# Why are there so many sexless marriages if women love sex just as much as men? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 3, 2010, 9:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502 "2010-01-03T09:54:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![Pray\_for\_peace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Pray\_for\_peace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pray_for_peace)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/181 "2010-01-06T00:30:11Z")
> [@Polerius](#): > > It is possible, but quite unlikely IMO. Besides real-world data points, we have had several cases in this thread of high-libido women who say they were stuck in sexless marriages/relationships for years, and eventually gave up on them. Yes, I am one of those women you refer to; I had that experience and I described it earlier in this thread. Even though I wasn’t able to fix that problem in my own marriage, I still think you shouldn’t resign yourself to accepting a sexless marriage. I hope that someone else will come along in this thread with some useful perspective or suggestions on this issue. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/182 "2010-01-06T00:46:58Z")
> [@Sidney Evgeni Jordan](#): > > Yes, I am one of those women you refer to; I had that experience and I described it earlier in this thread. Even though I wasn’t able to fix that problem in my own marriage, I still think you shouldn’t resign yourself to accepting a sexless marriage. I hope that someone else will come along in this thread with some useful perspective or suggestions on this issue. I’ve been in a sexless previous engagement, and my marriage of 14 years has seen ALL possible phases. I think the only thing you can be sure of is: The odds of having similar libidos, long term, isn’t likely. What the couple does WHILE they don’t match, dictates whether or not the relationship will survive. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/183 "2010-01-06T01:25:21Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > Perhaps ‘sex’ needs to be better defined. I think the sexes might define it differently > > Women – An enjoyable sexual act between two people > Men – A sexual act that ends in an orgasm > I can’t comprehend that there are some adult women out there who have never masturbated. By the time I was 14 I had experimented with every lubricating fluid I could find. Maybe this means men are more about obtaining the pleasurable feeling from orgasm whereas women are about having sex be part of a relationship. > > I know for me, the desire for sex is almost unrelenting. It doesn’t matter how I feel, how my day went, how fat I feel, etc. I still want sex regardless. I want it more when things are going better and less when they’re not, but I almost always want it. > > My wife, on the other hand, is not like this. Her default state is “not in the mood”. If I work at it I can get her in the mood. Or if circumstances change she may get in the mood (on vacation, get’s a big raise, we go to a party, etc.). But her day-to-day state is that she doesn’t desire it and doesn’t care whether or not we do it. > > So when women say they want sex as much as men, what I think they really mean is that they want the the warmth, security and pleasurable feelings that sex brings to a relationship. When men say they want sex, they really want the pleasurable feelings that orgasm brings, and oh yeah, it’s also nice to feel closer to their parter. Sometimes. I know some women who aren’t looking for emotional intimacy from sex. They want SEX. However, I don’t know any of these women who have ever settled down into a long term relationship - they are all still single in their 40s. ---
**Author:** ![miamouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ad7895/32.png) [@miamouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/miamouse)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/184 "2010-01-06T02:04:04Z")
> [@Themenin](#): > > Listen folks, as usual physics provides us with a simple answer. Due to their lower center of gravity and greater volume to surface ratio, women tend to be subject to greater inertial forces than men. What this means in practical terms is that to move a woman from no sex to sex requires greater force than to move a man from no sex to sex. Greater thrust is required, if you will. > > Conversely, once sex is achieved a woman will tend to remain in this sexual momentum, whereas a man, being less subject to inertia will rapidly lose momentum. This phenomenon can be observed both in a single sexual encounter, and throughout the curve of a longer term sexual engagement. > > What can I do, you ask ? Well, a simple way to reduce feminine inertia is to reduce friction. A simple way to increase male inertia is to increase friction. So ultimately it all comes down to balancing thrust and friction, and achieving the same inertial reference frame. You, Nava, and Nzinga have reminded me why I keep coming back here ---
**Author:** ![Cesario](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecae2f/32.png) [@Cesario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cesario)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/185 "2010-01-06T02:26:04Z")
> [@SenorBeef](#): > > I think a lot of women (and popular culture plays in on this) look at “giving” sex as a method of control to reward or punish. Not looking at sex as a mutually beneficial thing necesarily, but if he’s been a good boy then she can yield and give him what he wants, as if she were a tolerant victim. It’s stupid and unhealthy but common and the way popular culture jokes/reinforces this idea doesn’t help. So if marital problems cause denial of sex as a punishment, which then makes the relationship worse, which leads to less sex/more punishment eventually you end up like that. > > Just a guess. > > Edit: See post above mine posted as I was writing this 😛 Considering Ovid was writing about this sort of behavior in 20 BC, I think it’s safe to assume this isn’t limited to modern western culture. ---
**Author:** ![Cesario](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecae2f/32.png) [@Cesario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cesario)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/186 "2010-01-06T03:46:42Z")
> [@Unintentionally\_Blank](#): > > Which is funny, considering the riteous indignation over in the other thread about ‘breaking’ a broken woman. So. Guy= fixer upper = good. Gal = broken = bad. Where are you seeing this behavior being represented as good? ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/187 "2010-01-06T03:50:11Z")
To be more accurate…there’s indignation over the use of the work ‘break’…and no indignation over ‘fixer upper’. ---
**Author:** ![Cesario](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecae2f/32.png) [@Cesario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cesario)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/188 "2010-01-06T03:51:36Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > I was thinking about a third case, one I had. The sex was lousy. The guy was lousy. But he WOULDN’T DUMP. He was like the burr weed of boyfriends. Or like getting gum in your hair. > > I suspect he was clueless enough to believe that since everything was good for him, it was good. Why should he dump you when the relationship looks good from his prospective. Seems to me it’s the responsibility of the person having the problems to voice them, and if they aren’t addressed, end the relationship. ---
**Author:** ![chacoguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/50afbb/32.png) [@chacoguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chacoguy)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/189 "2010-01-06T03:58:06Z")
I’ll probably get shouted down for this, whatever. Many women are slow to forgive. My exwife’s reason for not having sex? It was something I had said in an argument _nineteen years_ earlier. I didn’t even remember the argument. ---
**Author:** ![Cesario](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecae2f/32.png) [@Cesario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cesario)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/190 "2010-01-06T04:00:40Z")
> [@Unintentionally\_Blank](#): > > To be more accurate…there’s indignation over the use of the work ‘break’…and no indignation over ‘fixer upper’. I still see the women who are thinking like that (and thus presumably using the term) being viewed negatively rather than positively. Yes, there isn’t as much “up in arms” indignation here as in the other thread, but it doesn’t really look like it’s being viewed in a positive light to me. ---
**Author:** ![Pray\_for\_peace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Pray\_for\_peace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pray_for_peace)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/191 "2010-01-06T04:18:34Z")
> [@Polerius](#): > > Wasn’t this the case among 18th century French nobles (or someone like that)? > > AFAIK, they married for stability and practical reasons, and had lovers on the side. If they did do this, how did it work out for them? > I’ve always wondered how a society organized around this would work. Because of the way we were raised, it’s impossible for most of us to try this out. But if people were raised in a society where this was the norm, maybe it would all work out? > > Men/women in today’s society don’t complain when their spouse gets a massage from the opposite sex, even though the masseuse is touching their naked (or almost naked body) and giving them physical pleasure. Granted, this is not sexual pleasure, but I assume men from more conservative societies would have a huge problem with their wives getting a full-body massage from another man. If our society has mostly gotten over this, maybe an alternate society could get used to spouses getting sex outside the marriage. ISTM that it would be highly unlikely to work out, but you never know. I don’t know about how well this worked for French nobles, but as you know it does work for some people today. I know several couples in different social circles who have long-term open marriages or are polyamorous. After my divorce, I was in a five-year relationship that openly included a few lovers on the side. On the one hand, it worked well because that boyfriend and I had hot sex with each other over a five year period; the quantity and quality of sex did not go down much at all over that time. We only lived together for part of the time, but we were a pair bonded couple as opposed to FWB or something like that. I won’t lie - there were emotional difficulties to navigate. In general, it seems that a truly open arrangement where each partner knows what’s going on works better than a “don’t ask, don’t tell” type arrangement. I have no idea of the frequency of long-term open marriages or relationships in the US. I think people tend to hide nonmonogamy because, at least in the US, the public generally does not approve of it. If I recall correctly, there was a thread here fairly recently about a person trying to decide how to feel about some friends who had “come out” as polyamorous. IIRC, that situation was complicated in that the OP was trying to decide how to explain the situation to his/her children. But I must admit I was shocked by the amount of negative reaction in that thread, because I thought this was a pretty liberal place. So, I think it would be quite a long time before Americans could get used to marriages with lovers on the side, and it may just never happen. ---
**Author:** ![Cesario](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecae2f/32.png) [@Cesario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cesario)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/192 "2010-01-06T04:24:13Z")
If we’re thinking of the same thread, I think that situation was also being complicated by the newly revealed polyamorous couple also engaging in more PDAs than many dopers considered normal or proper even for a monogamous couple. ---
**Author:** ![Pray\_for\_peace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Pray\_for\_peace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pray_for_peace)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/193 "2010-01-06T04:28:09Z")
You’re right. I forgot about that. PDA is not cool, and that was definitely worth addressing. ---
**Author:** ![anya\_marie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ebca7d/32.png) [@anya\_marie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anya_marie)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 9:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/194 "2010-01-06T09:24:58Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > I confess, I haven’t read this thread. It’s late, and I’m tired, but everytime I see this topic come up, I wonder one thing. > > Are we all considering the roll a large penis plays in all this? A large penis makes for a more…er…exciting experience for many women. Many women that have a husband with a large penis probably likes sex as much as him, if not more so. But, yeah, I’m rambling. My main point is big dicks. I think most men that find women love sex have big dicks. Just my guess. Salinqmind said a lot of what i was thinking. I don’t want to bend like a pretzel and change position a bazillion times while having sex. What good is a big dick if the owner is bad at foreplay, and not great at kissing? I dated a guy like that, but he wasnt’ a great match for me because of other things like the fact that he hated animals and had a fit because of the family pictures i’d put up on my fridge. Communication is a big part of good sex, and if he isn’t going to listen to me outside of the bedroom then the sex isn’t going to be great. Sex when your body isn’t warmed up isn’t much fun and from personal experience - you are sore, unhappy and it’s a good setup for urinary tract infections. OTOH I’ve dated a Polish man who likes cats, communicates well so - I find that sex is good with him regardless of size, and we enjoy each other’s company outside of the bedroom. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/195 "2010-01-06T14:16:37Z")
> [@Cesario](#): > > Considering Ovid was writing about this sort of behavior in 20 BC, I think it’s safe to assume this isn’t limited to modern western culture. I expect a lot of that sort of thing is related to women, who have historically been pretty powerless, using what power they did have to get what they wanted. A lot of women still think that way, probably not entirely without reason (it’s not like all women in our society are equal yet). ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/196 "2010-01-06T14:43:12Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > Agreed. I hate really big dicks. And I can’t even come from vaginal intercourse, so the size wouldn’t really affect me–unless it were SO big it was painful, which would make me dislike it. I really think people don’t understand this because they’re so inundated with the idiot basic porn model beloved by MEN. The only thing worse than a clueless dunce who is lousy in bed is a clueless dunce who is lousy in bed lovingly waving his BIG DICK around like it’s some kind of First Prize in the Clueless Boob Contest. Show it to your friends, junior, keep it away from me. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/197 "2010-01-06T14:51:35Z")
> [@Polerius](#): > > Is she actually turning a blind eye to lousy sex (i.e. having sex that is bad but overlooking it), or does the sexual excitement from novelty, romance, adventure, hope, and infatuation actually make the sex feel good, even if he is lousy at it? It seems to me that it would be the latter, but we need to hear from the ladies about this. In my case, the only time I put up with lousy sex was a combination of the first plus it being my first lover and me getting a bad case of “self-guilt” (“you’re just being too picky”… “we’re from different cultures, of course we have different expectations”… “it’s just a communication problem”…). The discovery that Mr “I want you to be the mother of my children” was planting other gardens on the side prompted the realization that someone who wasn’t willing to make any effort to meet my needs didn’t deserve me to make any effort meeting his. Like I said, it was my first: I can be very stupid, but I do learn. And I learned that no sex is preferable to bad sex (I’m not talking about “meh sex” or “could’a been better sex”, this was grades beyond that). > [@miamouse](#): > > You, Nava, and Nzinga have reminded me why I keep coming back here What did I do now? _looks for a place to hide_ ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/198 "2010-01-06T15:09:28Z")
> [@anya\_marie](#): > > Salinqmind said a lot of what i was thinking. I don’t want to bend like a pretzel and change position a bazillion times while having sex. > > What good is a big dick if the owner is bad at foreplay, and not great at kissing? I dated a guy like that, but he wasnt’ a great match for me because of other things like the fact that he hated animals and had a fit because of the family pictures i’d put up on my fridge. > > Communication is a big part of good sex, and if he isn’t going to listen to me outside of the bedroom then the sex isn’t going to be great. Sex when your body isn’t warmed up isn’t much fun and from personal experience - you are sore, unhappy and it’s a good setup for urinary tract infections. > > OTOH I’ve dated a Polish man who likes cats, communicates well so - I find that sex is good with him regardless of size, and we enjoy each other’s company outside of the bedroom. I am not saying that a large penis is the be all end all of sex. I’m just finding it strange that it wasn’t brought up at all in a thread about women that are less than enthusiastic about sex. So I thought I would bring it up. I am proposing that larged penis men are no less and no more loving on average than small penis men. No more or less giving, skilled, romantic, good at kissing, whatever, on average, then their small penis peers. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/199 "2010-01-06T16:41:37Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Childbirth does change the way a lot of women think about their bodies. It does get better, if you want it to. But it also becomes a habit to have better things to do - like sleep. So its something you need to decide you want to do, and schedule it in if necessary. > > Another one guys might not realize - when my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer, my own breasts became, in some ways, my enemy…my nightmare. It isn’t that uncommon for a women to have a friend with breast cancer, or a friend going through rape recovery or domestic abuse, or something else going on that affects the way she sees sex or her body. Very, very good points. When my husband and I had our first, sex became something we both put on the backburner. I’ve been really good about doing things different this time around, and I’m hoping that I’ll be as successful with sex. We’re both hoping to make it more of a priority and shut off the damn TV at night. It’s funny, but that’s probably the biggest drain on our sex life. My husband gets totally hypnotized, to the point where he’ll forget to sit down if he walks by and the TV is on. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2010, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/200 "2010-01-06T16:43:27Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > I am not saying that a large penis is the be all end all of sex. I’m just finding it strange that it wasn’t brought up at all in a thread about women that are less than enthusiastic about sex. So I thought I would bring it up. > > I am proposing that larged penis men are no less and no more loving on average than small penis men. No more or less giving, skilled, romantic, good at kissing, whatever, on average, then their small penis peers. I’ve not read the other thread, but I don’t find it strange at all. For most women I’ve known in meatspace, within a fairly wide range around average, size is at or near the bottom of the list in what makes a man a satisfying or dissatisfying lover. The brain being (ime) by far the most important female erogenous zone, being loving, skilled, romantic, and all that is much much much more important to a satisfying sexual experience than dick size, so it seems perfectly normal to me that people would be harping on those things and ignoring size outside objections to true needle-dick. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502.md?page=11)