# Why do many people, AFTER coming out of the closet, suddenly change their style androgynously? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 25, 2013, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-many-people-after-coming-out-of-the-closet-suddenly-change-their-style-androgynously/667157 "2013-08-25T21:45:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2013, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-many-people-after-coming-out-of-the-closet-suddenly-change-their-style-androgynously/667157/21 "2013-08-26T20:24:32Z")
> [@SanVito](#): > > The relief and joy many people feel sometimes means being, temporarily, totally obsessed by their sexuality. For a short time it’s all that matters to them. So all their friends are gay, all the events they attend are gay and how they behave and dress confirms to their own stereotypical ideas about what it means to be gay. > > In Lesbian World, these newly outters are called Baby Dykes. They mostly grow out of it. In the Neopagan World, we call them Fluffy Bunnies. In the Polyamory World, they’re Polywogs (which I am fairly certain I made up on this here board, but I’ve now seen it spread! 😉 ) There’s an excitement involved in figuring out your place in the world, and many - but not all - people celebrate that by talking about it a lot, draping themselves in the visible symbols of their subculture and generally annoying the crap out of everyone around them. It’s kind of cute, when you’re not wishing you could throttle them. And yes, they mostly grow out of it and calm down in time. > [@the\_apples\_fell](#): > > But why would they think that dressing like a guy validates them coming out and their sense of being a lesbian? They’re not dressing like men. They’re dressing like (a subset of) lesbians. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2013, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-many-people-after-coming-out-of-the-closet-suddenly-change-their-style-androgynously/667157/22 "2013-08-27T00:51:06Z")
> [@the\_apples\_fell](#): > > But why would they think that dressing like a guy validates them coming out and their sense of being a lesbian? Why do they think that being gay means they have to challenge what society thinks a man and a woman are? For transgenders I can see that as valid, not for gays and lesbians where it makes no sense. If you really know so many lesbians who radically changed their appearance upon coming out, why don’t you ask them what their motivations were? ---
**Author:** ![rivulus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/839c29/32.png) [@rivulus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rivulus)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2013, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-many-people-after-coming-out-of-the-closet-suddenly-change-their-style-androgynously/667157/23 "2013-08-27T01:15:21Z")
For me, coming out included the opportunity to shed all those silly heteronormative expectations for women. I realized that I had been spending far too much of my precious time doing silly things like blow drying my hair, putting on makeup, shaving my legs, etc. Not to mention the idiocy of wearing heels. Coming out involved a lot of questioning that ended up knocking down the whole darn row of dominoes. With short hair and no makeup I can get my whole look done in less than 2 minutes. I can throw on jeans and a t-shirt in another 2 minutes. Done! I love it! I don’t really care much about the whole lesbian identity thing, as far as what I look like anyway. It is the sheer efficiency of getting ready in the morning that I think is so awesome. If being “lipstick” were as easy I would probably go for that look now and then. But it’s not, so I don’t. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2013, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-many-people-after-coming-out-of-the-closet-suddenly-change-their-style-androgynously/667157/24 "2013-08-27T01:29:32Z")
[Newly Out Gay Man Overdoing It](http://www.theonion.com/articles/newly-out-gay-man-overdoing-it,51/) ---
**Author:** ![the\_apples\_fell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecb155/32.png) [@the\_apples\_fell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_apples_fell)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2013, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-many-people-after-coming-out-of-the-closet-suddenly-change-their-style-androgynously/667157/25 "2013-08-27T03:59:22Z")
> [@Lamia](#): > > If you really know so many lesbians who radically changed their appearance upon coming out, why don’t you ask them what their motivations were? To not offend them. I once tried asking once and a girl got mad at me for implying she dressed like a man, and she avoided the question and said she “didn’t have to justify her style to me”… never said she did, I just wanted to know the motivation behind the change once she came out. ---
**Author:** ![SanVito](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sanvito/32/2805_2.png) [@SanVito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanVito)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2013, 6:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-many-people-after-coming-out-of-the-closet-suddenly-change-their-style-androgynously/667157/26 "2013-08-27T06:59:06Z")
> [@the\_apples\_fell](#): > > To not offend them. > I once tried asking once and a girl got mad at me for implying she dressed like a man, and she avoided the question and said she “didn’t have to justify her style to me”… never said she did, I just wanted to know the motivation behind the change once she came out. Because you are clearly beating this ‘dressing like a man’ thing to death. Many people in this thread have told you it has nothing to do with wanting to dress like a man. Society has high and rigid expectations of what a woman should look like. We get it from an early age from our parents. Countless times my mother would say ‘why don’t you wear more make up’, ‘curl your hair’, ‘wear pretty colours’, ‘wear heals’. Do you know what a pain that is? How restrictive of personal preference or expression? How great it is when the person you want to date doesn’t care or desire that ‘dressing up to conform’ crap? For once and for all, it has nothing to do with dressing like a man. You are applying your own stereotypical ideas about what it is to be a woman. There are many ways to be a desirable woman, and they don’t all involve dolling up like Barbie. ---
**Author:** ![SanVito](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sanvito/32/2805_2.png) [@SanVito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanVito)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2013, 9:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-many-people-after-coming-out-of-the-closet-suddenly-change-their-style-androgynously/667157/27 "2013-08-27T09:39:40Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > I’ve actually only seen this with lesbians. I always thought it was just part of them coming out, to let everyone know at a glance. (With metrosexuality, that doesn’t work for gay men.) They’re out, they’re proud, and they want you to know about it. > > And it’s not about “not giving a crap about your appearance.” It’s primarily the hairstyle, possibly combined with flannel-like patterns. Somehow, this is enough to make them almost look like a guy–even though the hairstyle and clothing is not something I ever see on guys. I’ve seen it with gay men too. More in mannerisms than dress, perhaps, as gay man dress isn’t so different from straight man dress. Around my way, there are many different styles for lesbians. Perhaps the flannel shirt is more an American thing. Short hair is common though because, frankly, it’s a damn sight easier. When I see my 20-something nieces photos on Facebook, I find the state of ‘straight girl uniform’ quite depressing. It’s all long big hair, false eyelashes, short dresses and fuck me heels. They all look identical to their friends, and frankly, tarty, if that doesn’t make me sound square (I realise it does). When, in comparison, I see group photos of my lesbian friends, I see a vast array of fashion styles - pretty silk skirts, power suits, funky rock chicks, boyish casuals, 50s dresses, the whole lot. It’s diverse and interesting and, frankly, a whole lot sexier than the ‘little girl in too much make-up’ look. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2013, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-many-people-after-coming-out-of-the-closet-suddenly-change-their-style-androgynously/667157/28 "2013-08-28T01:14:15Z")
> [@the\_apples\_fell](#): > > To not offend them. > I once tried asking once and a girl got mad at me for implying she dressed like a man, and she avoided the question and said she “didn’t have to justify her style to me”… never said she did, I just wanted to know the motivation behind the change once she came out. Do you think a bunch of strangers on the Internet who have never met this woman will be able to provide a better explanation for her behavior? It seems like you’re looking for a particular sort of answer and aren’t going to be happy until one of us tells you what you want to hear. But my most honest answer for you is that I think your question is rooted in a lot of faulty assumptions. ---
**Author:** ![BleizDu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9dc877/32.png) [@BleizDu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BleizDu)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2013, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-many-people-after-coming-out-of-the-closet-suddenly-change-their-style-androgynously/667157/29 "2013-08-28T07:17:21Z")
This thread is reminding me of when I had top surgery. Before that I was seen as male a third of the time, after that, pretty much all the time, overnight. It was a huge change. I celebrated that by going shopping and buying very girly clothes. Like, I had never ever in my life wished to wear feminine clothes or pink or frilly stuff, but now that I was able to be perceived as a guy full time, I was going to wear whatever tacky girly shirts I wanted, damn it! It was very liberating to discover that even with those high fem shirts, I was being read as male. Since I was seeing myself as a gay guy, I was also able to explore that part of the gay male community/identity that likes to be flamboyant. I even wore a skirt and fishnets to one of the local trans pride march. This phase lasted a year, then I got back to my usual masculine clothing self and havn’t changed for the last ten years. ---
**Author:** ![elmwood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmwood/32/3060_2.png) [@elmwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elmwood)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2013, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-many-people-after-coming-out-of-the-closet-suddenly-change-their-style-androgynously/667157/30 "2013-08-29T21:16:17Z")
> [@Lamia](#): > > I don’t think I know anyone who radically changed their style after coming out. Do you really know _many_ people who suddenly changed their style when they came out, or are you perhaps making a generalization based on a small sample of people or making assumptions about the reasons for the change in their appearance? A friend in college “discovered” that she was a lesbian. Although she was never “girly”, she certainly passed as a heterosexual woman in her day-to-day life. In the weeks following her announcement, she gradually took on a more butch appearance; no makeup, very short hair, chest binding, clothing that was more looser fitting and masculine (flannel, workwear, etc), and letting her leg and armpit hair grow. Even her gait changed. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2013, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-many-people-after-coming-out-of-the-closet-suddenly-change-their-style-androgynously/667157/31 "2013-08-30T01:11:52Z")
> [@elmwood](#): > > A friend in college “discovered” that she was a lesbian. And do you make generalizations about large groups of people based on the behavior of this one friend? Because that is what I was asking. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2013, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-many-people-after-coming-out-of-the-closet-suddenly-change-their-style-androgynously/667157/32 "2013-08-30T05:07:01Z")
> [@elmwood](#): > > A friend in college “discovered” that she was a lesbian. Although she was never “girly”, she certainly passed as a heterosexual woman in her day-to-day life. In the weeks following her announcement, she gradually took on a more butch appearance; no makeup, very short hair, chest binding, clothing that was more looser fitting and masculine (flannel, workwear, etc), and letting her leg and armpit hair grow. Even her gait changed. Sweetheart, where I come from and minus the chest binding (was she binding or merely wearing sports bras?), we call that turning 30. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-many-people-after-coming-out-of-the-closet-suddenly-change-their-style-androgynously/667157.md?page=1)