# Why are you touching me? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 11, 2003, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984 "2003-04-11T05:51:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![meenie7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7993a0/32.png) [@meenie7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/meenie7)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/61 "2003-04-12T14:58:32Z")
This sort of behavior really makes me mad, not because I don’t like to be touched, but because, as a person with a very mild autism spectrum disorder, I could very well use said disorder as an excuse to touch, hold hands with, hug, kiss and cuddle people I don’t know that well, which I have the urge to do all the time because I crave physical comfort, but I don’t use it as such…I keep my urges to myself, mostly, and only touch or hug people who I know won’t mind. If I can contain myself, people without any disorders should be able to, durn it. ---
**Author:** ![Shadez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/90ced4/32.png) [@Shadez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shadez)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/62 "2003-04-12T15:11:00Z")
I remember my 6th grade teacher (male - - I’m female) did NOT like having me tap his shoulder. He told me rather polietly and it took a few times and apologies before I could catch myself and not do it, but I learned. And he was cool about it 😃 /Shadez ---
**Author:** ![hardygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@hardygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hardygrrl)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/63 "2003-04-12T15:21:04Z")
With people I’m close to, I’m very touchy feely. With strangers though … keep your mitts off me. I hate being touched by strangers. No hugs, no shoulder pats, nothing. When I worked retail, one of my duties was to empty the cash dispenser on the lottery machines. While I was pulling wads of singles out, a co-worker thought it would be funny to sneak up behind me and grab my shoulder. It wasn’t so funny when I kicked him in the shin as hard as I could. If my hands are full of cash, **don’t** touch me unannounced. ---
**Author:** ![j.c](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/73ab20/32.png) [@j.c](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j.c)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/64 "2003-04-12T16:09:53Z")
> [@](#): > > I am small, fast-moving and noisy - or as one of my friends once described me, I look pocket-sized, which at one point in time inspired random people to actually PICK ME UP. I used to fight back by picking up very large people. > [@](#): > > My roomate’s friend is an interesting case- she will be very touchy to other people, but she herself totally flips out when people touch her. She can dish it out, but she sure as heck can’t take it! It really makes me wonder if she is aware of what she is doing to other people. This would be your clue that the roommate is not touching in carefree, puppyish way. I am a bred-in-the-bone do-not-toucher, but I taught myself to be slightly hands on in social certain situations (cocktail parties, conferences, etc.). However, this does not mean I am interested in your boob job. I’m sure they look great - don’t show me, don’t ask me to touch. Puh-leeze. > [@](#): > > There are people in the world who have really good reasons for not wanting to be touched by others–child abuse survivors, rape survivors. These people do not have good reasons for not wanting to be touched; these people have good reasons for being more upset about being touched. In American society today, there is a certain level of touchiness. Getting on with your life means getting to a point where you can deal with that, and all the other crap you’ll have to deal with. One little rant: living in a special-me bubble isn’t healthy. Accept, adjust, and move on. **meenie7** seems to have a wonderful attitude about this! After all, controlling the urge to kiss and cuddle inappropriately is just as difficult as controlling the urge to freak when someone innocently taps your shoulder. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2003, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/65 "2003-04-13T00:13:14Z")
One time, a customer patted my hand, but it wasn’t so bad. I was having a really bad day, the ONLY one on register, and I was all flustered and near tears. When I handed one elderly gentleman his receipt he squeezed my fingers (gently, of course!) and told me to hang in there. That didn’t bother me, because he could see I was having a hard time. But yeah, I HATE touchy-feely people. And why do all the people with hideous dog breath have to get up right in your face? ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2003, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/66 "2003-04-13T02:12:24Z")
\*\* j.c.\*\* - Someone actually asked you to _feel_ her boob job? How bizarre. I’m assuming you’re also female, because I can’t picture a woman asking a man that. I’m another one who doesn’t really like to be touched by strangers. I’m really not comfortable with being touched by coworkers, either, but I’ve gotten used to it, to some extent. Most of my current coworkers are male, and relatively young, so it doesn’t come up often. There is, however, a new woman at work, who is rather touchy. I’ve been working closely with her, for the last two weeks, and she’s touched me several times. No rubbing; just placing a hand on my arm or shoulder. Maybe a pat, or two. I’ve been trying to ignore it, because I don’t think there’s anything seductive or manipulative behind it. And, I like her. She’s a nice person. I don’t look at the hand or make eye contact while she’s touching me. I figure that way I’m not likely to hurt her feelings, and I’m not encouraging her. I also hate it when people crowd me. This is probably not an ideal attitude for some who commutes via public transportation, but what can I do? I can tolerate it, since I have to, under those conditions, but I can’t stand it when someone walks up to me, and just keeps coming. I don’t need to be nose to nose with someone to talk to them. I don’t WANT to be nose to nose with someone when I’m talking to them. One former coworker was so bad about this that I got in the habit of putting out my hand, at arm’s length, when I saw him coming. He’d walk into it, and then look confused. But, that hand wasn’t budging. Once, he even tried walking AROUND it, to get closer. The new thing I’ve noticed, lately, particularly during my commute, is people BACKING into your face. Like it’s okay, as long as THEY don’t have to look at YOU. They’ll walk toward you, stop at a normal distance, turn around, then back up anywhere from one to three steps. The worst of these offenders almost ended up stepping on my toes. That one forced me to move. Excuse me? I may be large, but I’M NOT A FUCKING WALL! Get the fuck out of my face! I’ve actually managed NOT to yell at these assholes, yet, but I figure it’s only a matter of time. Either that, or I’ll straight arm one of them, and send them flying. And, then _I’ll_ be the bad guy. ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2003, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/67 "2003-04-13T06:17:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Janx \* > \*\*Damn… > > You would HATE it here in Brazil! Your expected to (are you sitting down) _KISS_ people of the opposite Sex \* that you only JUST MET _. I’m a male, and at the bar its not unusual when some one you know (of the same Sex) comes in and gives you a good sturdy embrace, and then stands there while his wife awaits her peck on the cheek. And the stools are embedded in to the floor so you cant move them_ less then one fore arms length away from the next !\* If you don’t know somebody when you sit down for a brew or to have a quick lunch, you will by the time you leave, because your arms are touching \* the whole time \*. Oh and if you try to keep you distance, everyone will think your a freak, and have nothing to do with you! This goes for work and all social engagements as well. It took me years to get over the personal space issue, now if I visit the states again it is hard for me to get over how profoundly COLD we Americans seem. \*\* I’ve been to southern Mexico, where well-bred young women greet strangers with a kiss on the cheek. Unfortunately, _nobody_ warned me about this! I had been there two days when an unbelievably gorgeous friend-of-a-friend just walked up to me and planted one. (And when I say gorgeous, I’m not kidding. She could’ve been a model.) I had to sit with my legs crossed for the next 20 minutes. This Mexican custom placed me in a quandry the whole time I was there. On the one hand, I had grown used to and comfortable with people staying out of my personal space, for reasons I detailed in my last post. But on the other hand, who could complain about being kissed by attractive young women? And they were _all_ atractive down there! I couldn’t disassociate the act from some sort of subconscious sexual connotation, no matter how hard I tried (no pun intended). ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2003, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/68 "2003-04-13T06:47:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by belladonna \* > [But for some reason, even those people who wouldn’t normally be touchers see a pregnant belly and lose all self control. I don’t know how many times in the past couple months I’ve been startled by some random stranger’s hand snaking out and rubbing my belly like a goddamn magic lamp. And the bigger I get, the more at risk I seem to be. The other day, a coworker who I’ve never interacted with before came up to me in the lunchroom, put her arm around my shoulders and started massaging my baby bulge with her other hand. Ick! Older women seem to be the worst about this. IMHO, this is a separate issue, though related. There is just something so irrestistable about touching a pregnant belly to some of us. I loved most of being pregnant, and despite my dislike of “touchers” and personal space invaders, I was pretty tolerant of belly rubbers at that time in my life. I’m NOT a toucher, and I’m a high priestess in good standing of the “give me my 3 feet of personal space” church, but I still itch to touch a pregnant belly for some weird reason (I NEVER do, unless the person is a friend, and I’ve been given permission, as in “feel the baby’s elbow, or kick etc”), but there it is, pregnant bellies have some sort of magical power.😃 ---
**Author:** ![Angua](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8baadc/32.png) [@Angua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angua)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2003, 10:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/69 "2003-04-13T10:06:47Z")
I’m a mix of both, having been born into a culture where a hug and a kiss on the cheek is a standard greeting, but raised in England 🙂 That said, I will give people their personal space, and I do insist on mine. However, for reasons documented elsewhere (generally in MPSIMS), one of the lecturers I work with does not get this personal space thing (well, with regards to me at any rate). One particular example springs to mind. I was demonstrating a first year lab (covering for a friend), where this lecturer, we’ll call him D, was head of lab. Not a problem I thought, since I knew what he could be like, I’ll just stay out of his way. Which didn’t happen. The group I was supposed to be looking after didn’t show up, and I was hanging around the lab not doing a lot. So, D asked me to demonstrate the other experiments, particularly the ones involving data analysis on the computer, which I agreed to. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I was helping one pair with some analysis on the computer, and we were trying to find the Mathcad worksheet set up for their data analysis. I had no idea where it was, having exhausted all possible ideas and done numerous searches. There was less than a foot gap between the stool I was sat on and the computer (this is pertinent). Having admitted defeat, the only thing I could do was to call the head of class over and ask for help. So, D comes over, and asks what the problem is. I tell him that I can’t find the relevant worksheet and does he know which one it is. He squeezes into the narrow gap between me and the computer desk, such that his back and head are pressed against my legs, so that he can get to the computer. :eek: I couldn’t say anything, surrounded by undergrad students, as it would have looked very unprofessional on both our parts, but my jaw did drop in shock. The worst thing is, he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. What’s wrong with saying, “ **Angua** , excuse me, could you move please so I can have a look?” But I suppose that would have deprived him of the opportunity to get close to me. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2003, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984/70 "2003-04-13T16:30:17Z")
I have a question for all y’all; it’s been noted that Canadians and Australians have the largest personal spaces of all nationalities, but it sounds like you Americans have pretty large personal spaces, too. Any Americans who have spent time in Canada (or Canadians who’ve spent time in the US) - do you find that Canadians and Americans have pretty much the same personal space requirements? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-are-you-touching-me/167984.md?page=3)