# Why are you touching me? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 11, 2003, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984 "2003-04-11T05:51:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/21 "2003-04-11T14:11:29Z")
The wife of a friend of mine does that. If I’m standing talking to someone, she’ll come up and wrap her arm around my waist and join in the conversation. If I’m sitting, she’ll pretty use me as a largish arm rest, just leaning all up against me. Worse yet, she’s quite a looker. I’ve told her (tactfully, out of other’s earshot) that this habit of hers makes me uncomfortable, and I wish she would stop it. She acted as if she didn’t realize she does it. And continued shortly thereafter. Once, I thought I would shock it out of her, and when she sat all over me once again, I turned it into a full body hug (ahem… sensual, more or less). Didn’t have the desired effect. Otherwise, I have no problem associating with her. She and her hubby are part of my circle of friends. Her He (Hubby) even said. “Aw, that’s just Terri…” …sigh… I guess social intercourse with her will just have to lead to sexual intercourse… sigh… (That was a joke, y’all) They’re not from a foriegn culture, we’re not related, and I’m the only guy (that I know of) she does this to. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/22 "2003-04-11T14:17:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by LifeOnWry \* > \*\*What I wouldn’t give to look pointy and sharp! \*\* How about just big and mean? The more threads like this I read, the more I realize how much my manner and appearance influence the people around me. Not sure if it’s the shaved head, the grouchy expression, the tattoos, or being 6’4", but I just don’t get messed with. People don’t argue with me, I don’t get imposed upon, strangers strike up conversations only rarely, nobody asks me the time, or tries to sell me shit, or rubs my back, or invades my personal space. And for all the above I am profoundly grateful! I’ve had some very petite female friends, so I can understand what **LifeOnWry** is talking about, even if I can’t relate. I was astonished the first time one of them told me how her ex-boyfriend would pick her up and swing her around. It is something completely removed from my personal experience. But it would piss me off too. **Tinkertoy** , maybe this coworker is attracted to you? But even so, that sounds like borderline harassment. Are you male or female? ---
**Author:** ![C3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/c3/32/3108_2.png) [@C3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/C3)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/23 "2003-04-11T14:23:30Z")
I used to work with a woman who touched me all the time - rubbing the back, shoulder massages, touches to the arm, etc. I started reacting like I would if someone had pinched me. When she touched me, I would jump and dramatically pull away, like I was in severe pain. Didn’t work, though. She kept touching me and added teasing me about my lack of wanting to be touched to the routine. I think it’s a control issue - a lot of people who do this are trying to make you feel uncomfortable, thus putting themselves into a dominant role. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/24 "2003-04-11T14:28:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by JuanitaTech \* > \*\*Ick. Touchy-feely people are creepy. There’s an attorney here who likes rubbing my back when we talk. What goes through a person’s brain that makes them think it’s ok to _rub_ me? \*\* Heh. I used to do that to a coworker. What went through my mind was “I want to undress you and lick vegomite off your kneecaps.” You may all rest assured that I no longer engage in that sort of thing, despite the many coworkers I currently desire to rub. What I can’t stand is when I cough, people hit me. It’s the cigarettes, people, and slapping my back won’t undo years of a bad habit. And whothefug told you that you could hit me? ---
**Author:** ![belladonna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@belladonna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/belladonna)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/25 "2003-04-11T14:31:29Z")
I don’t usually have a problem with touchers. Although I did know one woman a while back who was a “rubber” like **Tinkertoy** mentioned. Always suprememly creeped me out. But for some reason, even those people who wouldn’t normally be touchers see a pregnant belly and lose all self control. I don’t know how many times in the past couple months I’ve been startled by some random stranger’s hand snaking out and rubbing my belly like a goddamn magic lamp. And the bigger I get, the more at risk I seem to be. The other day, a coworker who I’ve never interacted with before came up to me in the lunchroom, put her arm around my shoulders and started massaging my baby bulge with her other hand. Ick! Older women seem to be the worst about this. QuitIt!QuitIt!QuitIt!QuitIt!QuitIt!QuitIt!QuitIt! ---
**Author:** ![MLS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/919ad9/32.png) [@MLS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MLS)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/26 "2003-04-11T14:33:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by C3 \* > \*\* > I think it’s a control issue - a lot of people who do this are trying to make you feel uncomfortable, thus putting themselves into a dominant role. \*\* I think you’re absolutely right about the control issue. Another problem is that some of us (like me) are too nice. What we need to do is look the offender straight in the eye, no smile, and say firmly, “Please do not do that. It makes me uncomfortable.” Repeat as necessary, every time. In response to the teasing, we need to take an equally firm stance and refuse to be intimidated. Maybe just the stony stare would do. Or “Do you WANT to make me uncomfortable? Why would you want to do that?” ---
**Author:** ![Briny\_Deep](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/briny_deep/32/17188_2.png) [@Briny\_Deep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Briny_Deep)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/27 "2003-04-11T14:54:54Z")
For people in the USA working for corporations that have an HR department: You know, don’t you, that one quick visit to HR will solve your problem forever? Tell them being touched in an intimate way at work makes you feel uncomfortable. They’ll take it from there. I can easily understand why one might not want to go this far, however. ---
**Author:** ![mmm.forbidden\_doughnut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e68b1a/32.png) [@mmm.forbidden\_doughnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mmm.forbidden_doughnut)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/28 "2003-04-11T15:18:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by masonite \* > \*\*For people in the USA working for corporations that have an HR department: > > You know, don’t you, that one quick visit to HR will solve your problem forever? Tell them being touched in an intimate way at work makes you feel uncomfortable. They’ll take it from there. > > I can easily understand why one might not want to go this far, however. \*\* You are absolutely right. I worked the night shift in a lab whilst in college and one particular delivery driver (who was an employee of the lab) would walk up behind me. It started out just randomly putting a hand on my back. By the time I had had enough, he was walking up behind me, brushing my hair off my shoulders, and running his fingers lightly over my neck. Looking for erogeouness zones, I guess. I complained to HR and filed a complaint and they took cae of it. Funny, afterwards he was as cold towards me as he had been hot for me in the first place. It does make things uncomfortable. But I didn’t care. Neither did my husband! :eek: mmm… ---
**Author:** ![Gazelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Gazelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gazelle)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/29 "2003-04-11T15:44:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by masonite \* > \*\*For people in the USA working for corporations that have an HR department: > > You know, don’t you, that one quick visit to HR will solve your problem forever? Tell them being touched in an intimate way at work makes you feel uncomfortable. They’ll take it from there. > > I can easily understand why one might not want to go this far, however. \*\* Going to HR should be resorted to AFTER telling the person – in no uncertain terms – to stop. Just like some people don’t like to be touched, some people are illiterate when it comes to body language. Say it out loud. ---
**Author:** ![Demise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/34f0e0/32.png) [@Demise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Demise)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/30 "2003-04-11T15:53:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by NoClueBoy \* > \*\*(That was a joke, y’all) \*\* Maybe to you, probably not to her. ---
**Author:** ![butter\_pie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/aca169/32.png) [@butter\_pie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/butter_pie)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/31 "2003-04-11T16:00:13Z")
I confess that I like to touch/play around with people, but not strangers or anyone I don’t know very well – unless they initiate it. I get grabbed and touched quite a bit and while it used to bother me, I think I just became accustomed to it. I like to deliberately walk into people I like. Which usually results in a playful shoving match. No one seems to mind. Then again they are my friends as well as coworkers. We are a lovable bunch. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/32 "2003-04-11T16:07:15Z")
_sigh_ And I have the opposite problem. I _am_, at heart, a touchy-feely (at least with relatively cute men) kind of person. But, like **Lizard** , I’m big, shaved-bald, and my “neutral” facial expression verges on an “I dare you to knock this battery off my shoulder” scowl. So my dreams of barely-acceptable public touch-orgies are frustrated in their infancy. ---
**Author:** ![Gazelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Gazelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gazelle)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/33 "2003-04-11T16:12:19Z")
I probably should have said that I’m a touchy-feely person myself. I don’t do it with malice in my heart and have had people – on several occasions – tell me they don’t like to be touched. And I stopped touching them. It’s a little embarrassing to hear, but I’d rather be embarrassed for a few minutes than make someone else uncomfortable. Sometimes I don’t feel like being touched so I think I understand the feeling. ---
**Author:** ![MysteryFellow63427](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e4f/32.png) [@MysteryFellow63427](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysteryFellow63427)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/34 "2003-04-11T16:26:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tinkertoy \* > \*\*My new co-worker does this to me. It started with her putting her hand on my shoulder when she came up to talk to me. It has progressed in two weeks to rubbing her hand up and down my back. I’ve tried stiffening, moving away and making sure she heard me tell another co-worker that I don’t like to be touched. She continues to touch. \*\* Dude, she wants you! 🙂 Of course, you probably don’t want her or you wouldn’t be complaining about it. I _never_ touch anybody, but it doesn’t really offend me when people touch me. It does seems strange though, because it’s not a behavior I can identify with. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/35 "2003-04-11T16:33:34Z")
I don’t normally have a problem being touched, but I do get startled easily. If someone is going to make it clear they are going to touch me, that’s fine. But if they run up behind me and put my arms around me, its very alarming to me. My roomate’s friend is an interesting case- she will be very touchy to other people, but she herself totally flips out when people touch her. She can dish it out, but she sure as heck can’t take it! It really makes me wonder if she is aware of what she is doing to other people. Often she gets all agitated that classmates/coworkers start reciprocating the same close physical contact she does to them (obviously because she’s implied to them that the type of contact is mutually acceptable) ---
**Author:** ![MLS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/919ad9/32.png) [@MLS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MLS)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/36 "2003-04-11T16:51:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by masonite \* > \*\*For people in the USA working for corporations that have an HR department: > > You know, don’t you, that one quick visit to HR will solve your problem forever? Tell them being touched in an intimate way at work makes you feel uncomfortable. They’ll take it from there. > > I can easily understand why one might not want to go this far, however. \*\* Agree. However, suppose it’s a non-intimate touch? ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/37 "2003-04-11T16:51:44Z")
Job Interview Tip #4: It’s not the firmness of your handshake, or the eye contact you make when shaking hands - the most important part of the Job Interview Handshake is letting go. ---
**Author:** ![3trew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/13edae/32.png) [@3trew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/3trew)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/38 "2003-04-11T17:04:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Munch \* > \*\*Job Interview Tip #4: > It’s not the firmness of your handshake, or the eye contact you make when shaking hands - the most important part of the Job Interview Handshake is letting go. \*\* I am definitely going to try this some time. Just go in, shake hands, and refuse to let go of the interviewer’s hand for any reason whatsoever. I wonder if it’s too late in the week to get an interview scheduled for today? ---
**Author:** ![Tinkertoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f19dbf/32.png) [@Tinkertoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tinkertoy)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/39 "2003-04-11T18:14:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lizard \* > \*\*maybe this coworker is attracted to you? But even so, that sounds like borderline harassment. Are you male or female? \*\* > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by neuroman \* > **Dude, she wants you! > Of course, you probably don’t want her or you wouldn’t be complaining about it.** I’m female and she’s married. But she doen’t do this to the other five women working here. It’s seriously creeping me out. I don’t want to foster ill will, but I’m going to have to just tell her to **Stop it**. ---
**Author:** ![Skerri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f04885/32.png) [@Skerri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skerri)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2003, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/40 "2003-04-11T18:35:50Z")
Tell her to **STOP**. Tell her in no uncertain terms. Don’t use the “it makes me uncomfortable” thing. I think that sounds wishy-washy. I used to work with a woman who practically _insisted_ on touching me whenever she talked to me. At one point, she even _POKED ME IN THE CHEST_. And yes, I am a female, and I was hideously embarrassed. I told her if she touched me one more time, I was going to break her finger off and shove it in her eye. Her response: “Well, you don’t have to be so nasty about it.” My response: “Would you rather have me be nasty about it, or report it to HR?” She never touched me again. Thank God. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984.md?page=3)