What the hell do I care? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Morgyn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morgyn/32/3041_2.png) [@Morgyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgyn)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2011, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/48 "2011-03-16T16:55:34Z")
Margaret Beaufort and Elizabeth Woodville. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2011, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/49 "2011-03-16T17:01:30Z")
> [@Sarabellum1976](#): > > Hitler’s dad? If we can figure out who he might have been? Hitler’s mom would be a surer bet, if we’re killing an innocent to probably save millions of people. Though I’d rather leave a copy of “How Things Work” with, I don’t know, Samuel Clemens or George Washington Carver or someone. ETA: Probably Benjamin Franklin, on reflection. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2011, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/50 "2011-03-16T17:07:03Z")
> [@Tom\_Scud](#): > > Hitler’s mom would be a surer bet, if we’re killing an innocent to probably save millions of people. Though I’d rather leave a copy of “How Things Work” with, I don’t know, Samuel Clemens or George Washington Carver or someone. > > ETA: Probably Benjamin Franklin, on reflection. To murder, or to give the book to? ---
**Author:** ![Argent\_Towers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e8c25b/32.png) [@Argent\_Towers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Argent_Towers)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2011, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/51 "2011-03-16T17:14:03Z")
Karl Marx. So many of the modern world’s problems can be traced to this man. It’s too bad, because he himself seemed like an OK guy. But his ideas were very dangerous. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2011, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/52 "2011-03-16T17:20:52Z")
Rue McClanahan’s great-great grandmother. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2011, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/53 "2011-03-16T17:57:13Z")
> [@Tom\_Scud](#): > > Hitler’s mom would be a surer bet, if we’re killing an innocent to probably save millions of people. Though I’d rather leave a copy of “How Things Work” with, I don’t know, Samuel Clemens or George Washington Carver or someone. > > ETA: Probably Benjamin Franklin, on reflection. > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > To murder, or to give the book to? To give the book to. Murder, if I am required to do so, I’d pretty much have to go with Klara Polzl (later Klara Hitler), who was born in 1860. ---
**Author:** ![Dallas\_Jones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dallas_jones/32/3277_2.png) [@Dallas\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dallas_Jones)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2011, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/54 "2011-03-16T18:11:14Z")
> [@Earl\_Snake-Hips\_Tucker](#): > > Muhammad. There is good short story by Alfred Bester called “The Men Who Murdered Mohammed.” But if you had an actual, working time machine and you were successful in clearing up the people you didn’t want in history, well then, nobody would know who they were or why you wanted them pre-empted. “I saved a billion lives by going back in time and killing Randy Thomas!” Who? What did he do? You are just plain nuts, no cashews at all. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2011, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/55 "2011-03-16T18:24:36Z")
George Osmond. ---
**Author:** ![Projammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/projammer/32/559_2.png) [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2011, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/56 "2011-03-17T22:02:58Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > You’re going to have to recruit a physician for that. You’re complicating things needlessly. Farmers have been neutering animals for centuries, if not millenia. Just pack along a bottle of whiskey for anesthetic and antiseptic. Get em to join you for some shooters and Bob’s yer uncle, cause he sure won’t be no one’s daddy. ---
**Author:** ![Motojojo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/65b543/32.png) [@Motojojo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Motojojo)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2011, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/57 "2011-03-17T23:05:49Z")
If I could trade the lightsaber for a .50 cal with a thousand rounds of ammo, I’d defend the Alamo. Mainly because I’d want to party with Davy Crockett in my spare time before returning. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2011, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/58 "2011-03-18T02:35:05Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > Let’s see…do I strike with specific purpose, or go chaotic and put History into puree mode? > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > What the hell do I care? 😕 Good question. Also a good question is “why would a physician need to be present for me to castrate someone with a lightsabre?” ---
**Author:** ![Engineer\_Dude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9fc29f/32.png) [@Engineer\_Dude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Engineer_Dude)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2011, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/59 "2011-03-18T19:32:26Z")
> [@Projammer](#): > > Just locate the fathers a year before the target’s birthdate and impose upon them involuntary vascectomies. Except…for something like 10 - 15% of children, their father isn’t who they think it is…so there’s that risk. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2011, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679/60 "2011-03-18T19:41:38Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > Good question. Also a good question is “why would a physician need to be present for me to castrate someone with a lightsabre?” Wrong tool, dude. I seriously doubt you can castrate somebody with a light saber without also cutting off at least one leg. If you’re gonna kill the guy, just kill him. Don’t faff about. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-on-your-list-of-time-travel-assassinations/574679.md?page=4)