# Why all of the stigma on quiet people? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 15, 2003, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783 "2003-04-15T01:29:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2003, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/61 "2003-04-16T00:01:07Z")
I haven’t seen too many familiar names in this thread, so maybe the laughter won’t be too loud if I chime in to say that I, too, am somewhat introverted. I’m also somewhat shy. This is due, in no small part, to the brutal reception I got from my heartless, little schoolmates when we moved to Mass., and they learned that I “talk funny”. (Meaning without a godawful Mass accent.) In spite of this, and probably because I am, by nature if not by nurture, social, I was a highly successful salesman and have excellent presentation skills. I was also among the most popular trainers, at a job I had a while back. However, I _do_ still dislike “small talk”. I can do it, and will if I have to, but I would _really_ prefer to avoid it. And, I also find shopping malls, busy clubs and, basically, any large group, tiring. I can’t really recommend that you take this as far as I’ve done but, FWIW, I’ll share one the tactics I’ve found to be most effective in dealing with those pushy extroverts. Like most introverts, when in meetings, my normal tendency is sit back, take in the discussion, and leave when it’s over, without having uttered a word. However, I’ve found that if, occasionally, I open my mouth long enough to demolish the house of cards some yacky bastard has built out of bullshit and bravado, they eventually learn that forcing me to speak up may not be such a good idea. It usually takes very few words (sometimes only one or two), and very little effort, because these ideas are so often founded on bullshit. Clean that out, and the rest falls. At the company I’ve been with for three years, now, some people seem to live in fear of me, when it comes to meetings. So, I’ve probably overdone it. But, it _is_ amusing to see the nervous glances from the speaker, and the hopeful looks from some coworkers, that dart in my direction when a speaker calls for questions. The looks from the coworkers are due to my having been the only one, for a long time, who was willing to burst some of our boss’s more absurd bubbles of bullshit. (I’m not his favorite person. 😃 ) Mind you, I’m not rude about it. (And, I haven’t, yet, yelled “Cite!” or “I’m calling bullshit!”, but I’m still a newbie, here. Give me time.) I’m just really good at poking holes in silly ideas. I suspect it’s an introvert trait. We think, rather than babbling. It also has the fringe benefit of causing my name to be left off more meeting invitations than would otherwise be the case. And, most of the time, these days, when I see those looks, I just smile to myself and sit back. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2003, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/62 "2003-04-16T00:55:41Z")
I’m very introverted. And I work with extroverts. I’m shy, but not necessarily quiet. Once I get in a conversation of interest, I’m almost “loud”. But I’m painfully shy and nervous around people who are in positions of authority. My problem is that I get tired. I get easily annoyed when I’m with loud and friendly people (especially those who are the slightest bit nosy). Whenever I go to out-of-town conferences with my coworkers, I end up hating them by the end of the trip. Little things start bothering me and I want to run away. My pet peeves usually revolve around extroverts and their quirks. The extroverts I know do not understand me at all. They don’t seem to realize that no matter how much I like them in one setting (like at school), I will probably never want to go out for drinks or go to their houses for dinner. Maybe if I really, really liked them, I would feel different. Otherwise, after work I go home and recuperate. On weekends, I don’t want to “hang out”. If people want to socialize with me, they had better do it at school when I’m “on”. I know I come across as mean or unfriendly sometimes. I’m very independent, which means that I can’t function when there are people all up in my face and my business ALL THE DING-DANG TIME. My circle of friends is small and I don’t have a SO, but I’m not really lonely. Maybe one day I’ll change though. Maybe I’ll find someone who understands me and likes me anyway. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![shy\_guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a6a055/32.png) [@shy\_guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shy_guy)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2003, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/63 "2003-04-16T01:45:57Z")
> [@](#): > > … and when you have to reseist getting dragged into someone else’s meaningless yapping just to cure their boredom instead of being permitted to simply enjoy your thoughts, it is draining, and you feel pissed. Yes, god, thank you. My favorite is “So, talk.” “… about what?” “I don’t know, you pick something.” What? I don’t want to talk in the first place, so now _I’m_ the one that has to pick the inane subject we’re going to be jawing about for the next 20 minutes? And let’s not pretend I’m going to actually be talking, I’ll say about one sentence and then listen to you yap on for the remainder of the conversation. How preferable to just sitting here and enjoying how nice it is outside or whatnot. Argh. I think I’m entering Pit territory, so I’ll cut it out. That article was fantastic, a link to it is going in my AIM profile so I can make sure that it’s read by anyone who has ever or will ever ask “how come you don’t talk?” And I do get along with alot of extroverted people, but I can handle intelligent extroverts. It’s when you ambush me and spend 30 minutes telling me about your boyfriend and how great/awful he is when you _just told me the same story the last time we talked_ that I start to cringe. I’m in awe of the fact that the article mentioned how physically draining it is for introverts to try to keep up with the extroverts. This is, in fact, why I choose to room with people that I don’t know in the dorms - no obligation to talk when I don’t want to. I just can’t keep up the 24/7 line of chatter that some people can manage. Nor would I want to. ---
**Author:** ![netscape\_6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/8c91f0/32.png) [@netscape\_6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/netscape_6)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2003, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/64 "2003-04-16T02:32:16Z")
i think i am introverted, i know i am not extraverted. it seemed to me sociel out goingness was the path to happiness. so i learned some of the skills. i devoleped a great since of humor, ect. i found i was more happy. however now when i get home i feel drained. sometimes i feel like i am just a shell. i am not naturally sociel. everything i do is calculated, acting. i feel like what i see me self as and whatother see me as is not what i truely am. i belive i am happier this way, but is increased happiness worth not being true to myself? sometimes i want to stop and think about something but i put in the back of my mind till i am alone. on thing i have noticed is idle chat and joking keeps the mind busy. less time to think is less time to worry. life is less stressfull if you don’t worry so much. some extraverts, i belive, get energized from chatter becouse it gives them a brake from the concerns of their life. ---
**Author:** ![Drex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/dc4da7/32.png) [@Drex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drex)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2003, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/65 "2003-04-16T05:34:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by shy guy \* > \*\*Yes, god, thank you. My favorite is > > “So, talk.” > “… about what?” > “I don’t know, you pick something.” > > What? I don’t want to talk in the first place, so now _I’m_ the one that has to pick the inane subject we’re going to be jawing about for the next 20 minutes? And let’s not pretend I’m going to actually be talking, I’ll say about one sentence and then listen to you yap on for the remainder of the conversation. Yes! This situation describes many conversations over the course of my life. Why ask me to talk when you’re just going to cut me off in mid sentence or mid thought with another five to ten minutes of non-stop talking? It honestly offends me when I’m asked to speak because the other person feels like they’ve been talking too much only to be cut off from my train of thought after only a few words come out of my mouth. It’s as though they ran out of ideas and need to use the first thing out of my mouth as a jumping off point for another torrent of babble, and to that end they were just _pretending_ to be interested in what I have to say so that I would actually say something. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2003, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/66 "2003-04-16T12:18:34Z")
A quirk that bugs the shit out of me. There’s a girl I work with in my lab. She’s very loud and boisterous and is one of those people who has to express every last one of her thoughts. If you make a small joke in front of her–one that wasn’t even that funny–she has to relay it to everyone by the end of the day. If you trip over a crack in the sidewalk, she has to tell everyone about it. If she was in a conversation with someone for more than five minutes, she has to tell everyone about it, including what they talked about. I don’t trust her with a secret or any kind of sensitive information, because I think it would be out her mouth the moment I say, “Don’t tell anyone.” ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2003, 12:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/67 "2003-04-16T12:29:51Z")
Monstro said, "The extroverts I know do not understand me at all. " Maybe if you talked a little more, they’d have a better handle on you! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2003, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/68 "2003-04-16T12:35:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by BrotherCadfael \* > \*\*I’m actually quite introverted personally, but have constructed a carefully crafted professional persona which is quite extroverted, so much so that my coworkers laugh when I claim to be shy. > > It may be a bit schitzo, but it seems to work. \*\* That’s what I call a “closet introvert.” Welcome to the club. Here’s your hat and reading light. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Agrippina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8797f3/32.png) [@Agrippina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agrippina)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2003, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/69 "2003-04-16T12:43:28Z")
My boss is the biggest extrovert around, and I’m the biggest introvert. It makes her uneasy, I know. She always mentions how I’m shy, but I don’t see that about myself at all. I just don’t have anything to say. One time it made her so uneasy that she said, “Tell me something about yourself.” “Like what?” “Oh, I don’t know. Anything. Oh I know! What’s your favorite color?” I wanted to say, “What is this, an Internet survey?” but didn’t. I answered her innane questions and went back to staring out the window (we travel around the area with our job—I work for an independent cleaning service). In fact I love my job 'cause I can be introverted. They tell me what to clean and I go and clean it and am lost in my thoughts. It’s those short bursts in the car where I’m in the passenger seat and my boss is in the driver’s seat that makes me want to put a nail through my eye. And the worst is when she’ll translate the conversation she just had with the girls in the backseat (they’re Mexican and speak very little English), so that I can join in. She’ll talk about how one of them is enrolling her daughter in pre-school and all I’ll say is, “Really? That’s neat.” I know that frustrates her to no end. I can’t help it though! If I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed. ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2003, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/70 "2003-04-16T13:20:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kalhoun \* > \*\*Maybe if you talked a little more, they’d have a better handle on you! 😉 \*\* Ah, spoken like a true extrovert. 🙂 This is not directed at you, **Kalhoun** , (especially since I know you’re wearing that _smoking_ hot outfit, today. 😉 ) but, maybe if the extroverts would just shut up for a second, their brains would kick in, and they’d be able to consider things from someone else’s point of view. For most of the extroverts I’ve met, the really extreme ones, that is, that would be a once in a lifetime event. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2003, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/71 "2003-04-16T13:28:14Z")
Ooooh Davebear! You noticed! (blushes…) I think there’s a middleground here somewhere. The extreme end (either end) of the spectrum is always going to annoy someone. I CAN be an extreme extrovert (just add wine and a lampshade ;)), but I don’t go prying into other people’s solitude. I’ve found that introverts tend to be more at ease around me because I don’t “demand” conversation. I just sort of bring it out in people some times. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being extremely extroverted, I guess I would fall in the 7.5 --\> 10 range. I’m almost never EVER a 4. ---
**Author:** ![dwc1970](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a183cd/32.png) [@dwc1970](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dwc1970)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2003, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/72 "2003-04-16T14:04:14Z")
I’m a Natural Born Introvert™. I’ve always been irritated by overly talkative people (think of the exchanges between Neal and Del in _Plains, Trains and Automobiles_). One thing I hate, for example, is when people will point out the weather just to make a meaningless conversation, as if I couldn’t see for myself what the weather is like. Even more irritating is the fact that I don’t agree with most people’s opinion of the weather (in other words, I like rainy and cloudy days), but that’s another rant altogether. Some of the people I went to school with could just not shut up, so they were always hogging the spotlight. They liked the attention and they got it (well, good for them!) I never realized until reading the article linked towards the beginning of this thread and the replies from other people, how tiring it is for me to be among other people who like to talk about whatever. I don’t really enjoy talking to other people by making up a bunch of idle chatter, anyway, and I don’t do so well in conversation unless it’s a topic I am genuinely interested in. Just yesterday I experienced this when I went to lunch with some other people with whom I only have a work relationship because we have a new guy on our team who had moved here from Atlanta (my team leader was going to buy us all lunch, so I figured why not). All the others in the group were outdoorsy types who like to hunt, fish, hike, etc., so they were telling him about all the great places to go around here for these activities. Since I don’t do most of these things I had very little to say. I just wanted to finish my lunch and get back to my desk. ---
**Author:** ![Dogface](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9d8465/32.png) [@Dogface](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogface)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2003, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/73 "2003-04-16T15:51:39Z")
Yapping for the sake of yapping is just a way to cover vapidity. ---
**Author:** ![Grim\_Beaker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/46a35a/32.png) [@Grim\_Beaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grim_Beaker)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2003, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/74 "2003-04-16T18:55:47Z")
A personal saying of mine that I’ve always felt to be true: “True friends can sit and say nothing for hours and not feel uncomfortable” Grim ---
**Author:** ![shy\_guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a6a055/32.png) [@shy\_guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shy_guy)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2003, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/75 "2003-04-16T19:04:40Z")
> [@](#): > > One time it made her so uneasy that she said, “Tell me something about yourself.” > “Like what?” This reminds me of something else that doesn’t really bother me, but I’ve begun to find really funny. Somone will ask me how my day was, and I generally say “fine.” I tend to say this whether I’ve had the best day of my life or the worst, because either way I usually don’t feel like relaying the entirety of the day’s events. The kicker is when I then say, “how was yours?” This, then, would be when the excessive extrovert literally spends at least half an hour telling me every single minute detail about their day. “Well, first I got up and brushed my teeth. Then I got dressed. Then I had breakfast. Then I went to class…” Fascinating! ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2003, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/76 "2003-04-16T19:35:54Z")
**shy guy** , you make a great point. I do the same thing. Q: How was your day? My Typical Answer: Fine. This is a great response to keep people off your back, even if it’s false. Answer I give to my gf: Good, bad, fine, etc. Usually a short response, always truthful. If she wants the details, she will ask for them. If not, she won’t. I have a friend who I used to call on a regular basis. We would interact and catch up on general things and events in about 15 minutes. All is good. Then, she would launch ad nauseum into detailed mundane accounts of her life for the next 30 minutes while I would sit quietly on the other end as the life got sucked out of me. When she sounded like she was done, I would hint that I have to hang up. She would say, ok, then launch into further similar stories for another 15 minutes, beating the life out of me even more. Even though I had questions for her, I didn’t dare ask any questions for fear of dragging the conversation on longer. Smile, nod, and agree. I started to look at my cell phone timer after talking to her. It showed that every time I spoke to her, I would be stuck listening to her ramblings for about an hour every time. I stopped calling her because, while I enjoyed simply catching up with her in 15 minutes, I hated being stuck on the phone for another 45 minutes while she beat the life out of me by talking too much about nothing. She started complaining that I never call her anymore. Eventually, I told her it was because every time we talk, it’s never for less than an hour, and with my schedule, I don’t have a full hour to spare just sitting on the phone. We’re still chummy, but we don’t talk as much anymore, which is ok by me. Another time: EXTROVERT: How are things going at work? ME: Good. EXTROVERT: (Stunned at my brief response) Good, that’s it? ME: Yeah. What else do you want to know? EXTROVERT: Well, what are you working on? ME: Well, since you asked… He only asked how things were going. I answered his question. If he wants me to elaborate, he will ask. If not, he won’t. I don’t assume people want me to elaborate. Maybe they don’t want to hear all the ins and outs of my life, and a general response will suffice for them. Look at this post! Now I’m rambling! :smack: ---
**Author:** ![flybynight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/71c47a/32.png) [@flybynight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flybynight)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2003, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/77 "2003-04-16T20:04:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by bean\_shadow \* > \*\*“Tell me something about yourself.” > > “Like what?” > > “Oh, I don’t know. Anything.” > > \*\* I’ve heard that so many times. My favorite is when that’s followed by, “Why don’t you tell me your life story?” Let me just say that, well, if I liked you, I’d be talking to you, and eventually you’d probably get to know my life story. Since I’m not talking to you, I probably can’t wait to be somewhere else right now! I’m not shy, and around people I like or get along with or actually _want_ to be with, I’m pretty extroverted. I just don’t like talking about crap with people I don’t know that well or don’t like (my boss for instance). If the conversation is a topic I like talking about with anyone, then I’ll usually talk whether I like the person/group or not. But _never_ ask my to tell you “something about myself,” or about my “life story,” or anything else of that nature. It won’t go over well with me, and I certainly won’t answer your question in any meaningful form. If it’s someone I won’t see again (airplane conversation, for instance), I’ll probably entertain myself by making things up… 😉 Hmm, seems like in my case, all the extrovert’s fears about what I may be thinking while I’m being quiet are probably true 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2003, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/78 "2003-04-16T20:46:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kalhoun \* > \*\*Ooooh Davebear! You noticed! (blushes…) > > …I’ve found that introverts tend to be more at ease around me because I don’t “demand” conversation. I just sort of bring it out in people some times. \*\* You apparently know how to get along with us, much moreso than most extroverts. 🙂 And, of COURSE I noticed. I even whistled, elsewhere. I’m still having trouble wrapping my mind around the concept of you wearing that outfit to work in an IT department, though. 😛 > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Bearflag70_ > \*\*Q: How was your day? > > My Typical Answer: Fine. > \*\* I think this may be one of the defining tests for introversion. If this describes you, you’re an introvert. ---
**Author:** ![sidle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee59a6/32.png) [@sidle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sidle)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2003, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/79 "2003-04-16T21:02:15Z")
Sorry guys-no offense intended. I really was somewhat joking. Besides, since the thread title asks “why the stigma?”, I was attempting to answer that in a general sense, not necessarily my personal feelings. Having been on both sides (quiet and painfully shy until about high school, then did an about-face) I feel qualified to speak about this. However, I DID note post that overtalkers are, IMO, much more annoying, and I noticed that that comment was conveniently ignored by those who objected to my post. (Geez-you quiet types are so _touchy_…) KIDDING! KIDDING! > [@](#): > > One of my favorite side effects of not talking much is that the garrulous people seem to assume that your opinions are right in line with theirs, even when that couldn’t be further from the truth. People will spill their guts to you if you just look attentive! Reminds me of **Lords of Discipline**. Pat Conroy describes himself as one of those types; he’d be merely looking at a person, not saying a word, no expression, and later come to find that they assumed he was agreeing with everything they said. Useful quality. ---
**Author:** ![amarinth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3be4f8/32.png) [@amarinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amarinth)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2003, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783/80 "2003-04-16T21:39:45Z")
I’m both shy and introverted. (Yes, I am incredibly insecure about how others perceive me, and yes, other people get exhausting. After a while, I just need time away.) though I know the two need not necessarily go together. Strangely, in college, some of my closest friends were extroverts. Hard extroverts. The kind that need people all the time. In some ways, it was great. We’d go places, and the extroverts would talk, and talk, and talk and so they’d fill the conversations, and I could rest. I know that for me, it’s somewhat of a problem, though I don’t want to be around people most of the time (introversion) there are times where I do - and can’t (shyness), which hurts friendships and has probably been part of what’s doomed me to being single forever. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-all-of-the-stigma-on-quiet-people/168783.md?page=5)