# Why a guy would be ashamed of their attraction to a heavy set woman **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 1, 2018, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587 "2018-04-01T16:10:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Lost\_girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e79b87/32.png) [@Lost\_girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lost_girl)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2018, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587/21 "2018-04-02T02:11:10Z")
> [@DavidwithanR](#): > > I think there are actual conflicting ideals within an individual of what is attractive, not **just** “what attracts you” against “what others think should attract you” (though certainly that’s part of it. > > I don’t think it’s as simple as skin-deep beauty vs the other kind of beauty either, though again that’s certainly part of it. > > There are, at the least: > > - attraction (real attraction) based on the status value of a certain appearance > > - attraction based on the observer’s sexual desire, or lust if you prefer that term > > - attraction based on the observer’s (flawed) perception of the sexual desire being felt by the one observed > > I’m sure there are more, and also sure that the reality is not a choice between discrete states, but rather some kind of combination or overlap that might be unique to each person. I honestly can’t recall since my teens when looks attracted me to a man. Yeah toothless Larry’s or Billy Bob’s aren’t included. ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2018, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587/22 "2018-04-02T02:24:05Z")
> [@Lost\_girl](#): > > Not morbidly, but yes about 30-40 pounds over weight. > > I don’t see how you could be ashamed of something one finds appealing. Yeah, actions are shame worthy, a prison record, maybe even how one treats others but idk. If I like something, I’m owning everything about my liking. > > That’s only society, and what society says we should desire. We live our lives daily not with society as a whole but as individuals. So this is where I disagree. Sculpting ourselves, our desires, based upon false truths would be something I would be ashamed of. I agree. And, on a separate but related note, the people I find most attractive are women in that range of several dozen over. I’m perfectly comfortable if the rest of the world happens to notice. ---
**Author:** ![Lost\_girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e79b87/32.png) [@Lost\_girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lost_girl)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2018, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587/23 "2018-04-02T03:40:07Z")
> [@The\_King\_of\_Soup](#): > > **Lost girl** , I’d like to know more about what you’re seeing/hearing/experiencing that you feel expresses shame in the men who are attracted to you (I assume they’re not explicitly telling you so). Not to diminish your assessment, it’s certainly what my favorite professor would have called “cogitable” but sometimes men are just clods, for selfish or sexist or neurotic or idiosyncratic reasons that you won’t know about until you have talked to them enough to dig it out. Fortunately, while most men lie a lot, almost none of them do it with any skill whatever, so this step doesn’t take long. > > Not introducing you to his friends and family is something skinny girls complain about too. Acting weird and cryptic is something guys with wives or other girlfriends or hang-ups about long-term relationships do, regardless of the size of the woman to whom they’re attracted. Watching porn is something guys do…period, apparently. But the porn they watch has little or nothing to do with the sex they expect (you know why, right?). > > Full disclosure: I married a heavy woman and for twenty years (that’s wrong: I mean I still could) I could tell her truthfully that I thought she was beautiful. When she got stressed out about her weight (which was often) I either encouraged her to exercise, or, alternately, I bought her books that encouraged the idea that fat wasn’t necessarily unhealthy, as long as good nutrition and a little exercise was part of our lives. I was never once ashamed of her: she was beautiful and smart and talented and charming. But sometimes, when she felt down, she would tell me she felt unloved because she was overweight. Maybe it was something I did, but she could never tell me what. I’d kind of like to have that back, and try harder this time. > > Eventually she had (not at my advice) an operation and lost a lot of weight and a while later started getting a lot of attention from men who suddenly saw what I had seen for a long time. I was not being a very good husband at the time, and we were divorced a short time later. This does not mean she had become more beautiful. > > Relationships succeed and fail all the time. We tend to blame ourselves (in my case that’s probably correct), and one of the most pernicious ways to do that is to blow up a perceived flaw in ourselves and guess that our significant other has suddenly discovered it, when in reality they either didn’t notice at all or saw it at first glance and didn’t care. > > In any event, good luck with your future relationships. Re-entering society after 15+ yrs of polluted views and trying to build a new life, I now know everything really does matter. In order to be the best I can be, understanding is key for me. Over said years i gained weight over time. Things were said to me, some still do, all while I’m struggling to accept and love my self as I am, which I’ve succeeded in doing. What has been said to me and about me doesn’t hold any power in my opinion of myself. Most opinions are dust in the wind, I care not why they even form them. But some count, being able to understand how and why they are formed helps me properly value them emotionally, also I know where to stack people on my totem pole. It’s just negative input from wrong sources. I’ve allowed myself to believe when people HAVE IN MY FACE TOLD ME that I should expect from others. Porn, ha porn. Well I haven’t watched much, actualy kinda intrigued to find out how watching porn could do for me. Wow, being a supportive husband, tending to his wife’s emotions is awesome. Ya know being active, actively putting health and wellness as a main priority in life would have definitely eliminated the surgery. That’s sad that she chose to mechanically alter her body just for asteic purposes. I don’t agree with weightloss surgery at all. Thank you, you’ve brought a new understanding to my so called thought process! Any good woman would be a fool to see a man that looks back, understands, and wants to make it twice as nice, and she not want that back too. Yes a fool she would be, so yeah good luck to you! ---
**Author:** ![Lost\_girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e79b87/32.png) [@Lost\_girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lost_girl)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2018, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587/24 "2018-04-02T05:30:00Z")
> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > Big girls and mopeds–both are a lot of fun, until your friends see you with one. > > **Wesley Clark** got it I think. Everybody thinks they know what will make them happy, and societal approval can be a curiously important factor in that happiness. As a wimpy little bitch, I’ve been more concerned with how a lady is going to treat me than with how desirable her appearance might be to someone else. Eye candy is nice, but gets old fast when it treats you like crap. Wimpy little bitch to me is not an accurate description, unless your trying to bring it new meaning. Eye candy is a shiny but temporary cover for shit. Believe this or not but I honestly, for lack of better words, been brainwashed into believing everybody does and will treat me as what I’ve known. Words, yes just words online but it’s a shiny star. Being my first post on here, I definitely say it was a smart decision. There really are some evil folks, but perhaps not all are rotten. ---
**Author:** ![anomalous1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e56c9b/32.png) [@anomalous1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anomalous1)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2018, 8:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587/25 "2018-04-02T08:41:17Z")
> [@Shalmanese](#): > > Toxic Masculinity. Men are fed from a young age right and wrong ways to be a man and those values become embedded and reinforced by society. One of those ways that men are taught is that there’s a rigid and narrow range of feminine beauty and anything outside of that range is deviance and fetishism. Men who never let go of their toxic masculinity upbringing thus feel shame at their abnormal deviance and seek to hide it from their peers. This is not correct. This is a blanket statement that shrewdly alludes to all masculinity being “toxic” and steams of being a stealthy sociopolitical statement. Being masculine does not make one an asshole that wants to get with a BBW in secret and lie about it or be ashamed of it in front of friends, it just makes that man insecure and not confident, both of which are counter to the requirements of being the stereotypical “masculine” male. What OP is speaking of are just insecure man-children who cannot think for themselves and let society/media influence what is acceptable for them, also something that is not “manly”. Real men don’t hit women, treat them as a commodity or judge them for their size, all of which are traits of an insecure “non manly” male. A real man has integrity and stands up for what he believes in and likes, and treats women well, regardless of what others think or whine about. Back to the Topic at hand. Big women are just as beautiful if not more than the brainless ones with the figure of a two by four. There are of course limits, the only line that could cross into “fetishism” is when the person is akin to the mom from “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”. That is just purely not attractive. OP, if someone is not interested because of your thickness, they are not true men. A person can weed out the ones who will just waste their time as they are little insecure boys. I heard this before in a discussion about this same subject. “The meat is for the Man, the bones are for the Dog” ---
**Author:** ![anomalous1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e56c9b/32.png) [@anomalous1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anomalous1)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2018, 8:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587/26 "2018-04-02T08:51:33Z")
> [@Wesley\_Clark](#): > > 30-40 pounds overweight isn’t really heavy set. That is the average bodytype in modern society. > > People who work in fast food aren’t going to be as proud of their careers as physicians because one career has more status than the other and shows you bring more value to the economic marketplace. Its just the way it is. One has more prestige than the other. Humans are social animals, and the ones with the highest status tend to have the best survival outcomes. So people are very status conscious and always will be. Doing things that imply you lack status or value are things people will generally hide. Agreed Honestly, 30-40LBS is nothing! That doesn’t even count for a woman being “Big” or “Thick” in my opinion, it’s more preferable than being the skin and bones type. On the note about prestige and highest status, wouldn’t it only make sense from an evolutionary perspective for men to want and desire women with some extra pounds? ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2018, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587/27 "2018-04-02T13:22:51Z")
> [@Lost\_girl](#): > > Wimpy little bitch … was referring to myself. I don’t know whether or not you’re wimpy or a bitch. ---
**Author:** ![steronz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steronz/32/11765_2.png) [@steronz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/steronz)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2018, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587/28 "2018-04-02T14:12:17Z")
I don’t know of anyone who’s attracted to overweight women and ashamed of it – maybe they’re out there and are just good at keeping secrets. I will say that as someone who’s attracted to slightly overweight women and not ashamed of it, it doesn’t really come up in conversation a lot. That said, I think there’s a difference between a basic attraction and everything else that goes into choosing a life partner. I’d love my wife no matter what she looked like, but I’d prioritize being healthy, active, and living a long life over physical appearance. If she were to put on 20 attractive pounds and gain some knee pain as a result, that’s no good. ---
**Author:** ![Aji\_de\_Gallina](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aji_de_gallina/32/260_2.png) [@Aji\_de\_Gallina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aji_de_Gallina)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2018, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587/29 "2018-04-02T15:36:39Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > That’s at least 80% of it right there. Society has also conditioned people into thinking there are things they _should_ and _should not_ desire. > > Fortunately these days more and more people are able to overcome that and find what they really desire. No, nothing like 80%. Men in all cultures like pretty women in devastating numbers, and they settle for less pretty ones, prioritising other aspects. However, liking pretty women over non-pretty ones is in our genes, not society. How society deals with deviations from the norm may be different. > [@Shalmanese](#): > > Toxic Masculinity. Men are fed from a young age right and wrong ways to be a man and those values become embedded and reinforced by society. One of those ways that men are taught is that there’s a rigid and narrow range of feminine beauty and anything outside of that range is deviance and fetishism. Men who never let go of their toxic masculinity upbringing thus feel shame at their abnormal deviance and seek to hide it from their peers. “Toxic masculinity” is an invented concept to put down any masculine expression that some people don’t like. Labelling as such precludes conversation or dialogue and is an easy escape from debate. > [@Leaffan](#): > > I’m pretty sure I wasn’t raised in a “Toxic Masculinity” environment. I would hope this holds true for all but a very small number of men. Exactly. Although if your dad played catch with you and didn’t force your sister, who didn’t like it, into doing it, he had “toxic masculinity” or something like that. > [@anomalous1](#): > > This is not correct. This is a blanket statement that shrewdly alludes to all masculinity being “toxic” and steams of being a stealthy sociopolitical statement. Agreed 1000% > [@](#): > > Being masculine does not make one an asshole that wants to get with a BBW in secret and lie about it or be ashamed of it in front of friends, it just makes that man insecure and not confident, both of which are counter to the requirements of being the stereotypical “masculine” male. Being accepted in your social group is very important for most people and going against the grain is always a difficult choice. I almost never drink and, even if there was no real pressure, it was always “come on, join us” and it was 15 years until nobody asked me to drink, even as a joke. The easy part is to fake liking beers, drink two and be done with it. > [@](#): > > What OP is speaking of are just insecure man-children who cannot think for themselves and let society/media influence what is acceptable for them, also something that is not “manly”. Dating “below” your attractiveness level is inherently different for men than for women. Men are more visual in their preference. Good looking women can take an ugly man far more easily than the reverser and not for societal reason but for genetic ones, reinforced by society. > [@](#): > > Real men don’t hit women, Agreed, but also real women don’t look or settle for violent men. > [@](#): > > treat them as a commodity Agreed > [@](#): > > or judge them for their size, Disagreed. For my sexual preferences I will judge as I please and so will women. If I like skinny girls and not chubby ones, there is nothing wrong or toxic or insecure about it. Liking dumb women is no worse than liking intelligent ones. To each their own. > [@](#): > > all of which are traits of an insecure “non manly” male. Not quite agree. > [@](#): > > A real man has integrity and stands up for what he believes in and likes, Who decides what a real man is? I hope it’s not you. Also, standing up for what one believes is good, but you can’t go making a fuss about everthing and avoiding conflict can be useful. > [@](#): > > and treats women well, regardless of what others think or whine about. Treats people well, not just women. > [@](#): > > Back to the Topic at hand. OK. > [@](#): > > Big women are just as beautiful if not more than the brainless ones with the figure of a two by four. If you’re talking about yourself, perfect, but you’re, surprisingly, demeaning women for not looking like you prefer. Some men like “flat” women. As a more than general rule, the fatter you get, the less attractive you get to the general population and appealing to ever diminishing number of, in this case, men. > [@](#): > > There are of course limits, the only line that could cross into “fetishism” is when the person is akin to the mom from “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”. That is just purely not attractive. If you like 200kg women, more power to you. > [@](#): > > OP, if someone is not interested because of your thickness, they are not true men. No, they’re men who don’t like fat women, and that’s ok. > [@](#): > > A person can weed out the ones who will just waste their time as they are little insecure boys. Purity vows like that seem exhausting. > [@](#): > > I heard this before in a discussion about this same subject. > > “The meat is for the Man, the bones are for the Dog” “Each man should choose the type of women they like without others judging” means something and you seem to have forgotten it. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2018, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587/30 "2018-04-02T20:01:56Z")
> [@anomalous1](#): > > What OP is speaking of are just insecure man-children who cannot think for themselves and let society/media influence what is acceptable for them, also something that is not “manly” This makes it sound as if men who don’t like fat women aren’t “smart” or “brave” enough to be attracted to fat women - when, in fact, many men are simply not attracted to fat women, period. > [@anomalous1](#): > > Big women are just as beautiful if not more than the brainless ones with the figure of a two by four. This is entirely subjective. This is like people who insist, “People of a certain race are just as attractive as people of another race.” You can insist on that as much as you want, but ultimately, people’s behavior will prove it to be true or untrue. ---
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2018, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587/31 "2018-04-02T21:28:18Z")
> [@anomalous1](#): > > Agreed > > Honestly, 30-40LBS is nothing! That doesn’t even count for a woman being “Big” or “Thick” in my opinion, it’s more preferable than being the skin and bones type. On the note about prestige and highest status, wouldn’t it only make sense from an evolutionary perspective for men to want and desire women with some extra pounds? Totally. Since adulthood, I don’t think I’ve been in that range – as in, I’ve always been more than 30-40 lbs overweight. But I carried it well most of the time (now I’ve got baby weight in all the wrong places that I haven’t lost yet, but that’s another story). Yet, I still managed to have a fairly active dating life and found a husband who loves my curvy, soft body. As far as from an evolutionary perspective, part of the reason I have the extra weight (that’s so hard to lose) is due to a condition that causes _infertility_. I have PCOS, and one of the most common side effects is central obesity. Sure, usually some extra padding is an indicator of fertility, but sometimes it’s a sneaky little mofo. Historically, it was seen as an indicator of social class to be fat, too. If you were skinny, it meant that you did physical labor for work and didn’t have enough resources to feed yourself well. The best chicks were the fat chicks; wealthy, well fed, able to bear children, etc. Heck, Tevye dreams about his wife having a proper double chin during _Fiddler on the Roof_. But lately, the most socially desirable women were the skinny women who had time to work out, hire nutritionists, eat selective diets, etc. It’s usually an indicator of having resources. And in a capitalist society like ours, socially desirable is king. _sorry if this kind of zig-zagged. It made sense as it was coming out of my head._ ---
**Author:** ![Lost\_girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e79b87/32.png) [@Lost\_girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lost_girl)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2018, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587/32 "2018-04-02T22:08:34Z")
> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > was referring to myself. I don’t know whether or not you’re wimpy or a bitch. No, i was trying to say is, if your more worried how a lady will treat you rather than how others accept her appearance that doesn’t correlate anywhere with being a wimpy little bitch. Quite the opposite if you ask me ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2018, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587/33 "2018-04-02T22:22:45Z")
> [@Lost\_girl](#): > > Wimpy little bitch to me is not an accurate description, unless your trying to bring it new meaning. Eye candy is a shiny but temporary cover for shit. > > Believe this or not but I honestly, for lack of better words, been brainwashed into believing everybody does and will treat me as what I’ve known. Words, yes just words online but it’s a shiny star. Being my first post on here, I definitely say it was a smart decision. There really are some evil folks, but perhaps not all are rotten. How old are you? Are you young and someone who has a long history of feeling rejected and defective? Feeling comfortable in your own skin is fine. But do you know why being rejected or feeling inferior hurts? Because humans are social animals. And among social animals, status is important. Part of growing up is finding the balance between social obligations and self acceptance. > [@Aji\_de\_Gallina](#): > > “Toxic masculinity” is an invented concept to put down any masculine expression that some people don’t like. Labelling as such precludes conversation or dialogue and is an easy escape from debate. I disagree. Toxic masculinity is when men are straight-jacketed into gender roles that make them dysfunctional. Gender roles where men can’t ask for help or show weakness, and the only emotions they can show are anger and rage. Those suck, and they suck just as bad as the gender roles that say women can’t work in science or handle responsibility. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2018, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587/34 "2018-04-02T22:41:18Z")
> [@anomalous1](#): > > Big women are just as beautiful if not more than the brainless ones with the figure of a two by four. There are of course limits, the only line that could cross into “fetishism” is when the person is akin to the mom from “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”. That is just purely not attractive. > > OP, if someone is not interested because of your thickness, they are not true men. A person can weed out the ones who will just waste their time as they are little insecure boys. > > I heard this before in a discussion about this same subject. > > “The meat is for the Man, the bones are for the Dog” What an awful thing to say. People come in all shapes and sizes and people’s attraction to others comes in all different forms. Why not just leave it at that and not castigate people who happen to be very thin or very fat? ---
**Author:** ![anomalous1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e56c9b/32.png) [@anomalous1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anomalous1)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2018, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587/35 "2018-04-02T23:00:42Z")
To reply to\*\* Gigi\*\*, **Velocity** and **Aji** Confused with the replies, maybe I worded it wrong (it was late when I posted). That is what I am saying, it all depends on personal preference, I am not reflecting my own preference on the matter nor saying all thin people or all larger people are bad, or those who have a preference for either of them are. To the beholder one can easily be just as beautiful as another is my point. It all depends on the person really. My apologies if that part sounded like a blanket statement, not my intention. ---
**Author:** ![anomalous1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e56c9b/32.png) [@anomalous1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anomalous1)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2018, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587/36 "2018-04-02T23:04:01Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > This makes it sound as if men who don’t like fat women aren’t “smart” or “brave” enough to be attracted to fat women - when, in fact, many men are simply not attracted to fat women, period. > > This is entirely subjective. This is like people who insist, “People of a certain race are just as attractive as people of another race.” You can insist on that as much as you want, but ultimately, people’s behavior will prove it to be true or untrue. Yeah, I didn’t mean for it to sound like that, like I am shaming people or something for not dating a larger person, or someone outside of their preference that absolutely wasn’t my intention. It really depends on the persons. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2018, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587/37 "2018-04-02T23:42:44Z")
Thanks for the clarification! ---
**Author:** ![Shalmanese](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shalmanese](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shalmanese)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2018, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587/38 "2018-04-03T00:10:50Z")
I didn’t think this still had to be said but Toxic Masculinity does not and has never suggested that all masculinity is toxic. It’s pointing out the fact that elements of traditional patriarchal society isn’t just bad for women, it also polices men in a way that is devastating. ---
**Author:** ![Lost\_girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e79b87/32.png) [@Lost\_girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lost_girl)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2018, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587/39 "2018-04-03T03:38:21Z")
> [@Wesley\_Clark](#): > > How old are you? Are you young and someone who has a long history of feeling rejected and defective? > > Feeling comfortable in your own skin is fine. But do you know why being rejected or feeling inferior hurts? Because humans are social animals. And among social animals, status is important. > > Part of growing up is finding the balance between social obligations and self acceptance. > > I disagree. Toxic masculinity is when men are straight-jacketed into gender roles that make them dysfunctional. Gender roles where men can’t ask for help or show weakness, and the only emotions they can show are anger and rage. Those suck, and they suck just as bad as the gender roles that say women can’t work in science or handle responsibility. I usually try and refrain from negative. I think I’ll indulge just once. No I am not young, I’m 36. Perhaps I’ve been sheltered, mind effed, and abused in every way possible. But that’s not what I inquiring about. Some of us have really lived lives that most don’t and can’t ever wrap their tiny brains around. I was put away on on a shelf for years and treated as such and more but that’s as far as I want to go with that. So I was honestly wanting to know an answer. This shelf putting person treatment came across to me in one way and that was as being ashamed of me. Also the same said person made me believe that everyone man that I would ever come in contact with would treat me the same, they would be ashamed of me. So I honestly was seeking a non biased answer for my emotional future reference. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2018, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587/40 "2018-04-03T18:09:43Z")
Well, the person who said that every man you met who was attracted to you would be ashamed of it was wrong. Maybe some of them will be. It’s up to you to decide whether or not you want to have anything to do with them. And I mean that seriously - if you decide not to date them, it doesn’t make them wrong. It just means they’re not for you. Regards, Shodan [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-a-guy-would-be-ashamed-of-their-attraction-to-a-heavy-set-woman/811587.md?page=3)