# Why Do Gays Feel The Need To Go Public? **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [August 4, 2003, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896 "2003-08-04T14:26:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![summerbreeze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3bc359/32.png) [@summerbreeze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/summerbreeze)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896/81 "2003-08-06T21:08:07Z")
I disagree with **scule**. I think being gay is an issue with Isabelle. After all, her OP deals with why gays want people to know they’re gay, the Disney thing was a side issue. **Isabelle’s** whole deal is “I don’t tell people I’m heterosexual, why should you tell people you’re gay?” Several people pointed out that she just did tell us she’s hetero. She “tells” people all the time because of her open lifestyle – she doesn’t have to be in a closet, she doesn’t have to worry about being shunned, lectured or called sinful. If my single daughter meets someone who offers to “set her up with my cute nephew,” my daughter says, “Thanks, but I have a boyfriend.” If someone offers to set me up with their cute uncle, why should I have to lie rather than say, “Thanks, but I have a girlfriend”? Her many wonderful lesbian friends apparently need to live a lie if they want to please **Isabelle**. And – I think gays are like-minded on many subjects. ---
**Author:** ![summerbreeze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3bc359/32.png) [@summerbreeze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/summerbreeze)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896/82 "2003-08-06T21:47:36Z")
Not to be a board-hog, but this is good, this is soooo good! Just got off the phone with my friend Hannah. (Guess y’all have figured out that I’m one of those pushy lesbians who _tells_ everybody.) So, I was telling her about this thread, asked her what she thought when I told her I’m gay, did she wonder why I wanted her to know, etc. She said, “Oh my God! I know just what this is all about!” Seems when Hannah was in college in VA, in the 70’s, a “friend” said something along these lines to her: “Hannah, you’re such a sweet girl, and so pretty! Why you’re blonde and blue-eyed, you look just like a little Dutch girl! Now, I could easily get you into my sorority if you just wouldn’t go around telling everybody you’re Jewish! Why do you have to wear that star thing? You don’t have a Jewish name, no one would have to know.” Well, just to spite that little bitch, Hannah married a rabbi, and now _everyone_ knows. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896/83 "2003-08-06T22:10:33Z")
Thanks, summerbreeze. Does that clarify it all, Isabelle? ---
**Author:** ![Shabadu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/46a35a/32.png) [@Shabadu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shabadu)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2003, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896/84 "2003-08-06T23:08:56Z")
I think what is being missed here is that fact that even though some people may say that homosexuality is not a big deal in society anymore, the fact remains that in some areas it still is. To give gay men and women a chance to be out in public at all admitting they are gay, I for one think it is a great idea. I am willing to be for every person who says that homosexuals should just be free to be themselves in public, there are as many who would like them all to go away and continue to hide. Society has come a long way in the treatment and acceptance of gay people, but there is still a long way to go. It has taken a long time for racism to come as far as it has today, but it still exists and there are still people who are discriminated against because they are black. Saying it is not an issue and get over it wil not make it go away. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896/85 "2003-08-07T02:30:38Z")
I have three points to make: 1. Isabelle - this is not the first quasi-almost-sorta-kinda-homophobic thread you’ve started, and not the first time you’ve been backed into a corner with your true colors showing. 2. If you really had lesbian friends, and were close enough to go to their wedding, I cannot believe they haven’t explained the “out” issues to you. 3. I will not stop “making public” my sexuality untill homophobic people stop “making public” their homophobia. ---
**Author:** ![summerbreeze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3bc359/32.png) [@summerbreeze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/summerbreeze)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896/86 "2003-08-07T02:48:04Z")
Thanks, **lissener** , **Shabadu** and **panache45**. You are a breath of fresh air in a rather nasty fug. ---
**Author:** ![Shabadu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/46a35a/32.png) [@Shabadu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shabadu)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896/87 "2003-08-07T03:42:31Z")
Your welcome **summerbreeze** , but I don’t want to just be a breath of fresh air. I want to figure out some way to actually help, but I haven’t yet figured out what that is. It kills me to see my best friend and his boyfriend have to act like something they are not so we can go to the movies. It actually makes me uncomfortable with them, because that is not who they are. I get upset when people tell me that the world has changed and it is all okay when I know for sure that it isn’t. Okay a few to many cosmos and I am probably more upset than normal. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896/88 "2003-08-07T05:37:04Z")
This is a pertinent question for me right now, as I’ve just started a new job, and I’m in the process of coming out. So, why am I doing it? Mostly, I think, it’s because I like the people at work. The place has some really good, witty exchanges going on, and these people seem sharp, and fun, and basically nice. I’d like to have some of them turn into friends. But I can’t do that if I’m basing my whole relationship with them on a lie. If I don’t come out, I’m stuck with not discussing, or lying about, the rest of my life outside of work. I can’t talk about what my boyfriend made for dinner, or what my boyfriend and I saw at the movies, or what my boyfriend and I did this weekend, without lying, or at least hiding the whole truth. Lying sucks. I don’t like dishonest people, and I certainly don’t want to be one. Having to spend the time and effort it takes to maintain a lie, about something as normal as who I spend my time with, seems despicable. And I wouldn’t blame anyone at work for not trusting me, if I was evasive in every personal conversation I got into. By keeping secrets, you build walls between yourself and the people around you. You keep people from ever knowing the real you. It’s a gesture of distrust; you’re not trusting them to like who you really are. Personally, I’d rather be rejected for who I really am, than accepted because I’m dishonest. Additionally, I feel that the longer I’m dishonest or evasive about who I am, the more of a big deal this becomes. If I put a lot of time and effort into keeping this secret, and then someone at work finds out about my secret sexual identity, it can actually be hurtful to the people who may have thought they knew me. The longer the deception goes on, the harder it would be for everyone if the truth is revealed. So, I’m coming out. Thus far, it’s going pretty well. Both the people I’ve come out to have been great about it; it’s no big deal to them. Hopefully, as word spreads, it’ll continue to be no big deal. Because, really, it’s not a big deal. The big deal part is finding ways to gently, gradually let people know, and hoping that nobody is so anti-gay that I lose my job. That part is a big deal. ---
**Author:** ![Linear\_Crack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Linear\_Crack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linear_Crack)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896/89 "2003-08-07T07:21:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by stpauler \* > I went to “gay day” at Disney World about 7 years ago (and yup, I’m gay). I saw a lot of men and women walkin’ about with red shirts on (It’s the gays that wear the shirts). Not a whole lot of making out or heavy petting but I did see hand holding and kissing to the extent of any equivalent heterosexual pda at the park. I can’t remember the last time I saw heterosexuals doing [this](http://www.gayday.com/photos/photo_album.asp?album=20&category=all&item=5663) at Disneyland. This is something I wouldn’t want _my_ kids to see. -LC ---
**Author:** ![Joe\_Random](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e8c25b/32.png) [@Joe\_Random](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joe_Random)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 7:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896/90 "2003-08-07T07:32:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Linear Crack \* > **I can’t remember the last time I saw heterosexuals doing [this](http://www.gayday.com/photos/photo_album.asp?album=20&category=all&item=5663) at Disneyland.** You wouldn’t’ve seen any homosexuals doing that, either. By the description, it would seem that the photo was taken in the Parliament House Resort, which describes itself as “the premiere all-gay resort in the entire Southeast.” In other words, that picture wasn’t taken at Disney World. > [@](#): > > **This is something I wouldn’t want my kids to see.** As long as your kids don’t somehow wander into an all-gay resort that isn’t in Disney World, you have nothing to worry about. ---
**Author:** ![summerbreeze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3bc359/32.png) [@summerbreeze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/summerbreeze)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896/91 "2003-08-07T12:51:52Z")
“Personally, I’d rather be rejected for who I really am, than accepted because I’m dishonest.” – Thank you, **MrVisible**. That’s beautiful. Says it all. ---
**Author:** ![LosAdri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@LosAdri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LosAdri)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896/92 "2003-08-07T13:18:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by summerbreeze \* > \*\*Seems when Hannah was in college in VA, in the 70’s, a “friend” said something along these lines to her: “Hannah, you’re such a sweet girl, and so pretty! Why you’re blonde and blue-eyed, you look just like a little Dutch girl! Now, I could easily get you into my sorority if you just wouldn’t go around telling everybody you’re Jewish! Why do you have to wear that star thing? You don’t have a Jewish name, no one would have to know.” > \*\* This reminds me of my mom, who joined a sorority in the late 60’s. Her sorority clearly wouldn’t let in the black girls who wanted to join. I dunno how my mom got in, with a last name like Garcia, but I think that’s a Florida thing (unlike most of the south, being racist against Hispanics is even more pointless than being racist against blacks, Asians, etc. b/c you probably are a little Hispanic if you were born here). So my mom quit. Which I am still proud of her about to this day. So how does this tie in? b/c after the front line of queers (I mean this in the all-encompassing way) wanting to come out and doing so, there are a lot of straight advocates who get a lotta shit for being actively against homo-hatred and homophobia. I differentiate b/c some people are afraid of what they don’t know and some people are just hateful. There are these people (I’m one) who by saying “don’t say faggot around me” or “please don’t descibe that as gay. Gay doesn’t mean disgusting or stupid.” are persecuted. At my high school, which was actually relatively friendly to this sort of thing and I’m not comparing it to any circle of hell or such, the rumor that I was a lesbian or had bi-sexual feelings was always in the background. Let’s go beyond my bitching about ppl who say untrue things. Isabelle obviously is making an effort. She probably isn’t completely accepting (re: my earlier post on the progress or lack there of by Isabelle). But hey, you know what? Even if she did try to start a forum that was anti-gay, she didn’t get to. So don’t necessarily attack her for being ignorant. Educate her thanks ---
**Author:** ![Polycarp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896/93 "2003-08-07T13:31:59Z")
I am very glad to see the clear and honest explanations and expressions of feeling that have characterized this thread. But I think it’s time for a little humor, with a touch of bite: Just as any business venture would, the main reason for gays to go public is when their resources are not sufficient to support any further growth or even holding stable as a closely held private operation. And it’s necessary prior to any merger with another such venture. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![scule](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@scule](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scule)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896/94 "2003-08-07T15:16:11Z")
I suppose I can’t really speak directly for Isabelle, since I don’t know her and haven’t read any other thread she has started, but I can say this: for me, and I am just guessing Isabelle from what have read here, it doesn’t matter if you are gay. Really, that’s it. Nothing more, no “ewws”, or “gross”, or “as long as I don’t see it”, etc. You’re gay, fine, who cares, be gay, I don’t want it to be an issue. You see, I get irritated when unimportant things become an issue with the people I deal with. And sexual orientation is unimportant, in terms of deciding how you feel about someone as a person (obviously it is important in other ways). As for the telling people you’re gay vs not telling them you’re hetero thing, well what can a hetero person do? If the best research indicates that 2-4% of the population is gay, then that means that the vast majority of us are hetero. Obviously, that doesn’t mean that you should just assume that everyone you meet is hetero, but the numbers favour it, and it is understandable if you make the mistake. To be fair, I would rather find out someone is gay by having them mention somethig like, “My boyfriend and I saw that movie last night” (for a guy) or something like that, rather than have them tell you they’re gay. But just because I mention my girlfriend, that doesn’t mean I’ flaunting my heterosexuality (I’m male), I’m just talking. Maybe I’m just the product of a mixed area, where there is little visible discrimmination, so it’s hard for me to relate to a minority’s viewpoint. And to MrVisible (great name, by the way), good for you for opening up. If there is anyone rabidly anti-gay there, you probably won’t enjoy working there too much, so better to find sooner than later. Besides, aren’t there anti-discrimmination laws to prevent you from getting fired? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896/95 "2003-08-07T15:30:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Linear Crack \* > \*\*I can’t remember the last time I saw heterosexuals doing [this](http://www.gayday.com/photos/photo_album.asp?album=20&category=all&item=5663) at Disneyland. > > This is something I wouldn’t want _my_ kids to see. > > -LC \*\* Have you ever seen the heteros at Mardi Gras? It’s disgusting. We better keep the heteros out of Disneyland. ---
**Author:** ![Priam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/77aa72/32.png) [@Priam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Priam)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896/96 "2003-08-07T15:31:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by scule \* > \*\*“Doug, my gay friend”, we can call him “Doug, my friend with an interest in history and a penchant for talking loudly when he’s excited” \*\* I’m not fully through the thread, but uhh… do I know you? Because that, including the name, was a disturbingly accurate assessment of me. Weeeiiiiird. :dubious: The Truth is Out There ---
**Author:** ![Lilairen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lilairen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lilairen)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896/97 "2003-08-07T18:36:23Z")
Yours for the excluded middle: some have suggested that the 5% figure is accurate for both straights and gays, and that the vast majority of the population is bisexual. ---
**Author:** ![scule](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@scule](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scule)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896/98 "2003-08-07T18:49:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Priam \* > \*\*I’m not fully through the thread, but uhh… do I know you? Because that, including the name, was a disturbingly accurate assessment of me. Weeeiiiiird. :dubious: > > The Truth is Out There \*\* Weird indeed. No, I don’t think so, unless you live in Ottawa. I know a few gay people, but none named Doug. Just an example, but interesting that it matches someone here:D ---
**Author:** ![scule](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@scule](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scule)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896/99 "2003-08-07T18:52:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lilairen \* > \*\*Yours for the excluded middle: some have suggested that the 5% figure is accurate for both straights and gays, and that the vast majority of the population is bisexual. \*\* The vast majority of the research I have read on the subject indicates that most (90+%, exact amount varies slightly by study) of people don’t have any homosexual tendencies, and the number of bisexuals is smaller than the number of homosexuals. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2003, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896/100 "2003-08-07T18:57:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Isabelle \* > \*\*I don’t think there is anything wrong with holding hands or a QUICK peck on the cheek but to fondle one another and grope is another. Get a room for cripes sake! \*\* Well, d’uh. But that applies to heterosexual couples as well as homosexual couples. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-gays-feel-the-need-to-go-public/192896.md?page=6)