# Why are some people such doormats? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 19, 2005, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-some-people-such-doormats/322308 "2005-09-19T02:23:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-some-people-such-doormats/322308/41 "2005-09-20T00:07:18Z")
> [@davenportavenger](#): > > That’s what you get for dating sorority girls. Plenty of normal girls want to spend nights alone. Your sample has skewed your perspective. Plenty of “normal” girls are in sororities too. > [@clairobscur](#): > > You seem to need to receive some yourself. His views about relationships is way healthier than yours. Right. That’s why I’m on an anonymous message board wondering if I should be mad because my girlfriend blew off our plans and then lied to me about where she’s going. > [@clairobscur](#): > > What’s the hell??? He described a single incident where she went out with friends instead of coming with him to some social event. That’s hardly “walking all over him”. And not making a big fuss about this doen’t qualify as “turning into a chump”. It’s called being level-headed and and being able to sort out what really matters and what doesn’t. It’s not like she was cheating on him with his best friend during the honeymoon before trying to poison him. It seems like sketchy behavior to me. Saying you’re going somewhere and then going somewhere else. Changing plans at the last minute. It’s not the behavior of someone who cares about you. It’s the behavior of someone who likes spending some time with you if they are bored. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-some-people-such-doormats/322308/42 "2005-09-20T01:16:15Z")
> [@](#): > > **msmith** : And most normal people don’t cancel something at the last minute to “be alone” unless they are sick. It’s usually that a bigger and better deal came along. I will have to agree with **Davenport** on this one. To this day I am much more likely to cancel plans just because I really don’t want to go out. (I’m moody and a little agoraphobic. Whut-the-hay, my husband won’t let me date anyway.) I do feel a bit of tenderness for people who _ask_ what they should be feeling: “Should I be mad about this?” I hope they learn to trust what they truly feel. And if they don’t know what they feel, I hope they know how to find out. There are some good books out there about getting out of the doormat state of mind. **Co-dependent No More** is a classic. There is another that is something like **How to Set Boundaries.** ---
**Author:** ![davenportavenger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5f8ce5/32.png) [@davenportavenger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/davenportavenger)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-some-people-such-doormats/322308/43 "2005-09-20T01:26:19Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Plenty of “normal” girls are in sororities too. I don’t think paying for friends is a sign of a well-adjusted individual. YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![MaddyStrut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dbc845/32.png) [@MaddyStrut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaddyStrut)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-some-people-such-doormats/322308/44 "2005-09-20T02:13:59Z")
Is there a middle ground here? You know, something in between saying “you pissed me off so I’m dumping you immediately” and “oh, it’s okay, don’t worry about it.” It doesn’t have to be a big confrontation if you address the issue up front. If you want your SO to accompany you to an event, you don’t say it’s okay that they don’t. I do think **wasson’s** girlfriend was wrong to even ask and seems to be a bit inconsiderate about getting everyone’s plans confused. It’s something that should be discussed. I’ve never been accused of being a doormat, but I wouldn’t break up with someone I liked on the basis of one bad act (provided they apologized and the act wasn’t something too bad). Now, if it happened again… By the way, I am crazy about my boyfriend, but there are nights I’d prefer to be alone. Most recently, I was just too damned exhausted to go out. I’d worked many long hours and had a crazy week with people wanting something from me every blasted minute of the day. By the time Friday night rolled around, all I wanted to do was go home where I didn’t have to talk to anyone and crawl right into bed. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-some-people-such-doormats/322308/45 "2005-09-20T02:34:24Z")
> [@davenportavenger](#): > > I don’t think paying for friends is a sign of a well-adjusted individual. YMMV. My thoughts on whether fraternities and sorrorities are a good or bad thing (as a member of a fraternity) are too complex to get into here. But I can tell you for a fact that neither Greeks nor GDIs hold a monopoly on psycho behavior. And for the record, you don’t pay for the friends. You pay for a place to live, eat, drink, smoke weed and get laid. Since you have to pay for a place to live anyway, you mind as well find a place with a group of guys you like hanging out with. Learn a little about what you are talking about before you make ignorant statements. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-some-people-such-doormats/322308/46 "2005-09-20T02:40:35Z")
> [@wasson](#): > > Let’s say I make plans with my girlfriend to see a movie. She decides a few hours before that she’s not in the mood for a movie, and she’d rather stay at home by herself, take a hot bath, listen to country music, and she’ll call me later. As long as she calls me later, I don’t think I’d be even the slightest bit bothered by her ditching our plans in favor of being by herself. I simply wouldn’t care. That’s a whole lot different from the situation you described in the other thread. Anybody can have a day when they’re tired, or simply want some quite time. OK, fine. In the other case she breaks a social engagement with you to “go see a baby”. But she skips out on the baby deal (if there ever was a baby deal) to go drinking with a group of friends in a bar. Then she hooks up with another group of friends and leaves the bar with them to go fuck around in a corn maze. She wasn’t tired or needing quiet time. She just figured out she would have a lot more fun out raising hell with her friends than honoring her commitment to you. Unless you take some measures, this will get worse, not better. ---
**Author:** ![davenportavenger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5f8ce5/32.png) [@davenportavenger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/davenportavenger)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-some-people-such-doormats/322308/47 "2005-09-20T02:44:51Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > My thoughts on whether fraternities and sorrorities are a good or bad thing (as a member of a fraternity) are too complex to get into here. But I can tell you for a fact that neither Greeks nor GDIs hold a monopoly on psycho behavior. Didn’t say they did. What’s a GDI? > [@](#): > > And for the record, you don’t pay for the friends. You pay for a place to live, eat, drink, smoke weed and get laid. Since you have to pay for a place to live anyway, you mind as well find a place with a group of guys you like hanging out with. Learn a little about what you are talking about before you make ignorant statements. Most of the sorority girls on my campus lived in the dorms. The sorority fee just paid for their dues; there were a few houses off campus but only something like twenty girls lived in all of them combined. Maybe it’s different with fraternities, don’t know. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-some-people-such-doormats/322308/48 "2005-09-20T03:49:11Z")
> [@davenportavenger](#): > > Didn’t say they did. What’s a GDI? God Damn Independent. Basically anyone who’s not Greek. And yes fraternities are similar. You pay some nominal dues to the national organization and some house dues that get pooled for throwing parties and whatnot as well as room and board. You certainly aren’t “buying friends” as there is no stipulation that anyone in the fraternity actually LIKE you once pledging ends. There are plenty of people in my fraternity who I couldn’t stand yet ended up in the same house with. > [@John Carter of Mars](#): > > …Then she hooks up with another group of friends and leaves the bar with them to go fuck around in a corn maze. Or as the Native Americans call it, a maize maze. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-some-people-such-doormats/322308/49 "2005-09-20T04:16:56Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Or as the Native Americans call it, a maize maze. Amazing things can happen in a maize maze. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-some-people-such-doormats/322308/50 "2005-09-20T05:55:47Z")
**msmith537** , this isn’t a poll-it’s a badly disguised pitting of females in general, and your girlfriend in particular. Go start a BBQ Pit thread, because I’m locking this down. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-some-people-such-doormats/322308.md?page=2)