# Why all of the stigma on quiet people? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 15, 2003, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783 "2003-04-15T01:29:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Dogface](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9d8465/32.png) [@Dogface](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogface)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2003, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/21 "2003-04-15T14:05:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by BrotherCadfael \* > \*\*Because every time they catch a serial killer with a freezer full of…[Fox Mulder]snack food[/Fox Mulder], the nice little old lady next door always says: > > “He was such a quiet boy” \*\* The press intentionally seeks out people who will say things like that. It’s not “news” (nor does it confirm the prejudices of the public) to have somebody say “Yeah, that guy was a creep from the get-go. I knew it had to be him!” Oddly enough, from what I recall of early coverage of Jeffry Dahmer (mostly local press), you didn’t get any of the “He was such a quiet boy.” nonsense. It was only when the national jackals got into the act, interviewing people who had never actually known him, that the old lie was perpetrated. I would wager that if 100 random people who happened to share a bus ride or work in the same factory or live within three miles of you were interviewed about you, the vast majority would say that you didn’t do anything to draw attention to yourself. In other words, you’d get the same image from the press that a “classic” serial killer gets. The reason that quiet people are so despised is that monkeys can’t stand a non-chatterer. It frightens the stupid to imagine that somebody might be THINKING for a change. ---
**Author:** ![Dogface](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9d8465/32.png) [@Dogface](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogface)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2003, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/22 "2003-04-15T14:13:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kalhoun \* > \*\*The quiet guy…the loner…you’ve heard the stories. Nine times out of ten, that’s the guy who goes postal, shoots up the school, or stands on top of the belltower waving a rifle. \*\* Really? 90% of the time? What is the sums of squares on that? How about the Standard Error? Or are you just spewing crap? ---
**Author:** ![XJETGIRLX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9fc29f/32.png) [@XJETGIRLX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XJETGIRLX)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2003, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/23 "2003-04-15T14:24:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Murcielago \* > I found [this article](http://www.theatlantic.com/issues/2003/03/rauch.htm) about introverts a good read. **Murcielago** , fabulous article. Wonderful read, really. Thanks for posting it! Regarding the OP, my own take on this is that those who feel the need to constantly fill spaces with chatter are threatened in some way (whether they realize it or not) by those of us who seem content with silence. There seems to be the automatic justification that quiet = aloof = thinks they’re too good to suck up for attention from others. In a way that’s true, but not in the way that chatty people would think. I’m the quiet one, and I really do enjoy listening to others’ conversation for the most part. But at the same time I can take it or leave it. I don’t participate usually because I know that a) whatever meaningful things I may have to add to the conversation will be lost amongst those who don’t take the time to really digest the conent and b) it would be too exhausting both mentally and emotionally to invest what is necessary to actually care about what others have to say. Not that I’m trying to come off as aloof or uncaring, it’s just that 99% of the times I’ve been urged to ‘join in’ or been stigmatized for not speaking more it’s usually over something I’ve heard from a thousand other people, or something that’s been done to death. I pick and choose my conversations wisely, that’s all. ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2003, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/24 "2003-04-15T14:44:04Z")
Like it or not, **dogface** , the “he was such a quiet boy” line is indeed the cliche in such cases. Why do you take it so personally? ---
**Author:** ![handy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5a626/32.png) [@handy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handy)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2003, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/25 "2003-04-15T14:48:41Z")
Being Deaf, everyone is quiet to me…I don’t mind that too much & I get them to write stuff on paper so they can still talk & be quiet at the same time. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2003, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/26 "2003-04-15T14:52:32Z")
It’s a well known fact that quiet people masturbate on bunnies. ---
**Author:** ![neutron\_star](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/51bf81/32.png) [@neutron\_star](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neutron_star)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2003, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/27 "2003-04-15T15:04:24Z")
Ditto on pretty much everything everyone else has said. Also, I just wanted to say that I’m _sick, sick **sick** _ of the serial killer stereotype. I’ve actually had people walk up to me and say “Dude, you seem like a serial killer. You never say anything and you’re always frowning.” _sigh_ You know, whenever a child molester gets arrested, the first thing everyone says is how much he loved kids. How about I go down to the park, find some fathers playing with their children, and tell them they act like child molesters. Think that would go over well? A world engineered for extroverts can often be a struggle for us. As that article notes, what energizes an extrovert actually drains an introvert. For me, standing there and talking about the weather or some other such mundane crap for even a few minutes is simply exhausting. I’m not even too big on saying “hello” and “goodbye.” “Hello, fellow worker. I have not been in your presence for 'lo these sixteen hours. Now that I find myself in the same building with you, I must verbally acknowledge that fact and exchange pleasantries with you. Upon cessation of this thoroughly pointless exchange, I will move on to the next person and do the same.” Repeat several times a day, every day, for the rest of your life. ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2003, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/28 "2003-04-15T15:07:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Dogface \* > \*\*Really? 90% of the time? What is the sums of squares on that? How about the Standard Error? > > Or are you just spewing crap? \*\* Instead of 24 words, your post could have been said in one word… “CITE” Quit your rambling and incessant chatter. I’m tired now. I need a nap. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2003, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/29 "2003-04-15T15:09:44Z")
Dogface, honey…that’s called HUMOR. You know, little comments that make you giggle? Lighten the fuck up! ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2003, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/30 "2003-04-15T15:36:16Z")
[sub]mumble mumble mumble gun mumble mumble chest freezer mumble mumble mumble mumble pruning shears mumble mumble mumble[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![j.c](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/73ab20/32.png) [@j.c](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j.c)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2003, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/31 "2003-04-15T15:55:40Z")
Sadly, we Americans live in a society with the cultural norm of being outgoing and boisterous. Just luck. Sometimes the extroverts win, sometimes the introverts get the upper hand. In my general experience, non-quiet people suspect quiet types of: 1. Being quiet because they are unfriendly, or actually don’t like the NQP 2. Hiding something 3. Being insecure and therefore actually having a reason for being insecure unlike the NQPS who are going on and on about their low self-esteem at the top of their lungs to anyone who will listen 4. Being uncomfortable, which is a poor reflection on the friendliness of the NQP and therefore an insult. I don’t think any of the NQP suspicions are warranted, much, but there they are. If you want to avoid ill-will from the NQPs, do as **Neutron Star** suggests: "“Hello, fellow worker… Upon cessation of this thoroughly pointless exchange, I will move on to the next person and do the same.” And, to support **dogface** , serial killers are not particularly quiet types, although some of them are the type that other people don’t like talking with. Ted Bundy, Dahmer, and Gacey (sp??) were all widely liked by almost everyone… except that one quiet type who occasionally spoke up to say, “Don’t you think there’s something a little off with him?” 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2003, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/32 "2003-04-15T16:00:55Z")
I think the best answers to the OP’s question are those given by **Cessandra** and by the terrific article that **Murcielago** linked to. (Other posters have made some good points too.) I would add that it’s hard to let people know that you care about them or are interested in them or feel positively toward them without talking to them. But those of us who have gaps in our social skills or are out of practice don’t always know how to do this, at least without coming off as clumsy or intrusive. I am a Quiet Person. If you asked people who know me to describe me, this is probably the first thing they would come up with. It is, I believe, my biggest flaw. I hear people who can just talk and talk and talk, especially if they can manage to stay interesting, and I think, “How do they do that! I wish I could do that!” If I could change one thing about myself, it would be to make myself a better conversationalist, more easily able to talk to people. If only…—then maybe I could make friends, get dates, make connections, enjoy people’s company more, and have a better life. I think it was sometime in high school that I had the epiphany that, if I wanted to have friends, people would have to get to know me, and for that to happen, I’d have to talk to people. Duh! But knowing that I _should_ talk to people, and knowing how to/being able to, are two different things, and though I’ve gradually gotten better over the years, I still have a long way to go. As that article says, introverts “tend to think before talking, whereas extroverts tend to think _by_ talking.” Yep. Before I can speak, I have to think of what to say, and then how to say it, and by the time I’ve got the words all lined up, the opportunity has often passed. (If only you knew how long I had to think this over before writing/posting it!) People who do their thinking out loud, out in public, are easier to get to know. Oh, and sometimes the quiet person is the one whose interests or experiences don’t coincide with the rest of the group (like a non-fan in a group of sports fans, a non-parent in a group of parents talking about their kids, or an outsider in a group of professionals talking shop). Then the person who doesn’t say much because he doesn’t have anything much to contribute is seen as different (which he is, in a sense), uninterested and uninteresting, and maybe weird or stuck-up or elitist. ---
**Author:** ![Gorgon\_Heap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f475e1/32.png) [@Gorgon\_Heap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorgon_Heap)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2003, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/33 "2003-04-15T16:06:40Z")
This is a really interesting topic and it’s made me sit back to remember what I was like in my youth. My wife and I are opposites: She the extrovert and I the introvert. As the years have passed I’ve found that we are both melding a bit - I come out just a little more and she can actually sit down and be quiet for a while. That last bit is quit an improvement. She used to drive me crazy, especially in high school, when she never actually had anything interesting to say. ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2003, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/34 "2003-04-15T16:27:49Z")
I’m actually quite introverted personally, but have constructed a carefully crafted professional persona which is quite extroverted, so much so that my coworkers laugh when I claim to be shy. It may be a bit schitzo, but it seems to work. ---
**Author:** ![jellen92](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/6bbea6/32.png) [@jellen92](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jellen92)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2003, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/35 "2003-04-15T18:22:07Z")
People are sometimes intimidated by quiet people, it is nervewracking to start talking about something only to have no response or a disinterested look that makes you feel worthless. My brother is so quiet I sometimes avoid even trying to talk to him, he never replies to my questions, and never bothers to ask me questions. Sooo… we basically ignore each other. When you have to pull teeth to get a conversation, it is draining, and you feel bored. I also _respect_ the fact that some people don’t feel the need for incessant nervous chatter just to fill the quiet void, when it’s ok to be quiet sometimes. ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2003, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/36 "2003-04-15T18:37:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jellen92 \* > **When you have to pull teeth to get a conversation, it is draining, and you feel bored.** … and when you have to reseist getting dragged into someone else’s meaningless yapping just to cure their boredom instead of being permitted to simply enjoy your thoughts, it is draining, and you feel pissed. ---
**Author:** ![Intaglio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/71e660/32.png) [@Intaglio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intaglio)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2003, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/37 "2003-04-15T18:51:26Z")
I kind of like the stigma, it has come in handy - people don’t F with me or bother me too much. I just like to be left alone, and let me get my work done, I am not there to be Chatty Cathy. If I got something to say though, I say it, sometimes I just like to have peace and quiet. ---
**Author:** ![sidle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee59a6/32.png) [@sidle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sidle)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2003, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/38 "2003-04-15T18:57:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mephisto \* > \*\*Plus, it usually turns out that it’s the quiet kid who’s responsible for slaughtering everybody–you know, your Norman Bates types. \*\* Yep-you know-it’s always the quiet ones… “He kept to himself.” “He never bothered anybody.” etc. Being raised in a family of talkers, quiet people sometimes make me nervous. They’re shirking their social duties; not keeping up their end of polite conversation. OTOH, I dislike the nonstop talkers, the “let’s talk about me’s” so much more. I don’t know if there’s a stigma. I just wonder what they’re hiding! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![BuckleberryFerry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5f9b8f/32.png) [@BuckleberryFerry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BuckleberryFerry)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2003, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/39 "2003-04-15T19:14:09Z")
> [@](#): > > ## quote: > > ## Originally posted by jellen92 When you have to pull teeth to get a conversation, it is draining, and you feel bored. > > … and when you have to reseist getting dragged into someone else’s meaningless yapping just to cure their boredom instead of being permitted to simply enjoy your thoughts, it is draining, and you feel pissed. Amen. I won’t say you can’t imagine the discomfort, because clearly some of you can, but to be dragged into a fast paced conversation when you really feel more adequate with mulling things over (which is why I love this board setting), is, to me, incredibly offensive and painful. I can’t stand being asked ‘what’s wrong’ because I feel that if I wanted to tell you–I’d tell you. ---
**Author:** ![BuckleberryFerry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5f9b8f/32.png) [@BuckleberryFerry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BuckleberryFerry)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2003, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/40 "2003-04-15T19:23:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by sidle \* > **They’re [quiet people] shirking their social duties; not keeping up their end of polite conversation…\…I just wonder what they’re hiding!** I’m sorry if this becomes a double post, but I couldn’t let this slide. I’m not angry, but I find this post to be incredibly rude. To say that because I don’t want to enter what you call ‘polite conversation’ (which, by the way, I call a daily annoyance) I am ‘shirking’ ANY sort of ‘duty’ is a personal offense and incredibly untrue. I find it rude that I am expected to change my personality to amuse you (and I use ‘you’ in the collective sense–I’m not pointing at anyone specifically) in what I consider pointless conversation. To me, words are something to be treasured and revered, not tossed around because there is nothing to do, or because you feel obligated to acknowledge someone’s presence. Why is it that we are forced to adapt, when perhaps we are the ones in actual pain when it comes to conversation? Why is it you (collectively) cannot simply nod and smile, then move on to another who is more outspoken? Leave me to my thoughts or business, nod politely and take your expectations and demands elsewhere, for they will not be met here. And we are not “hiding” anything. We are trying our darnedest not to be exposed to the physical pain of conversation. Again, I am neither angry nor pointing fingers–some of my best friends are extroverts!!! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783.md?page=3)