# Why are there so many sexless marriages if women love sex just as much as men? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 3, 2010, 9:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502 "2010-01-03T09:54:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![alexandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e68b1a/32.png) [@alexandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alexandra)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/21 "2010-01-03T15:02:06Z")
The man doesn’t want sex. Both partners want it, but with other people - the relationship has at least in some elements simply broken down. Physical/psychological problems. One of the partners is crap in bed. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/22 "2010-01-03T15:11:39Z")
> [@Isamu](#): > > There was a video playing so she sat down and started masturbating. Pretty soon the 5 customers in the store came over and she gave the nod, and a gang bang ensued. Uhh, I like pants-off fun time, but I’m not about to have a gang-bang in the middle of a video store. > [@SenorBeef](#): > > I think a lot of women (and popular culture plays in on this) look at “giving” sex as a method of control to reward or punish. Not looking at sex as a mutually beneficial thing necesarily, but if he’s been a good boy then she can yield and give him what he wants, as if she were a tolerant victim. > [@Rigamarole](#): > > I just have to point out this juxtaposition of posts as a perfect example. **Koxinga** is implying that sex would be a reward for her husband if he did some chore she is expecting him to do and conformed to some expectations she has for him, which he hasn’t. I would assume that the problem isn’t that he doesn’t want to, but that she’s trying to use sex as a measure of control and failing. Yawn. Can you people stop with this shit, please? > [@Koxinga](#): > > Because he doesn’t communicate his feelings, he’s inattentive and he hasn’t done the bathroom grouting like he promised. That’s why, _mister_. This statement, if taken at face-value, is fine. I don’t want to screw someone who is pissing me off. The thought process goes something like, “You make me angry. I am not turned on by how angry you make me.” I’m also not turned on by someone who is removed, and uncommunicative. Besides, have you folks ever thought that maybe it’s the guy’s fault the sex life is non-existent? I had a guy who probably initiated naked time something like 10% of the time. It killed my libido after a while that I always had to take charge, and if he ever did, he was more like a robot than a passionate human being. What, did he not wanna screw me? If he just wanted to relieve himself, he was better off masturbating into a sock than handling me that way. So anyway, it didn’t work out. I think he was gay. > [@DianaG](#): > > It’s fun to watch people take a couple of anecdotes and a sitcom trope and extrapolate it into a philosophy on why 50% of the population feels the way that that they insist it does. My vagina and I have popped some corn and pulled up a chair. Here we are now, entertain us. You vagina pops corn? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/23 "2010-01-03T15:17:38Z")
Among other nifty things. 😉 > [@Isamu](#): > > You think that’s fun? That’s not fun. What’s _really_ fun is to see a woman come out and say that she knows what all women want with regard to sex. It’s even better when that woman has never had sex with another woman and so doesn’t really have any clue at all. > > Prop your vagina up and enjoy the show. I’ve never said that “all” women feel any particular way about anything. That’s kind of the point. And at least one of us has never had sex with a woman, but I’m thinking it might be the guy with the silly video store gang bang fantasy. ---
**Author:** ![SenorBeef](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senorbeef/32/2220_2.png) [@SenorBeef](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SenorBeef)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/24 "2010-01-03T15:31:46Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > . > > Yawn. Can you people stop with this shit, please? Why? Are you denying that this is an actual factor in some relationships and with some people? I didn’t say it was always the case or even most of the time - just that sometimes that’s the root of the issue. ---
**Author:** ![fisha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/da6949/32.png) [@fisha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fisha)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/25 "2010-01-03T15:42:22Z")
I am a woman, been married 16 years, like sex a lot, have it probably 3-4-5 times a week. That being said, I think it would be disingenuous for me to say every woman is like me, and their marriages are, too. When the topic of sex and frequency has come up on girl’s night out, I am the exception, not the rule. In fact, I am looked at with skepticism and incomprehension when I mention how often I have sex, or that I’d feel like I was denying myself if I didn’t. Tales of lying about the duration of their periods (ten days) to have an excuse, tales of resentment and using sex as a weapon at the husband for some deficiency in the marriage, tales of non interest-whether from hormones (birth control, pregnancy, nursing) tiredness, lack of positive body image, lack of sexual attraction, or poor technique of the partner. The women are absolutely fine with the frequency (or lack thereof.) My husband, when having equivalent male conversations, reports the same. His friends will go _months_ without sex. The men are not fine with the frequency, but don’t have many options. Not to give you the impression that this is all we talk about with friends; it’s not. Just because I like sex does not make me oblivious to the fact that there are a whole heck of a lot of sexless marriages. Rightly or wrongly, the decision making as to when, where, how often, or at all, is typically made by the woman. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/26 "2010-01-03T15:42:46Z")
> [@SenorBeef](#): > > Why? Are you denying that this is an actual factor in some relationships and with some people? I didn’t say it was always the case or even most of the time - just that sometimes that’s the root of the issue. This is a factor in some relationships with some people, sure, but what a useless statement to make. Some couples sleep in separate bedrooms and only speak once a week. So what? That’s not typical, is it? ---
**Author:** ![SenorBeef](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senorbeef/32/2220_2.png) [@SenorBeef](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SenorBeef)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/27 "2010-01-03T15:45:05Z")
The OP wanted explanations as to why relationships where both partners would otherwise enjoy sex go without it. My explanation is not a rare fringe case, and it’s probably a significant part of the answer. His whole question is not about the typical typical - most couples who would both enjoy sex aren’t in a sexless relationship, so he wanted the explanation for the atypical cases. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/28 "2010-01-03T15:51:35Z")
So then what was wrong with **Koxinga** ’s answer? When she suggested the wife might be turned off by an uncommunicative and lazy husband, you two went into the, “Mmmhmm, just as I thought. You’re trying to control him with your vagina,” which is entirely different. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/29 "2010-01-03T15:51:56Z")
One factor I think might be overlooked here is the disproportionally high prevalence of depression and sexual abuse/sexual trauma among women. Both things are notorious libido killers. If I didn’t have PTSD and/or depression I’d be having sex a lot more often. I appreciate the guilt trip, though. Really. ---
**Author:** ![tumbleddown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@tumbleddown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tumbleddown)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/30 "2010-01-03T15:54:56Z")
Hmm, more women than ever are working outside the home as many hours a week (if not more) than men, but are still doing 2/3 or more of the housework and men wonder why there’s no energy and/or interest in sex too? ---
**Author:** ![SenorBeef](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senorbeef/32/2220_2.png) [@SenorBeef](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SenorBeef)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/31 "2010-01-03T15:56:48Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > So then what was wrong with **Koxinga** ’s answer? When she suggested the wife might be turned off by an uncommunicative and lazy husband, you two went into the, “Mmmhmm, just as I thought. You’re trying to control him with your vagina,” which is entirely different. I didn’t write that statement to apply to what she said, since she posted it during when I was already making my post. The fact that she specifically attached an unfinished chore to her reasons for holding out (with no mention of whether she wanted to have sex or not, her reasoning solely focused on his actions) was just a coincidence that seemed to reinforce my point. ---
**Author:** ![fisha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/da6949/32.png) [@fisha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fisha)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/32 "2010-01-03T15:59:38Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > So then what was wrong with **Koxinga** ’s answer? When she suggested the wife might be turned off by an uncommunicative and lazy husband, you two went into the, “Mmmhmm, just as I thought. You’re trying to control him with your vagina,” which is entirely different. Turn it around. Very few men would withhold sex because their wife was uncommunicative or lazy. They might be angry or resentful about it, but they are not going to withhold sex. ---
**Author:** ![athelas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@athelas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/athelas)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/33 "2010-01-03T16:08:54Z")
> [@SenorBeef](#): > > I think a lot of women (and popular culture plays in on this) look at “giving” sex as a method of control to reward or punish. Not looking at sex as a mutually beneficial thing necesarily, but if he’s been a good boy then she can yield and give him what he wants, as if she were a tolerant victim. It’s stupid and unhealthy but common and the way popular culture jokes/reinforces this idea doesn’t help. So if marital problems cause denial of sex as a punishment, which then makes the relationship worse, which leads to less sex/more punishment eventually you end up like that. Of course, this tactic would be much less effective if women had exactly the same sex drive as men; it would be mutually assured destruction. Also, you’d see men doing the same thing with equal frequency. So the fact that this tactic exists and is as one-sided as it is is a good indication of differing sexual desire levels. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/34 "2010-01-03T16:12:45Z")
In the three marriages I am aware of in my circle where the partners do not agree about the frequency of sex, it is the man who wants less (to the point of almost never). And before someone jumps to the conclusion that it’s because the women have “let themselves go” it isn’t the case at all. The book “[The Sex Starved Marriage](http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Starved-Marriage-Couples-Boosting-Libido/dp/0743227328)” says it is just as likely for the man to be the low desire partner. ---
**Author:** ![SenorBeef](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senorbeef/32/2220_2.png) [@SenorBeef](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SenorBeef)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/35 "2010-01-03T16:13:13Z")
> [@athelas](#): > > Of course, this tactic would be much less effective if women had exactly the same sex drive as men; it would be mutually assured destruction. Also, you’d see men doing the same thing with equal frequency. So the fact that this tactic exists and is as one-sided as it is is a good indication of differing sexual desire levels. The social pressures surrounding sex as a significant factor. There’s the whole “lay back and think of England” thing that western culture has been stuck with for a long time. Women aren’t supposed to enjoy sex, they’re supposed to (by those standards) just more or less grudgingly tolerate it. They’re the gatekeepers in the relationship most of the time - they’re the ones who have to be “worn down” so that the man can make his conquest - all of that social bullshit we attach to gender roles in sexual relationships make the woman think she’s the one who should be in complete control of the issue, and the desires of the man are just assumed. I’m not saying there isn’t a biological issue at work, but I would say the various social issues probably play a bigger role. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/36 "2010-01-03T16:27:30Z")
> [@SenorBeef](#): > > I didn’t write that statement to apply to what she said, since she posted it during when I was already making my post. The fact that she specifically attached an unfinished chore to her reasons for holding out (with no mention of whether she wanted to have sex or not, her reasoning solely focused on his actions) was just a coincidence that seemed to reinforce my point. A person’s actions can lower a woman’s sexual desire for him. I wouldn’t say specifically failure to tile the bathroom floor would turn me off, but repeated shitty behavior would be enough to upset me. Some people don’t want to sleep with someone they resent. > [@fisha](#): > > Turn it around. > > Very few men would withhold sex because their wife was uncommunicative or lazy. They might be angry or resentful about it, but they are not going to withhold sex. You seem to use this term “withhold sex” as if you are talking about a deliberate choice not to have sex with someone because such-and-such action was not completed. Are you? I’m saying a woman could potentially just not _want_ to have sex with her husband anymore because he is lazy, inattentive, or has otherwise stopped being the person who used to turn her on. Now he’s just some lazy fatass who plays video games all day, and barely acknowledges that she is a woman who wants to be touched. Please do not harp on my specific examples of very unsexy ways a husband can be that would turn his wife off. The point is after years of marriage, a husband can turn into a person who now kills his wife’s libido. To me, that is different from “withholding sex.” The woman never stops liking sex; she just doesn’t want it with him anymore. Just so we’re clear, I’m not say that I am, or women in general are, identical to men in this regard. I am saying I find it baffling when a man is surprised that a woman might actually _gasp_ enjoy sex. Of course we do. Everybody does. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/37 "2010-01-03T16:29:07Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > In the three marriages I am aware of in my circle where the partners do not agree about the frequency of sex, it is the man who wants less (to the point of almost never). And before someone jumps to the conclusion that it’s because the women have “let themselves go” it isn’t the case at all. > > The book “[The Sex Starved Marriage](http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Starved-Marriage-Couples-Boosting-Libido/dp/0743227328)” says it is just as likely for the man to be the low desire partner. You know, I used to love “Married With Children” (don’t judge me!), but would often remark to myself, “This marriage, where the woman wants sex all the time and the man does not, seems implausible.” And then I got married… ---
**Author:** ![Pray\_for\_peace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Pray\_for\_peace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pray_for_peace)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/38 "2010-01-03T16:33:49Z")
> [@athelas](#): > > Of course, this tactic would be much less effective if women had exactly the same sex drive as men; it would be mutually assured destruction. Also, you’d see men doing the same thing with equal frequency. So the fact that this tactic exists and is as one-sided as it is is a good indication of differing sexual desire levels. Since we’re making generalizations, I think it’s fair to say that the emotional component of sex tends to be more important to women than to men. The so-called “tactic” of a woman withholding sex might have more to do with that emotional difference, rather than a difference in the woman’s desire level. In a lot of marriages where the sexual relationship has deteriorated, both partners still masturbate for pleasure and to relieve sexual tension. Yes, married women masturbate, and just because a husband doesn’t see it happening, it doesn’t mean his wife isn’t doing it. ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/39 "2010-01-03T16:59:02Z")
> [@SenorBeef](#): > > I didn’t write that statement to apply to what she said, since she posted it during when I was already making my post. The fact that she specifically attached an unfinished chore to her reasons for holding out (with no mention of whether she wanted to have sex or not, her reasoning solely focused on his actions) was just a coincidence that seemed to reinforce my point. 😛 Kind of funny that two people in this particular thread have misidentified me as female. That being said, the old lady better hurry up with that chicken pot pie if she thinks she’s gonna get any tonight. Wench. ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/40 "2010-01-03T17:05:24Z")
IMHO they bring baggage from their past relationships, including childhood and parent/child ones and slowly recreate the problems they experienced till it has removed sex from the marriage. An example a person was abused as a child, they have the mindset that is what they deserve, they move the marriage so that the spouse takes the place of that person, now there is subconsciousness feelings of guilt and shame and fear, the act of sex brings to mind subconsciously the abuse, which drives them apart. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502.md?page=3)