# Why are there so many sexless marriages if women love sex just as much as men? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 3, 2010, 9:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502 "2010-01-03T09:54:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/61 "2010-01-03T22:39:55Z")
My husband and I rarely have sex, though we probably have it just slightly more often than we would were we in a technically sexless marriage. It’s not because either of us desires it less than the other. I probably masturbate more frequently than he does, actually. However… 1. When I’m not on maternity leave, I work outside the home 40 hours a week, do most of the childcare, cooking and cleaning and we both consult on the side (though now that we’ve got a baby, that’s going to have to be shunted off to the side for now). I’m tired, dammit, and often feel just plain haggard at the end of the day. Having just had our second, we’re both looking forward to sex, but I suspect it’ll be just as infrequent as before because now we’ll both be even more tired for the next few months until our daughter’s schedule normalizes. 2. I’m generally the one to initiate. This gets old. Very old. If I so much as intimate that I’m interested in sex, he’s in; however, having to constantly ask, do the come-hither dance, etc. is irritating. I already make most of the household decisions, and now I have to decide for both of us when we’re going to have sex all the time, too? 3. When he does initiate, I find it difficult to tell what he’s after. He grabs my breasts and my ass so frequently out of the bedroom, it’s difficult for me to discern why he’s doing it. Plus, such regular groping can de-sexualize those areas. I’ve told my husband that before, but his feelings were hurt, so it wasn’t worth bringing up again. So, yeah, I’d love to have sex more often. I’d be over the moon if we got it on regularly. But I’d enjoy it a heck of a lot more if it didn’t feel like such an effort. I think that’s what it boils down to - it’s an effort. A worthwhile one to be sure, but it’s still something that requires work, and if you’re the only one doing the preliminary work, the fun part is harder to get excited about. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/62 "2010-01-03T22:42:18Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > Exactly. For the record, it annoys me every bit as much when the same question is posed about men. Yeah. I think the Dope is definitely more “Why are women like this?”-centric, whereas a lot of other sites (Snopes, Jezebel) tend to see men as this patriarchal other. It gets old either way. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/63 "2010-01-03T22:56:40Z")
> [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](#): > > Amusing, but how does that have anything to do with this thread? I was trying to figure that out too. ---
**Author:** ![Pray\_for\_peace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Pray\_for\_peace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pray_for_peace)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/64 "2010-01-03T23:51:40Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > \ > Exactly. For the record, it annoys me every bit as much when the same question is posed about men. > I think it depends. There’s probably value in discussing social roles an stereotypes and why we think they so tenaciously outlive their usefulness. But usually these questions pop up about sex and relationships, and if there’s a bigger waste of time and energy than trying to figure out “women” or “men” as opposed to the particular person you’re dealing with, I can’t think of it. To the extent that you’re calling this thread a waste of time and energy, I disagree. I think it’s a pretty interesting thread, even though I disagree with many of the individual posts in it. If a person is trying to figure out how to relate to a particular partner, then, yes, I agree that relying on stereotypes of how “women” or “men” behave isn’t going to be helpful at all. But I think that the Dope should tolerate good-faith attempts to examine gender roles and gender/sexual stereotypes as a valid form of inquiry. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2010, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/65 "2010-01-03T23:54:10Z")
More than that, it helps to hear other anecdotal evidence. How many people _really_ talk about this? Sure, there’s plenty of media stereotypes, but a conversation in a forum like this where both sides are available really is kinda rare. ---
**Author:** ![Shakester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shakester/32/437_2.png) [@Shakester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shakester)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/66 "2010-01-04T00:11:23Z")
Y’know, it’s debates like this that make me a lot less sad about being single. Oh, companionship is wonderful, and I used to _love_ sex back when it wasn’t just something that happened to other people, but I’m pretty much at the point now where I look at couples and just think “suckers!” ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/67 "2010-01-04T00:13:12Z")
And also, how many men are going to confess to having a low sex drive to their friends? Being randy all the time is what a virile man is supposed to be. Women can admit to being sexually indifferent without incurring as much shame and derision as a man. My last boyfriend experienced erectile dysfunction on a reoccuring basis, and sadly, this was the impetus behind our split. Now, when he’s sitting around with his boys drinking back the beers and the subject of our breakup comes up, I don’t think he’s telling them about the role his limp dick played in the situation. He’s probably telling them that he wasn’t getting enough sex or some shit like that. Easy to conclude from that that the reason he wasn’t getting enough was because his gal wasn’t putting out, but that would be wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/68 "2010-01-04T00:21:06Z")
> [@Shakester](#): > > Y’know, it’s debates like this that make me a lot less sad about being single. > > Oh, companionship is wonderful, and I used to _love_ sex back when it wasn’t just something that happened to other people, but I’m pretty much at the point now where I look at couples and just think “suckers!” Except for, you know, all the other stuff that doesn’t suck. The world really isn’t black and white, ya know. And if sex is the _only_ thing that’s not up to snuff in a relationship, are you gonna pull the ripcord just for that? My libido’s dropped off since hitting 40…it’s made things a little easier to deal with. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/69 "2010-01-04T00:37:29Z")
> [@athelas](#): > > Of course, this tactic would be much less effective if women had exactly the same sex drive as men; it would be mutually assured destruction. Also, you’d see men doing the same thing with equal frequency. So the fact that this tactic exists and is as one-sided as it is is a good indication of differing sexual desire levels. That or maybe one side is statistically more vindictive than the other side even if what they are doing hurts them too. I’ll let you guess which one could be which. My SO pulled this shit this past Friday. WE were going to do something (not sex) that she enjoys as much as me. But I did something “bad”, she got mad, and she stayed home to pout and punish me by not going herself. I still went Friday and had a damn good time by myself with other folks. The only downside was me me lying why she wasnt there when everyone asked. I was tempted to tell the truth. ---
**Author:** ![Electric\_Warrior](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@Electric\_Warrior](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electric_Warrior)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/70 "2010-01-04T00:38:11Z")
I’m surprised no one has brought up the possibility that two people are married and both love sex, but neither ever wants to have sex at the same time as the other one. I feel like this might happen more the longer two people are married, because their schedules may start to be very different. Also, because they’re out of the ‘honeymoon stage’ of their relationship when they want to have sex all the time. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/71 "2010-01-04T00:44:20Z")
> [@NinetyWt](#): > > That’s just silly. Surely you don’t really think this? I know at least one woman that probably thinks EXACTLY that way IMO. Its a variation of “be a raging bitch, push you away, and if you stay or come back to me it REALLY shows how much he loves me”. If you’ve never meet or heard firsthand of at least one woman that thinks that way, I’d be asking YOU what world you live in. ---
**Author:** ![Waenara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/50afbb/32.png) [@Waenara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waenara)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/72 "2010-01-04T01:00:32Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > My SO pulled this shit this past Friday. WE were going to do something (not sex) that she enjoys as much as me. But I did something “bad”, she got mad, and she stayed home to pout and punish me by not going herself. How can you be sure she stayed home to “punish” you. Sometimes it’s difficult to accurately ascribe motives to others. I know that if I have plans with someone (a SO, family member, or friend) and then we have a fight or I’m angry at them, I may no longer want to follow the original plans. It’s not that I’m “punishing” them, it’s just that when I’m angry I may not want to go out in public and do something that was supposed to be fun, probably while trying to conceal that I’m still pissed off so I don’t bother other people, and then it makes me feel even worse. Edited to add: maybe you know she _was_ “punishing” you, due to the past history in your relationship or even if she came out and said it, but then I might wonder why you’re still SOs ---
**Author:** ![Oregon\_sunshine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/50afbb/32.png) [@Oregon\_sunshine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oregon_sunshine)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/73 "2010-01-04T01:45:27Z")
The question doesn’t seem to make any sense. Is the OP assuming that _ **women** _ (😕) cause every “sexless” marriage? ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/74 "2010-01-04T01:46:29Z")
I don’t have statistics to back it up, but I thought in long term relationships (people in their 40s and 50s who had been together for decades) it was more often than not the man who loses interest in sex. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/75 "2010-01-04T01:49:14Z")
> [@Unintentionally\_Blank](#): > > And if sex is the _only_ thing that’s not up to snuff in a relationship, are you gonna pull the ripcord just for that? For me? Yes, definitely. But I am in my 20s and still have very strong raging hormones to the point that I’d be totally miserable if I was with someone and not having sex on a regular basis. ---
**Author:** ![marshmallow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@marshmallow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/marshmallow)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/76 "2010-01-04T02:04:20Z")
I always find these threads remarkable because no one ever points out the huge segment of the female population which either suffers from anorgasmia or has extreme difficulty achieving orgasm even by herself, let alone with a partner. I won’t hazard a number, I’ve seen everything from 20 to 40%, but that means a lot of women don’t have normal erotic/sexual feelings as most men know them. But even aside from that it’s pretty well known that men have higher libidos than women. It’d be a little weird if they didn’t. As for what happens in long term relationships: [Sexual Motivation and the Duration Of Partnership (PDF)](http://zpm.uke.uni-hamburg.de/Webpdf/sexmotiv.pdf) > [@](#): > > Lack of sexual desire was experienced by 57.5% of the women “occasionally” and by 13.3% “often.” With men, the respective percentages were 23.9% and 1.0%. In women, there was a marked tendency for lack of sexual desire to increase with duration of partnership, but not in men. It basically says that men and women have a lot of sex at the start of the relationship. As the duration increases men want to keep having approximately the same amount of sex while a woman’s desire decreases. This was in Germany. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/77 "2010-01-04T02:04:40Z")
> [@Unintentionally\_Blank](#): > > The lightbulb moment for me was the following: > > 1 People, (of both sexes even!) have different libidos…and they tend to change over time > 2 It is nobody’s ‘fault’ that those libidos are different. > 3 Things work best when both parties recognize that and communicate. That means the lower libido person occasionally ‘puts out’, and the higher libido person spends a little additional ‘me time’ in the shower, on occasion. Then my work here is done. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Pray\_for\_peace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Pray\_for\_peace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pray_for_peace)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/78 "2010-01-04T02:20:08Z")
> [@marshmallow](#): > > I always find these threads remarkable because no one ever points out the huge segment of the female population which either suffers from anorgasmia or has extreme difficulty achieving orgasm even by herself, let alone with a partner. I won’t hazard a number, I’ve seen everything from 20 to 40%, but that means a lot of women don’t have normal erotic/sexual feelings as most men know them. \ You say you won’t hazard a number, but then you provide a numerical range. Do you have a cite for these numbers or for your assertion that a lot of women don’t have normal erotic/sexual feelings as most men know them? ---
**Author:** ![Shakester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shakester/32/437_2.png) [@Shakester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shakester)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/79 "2010-01-04T04:26:49Z")
> [@Unintentionally\_Blank](#): > > Except for, you know, all the other stuff that doesn’t suck. The world really isn’t black and white, ya know. And if sex is the _only_ thing that’s not up to snuff in a relationship, are you gonna pull the ripcord just for that? > > My libido’s dropped off since hitting 40…it’s made things a little easier to deal with. If I _did_ have a great relationship and there was no sex… I already _do_ have relationships like that, I call them “friendships”. There are single people of both sexes and all inclinations that I regularly go out with, have dinner with, spend quality time with. Often they’re folks like me who are too damaged in whatever way to be relationship material. Celibate by choice or by circumstance; there are a lot of really _really_ good people in that boat. Should I marry my celibate bipolar lesbian friend? She’s a great gal, and I truly love her, but why would I want to do that? And why would she? I can imagine living with someone as a kind-of sort-of partner, sharing facilities and bills and so on… oh, wait, I already _do_ that. I _get_ companionship, I _get_ sharing expenses… sex aside, what else do I need? A sham marriage? What for? I’d rather be single, as I am, and in the unlikely but not impossible event that I get the chance to have sex, or even a romantic relationship, I can go for it without anyone being anything but happy for me. How would a sexless partnership be of any benefit to me? I’m better off as is. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/80 "2010-01-04T04:45:04Z")
Hmph, so analytical you are. You think no sex is an absolute. You think history accounts for nothing. You cannot think of a single thing that would be equivalent or superior to something you spend less than 0.001% of your life doing. You cannot make a distinction between a friend, a friend with benefits, and a long-term spouse. So, you have a soulmate, the sex is great, the lifestyle ideal, you’ve committed to them with a symbolic gesture of your choosing. Then life changes (as it often does) and they cannot do the horizontal bop…(It could be a Lifetime Movie of the week accident, it could be medical, could be stress, it could be age.) You dump them? :dubious: (Perhaps I’m too subtle, but sex, believe it or not, is NOT the be all end all lynchpin younguns make it out to be. Sure, it is early on, when your genetic makeup is SCREAMING TO REPRODUCE…but get that out of the way? You’ll survive without as much as you’d like, considering the alternative.) The wife is 7 months into a really bad back injury. Sex…HURTS her. So, do I be a dick and leave her because she can’t put out? Or do I be a dick and cause her additional pain? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502.md?page=5)