# Why did I let myself fall for him? \*TMI\* **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 20, 2001, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738 "2001-09-20T04:09:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738/21 "2001-09-20T13:12:41Z")
Normal? Well, I dunno. Most teenage GUYS want to have sex with 100’s. Thats becasue they have lower stnadards than most girls. I am 42, and have had 5 lovers. And I think that is way too high a number. ---
**Author:** ![Pedro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/919ad9/32.png) [@Pedro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pedro)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738/22 "2001-09-20T13:28:00Z")
Sorry but methinks your views on sexuality are screwed up. I also thought you meant four girls at the same time. But past history… so what? There is getting laid and there is sex with someone you love. The second is much better but is the first a sin (safe sex)? And Guys have to cope with their hormones you know… it’s not like I would be tainted by the number of sexual partners I have had without knowing anything about my sexual behavior. I also don’t understand the whole marriage mentality. Why are you worried about being a good catch? You want someone to provide for you? Then I would understand… You want to show your girlfriends how your husband is so much more this and that? Why don’t you live your life according to your values and let that happen naturaly? I would not consider marrying a woman who **forced** her virginity into marriage (unless she was great in bed). But that is just me. I must say you fit the stereotype perfectly. That’s just my opinion, wish you luck. ---
**Author:** ![Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/angel_of_the_lord/32/2949_2.png) [@Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angel_of_the_Lord)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738/23 "2001-09-20T13:41:03Z")
You know, just to share…I can understand why this is bothering **Little Bird**. When you want to spend the rest of your life with someone–or when that’s the kind of relationship that you’re looking for–and you take sex as something that requires a huge committment, then four pertners seems like a really, really big number. This is especially true with women, I think (although I may be stereotyping a bit. I know that my bf has asked a few times whether I’ve fucked anyone else. Because, you know, it could have changed since I’d talked to him last :rolleyes: ). It just boggles some of us, I guess. Especially those of us who haven’t had all that much experience. ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738/24 "2001-09-20T13:46:07Z")
Well, I think you don’t have much to worry about. Four doesn’t strike me as all that high. Heck, you might view it this way, if he’s as nice as you seem to think he is then it’s almost certain that his _opportunities_ have been way higher than four. If he limited himself (for whatever reason) doesn’t that show an admirable sense of self-control? And as for whether a woman with ‘experience’ is still marriagable material I think that’s just silly. When you want to marry that’ll be the last thing on your mind. You aren’t ‘damaged’ in any way. ---
**Author:** ![lno](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a8b319/32.png) [@lno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lno)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738/25 "2001-09-20T14:05:59Z")
I’d hesitate a bit before saying **Little Bird’s** views of sexuality or love or antipasto are screwed up. My thoughts changed radically from 16 to 18 to 20 to 22 to 24, I think I’m pretty cool with my opinions now, and I doubt that I’m very screwed up. (Maybe in other ways…) **LB** : I felt a similar way once or twice when I was younger. (Heh- only 24, and talking like an old man.) I dealt with it by taking some time just to myself, thinking it through, and eventually talking it through to find out of those previous to me were ‘targets of opportunity’ or not. Some people fall in love easily, but the emotions are no less real than those for the person who takes a year or more to admit they’re in love. (On a probably-less-helpful note, when I was 19 and working a summer job, a coworker advised me to always answer the question “How many have you slept with?” with “Four.” No matter if it’s ten, fifty, or one hundred, never say more than four. At that time, I was still way below four, though.) (And stats, hmm. I suppose “at bats” could be potential opportunities, and we’ve already got terminology for getting to first base, second base, third base, etc. I suppose we should come up with definitions for stolen bases, walks, hit by pitch… you know, this could be a moneymaking idea.) ---
**Author:** ![Profane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e47774/32.png) [@Profane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Profane)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738/26 "2001-09-20T14:34:21Z")
Like **Primaflora** , I had an adventurous youth, but I am now happily married with two younguns. It will be my 5th anniversary this year, and I’ve never even _thought_ about another guy. [sub]I was such a slut! ;)[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738/27 "2001-09-20T14:42:05Z")
> [@](#): > > a coworker advised me to always answer the question “How many have you slept with?” with “Four.” No matter if it’s ten, fifty, or one hundred, never say more than four. At that time, I was still way below four, though. No, no, no, that’s not how you do it! You look at them thoughtfully without answering and you wait for it… if they repeat the question or say “Well?”, etc – “I’m COUNTING!!! Dammit, now I have to start over…” ---
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738/28 "2001-09-20T14:50:30Z")
> [@](#): > > I was told during my OB/GYN rotation that the average American has five sexual partners over the course of a lifetime. Four by the age of 20 is probably above average at that age, but it wouldn’t raise my eyebrows. Five sex partners over your entire life?? No wonder straight people are so cranky! 😃 Look at it this way; if your potential SO has had four women, chances are he knows what he’s doing in the sack, unlike some fumbling virgin. As long as you insist that he wrap his rascal and you play by the safer sex rules, you shouldn’t sweat his past. ---
**Author:** ![More\_Cowbell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@More\_Cowbell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/More_Cowbell)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738/29 "2001-09-20T15:23:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Little Bird \* > \*\*“Why not?” I prettymuch let my hormones run wild and had a damn fine time doing it and thought it was just for fun. Then, on sunday night, I realised that I had developed feelings for the guy. And I was cool with it because I thought he really liked me (and who knows, perhaps he does) and all that fun stuff. > > _snip…_ > > This is all happening way faster than I had intended, hell, I didn’t intend ANY of this to even happen! > > _snip…_ > > But the ONE thing I do NOT want is to not be remembered. I wanna be in love with the guy and him in love with me and now shit here’s a guy I thought it was gonna be great with and here he’s fucked FOUR GIRLS who were NOT ME and how do I know if he loved any of them? How do I have a chance to compete with FOUR GIRLS?\*\* Ok, you are worried about a guy you had sex with who you didn’t love either having sex without loving other people? What about the next guy you are with, are you going to tell him you slept with 2 people now, and with one of them you weren’t in love, you just got carried away and let your hormones take over? You wouldn’t want them to hold that against you, would you? You’d want them to accept you for you, not for your past. At least I would. You mentioned that you developed feelings afterwards for him, and now wondering if he was in love with all four girls? And why do you feel you are competing with ANY of them? For the record, I had slept with 3 girls by the time I was 20 and started being sexually active when I was 17. So depending on when he started, 4 isn’t so bad a number. I was in love with 2 of them, and one was a weekend “fling”. But I don’t think I even truly knew what love was at that age anyway. Thinking of my friends back then, 4 doesn’t seem like too many, about normal. I think you are worrying too much. Either that or are feeling a bit guilty for letting yourself get carried away and it’s manifesting itself in this way. ---
**Author:** ![Diane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2acd7d/32.png) [@Diane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diane)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738/30 "2001-09-20T15:25:01Z")
Oh for fucksake, if he had unprotected sex with four women and then you have unprotected sex with him, yeah you should be worried (and pissed at yourself for having unprotected sex). Otherwise, why are you worked up into such a froth? Me thinks that you need to mature a lot more before you have sex again. Diane - Who just counted all of her fingers, took off her shoes, refuses to reveal the number of men she has sleep with, and STILL considers herself a good girl. ---
**Author:** ![Feynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecb155/32.png) [@Feynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feynn)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738/31 "2001-09-20T15:44:08Z")
Littlebird - some background. I’m nearly 36. When I was twenty my score was one and that was only because I was thinking with my dick. This would be the one I would have erased if I that was possible. If four is a lot I am going to have to start looking at myself as “slut-boy”. I never considered myself promiscuous, more like a serial monogamist. I guess I’ll need all my fingers and one toe to count. The best part of having to use my one toe is that my beloved Lola is that one toe. I would rather have my feet amputated than have to use a second toe to count any more. 🙂 These fingers represent people that passed into and out of my life. I married number seven and was divorced four years afterwards. I lived with number two for two years and number three for one. Lola and I have been together for nearly six years. That leaves me three years for the other seven. There was only a single one nighter in there but geez… maybe I am a slut. Anyways… It really doesn’t matter much to me if I was Lola’s first but rather, I intend to be her last. Eleven seems to be my lucky number although I’ve been told it’s 24. God forbid. I often regret having to count any but the past is the past and cannot be changed. I am what I am because of that past and what I am now is committed to one. Lola is the one who makes my day, the one who is my best friend, the one who blows my mind. See… even horn-dogs like me can be reformed when we find the one. 🙂 So your new guy told you he has been with four women. Give him a point or two for being honest. Without honesty you don’t have anything. You need to have a talk with the “New Man” and find out where he’s at. Make sure that you have similar expectations in this relationship because you need to know whether there’s a number six in his immediate future or if he plans on stopping his counting at number five (you). You may be the one who is going to reform him or not. Feynn. ---
**Author:** ![Fretful\_Porpentine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fretful_porpentine/32/2873_2.png) [@Fretful\_Porpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fretful_Porpentine)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738/32 "2001-09-20T16:00:16Z")
I’m not going to respond to the OP because others have already said it so much better, but I do have this to say about your follow-up post: > [@](#): > > Would a man feel good about marrying a woman with a few under her belt? Ya know, what with the double standard and all. I’m a bit naive about the whole thing, before my last boyfriend I was gonna wait 'till marriage…ha, that worked out! I’ve still only got one to my name…I just wanna make sure that if I play around a bit I’ll still be marriage/kids material in a few years. Do _not_ worry about whether you are “marriage/kids material” (whatever the hell that means). Don’t even worry too much about whether a particular guy will want to marry you – that’s something you don’t have much control over. Worry about whether _you_ want to marry _him_. If he believes in double standards, it’s a pretty good clue that you don’t. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738/33 "2001-09-20T16:25:25Z")
I don’t remember where I read this, but some advice person said that the proper response when asked exactly how many people you’ve had sex with is, “More than 1, less than 100.” In other words, it really isn’t other people’s business what you did before you met them, unless there was abuse or diseases (something that would affect a future partner). I think this will become more and more important as you get older; people may become less open to answering your questions, and you may not want to be grilled yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738/34 "2001-09-20T18:04:57Z")
and circumstances when I feel like I am not only from a different generation, but from a different country, a different species, a different planet. This is absolutely one of those times. stoid ---
**Author:** ![seawitch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a587f6/32.png) [@seawitch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seawitch)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738/35 "2001-09-20T18:53:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by DoctorJ \* > **I was told during my OB/GYN rotation that the average American has five sexual partners over the course of a lifetime.** Well, I always thought I was far above average, but I didn’t know this was how it was going to manifest. (Far, far above average.) FWIW, I think the sexual scorecard is not the way to measure a person or their standards. Find out the circumstances, and the beliefs and values that matter to them. You need to know the real person underneath, not the RBI. ::goes and sits next to **stoid** in the from-another-planet section:: ---
**Author:** ![ruadh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d2c977/32.png) [@ruadh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ruadh)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738/36 "2001-09-20T19:04:30Z")
Yep, four seems like a low number to me too. Can I suggest something Little Bird? You’re really better off not delving into your partners’, and potential partners’, past sex lives. I made this mistake early on in one relationship - it was the other way around, though, he was the prude and I was the degenerate hoebag - and spent the next 2.75 years constantly feeling like I had to apologise for the things I’d done before I met him. If he sleeps with four girls after you’ve committed that’s another story, but let the past stay in the past. [sub]Stoid and seawitch, save a space for me.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738/37 "2001-09-20T19:31:50Z")
Four?! Honey, you’re way out of touch with reality. Especially when you consider that, at age 20, he could have had four YEAR-LONG relationships had he started at 17 (which isn’t unusual). Four is nothing. And what are these “feelings” you have for the guy? How can you have “feelings” for a guy after 9 DAYS? It must be “feelings” of horniness or “feeling” his rock hard cock because you certainly can’t LOVE someone after nine days! Four. :rolleyes: You said he’s nice. You said he’s great. What has changed? Did he say, “Four you fucking bitch…now go get me a beer!” Get a grip, grow up and handle it like the adult you supposedly are. Four, that’s not even enough to make the Baby Jesus cry. ---
**Author:** ![Trion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ccd318/32.png) [@Trion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trion)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738/38 "2001-09-20T19:32:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Little Bird \* > \*\ ***New Man** has had sex with 4 girls. Shit. Fuck. That’s waaaaaaay more than I expected. \*\* Mathmatically speaking, four isn’t even waaaaaaay more than zero. Perhaps you expected him to have had sex with a negative number of women? Not that this would be impossible. Believe me, I know. ---
**Author:** ![More\_Cowbell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@More\_Cowbell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/More_Cowbell)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738/39 "2001-09-20T20:39:04Z")
Reminds me of a quote from the Simpsons for some reason, when the Mensa members take over the city and want to inact new laws. > [@](#): > > _Originally said by Comic Book Guy_ > Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you this will mean much less breeding, for me, much much more. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Bird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Little\_Bird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Bird)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738/40 "2001-09-20T23:09:12Z")
Well, obviously I got worked up over nothing and four is not a high number. Thanks so much for pointing that out in such a tact-ful manner. And for all of you who made me feel like a freak for my naiveté, why don’t you give me a paper cut and rub lemon juice in it while you’re at it? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-did-i-let-myself-fall-for-him-tmi/82738.md?page=3)