Thanks for the replies. I do accept my faults and the responsibility for them. Of course I have it better than a 40 year old crack whore or meth head. It would still be nice to figure out what I need to do to crack the glass ceiling above me, especially when I am I high performer.
Though this is purely speculation on my part, I think this could well be part of it.
Obviously, I don’t know you, and I’ve never worked with you. That said, if you’re proving to be competent at your job, but unable to get promoted, it may be that, if you’re seen as a negative person, or someone with whom your colleagues don’t enjoy working, your supervisors may be hesitant to promote you (especially if a promotion would put you into a supervisory or managerial role).
I understand that you may not want to share details, but if you’re getting performance appraisals, what are they saying? Are you being given areas in which your supervisors want to see you improve (and, if so, are they pointing to the same things over time)? Do you have anyone in your current job whom you trust enough to have an open conversation about how you’re viewed by others at your company?
Without knowing the specifics of your occupation, your strengths and weaknesses, and just how high your performance is, I don’t think we will be able you the feedback you are looking for.
I think most people have someone they work with who on paper seems to be doing all the right things but can’t seem to climb as far up on the totem pole as they want. I have a coworker like this. I could give you a list of WAGs for why his career has stalled, but they probably would not apply to you. And my WAGs could also be wrong.
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A lot of perception is how we deal with what happens - good and bad. Life isn’t fair, you can do all of the “right” things and it may still not work out, but how are you dealing with it? There is so much in life that is beyond our control, except maybe our attitude. That doesn’t mean you have to walk around like Pollyanna and always be cheerful and optimistic, but you also should not dwell on everything negative.
I have dealt with a lot, but overall, things are pretty okay. I could really wallow in the negative, but that accomplishes nothing.
I used to be the most happy go lucky guy in the world. After getting kicked repeatedly in the junk you kind of lose the positive emotion.
I like this. If there were a “Like” button around here, I’d have hit it. Instead, I’m creating a visual distraction to draw attention to your post.
But to the OP: I was a loser for a long time. Personal life in shambles in some form or another, career effectively stalled for over 15 years. At some point a couple years ago I stopped giving a shit and decided to just do what I could about the stuff I felt really mattered, but not at the expense of appreciating what hadn’t yet gone wrong. As a result, I started paying attention to what was going right, and generally disregarding the other stuff. I became better at what I liked paying attention to–and saw success happen for things I cared about. I stopped messing with things that I was obviously no good at–and stopped having to own those failures. It’d be easy to boil that down into some nice platitude about floating on your back down the stream of life vs. wearing yourself out swimming against the current, but I think the truth is somewhere between that and “I’ve been getting lucky for a change.”
I would suggest looking for a personal coach. I’ve seen others use them with extremely positive benefits. I’m speaking of a business coach, but there are lifestyle coaches as well.
I know it must be frustrating to constantly be trying and yet somehow unable to achieve what you want.
Have you talked to someone at your job about how best to get ahead? Someone who has the wisdom, knowledge, and experience to understand what separates the winners from the losers in your organization/industry?
Utlimately, you may have to accept that you have certain intractable personal or situational factors that make it difficult for you to reach the success you desire. But you shouldn’t resign yourself to that belief unless you have ruled out things that you can control. Like, if the people at your job who are identified as management material tend to have a certain credential and/or experience on their resume, then that’s a big clue that those without that crediential/experience are going to be paddling upstream.
Without knowing specifics about your situation, it’s hard to advise you why you aren’t succeeding. But don’t give up hope just yet.
I don’t know if I’d call the OP’s example a “loser”. Maybe not as successful as they’d like, but not really a loser either.
When I think of losers, I think of a certain sort of “sad-sack” person that I’ve known in my life who, for whatever reasons, manage to consistently and unspectactularly underperform, and sabotage any opportunities they may have to do better. They’re the kids who had solid C averages, and weren’t partying a lot. They’re the people who are working retail at 45 and aren’t managing the place. And so on. They’re not the sorts who do something cool and successful and then have that crash down around them, and they’re not the ones who are just dealt a complete shit hand with disabilities or other sorts of low value “life cards”. They’re the ones who don’t really have any reason for being chronically less successful except for the choices that they make, and the fact that they consistently make them. Kind of like real-life Al Bundys or Homer Simpsons, but without the luck and crazy stuff that befalls Homer.
It’s always seemed to me that a lot of them have barely adequate life skills- they went to college, but didn’t graduate, and then didn’t have a plan, so they fell into some sort of random job to pay the bills. And then got married and had a kid before they could get anything started. And so on and so forth…
How do you know you’ve “done everything right”? If it’s not working, it seems to me you’re not doing everything right. Try some honest self-reflection or finding a brutally honest friend.
I think the real problem is the media. They portray successful people as millionaires, or CEO’s who drive Jaguars. Obviously in RL less than 1000th of one percent of people do things like this. My sister owns her own company and she couldn’t afford a Jaguar.
Don’t let other people decide whether you’re a loser. Look hard at your life and decide for yourself.
I’m sure there was something when I was 25 that I did “wrong”. Not necessarily bad, but not the best decision.
There’s a lot of things that you could be describing, including (but not limited to) getting fired from a job for cause, or being arrested / convicted for something. And that’s assuming that you’re referring to an actual, specific incident that happened when you were 25 – I could also read your post as “I guess I probably did something ‘wrong’ at some point when I was 25 or so, but I have no idea what that would have been.”
Again, I’m not saying you should share every detail of your life here, but while it’s clear that you’re depressed about not feeling successful in your career and life, it’s going to be hard for any of us here to give you solid advice, because we’re all just guessing.
Ditto. I’m overqualified for much of what I want to do, because union contracts require I get paid more than employers want to pay. New grads are much cheaper.
I’ve moved jobs often, sometimes because I couldn’t work with my employer’s politics, philosophy, or theology. Sometimes because my spouse was moving and I would always go with him. Sometimes because I was demoralized by conditions and abuse and didn’t "bloom where I was planted."Sometimes because I was screwed, and at least once because I screwed up. Listening to friends in the same industry, I feel like I lost the administration lottery, because I hear others rave about how they love theirs.
My only experience is the industry that seems closed to me, and retail, which won’t pay enough. We’re stuck in a tiny town with few employment opportunities and not a lot of money to move.
I don’t want to be rich, but I would like to be able to pay the bills and buy new shoes when I need them. Our furniture isn’t high quality and wearing out, but we can’t replace any of it. I’d like to visit family more than once every 2-3 years.
I love my husband, and we have good friends. But I want a purpose.
Exactly what Celticknot said. For me the extra $30-50k and something a bit more interesting would be perfect.
UCBearcats, I think we could offer better advice if you provided a bit more detail on your situation. Otherwise the only thing we can offer is general, “feel-good” bits of wisdom.
I think being at the right place and time is a help.
Imagine if decades ago you had started to work at Microsoft even as a secretary or bookkeeper and then that company and your career with it and now your suddenly sitting on a pile of money from stock options.
This is what happened years ago at WalMart. Who would have believed this little company from nowhere Arkansas would grow so rich.
Apologies in advance, I’m not good at “feel-good” wisdom. I’m more of a “harsh-truth” kind of guy, and if you haven’t figured out that life isn’t fair yet, I think you need some harsh truths.
If you honestly think that because you’re not feeling 100% enthused about your career that means you’ve drawn the short straw in life, you are completely fucking wrong and need to get some fucking perspective. Have you ever had to scrounge food out of dumpsters to eat? Have you even ever wondered where you’r next meal is coming from? Have you ever had to sleep outside in freezing temperatures because you were homeless? If so, while you were sleeping on the street did you you ever get robbed, beaten, and then left bleeding on the road for dead? Have you ever been forced to compromise your morals just to survive another day?
You see, those are real problems that other people have all over the world. So when you only compare yourself to the top 10% and dismiss the fact that you are almost assuredly living better than 50% of the world, I don’t have a drop of sympathy for you. Look at all the human beings living on the street and just think for a moment on how much more you could actually lose. Take a moment and be thankful for what you have. If you have money in your pocket, food in your home, and a safe place to sleep, you are not a loser, you are actually doing better than the vast majority of the people on this planet. Act like it.
May or may not be relevant, but I thought of this thread when I read this today:
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Social mobility is pretty low worldwide but particularly bad in, say, the US
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Luck plays a big factor. I’ve had a long enough career that I’ve experienced both being the underappreciated dogsbody, not advancing for years, *and *being typecast as the “rising star” who gets all kinds of interesting offers while hardly trying. And, like many people, I have a “If that deal had gone through I’d be a multi-millionaire by now” story.
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The attributes useful for success are not necessarily taught in school. For example, in software engineering, one way you can make big bucks, without even being l33t, is to train yourself in a very new or obscure language or paradigm, and do contract work. And yes there’s risk with this strategy of course, but the point is, it’s something you basically have to realize and try out yourself. You could be top of your comp sci class and never think to do this, or have any knowledge how to.