# Why do I have to be the one to call MY mom? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 29, 2011, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-i-have-to-be-the-one-to-call-my-mom/598026 "2011-09-29T16:23:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2011, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-i-have-to-be-the-one-to-call-my-mom/598026/41 "2011-10-01T21:29:13Z")
My mom doesn’t have long distance so I _am_ the one who has to call. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2011, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-i-have-to-be-the-one-to-call-my-mom/598026/42 "2011-10-02T02:21:40Z")
> [@VOW](#): > > The OP stated that she loved her mom to pieces, so I made the assumption that while Mom can be a PITA, she’s not a “shitty mom.” > > And PITA or no, as a rule, children outlive their parents. > > Just for the record, my mom did her share of nagging, guilt-tripping, and grudge-holding…but you are correct in saying that I had a great relationship with her. > > I extend my condolences to Straight Dopers who have genuinely-shitty parents. I agree, once those parents are finally gone, there will be no new gaping holes in anyone’s life. > > The holes had been there all along. > ~VOW I had a shitty dad so when he died, I wasn’t phased. I lost my mom in February and would kill to have one last conversation with her. You couldn’t have said it any better. One thing I’d tell anyone reading this that had a good mom who is still alive – RECORD HER VOICE! ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2011, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-i-have-to-be-the-one-to-call-my-mom/598026/43 "2011-10-02T22:27:02Z")
My Dad did this too. I mean, he was a shitty Dad, a misery memoir type of Dad, but if he’d called every so often I would still have talked to him. The breaking point was when he complained that I hadn’t called about his birthday (66 or something, not a groundbreaking birthday with a big party) but he hadn’t mentioned my own birthday since I was a small child. He has no idea of my decade of birth, let alone my birthday , and hasn’t ever since I passed puberty. He called me, I called him, then he just never called me back, for about 7 years. But the thing is, he’s a messed-up kind of parent, so not the kind I’d mention in a thread about do you call your parents, but my step-Mum, who seems to be a pretty good Mum to my younger brother, is just the same. > [@Dogzilla](#): > > Just to be clear: Neither parent ever inquires after my life or asks how I’m doing. They generally have no clue what’s going on in my life and, I’m basing this on the lack of questions, I assume they don’t care. I have purposefully avoided divulging any details about me or my life just to see how many conversations it takes/how long it takes, before they finally pull their head outta their ass and actually ask me questions (that aren’t self serving, like “Why doesn’t my mouse work on this computer?”). It took my mom about three months. My dad still hasn’t _ever_ asked, “So. How are you doing?” My Dad _has_ actually asked this on the last three occasions we had contact. A bit, anyway - he was surprised that I have a degree, and that was 14 years ago, and I’ve had postgrads since then. I get the impression he’s not really taking a lot in, because he’s slowly dying, which is maybe one of the reasons he’s asking, too: he’s trying to make up for lost time. But again, I still find it odd that my stepmum doesn’t care enough to prompt him or ask herself. She’s been my stepmum since I was 10 years old, but she’s always been a polite stranger. I was always an unwanted guest in her house rather than her husband’s child. I actually find that harder to understand than being abusive. ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2011, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-i-have-to-be-the-one-to-call-my-mom/598026/44 "2011-10-03T15:59:49Z")
Not exactly the same thing, but… Several years ago, when my wife and I finally disconnected our land line and instructed everybody to call our cell phones exclusively, her grandmother (mid-80s at the time; 94 and kickin’ now!) stopped calling altogether. Her reason? “I don’t know how to work those cell phones.” Um, Grandma, you don’t have to do anything differently. Just dial the new number. “Oh, but technology is easier for you young people. I can never figure that stuff out.” (after several variations of the above…) \* _Sigh_ \* OK, Grandma, we’ll call you instead. She does call my wife once in a while now, but it took a long time. I think she might have forgotten that she’s not calling a “regular” phone. ---
**Author:** ![Floater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/dc4da7/32.png) [@Floater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Floater)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2011, 9:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-i-have-to-be-the-one-to-call-my-mom/598026/45 "2011-10-04T09:04:01Z")
> [@VOW](#): > > My mom died in 1998. > > I’d give anything to hear her voice again. > > When your mom is gone, a huge piece of you goes too. This. My mother died a couple of months ago. She used to call me every now and then and now I wish that I had called her more often than I did. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2011, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-i-have-to-be-the-one-to-call-my-mom/598026/46 "2011-10-04T13:14:32Z")
> [@VOW](#): > > Hearing impairment is NOT like vision impairment. A hearing aid does NOT give the user “normal” or “20/20” hearing like glasses can restore sight. > > …I suggest using emails or text messages to communicate with Mom. She probably refuses to get a cell phone simply because she can’t hear worth a damn on a regular phone, so the additional expense is unjustifiable. Welcome her to the world of text messaging. She does have a cellphone, but she does not hear it going off. She does not respond to email because she can’t be arsed check it unless we tell her she has email. She does not respond to texts because she does not hear the phone’s “you’ve got a message” or remember to check for them. Both her and her best friend have hearing that’s “good for their age” (71). The friend got a hearing aid and is in 7th heaven; she claimed that she didn’t want to end up like her mother, grandmother and great-aunt, all of which would complain constantly about “these young mumblers”. Mom didn’t on account of “hearing aids are for old people!” (uh, Mom, you’ve been getting senior discounts for 11 years now), and I can’t be in a room in which she’s watching TV because my ears hurt: please explain to me why would having the amplifier in her ears instead of the TV set, when she’s the one who needs an amplifier, be unacceptable. Or rather, why should I go deaf because SHE is. ---
**Author:** ![abaton6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c57346/32.png) [@abaton6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/abaton6)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2013, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-i-have-to-be-the-one-to-call-my-mom/598026/47 "2013-08-27T22:38:43Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > Don’t get me wrong, I truly love my mom to pieces. But she is always giving me a guilt trip that I don’t call her enough. > > I don’t say this to her but I’m thinking: “Your fingers ain’t broke, you can call me.” > > Does anybody else get this kind of flak from their parents? > > Why is it incumbent on the child to call the parents? WHY!!! My Mom just called me again, only to say, “why haven’t you called me”. This is so frustrating! I hate to be upset with her. I really have to hold it in. If you ever find out why this is, let me know. ---
**Author:** ![abaton6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c57346/32.png) [@abaton6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/abaton6)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2013, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-i-have-to-be-the-one-to-call-my-mom/598026/48 "2013-08-27T22:42:09Z")
> [@runner pat](#): > > Because she carried you for nine months, she was in labor for _days_ and refused all pain meds because she cared about _you_. But that’s OK, she’ll just sit there in the dark…alone. > > 😃 And eat worms… ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2013, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-i-have-to-be-the-one-to-call-my-mom/598026/49 "2013-08-27T23:38:29Z")
I was lucky that my parents were wonderful. When they got old, I invited them to come and live near me. I’m an orphan now, but I have great memories. **The jokey bit…** A man calls his mother: - “Mom, how are you?” - “Not too good - I’ve been very weak.” - “Why are you so weak?” - “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.” - “That’s terrible! Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?” - “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.” ---
**Author:** ![asterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/4da419/32.png) [@asterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asterion)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2013, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-i-have-to-be-the-one-to-call-my-mom/598026/50 "2013-08-28T01:13:43Z")
> [@FairyChatMom](#): > > My mom absolutely cringes at the thought of paying long distance charges. She also hated that it was costing me money to call her, until I convinced her that it was included in my cell service. I have had that exact same problem with my grandparents over the years. Dirt cheap long distance has been the norm for most of my life and especially these days with unlimited cell phone plans and cable phone and the like. Even a decade ago I still had unlimited minutes nights and weekends on the cell phone. The last time I had to worry about the cost of long distance was making international calls and it was still pretty cheap. I think it’s one of those generational things. A holdover from when long-distance was extremely expensive, operator assisted, and only used for extremely significant events. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2013, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-i-have-to-be-the-one-to-call-my-mom/598026/51 "2013-08-28T01:43:06Z")
I call once in a great while. I get lots of complaints that I don’t call. We talk at least once a week. I answer this complaint with “the phone works in both directions.” I don’t get flak for that because she still talks to me (and I call her) more often than my brother or sister. But seriously, if I wanted to talk to her more often, I’d call her more often. And I tell her to do the same. ---
**Author:** ![ialwaysdothecalling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/71c47a/32.png) [@ialwaysdothecalling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ialwaysdothecalling)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2014, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-i-have-to-be-the-one-to-call-my-mom/598026/52 "2014-10-21T15:27:54Z")
My mom does not initiate contact with me. I call her, text her, I imessage her & share photos! I even send a card or note every now & then. I fly out & visit once a year. And I don’t mind at all calling. When I do, she politely answers & we chat a good while. What I do mind is that she makes no effort on her part to reciprocate. She doesn’t ring my phone. She doesn’t let me know she’s thinking of me too. You know the saying, “a little kindness goes a long way.” When it comes to the relationship I’m the one reaching out. The old Bell commercial had it! " Reach out, reach and touch someone. Reach out, call up and just say hi." It goes both ways. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2014, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-i-have-to-be-the-one-to-call-my-mom/598026/53 "2014-10-21T17:06:47Z")
Whenever your Mom starts in, with a brightly smiling voice say, “What I’m hearing is you love me oodles and miss me tons!” 🙂 This small thing will change your attitude to this, almost instantly. Because, in fact, that’s what she thinks she’s communicating. Cut her some slack, she just loves you like you’re her baby is all! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2014, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-i-have-to-be-the-one-to-call-my-mom/598026/54 "2014-10-21T17:34:10Z")
I tell my Mom that the phone works in both directions. She seems to understand. That and I will actually talk to her, while my brother and sister avoid it. ---
**Author:** ![Calatin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/439d5e/32.png) [@Calatin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Calatin)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2014, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-i-have-to-be-the-one-to-call-my-mom/598026/55 "2014-10-21T19:16:13Z")
I used to rarely talk to my grandparents on the phone. They live several states away, and I would call them sporadically, but months could go between calls. Then, my grandfather took a turn for the worse. Numerous surgeries left him dependent and not very mobile, and he just seemed to start to “give up.” His job (and associated activities, contacts, and events) was always his #1 priority and even after he retired, he found ways to be involved with various aspects of the field. A few years ago, he received the last honor / award that he anticipated to receive, non-posthumously. That, combined with the loss of a great deal of his independence left him a shell of a man. I remember calling him once, and in a very weak voice, he repeatedly called me the wrong name, and didn’t remember where I lived (asking if I was going to come down the street to visit for dinner). After that, I made a point of making a weekly call, even if there is little to discuss. I will say that since then, I’ve noticed a definite uptick in his lucidity, and he might tell me the same story now and then, but it’s understandable. I usually call after work on Fridays and got caught up one week and didn’t make the call until Saturday. I joked with them that they could have called me, but my grandmother was insistent that she didn’t want to bother me and my “busy social life,” despite my less-than-thrilling recaps of my weekend activities (met friends for brunch, we hung out and watched tv, played games and drank, lather, rinse, repeat). Outside of my birthday, I can’t remember the last time they’ve called me. My father, on the other hand, is the exact opposite. I know I will receive a call from him every Saturday as he goes and runs errands. We’ll talk throughout the week, but the “incoming to outgoing” ratio of calls between the two of us is much more balanced. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-i-have-to-be-the-one-to-call-my-mom/598026.md?page=2)