# Why ChiefScott is Afraid of Toilets
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-chiefscott-is-afraid-of-toilets/24650
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [July 5, 2000, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-chiefscott-is-afraid-of-toilets/24650 "2000-07-05T15:58:44Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)
#### Post date: [July 5, 2000, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-chiefscott-is-afraid-of-toilets/24650/1 "2000-07-05T15:58:44Z")
This was buried in a different thread. At the urging of some of the posters there, I’m giving it it’s own thread.
Travel back in time with me to the summer of 1993.
I was just wrapping up a three year stint as the head of the Armed Forces Radio and Television station at Sigonella, Sicily. My wife, now ex, and myself had been packing for weeks, excited about my tour of duty in Philadelphia, Pa., as a recruiting district public affairs officer and bringing my newborn son home. We’d shipped most of our household goods already. The furniture was gone, car shipped, most of our clothes.
Since we were leaving in two days, we were making the final sweep around the apartment at about 10 p.m. We had to vacate the premises by 8 a.m. and would spend our last night in a hotel. The ex passed by the bathroom and told me to take down the shower curtain and pack it.
We had nothing to stand on, so I hiked myself up on the toilet seat and proceeded to unhook the curtain from the rings.
A moment of digression, if you’ll indulge me. Italian toilets are not like American toilets. The bowls are narrower, their rims are higher off the floor. While many toilet seats in America are made of laminated wood or sturdy plastic, the seats and lids of Italian toilets are made of flimsy, semi-rigid plastic.
As I stood on the seat, leaning over, I felt the seat cover buckle. It went from convex to concave but still supported my weight. The next part of the story comes from the ex’s observations, ‘cause I don’t remember this part.
She was in the kitchen feeding Skirmie when she heard a crack, yell and thud. She set down my son, ran into the bathroom and began screaming. Alerting our downstairs neighbors, who happened to be Navy corpsmen.
The lid had snapped in two lengthwise. I dropped straight down and my foot crunched through the bottom of the toilet all the way to the sub-floor. The bowl cracked and all the water had run out, now tinged red from my blood. I laid on my side, unconscious as blood spouted from a wound in my foot up out of the bowl onto the back wall (The next day I hobbled into the bathroom and the blood was easily 4 ft. up the wall!). My knee was twisted at an impossible angle as my foot was impaled on the jagged porcelain at the bottom of the bowl.
My downstairs neighbor had run up. He helped my ex pull me out of the shitter, apply direct pressure and got me down the stairs to our car. His wife remained with my son.
We had a Seat Cinque-cento, a very small car with a 500 cc engine. We’d sent our American car home already! They got me in the back seat, my wife drove and Jason attended to me. I remember a little of the 40 minute drive to the hospital.
Once at the hospital they asked my wife what happened.
“He fell in the toilet!” They about busted their ribs laughing.
Anyway, to make a long story short (too late), they sewed up a nick in an artery, installed a drain, shot me up with all kinds of drugs to prevent sepsis, and sewed me up – laughing the entire time! My plight eventually was written up and used as an example for bathroom safety in a Navy-wide newsletter.
They held on to me until about 1000. My wife had to leave, cause our land lord was to inspect our apartment at 0800. He about fainted when he saw the bathroom. He told my wife we’d have to clean the entire bathroom and replace the toilet before he would sign our paperwork! No paperwork, no flight home!
So I get discharged. We try to check into a hotel. I’m confined to a wheel chair and the first thee hotels won’t accept me. They don’t want to deal with the liability. I finally make an imposition to another friend and we move in for the evening.
I say, fuck the wheelchair, and start to hobble about. I still had to get up to the apartment to get the paperwork signed. By now my foot is numb from all the pain from trying to hobble around. I borrow a set of crutches. I get there, throw a shit load of money at the landlord and he reluctantly signs the paperwork. He seems really nervous. Finally he says, “Senore, you are leaking.”
Apparently he didn’t have in his vocabulary the word for bleeding, ‘cause I had busted my stitches, and was leaving bright red footprints all over the apartment. Another trip to the hospital.
“Why were you up and about?”
“I had to get my toilet fixed before I could leave this blasted island.”
“Are you the guy who took forty stitches after he fell into his toilet?”
“Yeah.”
“Wow. They already have the interview sheet the admitting nurse filled out with your wife posted in the lounge. It’s a riot!”
Thank God they don’t issue sidearms in the Navy.
Well, we spend the night. I get wheeled down to the airport. We present our paperwork preparing to board the 18 hour flight.
“I’m sorry sir. You can’t board without note from your doctor saying it’s alright.”
“Don’t move,” I tell the ex. I see another friend of mine in the terminal, tell him I need to borrow his car. He throws me the keys. I get out of the wheelchair, grimacing all the way, walk outside, get into the car and realize it’s a standard! I can’t fucking drive it.
I grab my buddy. He drives me to the hospital like a madman – I’m gonna make this plane!!
We get to the hospital. Get the doctor. Get him to call the gate. Hobble back out to the car. Dash back to the airport. I drop into a wheel chair and he rolls me to the gate. My ex and son are already aboard.
I show my ticket to the stewardess (a civilian contracted plane).
The doctor had apparently called to clear things up because I was greeted with an enthusiastic: “Are you the gentleman who fell into his toilet the day before yesterday? We thought that was a joke!”
“Fuck you very much.”
So get on the plane we take off. 18 hours of cabin compression. I had to sit in the aisle with my foot elevated ‘cause the entire flight was booked.
We land at Philly. I get to be the first person of the plane. They radioed ahead for a skycap to meet us with a wheel chair.
I hobble off.
“Are you the guy who fell in the toilet? That cracked me up!” says the sky cap. Grumbling I look at his nametag for a name to curse: Steve Wentzel.
I say, “My sister is marrying a guy named Bob Wentzel in three weeks!"
“You’re Sandy’s brother? Wait till I tell Bob what happened to you!”
Being wheeled through the airport. Cab ride to Moms. Hobble up to the front door. Ring the bell. Dad opens it.
“Please don’t break my toilets.”
Needless to say, my family has never, and will never, let me live down those two seconds of stupidity.
p.s. The damn shower curtains were too stained with blood to save. We ended up throwing them away.
---
### Author:  [@Bluesman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bluesman)
#### Post date: [July 5, 2000, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-chiefscott-is-afraid-of-toilets/24650/2 "2000-07-05T16:21:48Z")
Chief, I can’t BELIEVE this! YOU were that guy? Man, I read all about that dumb-ass Navy dude in the Safety Admiral’s newsletter when we were in Misawa. And now, it turns out that I KNOW that dumb-ass! Got a helluva giggle from that, Chief…
Bet you had to get toilet-trained all over again after that, huh?
Can’t wait to check out the bird-farm next month.
---
### Author:  [@Bluesman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bluesman)
#### Post date: [July 5, 2000, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-chiefscott-is-afraid-of-toilets/24650/3 "2000-07-05T16:21:48Z")
Chief, I can’t BELIEVE this! YOU were that guy? Man, I read all about that dumb-ass Navy dude in the Safety Admiral’s newsletter when we were in Misawa. And now, it turns out that I KNOW that dumb-ass! Got a helluva giggle from that, Chief…
Bet you had to get toilet-trained all over again after that, huh?
Can’t wait to check out the bird-farm next month.
---
### Author:  [@struuter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/struuter)
#### Post date: [July 5, 2000, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-chiefscott-is-afraid-of-toilets/24650/4 "2000-07-05T16:32:33Z")
That was hard to read…I can’t imagine how painful it was…oh wait. Yes I can. Sort of. And I have a little story to hopefully make you feel better (while making me look like an idiot in the process…oh well, it had to come out eventually).
I’ll make it short.
Kids get Spring Break. Five days. Parents will take them the whole time. Hooray. Plan on spending entire time with friends we NEVER get to see. Drop off kids with folks. Everybody’s happy. Drive to friends’ apartment. Get stuff out of car. Walking up sidewalk with luggage. I step on edge of cement sidewalk (I have no balance), fall, tear ligaments in ankle. Have to walk up three flights of stairs only to find that said ankle is big as a softball. Walk down steps again, drive to hospital. I spend the next five days on friends’ couch. Can’t go anywhere. Not even to the bathroom without difficulty.
The good side? I had three men waiting on me the whole time. And no kids to worry about.
You have my sympathy.
struuter
---
### Author:  [@jayron\_32](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayron_32)
#### Post date: [July 5, 2000, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-chiefscott-is-afraid-of-toilets/24650/5 "2000-07-05T16:39:34Z")
That was simply a brilliant story. Funniest thing I read since Wally’s gerbil death story. Hilarious. I read it at work, and it took me all my power not to crack up…
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### Author:  [@CanadianSue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanadianSue)
#### Post date: [July 5, 2000, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-chiefscott-is-afraid-of-toilets/24650/6 "2000-07-05T17:06:50Z")
Note to self… if Chief ever comes to Canada, install porta potty.
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### Author:  [@SSgtBaloo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSgtBaloo)
#### Post date: [July 5, 2000, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-chiefscott-is-afraid-of-toilets/24650/7 "2000-07-05T17:36:06Z")
Chief! Thanks for reminding me about those wonderful Navy safety bulletins.
I used to be the Safety NCO for our shop. Part of the reason I got the job was because I could keep a straight face while reading those bulletins (I had to read them to myself several times before I was ready to keep from cracking up). I used to love getting those things because the Air Force safety bulletins were written in such a dessicated style. I could just imagine the the reaction if someone asked the officer in charge of our (AF) safety program if we could write ours in a more personal style: **"It’s SAFETY, dammit! There’s NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT SAFETY!"**
Yeah, right. Put 'em to sleep and they’ll never get the message either. I’ve always had a bit of extra respect for our seagoing brothers-in-arms who rated their people’s safety above their own dignity.
Now, here’s what I’m really after: are those bulletins available for download from the web?
~~Baloo
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### Author:  [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)
#### Post date: [July 5, 2000, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-chiefscott-is-afraid-of-toilets/24650/8 "2000-07-05T18:19:25Z")
Yo chief? You wanna come wreck my apartment before I move out of this hellhole? _grinning_
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### Author:  [@BigJoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigJoe)
#### Post date: [July 5, 2000, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-chiefscott-is-afraid-of-toilets/24650/9 "2000-07-05T18:40:28Z")
Damn it Chief! You just made me snort Diet Coke all over my keyboard.
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### Author:  [@Lord\_Vega](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Vega)
#### Post date: [July 5, 2000, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-chiefscott-is-afraid-of-toilets/24650/10 "2000-07-05T19:26:01Z")
I sure miss those bulletins. My last duty station before I retired was Asst. Safety Officer at a large ship repair base on the east coast. Every monday morning the new safety sheet would come out and we’d read it and mutter to ourselves, “What a dumba$$” The most painful one I remember was one about an officer holding a 2x4 between his legs and trying to cut it with a circular saw. The saw got stuck and the 2x4 jerked. I’ll leave the rest to ya’lls imagination.
V.
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### Author:  [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)
#### Post date: [July 6, 2000, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-chiefscott-is-afraid-of-toilets/24650/11 "2000-07-06T00:13:33Z")
> [@](#):
>
> Why ChiefScott is Afraid of Toilets
You mean, it _wasn’t_ the traumatic childhood “Ti-Dee-Bowl” incident? 😃
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### Author:  [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)
#### Post date: [July 6, 2000, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-chiefscott-is-afraid-of-toilets/24650/12 "2000-07-06T00:49:37Z")
Poor Chief! It sounds like a harrowing, painful, stressful time for you, and you mustn’t assume the howling, tears down the face, rib-clutching laughter in any way implies a lack of sympathy.
That is a classic, a true classic.
Since in ship parlance a toilet is called the head, can we safely say, “Chief Scott is afraid of head!”?
Snickering madly,
Veb
P.S. You’re a gent and a true good sport to share that with us.
---
### Author:  [@Arnold\_Winkelried](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arnold_Winkelried)
#### Post date: [July 6, 2000, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-chiefscott-is-afraid-of-toilets/24650/13 "2000-07-06T00:57:00Z")
ChiefScott, what are you complaining about? You made it into the Navy newsletter! You should be proud. 😃
For those who still don’t fear toilets after reading of ChiefScott’s adventure, I’ll add this Straight Dope Column: [Did a vacuum-flush commode once suck a woman’s insides out?](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a5_260.html)
(believe it or not, the answer given by Cecil Adams is **yes** ). :eek:
---
### Author:  [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)
#### Post date: [July 6, 2000, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-chiefscott-is-afraid-of-toilets/24650/14 "2000-07-06T02:29:44Z")
Hey mods? How do you nominate something for Threadspotting? _innocent smile at Chiefy_
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### Author:  [@douglips](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/douglips)
#### Post date: [July 6, 2000, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-chiefscott-is-afraid-of-toilets/24650/15 "2000-07-06T17:13:56Z")
I have tried in vain to find the original report of Chief’s accident. However, it was not entirely a waste of time as I did find the [Air Force Ground Safety Library](http://www-afsc.saia.af.mil/AFSC/RDBMS/Ground/library.html) - I especially like the _Navy Mishap Summary Pages_, with gems such as
> [@](#):
>
> FINALLY, YOU GOTTA FEEL SORRY FOR A GUY WHO CAN’T
> REMEMBER WHERE HE STASHES HIS ATHLETIC TOYS.
> THIS MARINE, WHILE TRYING TO DO HIS PART FOR NATIONAL
> DEFENSE BY HOLDING A FIELD DAY IN HIS ROOM IN THE BARRACKS,
> WAS LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO STOW HIS DIRTY UNIFORMS.
> SUDDENLY HE SPIES THE CORNER OF HIS OLD LAUNDRY BAG DANGLING
> OVER THE TOP OF HIS LOCKER AND, IN A MOVE THAT WOULD MAKE
> MICHAEL JORDAN SMILE, HE LEAPED UP AND, AT THE TOP OF THIS
> MOST GRACEFUL ARC, MANAGED TO GRAB THE CORNER OF THE BAG
> BEFORE HE STARTED DOWN.
> UNNNNFORTUNATELY, THE UNEXPECTED RESISTANCE þ THAT
> SURPRISING JERK THAT HE FELT FROM THE BAG AS HE FELL BACK TO
> EARTH þ WAS HIS LONG-LOST BOWLING BALL WHICH HAD BEEN
> SITTING UP THERE, GATHERING DUST ON TOP OF THIS EQUALLY
> LONG-LOST LAUNDRY BAG, FOR MONTHS.
> NOW IT WAS DISLODGED. NOW IT WAS FOUND. NOW IT WAS
> PLUMMETING EARTHWARD IN A RACE TO SEE WHO (THE BOWLING BALL
> OR THE MARINE) WOULD HIT THE FLOOR FIRST.
> WELL, THE MARINE WON. BUT NOT BY MUCH. NOT BY ENOUGH,
> IN FACT, FOR HIM TO LAND AND GET OUT OF THE WAY BEFORE THE
> BALL SCORED A SPARE ON HIS FOOT þ DIDN’T CRUSH ALL THEM
> BONES þ JUST MOST OF THEM.
If you can handle reading ALL CAPS MESSAGES it’s pretty funny/sobering. I tried to find similar reports at the [Naval Safety Center](http://safetycenter.navy.mil/), but without success.
Thanks for an amusing/tragic tale, Chief. I hope you have no lingering ill effect other than toiletphobia.
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### Author:  [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)
#### Post date: [July 6, 2000, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-chiefscott-is-afraid-of-toilets/24650/16 "2000-07-06T22:48:14Z")
This is why I keep coming back. Stories like this are priceless.
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### Author:  [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2000, 9:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-chiefscott-is-afraid-of-toilets/24650/17 "2000-07-07T09:40:21Z")
Its amazing how some things come together when you least expect them to. I hadn’t told this story in years.
I went for my annual physical today. I’m sitting in my skivvies, the doctor was reviewing my file. I don’t care how long he takes cause at least the Medical Ward’s AC is working. All of a sudden he bursts out laughing, turns around on his little stool and says, “Let me see your left foot.”
He checks out the scar and says, “A toilet did this to you? You got off lucky!”
“Yeah, real luck doc.”
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### Author:  [@JBurton99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JBurton99)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2000, 10:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-chiefscott-is-afraid-of-toilets/24650/18 "2000-07-07T10:07:50Z")
ROFLMAO That was too damn funny Chief. Hey, did you get a Purple Fart, ops i mean, Heart for that? Sorry dude, i couldn’t resist. 😉
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### Author:  [@JimmyNipples](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JimmyNipples)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2000, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-chiefscott-is-afraid-of-toilets/24650/19 "2000-07-07T15:06:11Z")
ChiefScott:
You are a funny man.
Well told story.
I take it you are a braodcaster of sorts?
Tell me about your job…if you feel inclined.
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### Author:  [@JimmyNipples](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JimmyNipples)
#### Post date: [July 7, 2000, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-chiefscott-is-afraid-of-toilets/24650/20 "2000-07-07T15:18:02Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by JimmyNipples \*
> \*\*ChiefScott:
>
> I take it you are a braodcaster of sorts?
>
> \*\*
Well…you’re probably not one of those…but you might be a \*\* broadcaster\*\*
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