# Why are there so many sexless marriages if women love sex just as much as men? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 3, 2010, 9:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502 "2010-01-03T09:54:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/121 "2010-01-04T17:46:33Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > Good for you but a lot of women don’t get off that way. Some people get off with clitoral stimulation while having vaginal sex, but for me it’s kind of hard to deal with both at once…I can only orgasm from clitoral stimulation alone. Oh, it all works. I orgasm just a little bit when the barkeep freshens up my cocktail. ---
**Author:** ![miss\_elizabeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/838e76/32.png) [@miss\_elizabeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/miss_elizabeth)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/122 "2010-01-04T17:58:13Z")
Just to represent, or whatever, I like big dicks. The other thing I think people forget is that, yes, most women cannot achieve orgasm through intercourse alone. So “bad” sex for men still usually results in orgasm, but for women it doesn’t. When I was in my sexless marriage (and I was told frequently it was “my fault” and that I was frigid) it just got to the point where I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t come, and I was tired of being used as a masturbation sleeve. Also he was gross, and smelled weird, and drooled and just… ugh. I do often think back on him saying how frigid I am, and how I am probably a lesbian, as I lay in the glow of multiple orgasms after hours of wonderful sex. As it turns out, I really like sex _with a good lover_. So yeah, I “withheld”. But I still don’t think it was all my fault. ---
**Author:** ![Polerius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d78d45/32.png) [@Polerius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polerius)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/123 "2010-01-04T18:04:37Z")
> [@kingbighair](#): > > I am having trouble with the OP’s logic. It seems to beg the question that enjoying sex means someone will want to have it. I really enjoy a stacked reuben; I don’t eat one every day. Maybe that’s because eating your favorite food all the time will make you fat. Having sex all the time does not have adverse effects. And besides, the OP was not about “sex every single day”. I assume that if someone likes sex a lot, they will want to have it more than once a month. Which I think is borne out by all the men & women who complain of not getting enough sex. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/124 "2010-01-04T18:18:55Z")
> [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](#): > > Amusing, but how does that have anything to do with this thread? “Women do too want sex as much as men do! And men claim they’re being sex-starved when they’re getting it three to five times a week! And it’s men’s fault they don’t get enough sex, for being too unattentive. And it’s men’s fault they don’t get enough sex, for being lousy lovers! And it’s men’s fault they don’t get enough sex, for having small penises!” And furthermore, your honour, I don’t even \*have \*a lawn. 😛 _waves at **DianaG** _ Don’t worry, this is all the poisoning I’ll be doing in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/125 "2010-01-04T18:26:52Z")
> [@fisha](#): > > I agree about “touched out” especially when I was nursing with additional little kids hanging on me all day. > > As to the procrastination, I find that people get in and out of the sex habit. It’s easy to get into the no sex habit, and it perpetuates the cycle, making it seem more of a big deal than what it is. > > You have to make a bit of an effort, but then it just becomes a good habit. Yep, and getting out of the habit is really easy when lives are busy. When you date someone, you are setting aside time to be with that person. And at some point, for a lot of people, you sort of are setting aside time to have sex. You get married and now you don’t set aside time for that person (or most people don’t), and time with that person, even if you love them and lust after them, sometimes becomes a lower priority than just taking care of the housekeeping of life. And then you are out of the habit. And then the resentment builds. But I also think that for a lot of people, they don’t want sex to be a habit. Sex should be a glorious and spontaneous act of lust. And with marriage, you often do need to make it a habit. That doesn’t mean its distasteful, just that if you wait for the spontaneous act of lust between two people married for ten years with preschoolers in the house - you may be waiting a while. ---
**Author:** ![gaffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e68b1a/32.png) [@gaffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gaffa)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/126 "2010-01-04T18:27:35Z")
> [@Electric\_Warrior](#): > > I’m surprised no one has brought up the possibility that two people are married and both love sex, but neither ever wants to have sex at the same time as the other one. > > I feel like this might happen more the longer two people are married, because their schedules may start to be very different. Also, because they’re out of the ‘honeymoon stage’ of their relationship when they want to have sex all the time. One other factor is that testosterone levels drop throughout the course of the day (hence “morning wood”). If the woman is used to sex happening in the evening, just before going to sleep, that will be at the absolute nadir of the male sex drive. By the way, in my experience women don’t value a large penis anywhere near as much as an agile tongue. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/127 "2010-01-04T18:38:16Z")
> [@kanicbird](#): > > Why would you assume I’m talking about only the female? Why would you assume that liking sex I consider ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’, or a disorder? Why would you assume that I believe men don’t have these issues? Why would you assume that I believe women don’t grow up? Because this thread is NOTHING BUT assumptions and blanket statements. And if your assumptions and blanket statements don’t match my assumptions and blanket statements YOU’RE WRONG! 😃 Here’s what I’ve found: If the difference in your libido is GREATER than your SO’s by a certain threshold, you will part ways. (I tried to work dick size into this, but couldn’t.) Less than that threshold, you will be unhappy and grouse about it, but stay together. That threshold is surprisingly large _in certain circumstances_. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/128 "2010-01-04T19:03:01Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > But I also think that for a lot of people, they don’t want sex to be a habit. Sex should be a glorious and spontaneous act of lust. And with marriage, you often do need to make it a habit. That doesn’t mean its distasteful, just that if you wait for the spontaneous act of lust between two people married for ten years with preschoolers in the house - you may be waiting a while. That reminds me. When I worked in town, Hubby and I used to have a standing date on Thursday at lunch time to meet at home for a little fun. At first he hemmed and hawed around about having to have “an appointment for sex”. After a while he stopped fussing about it. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![alexandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e68b1a/32.png) [@alexandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alexandra)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/129 "2010-01-04T19:07:06Z")
Difficulty of orgasming is one important factor. Both women and men need to realise that sex doesn’t need to begin and end (emphasis on the end) with PIV sex. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/130 "2010-01-04T19:43:01Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > “Women do too want sex as much as men do! And men claim they’re being sex-starved when they’re getting it three to five times a week! And it’s men’s fault they don’t get enough sex, for being too unattentive. And it’s men’s fault they don’t get enough sex, for being lousy lovers! And it’s men’s fault they don’t get enough sex, for having small penises!” > > And furthermore, your honour, I don’t even \*have \*a lawn. 😛 > > _waves at **DianaG** _ Don’t worry, this is all the poisoning I’ll be doing in this thread. Heh, look, you have to think about where this thread is coming from. We’re working off the premise that women don’t enjoy sex. When several women chimed in the other thread and stated of course women enjoy sex, the response was a thread essentially titled, “Oh yeah? Then why are there so many sexless marriages?” We’re kind of operating from a “You know, men can be the culprits, too” angle. Sad truth is marriages often get stale, and I’m not going to assign blame to a particular gender in. ---
**Author:** ![Pray\_for\_peace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Pray\_for\_peace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pray_for_peace)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/131 "2010-01-04T20:35:11Z")
> [@Polerius](#): > > It’s funny that we need studies to prove the obvious, but hey, it’s good to have those to counter all the anecdotes we read here. > > The high-libido women in this thread have not answered one of the questions in the OP: Have you been in many marriages/long term relationships that were sexless? I would presume not. Since there _are_ many sexless/low sex marriages out there, then obviously your case is not the norm. **Polerius** - several women have now answered your question (some are quoted below). I wonder what you think about the answers. Do you agree that a “sexless marriage” is a complicated thing, and that it’s way too simplistic to generalize that “sexless marriages” tend to result from women having low libidos or not “loving sex”? > [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > My short early marriage was pretty damn sexless. At that tender age, I wasn’t able to separate my sexuality from my emotions as easily as I can now, and as I said earlier, our marriage problems really dampened my libido. They didn’t bother his. > [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I haven’t been married in a very long time \ > And in my experience since with dating and sex- I’ve rarely dated a man that matched my high sex drive, so I can definitely see how half the time it would be the man with the lower drive. > [@Sidney Evgeni Jordan](#): > > I had an experience very similar to this [edit: like **Alice** ’s], although the marriage wasn’t that short. I don’t want to discuss it in detail, but suffice it to say that we were very young and the hot sex went away as the emotional disconnect set in. > [@miss\_elizabeth](#): > > Just to represent, or whatever, I like big dicks. > > The other thing I think people forget is that, yes, most women cannot achieve orgasm through intercourse alone. So “bad” sex for men still usually results in orgasm, but for women it doesn’t. When I was in my sexless marriage (and I was told frequently it was “my fault” and that I was frigid) it just got to the point where I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t come, and I was tired of being used as a masturbation sleeve. Also he was gross, and smelled weird, and drooled and just… ugh. > > I do often think back on him saying how frigid I am, and how I am probably a lesbian, as I lay in the glow of multiple orgasms after hours of wonderful sex. As it turns out, I really like sex _with a good lover_. So yeah, I “withheld”. But I still don’t think it was all my fault. > [@even\_sven](#): > > I’ve got a high libido and have been in long term relationships where the sex has tapered off. It’s not because my libido has gone down, it’s because I’ve lost interest in my partner and the relationship is about to end. If I know the relationship is ending, the sex starts to feel like a lie. > > Despite my very high libido and fairly open social views, bad sex somehow still makes me feel used, dirty and cheated and I go to great lengths to avoid it. > [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > I think this analogy might work better for many women if Person A was never sure if they were going to get wine at all. The ambiance and everything would be there, and nice, but while B got served every time A would occasionally have to go to the fridge and get a beer. > \ > Not applicable to all women, of course, but because it often takes a bit more time and work to get to orgasm for a woman, having a small window in which to do it (e.g. while the kid’s asleep) might make it less appealing than masturbation. > \ Also, I notice that you’ve asked people to volunteer a lot of personal information, e.g., about their marriages, their sex lives, and whether they like big dicks. I don’t think you’ve told us much about your own experiences (although maybe it was there and I missed it), so I’m curious whether you have anything personal to add about your experience with marriage or sex (or lack thereof). ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/132 "2010-01-04T20:39:17Z")
I have been in a relationship that was not sexually fulfilling. I tried my damnedest to get it where I wanted to be sexually, and it never happened. I eventually gave up. The relationship didn’t work out. ---
**Author:** ![Pray\_for\_peace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Pray\_for\_peace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pray_for_peace)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/133 "2010-01-04T20:43:16Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > I have been in a relationship that was not sexually fulfilling. I tried my damnedest to get it where I wanted to be sexually, and it never happened. I eventually gave up. The relationship didn’t work out. This was my experience, too (in my failed marriage). Fortunately, sex with other partners, including my current partner, has been great. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/134 "2010-01-04T20:56:20Z")
> [@miss\_elizabeth](#): > > Just to represent, or whatever, I like big dicks. Can I get this on a t-shirt? ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/135 "2010-01-04T20:59:47Z")
That wouldn’t attract any negative attention at all. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/136 "2010-01-04T21:00:10Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > Can I get this on a t-shirt? Do they do one about throwing a kit-bag up a dry-dock? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/137 "2010-01-04T21:12:28Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > That wouldn’t attract any negative attention at all. Well, I need something to wear for my weekly gangbang at the video store. Malacandra, I heard of hot dog down a hallway, but yours is a lot more colorful, isn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![Polerius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d78d45/32.png) [@Polerius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polerius)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/138 "2010-01-04T21:26:14Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > I have been in a relationship that was not sexually fulfilling. I tried my damnedest to get it where I wanted to be sexually, and it never happened. I eventually gave up. The relationship didn’t work out. > [@Sidney Evgeni Jordan](#): > > This was my experience, too (in my failed marriage) How much time did you invest in these marriages/relationships before you gave up? Do high libido women stay in sexless marriages/relationships for years on end? (Because there are many marriages/relationships that remain sexless for years on end) [BTW, **Sidney** , from your username, I did not realize you are a woman] ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/139 "2010-01-04T21:28:00Z")
> [@Polerius](#): > > Do high libido women stay in sexless marriages/relationships for years on end? (Because there are many marriages/relationships that remain sexless for years on end) Do high libido men? Hey, here’s an interesting question… if men like sex so much more than women do, why are so many of them willing to live without it? ---
**Author:** ![Polerius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d78d45/32.png) [@Polerius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polerius)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2010, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502/140 "2010-01-04T21:28:42Z")
Let me see if I can summarize what can be gathered from reading this thread, regarding sex, enjoyment of sex, desire to have sex, and long term relationships: Both men and women enjoy sex to the same degree In the beginning, everything is hunky dory, plenty of sex As time goes on, the desire to have sex with one’s partner goes down for the some or all of the following reasons (which apply to both genders) 1. Practical: Kids, work, housework, being tired, lack of time, etc 2. Emotional: Emotional connection declines, pissed of at the partner for a variety of reasons, etc 3. Physical attraction: He/She let themselves go, put on weight, effects of aging, etc 4. Sexual ability: “She gives the worst blowjobs”, “He is a selfish lover”, etc The above affect both gender’s desire to have sex with their partner, but men are more willing to overcome the problems and want to have sex anyway because: 1. Men still get to orgasm even in adverse situations, whereas women don’t, which gives men an added incentive to have lousy sex compared to women. 2. Possibly hormonal/genetic/etc differences between men and women (difference in libido, on average) 3. Possibly social pressure (implicit or explicit) felt by men who don’t get “enough” sex The decline in the willingness of women to have sex with their partner in long term relationships versus the non-decline in the willingness of men to have sex with their partner should not be taken to mean that women don’t enjoy sex as much as men, but should be evaluated in the context of all the above points. Do we have an agreement? Did I misstate something? Any points I have missed? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-there-so-many-sexless-marriages-if-women-love-sex-just-as-much-as-men/523502.md?page=8)