Teenagers do things like this all the time because their brains are not fully functioning yet. Gray matter, which is essentially the “thinking” part of the brain develops like crazy during childhood, and takes a bit of a breather during adolescence. Also, the prefrontal cortex is the last area of the brain to fully develop, and it’s not quite there yet in your teens, and it controls impulse control, reasoning, judgment, planning, etc.
I wish I knew this when I was a teen. It would have been the perfect tidbit for when I had a very similar experience. It may have helped during the truly inspired lecturing my dad screamed at me upon finding beer bottles IN his bed, as well as in the linen closet, my brother’s room… the list goes on :smack: I did, however, learn from it and plan my parties much better in the future.
Being a teenager is a lot of fun. It’s the only time in your life when you can be a little bit hedonistic… No bills, no debt, just school, the occasional shift at the grocery store, and parties. I say, let them drink keg beer(responsibly)!
Actually, if you’re at all close, talk to him about it – conversationally. You might find out there’s some unhappiness or discontent there that you can help him with. It just might be simple teenage rebellion, but if this came out of the blue, use your older brother connection/influence/wisdom to give him an outlet to vent, or even just formulate expression for what he’s feeling right now.
I have sort of an older brother relationship with my nephew, who is the younger, better-behaved son of my sister. When he started acting out (big time) and bewildered my sister because she wasn’t exepcting anything like that from him, I acted as a go-between. I listened to and acted as a sounding board for both, trying as hard as I could to just reflect each back to the other the way I knew them (not what they were telling me about each other). I mainly reminded her how good a kid he was and asked if she expected him to never make a mistake. I let him know how neglected we were growning up and told him that the fact she was so hard on him was because she cared so much and that was her way of showing it.
It helped a lot, especially with my nephew. He’s 23 now, has two years of college (attending part-time) and owns his own house.
Why do you think auto insurance companies choose 25 as the age that they lower rates? Because until about that age, your brain isn’t hardwired to accept risks.
Some accept less risks, some more. But it isn’t like he’s some mutant.
Me too. However, someone did come back and TP our house after getting kicked out for being too rowdy. To add insult to injury (huh?), the couple next door ratted me out the moment my parents came home.
But hey, I ended being a respectable Doper. There’s hope for your brother yet!
I went to plenty of parties back in HS–and at not one of them did anyone puke in an inappropriate place (let me qualify that to inside, anyway), nor did stuff get broken. You get some loud music, a keg, some weed, males and females–maybe I just hung out with smarter people, but while there might have been a lot of noise and garbage, there was nothing like what you see on TV or in the movie 16 Candles or Risky Business. Maybe I was just lucky.
IMO, the parties can continue, but he needs to vet the guest list better–and lock stuff up.
It’s been said a million times in this thread… adolescents don’t have the impulse control that adults do, because it takes a while to wire one’s brain (and learn from experience). However, there is one antidote to this…
…the threat of getting your ass kicked by Mom and/or Dad. I certainly thought of doing some of this stuff, but the hell I would incur wouldn’t make it worth it. Some other dolt would take the risk. Not me.
The other factor is peer pressure. When other kids find out, there’s usually encouragement to throw a party. Reminding little bro that the party recommenders got off scot-free, while he’s in trouble, is a pretty good reminder. And having his (your?) shit stolen? He should have to replace them out of his pocket.
(HH, who attended a lot of these parties, but never threw one)
Yeah, I was gonna say, as you’re critiquing the ol’ risk/reward equation, don’t rule out the possibility of getting to third base for the first time (the 2nd through 23rd times are also pretty good as well).
Well, the one super-cliche house party I went to in high school actually turned out pretty well. No damage or theft, which is surprising considering all the damn meth that was smoked there. Thankfully, the tweak was concentrated among a minority of the partygoers.
Damn, that was one hell of a party. Thanks for reminding me. Sweet, sweet memories…
You only have to say “heck” if you’re not on pay-per-view.
My brother did the “big party while family’s away” thing all through high school. After one such party I returned home to find my room broken into, a locked filing cabinet pried open and the theft of most of my porn stash.
Just to be the devil’s advocate, how would you feel if your 15 year old, who you trusted to stay alone in your house, had some wild party when you were gone, trashed your home, and had hundreds of dollars worth of stuff stolen? Would you say, “the parties can continue”? I can’t imagine that you would.
I would be fucking PISSED OFF at my kid if he did what the OP’s brother did. That is a serious violation of trust on his part and it’s unacceptable behavior. It shows that he has no respect for his parents’ property. It’s not that he threw a party per se, it’s that he fucked up their house in such an egregious way, displaying several serious lapses in judgment. He should learn that there are consequences for such violations of trust, and learn it young so he doesn’t go on to bigger and worse mistakes.
Kids will be kids, it’s easy to say that, but come home to a house where your stuff is stolen and destroyed, I think you’d feel differently. My parents would have killed me. I’m barely being hyperbolic when I say that-- I cannot even contemplate what the consequences would have been, but suffice it to say they would have been drastic, painful, and draconian. Rightfully so.
I think this “so what, no biggie, this is what teens do” attitude is bullshit, really. I hope Yumblie’s parents are putting the fear of god into this kid. He was a selfish, inconsiderate jerk. It’s not OK to do that, and being 15 is no excuse. Make him work to pay for what was broken, ruined, and stolen, and don’t let him have the house to himself indefinitely, would be my verdict.
I don’t agree with your premise that teenagers are stupid. They are young enough to feel invulnerable, and old enough to have discovered that parties are fun. They’re even more fun when no parents are around to cramp their style.
My son had a party when he was 15 and I was away for the evening, out of town, planning to be home by 3 or 4 a.m. He never wanted to have a party again. It was crashed by a bunch of 20-somethings with beer, and some considerable havoc ensued.
When I got home, he was desperately trying to clean up. The police had made sure that the party ended. The next day, my neighbour came to the house and pointed out that beer bottles were littering the street, a result of the bash, so he had to go and clean all the broken bottles from our block. No, he never wanted another party.
ETA: I taught teens for over 30 years, so I wouldn’t generalize about them too much, they’re just people too, only less wrinkled than most of us.
Don’t take a position one way or the other about the party. It’s your parents place to be pissed off with him, not yours.
Kids from the same family can be very different. Be a good big brother or sister to him. Be open. Fifteen is a really sensitive age, especially when you have older siblings who seem to have everything together.
I am surprised your parents left a 15 year old alone with no supervision for an extended weekend. I am sure he can take care of himself but obviously is not mature enough for that type of responsibility or freedom.
Even if he did watch the TV show party problems, TV is not real, right? I am sure he thought he would get away with it.
It was not obvious. It was not his house. At that age most teenagers do not understand the meaning of hard work to buy things such as a house, furniture, video game systems. Kids at that age don’t think things through. They act on impulse.
Hopefully your parents will create a punishment to fit the crime. Having him work to pay off those stolen items would be a good way. Make him learn the value of a dollar and what it takes to buy such items.
He is not a monster. He is young and impulsive. Yes it was a dumb idea. That does not mean he is dumb.
How in the world did he turn out like this? Like what? A normal teenager?
Sometimes there is no vaster differences than the difference in siblings. My brother and I were like night and day. My own two kids are like night and day. People are different. Sometimes the only thing in common is that you share the same mother and father.
Woah there. Don’t blame his friends. You have already stated above that he will mostly likely find a way to blame others, are you already helping him do that?
Yes it is disappointing. Imagine how your parents feel. They trusted him and he let them down. Hopefully he feels regret and disappointment in himself as well. He broke a line of trust that will take a long time to build back up.
Hopefully if all goes right and he learns the consequences of his actions and he learns from this mistake this will be something ten years from now your whole family can laugh about as a childhood mishap.
Some of the fun times I have with my kids now, 17 and 19, is laughing at the dumb crap they did as when they were younger. I am still finding out about stuff I never knew about and I am sure once my daughter turns 18 there will be even more.
“You know about this much (holds hands indicating a ball), and your world is this big (slightly larger ball). So you think you know everything. But the World is…well, the size of this planet, and you’re going to spend the rest of your life learning just how much you don’t know.”
Teenagers worlds are very small and they have little experience in the larger world. It takes time, effort and mistakes to learn. We’ve all been there.
We have, but some of us make little mistakes, and some of us learn from the mistakes of others (even stupid sitcoms), and some of us make screw up our lives mistakes. Yumblie and his siblings apparently haven’t been there - not that far over there at least - and I never managed to get that far over there in high school either (and he’s likely much more closer to having been there than I am).
An out of control party is a medium mistake - not on the scale of driving drunk and killing your friends or getting pregnant at 16 - but its not a huge step to that (and an enabler to both those things for kids) - these parties DO end up in things getting stolen (thank God it was the video game systems and not Mom’s jewelry), things getting broken, kids getting drunk and driving (and the adults who “sponsored” the party being held responsible). Saying “kids are stupid” isn’t going to be a huge consolation when you are looking at unwanted pregnancy, STDs, drunk driving accidents, alcohol poisoning or addiction.
The guest list is VERY hard to control when you are fifteen. A friend’s brother did it by always having his brother (my friend) and his big college buddies there to bounce (or call the cops - but these were some fairly intimidating guys, so it never got there far).
He’ll probably out grow it - and he may learn to be smarter about it - but the road from fifteen to the early twenties when the stupid leaves is a long one, and there are lots of opportunities to screw up your life for good during that time. If Yumblie’s parents parent, and Yumblie and his siblings provide a little coaching, the outcome is likely to be better than if everyone says “kids will be kids.”
BTW is it possible he HASN’T fallen in with the wrong crowd but really wants to.
Now, granted, I was a teenager long ago, but as I remember these parties (didn’t have any, merely heard about them)…when popular kids had these parties the guest list was pretty controlled and - since no on wanted Amber grounded - things may have been wild, but nothing got stolen or broken, things never got bad enough that a neighbor called the cops, and some of Amber’s friends may have been there there Sunday morning before Mom and Dad came home to make sure the house was clean.
When C list kids tried these parties, no one came except a few C list geeks - quiet parties.
The real danger point was B list kids throwing these parties. The A list kids didn’t respect them enough to make sure they didn’t get in trouble and - in the fashion of A list kids - functionally used them. The B list kid was trying to fit in, and therefore let things get out of control, letting kids they didn’t know in, letting things get loud, letting people in Mom and Dad’s room. Those were the parties most likely to get out of hand.
I think there’s another part, and that’s that adult plans are generally for the future, which gives us more time to realize what stupid ideas they are and call them off in time. As a teen, we were concerned with, “What should we do tonight?” Now, when I hang out being stupid, it’s, “What should we do next month?”
Most recently, it was: “Hey, we should make candles for Candlemas! Yeah, that’d be awesome!” and it quickly led to plans to build a bonfire (in a firepit) and melt paraffin wax in a cast iron cauldron and dip candles by hand. You see the problem here already, right? Well, it wasn’t until two days later when I was pricing out supplies that I had a vision of 30 pounds of melted paraffin bubbling over onto a bonfire. :smack:
In our case, no problem, I’ll bring my camp stove and a double boiler and we’ll be safe little candle makers next to the nice pretty bonfire. But 20 years ago, we would have rushed right out and started bubbling our cauldron of toil and trouble that same night, and ended up with a bad case of the burned to deaths.
