# Why ask for advice just to shoot it down? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 7, 2013, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-ask-for-advice-just-to-shoot-it-down/649651 "2013-02-07T23:41:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![grude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47774/32.png) [@grude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grude)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2013, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-ask-for-advice-just-to-shoot-it-down/649651/1 "2013-02-07T23:41:19Z")
I have to talk to someone who often asks for advice, but then just shoots it down or discounts it.😕 It is pretty odd, leaves me wondering why they ask if they ALWAYS just end up going with the situation they are unsatisfied with. Like they would ask where they could get some routine car work done more cheaply than a place they went that gave them an outrageous quote, so I’d say well you could go here, there, or hell there are mechanics advertising on craigslist even and they will come to your house and do it for $X. They reply they don’t like that place, that other place is too far to drive, and no way would they let a possible serial killer know where they live and they don’t want a mess made in their driveway that they will have to clean up! 😕You’re left going uh ok then, sounds like the place you hated in the first place is worth the price to you, I’d go with them.:smack: That is just an example, extrapolate it to dozens of situations. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2013, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-ask-for-advice-just-to-shoot-it-down/649651/2 "2013-02-08T00:08:28Z")
Simple. They want to hear you tell them what they’re already thinking. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2013, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-ask-for-advice-just-to-shoot-it-down/649651/3 "2013-02-08T00:22:56Z")
This is a good example of the downsides to crowdsourcing. They are, either unwittingly or deliberately trying to get other people to reinforce their own decisions. If you suggest something theyre unwilling to do, they’ll dismiss it for some bullshit reason. If you suggest something they WANT to do, they’ll feel happy and validated. I see this a lot when people ask dumb questions on messageboards like, “should I get a tenth cat?” ---
**Author:** ![Mighty\_Mouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mighty_mouse/32/7776_2.png) [@Mighty\_Mouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mighty_Mouse)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2013, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-ask-for-advice-just-to-shoot-it-down/649651/4 "2013-02-08T01:21:13Z")
> [@grude](#): > > I have to talk to someone who often asks for advice, but then just shoots it down or discounts it.😕 It is pretty odd, leaves me wondering why they ask if they ALWAYS just end up going with the situation they are unsatisfied with. > . They are hoping you suggest a better alternative than the best one they have, but you have never delivered? ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2013, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-ask-for-advice-just-to-shoot-it-down/649651/5 "2013-02-08T01:57:50Z")
This can be a problem in long-term relationships, too. Some people interpret a desire for emotional validation as a request for advice. Other people may ask for advice, when what they really want is emotional validation. I am guilty of over-dispensing advice when what my boyfriend wants is for me to commiserate. So, we compromise. I made a concerted effort to stop offering advice unless he explicitly asks for it. Now, when he wants advice, he explicitly says, “What do you think?” or “Do you have any advice?” It works for us. At the same time, nobody likes a negative nancy. It’s my belief that, at some point, you cede your right to complain about an issue when you refuse to do anything to fix it. It’s part of the human condition. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2013, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-ask-for-advice-just-to-shoot-it-down/649651/6 "2013-02-08T02:03:26Z")
Have you called them on it - asked them flat out why they’re asking you for advice if they won’t accept any of it? ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2013, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-ask-for-advice-just-to-shoot-it-down/649651/7 "2013-02-08T02:07:57Z")
Perhaps they are seeking input, not answers. ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2013, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-ask-for-advice-just-to-shoot-it-down/649651/8 "2013-02-08T03:29:05Z")
When somebody asks me for advice, I say “What have you already tried?” or “What have you already considered?” It’s not productive when I have a problem and people either offer idiotic advice (“Have you tried looking on the internet?”) or suggest things I’ve already rejected for various reasons. So I try to shortstop all that, so if I offer advice and it gets shot down, at least I have a chance to offer new advice. A lot of people just want to say the various options out loud so they can hear them. ---
**Author:** ![epbrown01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ba0ec/32.png) [@epbrown01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/epbrown01)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2013, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-ask-for-advice-just-to-shoot-it-down/649651/9 "2013-02-08T05:26:28Z")
> [@Mighty\_Mouse](#): > > They are hoping you suggest a better alternative than the best one they have, but you have never delivered? They’re hoping you have a solution that involves absolutely no effort on their part. The most popular advice in the world? “Why don’t you sleep on it?” ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2013, 7:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-ask-for-advice-just-to-shoot-it-down/649651/10 "2013-02-08T07:23:47Z")
In my experience there are three main reasons why people do this: 1. They were hoping for a magical solution that would call for no effort on their part. 2. They weren’t and are not looking for a solution at all, but want to be the centre of attention for a while. 3. \ ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2013, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-ask-for-advice-just-to-shoot-it-down/649651/11 "2013-02-08T14:27:23Z")
To rationalize the decision they’ve already made, knowing it’s probably the wrong decision but one they are prepared to defend tooth and nail. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2013, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-ask-for-advice-just-to-shoot-it-down/649651/12 "2013-02-08T14:30:48Z")
> [@Sigmagirl](#): > > When somebody asks me for advice, I say “What have you already tried?” or “What have you already considered?” These are great, I also use ‘What are your options?’ followed up with ‘So what are you going to do?’ Which, when you think about it, is basically asking them to solve their own problem. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2013, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-ask-for-advice-just-to-shoot-it-down/649651/13 "2013-02-08T15:51:46Z")
The term I have heard for such people is “ask-holes”, and I agree it is more about validation and self attention than solving a problem. Let’s talk about me! ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2013, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-ask-for-advice-just-to-shoot-it-down/649651/14 "2013-02-08T15:53:36Z")
> [@malacandra](#): > > in my experience there are three main reasons why people do this: > > 1. They were hoping for a magical solution that would call for no effort on their part. > 2. They weren’t and are not looking for a solution at all, but want to be the centre of attention for a while. > 3. \ I see what you did there 😉 ---
**Author:** ![misling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3ab097/32.png) [@misling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/misling)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2013, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-ask-for-advice-just-to-shoot-it-down/649651/15 "2013-02-08T18:05:12Z")
Back in the 70s, there was a book that described human social interactions (dysfunctional ones, mostly) as “games”. The name of this game is “Why Don’t You-Yes But”. It was silly pop psych, but the names & descriptions of the games were quite entertaining. ---
**Author:** ![Yarster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/7c8e57/32.png) [@Yarster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yarster)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2013, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-ask-for-advice-just-to-shoot-it-down/649651/16 "2013-02-08T18:18:47Z")
Echoing what **Malacandra** already stated, in my experience, they are looking for a magical, no effort solution, and when you don’t provide one, they shoot it down. In other words, the acceptable answer for “Where is a cheaper place to get work done on my car to fix item X” is not “Go to this place because they have good rates”. It is “Let me take a look at X to see if maybe you just need to have it tightened down with a screwdriver, which I can do for you for free right now using tools you own” The questions you are being asked is either not being asked correctly, is a rhetorical question meant simply to gain your sympathy, or the person is trying to get consensus on their per-conceived approach. Every once in while when I have asked a question like this, I have already researched various approaches that don’t work. So, when you suggest one of these, I may shoot it down because I know it doesn’t work from past experience. In this case, the person in question may be doing that as well, but not explaining to you that they already have knowledge your approach doesn’t work. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2013, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-ask-for-advice-just-to-shoot-it-down/649651/17 "2013-02-09T02:19:10Z")
I’ve always liked my wife’s way of shutting down this execise in futility when she’d had enough: “Are you looking for advice or affirmation?” ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2013, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-ask-for-advice-just-to-shoot-it-down/649651/18 "2013-02-09T05:24:01Z")
I could’ve sworn I already posted this, but my post isn’t here. In Transactional Analysis, this is a game called [Why Don’t You/Yes, But](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis#Why_Don.27t_You.2FYes_But). > [@](#): > > “Why Don’t You, Yes But” can proceed indefinitely, with any number of players in the Black role, until Black’s imagination is exhausted, and she can think of no other solutions. At this point, White “wins” by having stumped Black. After a silent pause following Black’s final suggestion, the game is often brought to a formal end by a third role, Green, who makes a comment such as, “It just goes to show how difficult it is to lose weight.” > > The secondary gain for White was that he could claim to have justified his problem as insoluble and thus avoid the hard work of internal change; and for Black, to either feel the frustrated martyr (“I was only trying to help”) or a superior being, disrespected (“the patient was uncooperative”). ---
**Author:** ![Tollhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e99b99/32.png) [@Tollhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tollhouse)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2013, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-ask-for-advice-just-to-shoot-it-down/649651/19 "2013-02-09T06:46:29Z")
The other thing which may or may not apply to the op is that some people who offer advice expect you to automatically follow it. I think it can be helpful to have input to hear different posible options,to consider and weigh diferent ideas. Ultimately I might go solely with their advice,or I might go with a variation on it,or neither. When I offer advice to someone, I feel lie the person just wants to hear ideas and ultimately come to a decision based on all the information they have. ---
**Author:** ![Shiloh2013](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e79b87/32.png) [@Shiloh2013](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shiloh2013)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2013, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-ask-for-advice-just-to-shoot-it-down/649651/20 "2013-02-09T13:25:55Z")
I sometimes look for someone to take a position in a back and forth to serve as a sounding board for my thoughts and to challenge them. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-ask-for-advice-just-to-shoot-it-down/649651.md?page=2)