# Who's the most/least likely suspect in your murder? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 29, 2007, 11:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-the-most-least-likely-suspect-in-your-murder/405892 "2007-05-29T11:28:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 11:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-the-most-least-likely-suspect-in-your-murder/405892/1 "2007-05-29T11:28:04Z")
An uncharacteristically pithy OP: Suppose you’re found murdered in such a fashion that suggests the killer had a definite personal interest in sending you to join the choir invisible (as opposed to having done it for money, sport, or psychosis’ sake). Is there anyone of whom all the people in your life would say, “Officer, you need to check XXX’s alibi right away. I was always afraid XXX would kill that Doper one day”? By contrast, is there anyone who, if arrested for the murder, would prompt the general response, “Nope. Sorry. Can’t be true. I don’t care if you have DNA evidence, an analog video tape recording of the murder, a signed confession witnessed by the the heads of the ACLU and Amnesty International, and a note from God. There’s **no way** XXX killed that Doper. It must have been his Mirror Universe counterpart or something.” And, of course, explain why. Anybody? ---
**Author:** ![GuyNblueJeans](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e9bcb4/32.png) [@GuyNblueJeans](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuyNblueJeans)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-the-most-least-likely-suspect-in-your-murder/405892/2 "2007-05-29T12:44:06Z")
I can’t go into details because there are too many, sorry. I’m not sure I understand your question, but to the extent that I think I do, I’ll say this much: There is one person in the world that would love to harm me in the worst imaginable way, but she’s restricted (I deduce) by spiritual principles, as the reality we share and war in is at a level where God/Jesus directly officiates, as it were, and what they decide stands. (Their sovereignty of course includes all realities at all levels, but somehow at this level where me and the person in question at times have at it, they – the Holy Trinity – seem to play a more direct and immediate role with what’s going on. It’s hard to explain.) On the other side of the coin of me deciding I had no choice but to travel to where she lives and end her with a bullet, it was made clear to me in a rather bizarre way that the rules are such that I’m not allowed to kill her, either. And it’s a shame that I can’t because she’s getting away with doing horrible harm to a lot of people. Gerhart Riegner and I have something in common, sad to say. ---
**Author:** ![Licentious\_Ectomorph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5e9695/32.png) [@Licentious\_Ectomorph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Licentious_Ectomorph)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-the-most-least-likely-suspect-in-your-murder/405892/3 "2007-05-29T13:04:44Z")
I’m happy to say I can’t think of anyone who would want to kill me. I’m easy-going and don’t make enemies, so to my knowledge the worst anyone feels about me is neutrality. My SO would be the most likely suspect just out of sheer logic, since we live together and such crimes of passion are usually committed by a lover (or an ex), no? That said, I don’t think he’s capable of hurting a fly, let alone me. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-the-most-least-likely-suspect-in-your-murder/405892/4 "2007-05-29T13:50:16Z")
Easily. But the list would be a rather long one, as it would include any number of my former students. The above is the answer to **both** questions. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-the-most-least-likely-suspect-in-your-murder/405892/5 "2007-05-29T13:58:56Z")
Not that they would want to kill me, but the person who would be under most suspicion would of course be my SO. He has the motive, I guess (life insurance), the intelligence to do it, and the opportunity. But if he did it no one would ever know. :eek: On the other hand, the person who I would never believe had killed me would also be my SO. He’s the most law-abiding guy I know, and would never do something of the sort…the boy doesn’t even jaywalk for Og’s sake. As to who would want to? I don’t make enemies that easily . I suppose there is a girl, but she hopefully hardly thinks of me anymore, since she’s got so many other problems, what with having the baby and her boyfriend dumping her once he found out she’d lied about the birth control. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-the-most-least-likely-suspect-in-your-murder/405892/6 "2007-05-29T14:16:15Z")
[QUOTE=GuyNblueJeans] I can’t go into details because there are too many, sorry. … There is one person in the world that would love to harm me in the worst imaginable way, but she’s restricted (I deduce) by spiritual principles, as the reality we share and war in is at a level where God/Jesus directly officiates, as it were, and what they decide stands… On the other side of the coin of me deciding I had no choice but to travel to where she lives and end her with a bullet, it was made clear to me in a rather bizarre way that the rules are such that I’m not allowed to kill her, either. … Gerhart Riegner and I have something in common, sad to say. [/QUOTE] Please think about increasing your medication. Or maybe decreasing it. I don’t know which, but something is definitely off. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-the-most-least-likely-suspect-in-your-murder/405892/7 "2007-05-29T14:18:10Z")
[QUOTE=Anaamika] Not that they would want to kill me, but the person who would be under most suspicion would of course be my SO. He has the motive, I guess (life insurance), the intelligence to do it, and the opportunity. But if he did it no one would ever know. :eek: [/quote] Fear not, my love. You will be avenged. The monkeys have standing orders to, in the event you suffer a mysterious death/disappearance/financial reversal/big toe stubbing to first consume your SO’s beating heart, then investigate. ---
**Author:** ![Licentious\_Ectomorph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5e9695/32.png) [@Licentious\_Ectomorph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Licentious_Ectomorph)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-the-most-least-likely-suspect-in-your-murder/405892/8 "2007-05-29T14:31:43Z")
[QUOTE=Skald the Rhymer] Please think about increasing your medication. Or maybe decreasing it. I don’t know which, but something is definitely off. [/QUOTE] Thanks for saying what I was thinking. I’m not in the habit of being snarky on the boads, especially to people who haven’t personally attacked me, but… :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: . Apparently he and his sworn enemy are cosmic elemental forces of Good and Evil locked in epic battle for control of the universe, and God and Jesus have a personal stake in the outcome. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![GuyNblueJeans](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e9bcb4/32.png) [@GuyNblueJeans](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuyNblueJeans)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-the-most-least-likely-suspect-in-your-murder/405892/9 "2007-05-29T14:56:51Z")
I’ll do better than that; I’ll make it a point to not comment to your posts from now. Take care, Skaid the Rhymer. ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-the-most-least-likely-suspect-in-your-murder/405892/10 "2007-05-29T15:01:25Z")
No one would EVER want to kill me. Everyone LOVES me! Really! I swear!! Ok - nab the husband. He’d off me in a New York Minute. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-the-most-least-likely-suspect-in-your-murder/405892/11 "2007-05-29T15:02:14Z")
[QUOTE=GuyNblueJeans] I’ll do better than that; I’ll make it a point to not comment to your posts from now. Take care, Skaid the Rhymer. [/QUOTE] It’s supposed to be a fun, light-hearted thread. Skaldy makes great threads like this at least once a week. And you have to come in with your Holy War and your downer. This is why we think you need to rethink something, anyway - not being able to recognize a fun thing when you see one. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-the-most-least-likely-suspect-in-your-murder/405892/12 "2007-05-29T15:06:56Z")
[QUOTE=Licentious Ectomorph] Thanks for saying what I was thinking. I’m not in the habit of being snarky on the boads, especially to people who haven’t personally attacked me, but… :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: . Apparently he and his sworn enemy are cosmic elemental forces of Good and Evil locked in epic battle for control of the universe, and God and Jesus have a personal stake in the outcome. :dubious: [/QUOTE] Wait a minute…doesn’t that mean **I’M** probably his sworn enemy, what with me being all evil & stuff? Of couse, I’m not interested in controlling the universe. I mean, really. Imagine the paperwork. It’s just the third rock from Sol I want sovereignty over, and frankly after the conquest I plan to dump all the scut work on you and **Anaamika** and **Evil Captor**. Disclaimer: I just checked my list of sworn enemies whom the monkeys are ordered to hurl into the pits of live volcanoes atfirst opportunity, and **GuynBlueJeans** is not on it. No Doper is. Even **badchad** never made that list. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-the-most-least-likely-suspect-in-your-murder/405892/13 "2007-05-29T15:11:56Z")
What is scut work? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-the-most-least-likely-suspect-in-your-murder/405892/14 "2007-05-29T15:15:09Z")
[QUOTE=Anaamika] What is scut work? [/QUOTE] In general, or in your case? In general it’s the boring administrative stuff that has to be done to keep the wheels of society running. Keeping the trains running on time. Keeping the rat population down. Making sure the people in line to give Fred Phelps a kick in the nuts are polite to each other and don’t try to cut. That sorta thing. I’d never foist such boring tasks on you, of course. You get to name your own portfolio. ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-the-most-least-likely-suspect-in-your-murder/405892/15 "2007-05-29T15:16:01Z")
[QUOTE=Anaamika] What is scut work? [/QUOTE] [Crap no one else wants to do.](http://dictionary.reference.com/search?db=dictionary&q=scut+work)🙂 ETA - Sorry Skald - you beat me to it. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-the-most-least-likely-suspect-in-your-murder/405892/16 "2007-05-29T15:18:11Z")
[QUOTE=Skald the Rhymer] In general, or in your case? In general it’s the boring administrative stuff that has to be done to keep the wheels of society running. Keeping the trains running on time. Keeping the rat population down. Making sure the people in line to give Fred Phelps a kick in the nuts are polite to each other and don’t try to cut. That sorta thing. I’d never foist such boring tasks on you, of course. You get to name your own portfolio. [/QUOTE] I don’t mind. In general, I like boring administrative tasks because they almost always have an answer. I am one of the people who fit right into this nitch. You can go ahead and rule the world, dear. ETA: Thanks also, Missy2U. ---
**Author:** ![Bobotheoptimist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/919ad9/32.png) [@Bobotheoptimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bobotheoptimist)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-the-most-least-likely-suspect-in-your-murder/405892/17 "2007-05-29T15:20:37Z")
The Pope has to be high on the list of suspects. I’d rather not go into details, it’s complicated. Trans-dimensional forces without that which we consider “names” and I have been fighting for years, so there’s them. Oddly enough I wouldn’t suspect many of my coworkers. Granted, some are afraid of me and so wouldn’t take the risk, but most have bought my friendly-chubby-guy act. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-the-most-least-likely-suspect-in-your-murder/405892/18 "2007-05-29T15:29:47Z")
[QUOTE=Missy2U] [Crap no one else wants to do.](http://dictionary.reference.com/search?db=dictionary&q=scut+work)🙂 ETA - Sorry Skald - you beat me to it. [/QUOTE] Hey, you’re doing my scut work! Or I was doing yours. Or something. Anyway, you get to name your own portfolio too in the new regime too. (Subject to Mika’s priority, of course.) Answering my own OP: Most likely suspect: the lunatic ex-girlfriend who - cried for an hour-plus after ever orgasm (and yes, I actually timed it) and could neither be comforted nor left alone; - insisted that it was immoral for any woman to have an orgasm before her male partner; - was vexed by the fact that I enjoy doing laundry and cooking because it meant, in her eyes, that I had no room for a wife in my life; and - found that the best way to have an orgasm during sex was to (TMI coming) be repeatedly called a “dumb little cunt” during sex, both by her partner and herself. After [Del]I escaped[/del] we broke up, I eventually had to change my phone number and move to escape her. If I ever see her coming towards me while wearing a trenchcoat, I’m ducking behind the nearest tree. Least likely: my favorite niece. Actually I just mention her because she’s such an incredible little kid and the mere thought of her gives me a tiny bit of joy. [QUOTE=Anaamika] I don’t mind. In general, I like boring administrative tasks because they almost always have an answer. I am one of the people who fit right into this nitch. [/QUOTE] Fine. You’ll be in charge of coordinating of the evacuation of France; moving everyone who lives in Germany into what was France; moving everyone in Spain into the formery Germany; Poland to Spain; and France to Poland. ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-the-most-least-likely-suspect-in-your-murder/405892/19 "2007-05-29T17:23:04Z")
But… but… but… I’m a sweet fluffy little kitten of love and cuddly happiness! (It’s most likely my little brother. Tell you what, cops, I’ll just let you nab him now and save everybody the fuss… ;)) ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2007, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-the-most-least-likely-suspect-in-your-murder/405892/20 "2007-05-29T18:58:41Z")
[QUOTE=Skald the Rhymer] Fine. You’ll be in charge of coordinating of the evacuation of France; moving everyone who lives in Germany into what was France; moving everyone in Spain into the formery Germany; Poland to Spain; and France to Poland. [/QUOTE] But why? _shrugs_ Ah well. I’m used to doing tasks with no apparent reason. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/whos-the-most-least-likely-suspect-in-your-murder/405892.md?page=2)