# Why do men have to propose? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 29, 2012, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-have-to-propose/623456 "2012-05-29T17:38:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Indian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@Indian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indian)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2012, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-have-to-propose/623456/1 "2012-05-29T17:38:54Z")
Inspired by this [video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_v7QrIW0zY&feature=plcp) and the numerous ones on internet. Why not women? ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2012, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-have-to-propose/623456/2 "2012-05-29T17:45:27Z")
They don’t. In the US, more and more women have decided to be the first to act. But this phenomena is still a rarity. Traditional roles of men asking women prevail. Most people still like tradition and its familiarity, both women and men. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2012, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-have-to-propose/623456/3 "2012-05-29T18:08:53Z")
There doesn’t even have to _be_ a proposal, as seen on TV. With me and Mr. Neville, there wasn’t. I told him about some amusing comments I read on Slashdot about the One Ring as a wedding ring, and the discussion segued from there to a discussion in which we decided we should start looking for an engagement ring. That was not my intention when I brought up the Slashdot comments- I had just intended to share something I found amusing with him. I think he was just waiting for it to come up in conversation. Nobody asked us anything about our proposal or lack thereof when we applied for our marriage license, so it doesn’t seem to be a legal requirement for marriage (at least not in North Carolina). ---
**Author:** ![dngnb8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/977dab/32.png) [@dngnb8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dngnb8)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2012, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-have-to-propose/623456/4 "2012-05-29T18:09:01Z")
> [@indian](#): > > Inspired by this [video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_v7QrIW0zY&feature=plcp) and the numerous ones on internet. > > Why not women? Tradition. You also have to understand that women were more property then person at one time. Property usually didnt have a say in the arrangement ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2012, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-have-to-propose/623456/5 "2012-05-29T18:12:25Z")
> [@dngnb8](#): > > You also have to understand that women were more property then person at one time. Property usually didnt have a say in the arrangement Considering the OP’s location, I’d be willing to bet that they are more familiar with this concept than you are. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![dngnb8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/977dab/32.png) [@dngnb8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dngnb8)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2012, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-have-to-propose/623456/6 "2012-05-29T18:19:44Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Considering the OP’s location, I’d be willing to bet that they are more familiar with this concept than you are. 😉 I dont research profiles before answering. Being in AZ, I see indian and I think tribal. I never even looked at the location ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2012, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-have-to-propose/623456/7 "2012-05-29T19:03:15Z")
Whether you like the man does the proposing tradition or not, it sure as hell beats out other traditions in other parts of the world like man kidnaps woman to make her his wife. It’s a long standing custom, nothing more, and as noted by others in this day and age some couples dispense with it entirely and in others the woman does the proposing. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2012, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-have-to-propose/623456/8 "2012-05-29T19:04:44Z")
One of my good friends (male) was proposed to by his wife. I actually think that it happens more often than people know- and that Anne’s situation of “we just reached a mutual agreement to get engaged” also happens more often than people realize - and those conversations are often driven by the woman. The vast majority of formal proposal I’ve known of have been a formalization of a pre-arranged agreement - i.e. “we should think about getting married” rather than a surprise bending of the knee and presentation of the ring. Who proposes when prior to the “romantic dinner and presentation of the ring” or “jumbotron stadium event” is six months of “we shouldn’t live together unless we are engaged” or “I think we should get married” or “hey, its a jewelry store, lets just go look” or “I need more commitment from this relationship” or “I cant believe Megan is getting married before we do - they’ve only been dating six months?” ---
**Author:** ![MadTheSwine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MadTheSwine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MadTheSwine)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2012, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-have-to-propose/623456/9 "2012-05-29T19:37:34Z")
I have been proposed to twice ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2012, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-have-to-propose/623456/10 "2012-05-29T19:40:27Z")
It is the last choice you have to make. She’ll make all the decisions after that. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2012, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-have-to-propose/623456/11 "2012-05-29T20:06:31Z")
Do you really think anyone outside of naive teenagers does the whole “I’m going to propose out of nowhere and I have no idea how she is going to react” thing? Most modern relationships that get to the marrying stage have a series of conversations and plan-making that works out pretty clearly if marriage is in the future of the relationship. At that point, it becomes a matter of “when,” not “if,” and even then there is generally a timeline. In other words, proposals are mostly a formality acted out with a nod to tradition. If a guy makes a proposal and honestly isn’t sure how it’s going to go, it’s his own damn fault for not having the kinds of basic conversations you generally have with a serious SO\> ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2012, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-have-to-propose/623456/12 "2012-05-29T20:16:17Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > Whether you like the man does the proposing tradition or not, it sure as hell beats out other traditions in other parts of the world like man kidnaps woman to make her his wife. In most of the places that do that, it’s pre-arranged. And the American custom of the groom taking the bride through the door in his arms is a copy-over from the Roman version of those pre-arranged kidnappings… ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2012, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-have-to-propose/623456/13 "2012-05-29T22:29:21Z")
I’d say it’s a combination of tradition and instinct. Among humans, males are normally the ones that initiate sex and romance related behaviors of all sorts; this is just a specific variant of that. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good idea of course, which is why some women decide to be the ones who ask and why the men they propose to say “yes” anyway, regardless of instinct or tradition. ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2012, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-have-to-propose/623456/14 "2012-05-29T23:25:07Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > I told him about some amusing comments I read on Slashdot about the One Ring as a wedding ring, and the discussion segued from there to a discussion in which we decided we should start looking for an engagement ring. So, like, you guys concluded you’d rather enjoy being bound in the darkness, where the Shadows lie ? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2012, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-have-to-propose/623456/15 "2012-05-29T23:44:36Z")
Personally I’ve never understood the formal proposal phenomenon - although it seems to me that either the man or the woman can deliver it, if you are going to go that route. There was never a formal proposal in our relationship, just a gradual realization that we’d always be together (and since both sets of parents would have freaked out at cohabitation without marriage, that meant we’d get married). As we will be celebrating our 30th anniversary in a few weeks, that approach seems to have worked out okay. On the other hand, that video was AWESOME. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2012, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-have-to-propose/623456/16 "2012-05-30T00:36:19Z")
It does seem to me that the elaborate, staged “proposal” is becoming more popular, which I think it just part of the greater ease of making things with slick production values these days. It’s probably also related to the trend toward elaborate destination bachelor/bachelorette parties. These days it’s so possible for things to be over-produced: slicked up and put to a theme, and then captured in a video and a scrap book and preserved forever and then shared with the world. I sometimes feel like people do these things not for the thing but for the story about the thing. ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2012, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-have-to-propose/623456/17 "2012-05-30T01:33:33Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > It does seem to me that the elaborate, staged “proposal” is becoming more popular, which I think it just part of the greater ease of making things with slick production values these days. _shrug_ I think it has more to do with Hollywood and its continued attempts to top itself over and over. There’s not a rom-com out there these days that doesn’t feature over-the-top romantic gestures, particularly when it comes to marriage proposals. The simple proposal itself became a cliché, then asking with bent knee and fancy ring became cliché, then asking in public in front of all your friends became cliché etc… That this heart-tugging arms race bleeds into the real world is not really surprising. And I’m not sure whether it’s good or bad. On the one hand, it’s pretty cool to watch and/or to be a part of something like the OP’s video. On the other hand, it also breeds higher expectations and senses of entitlement, the notion that if your boy/girlfriend doesn’t do it for you he doesn’t really love you or is too lazy to make the extra effort. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2012, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-have-to-propose/623456/18 "2012-05-30T12:52:09Z")
> [@Kobal2](#): > > So, like, you guys concluded you’d rather enjoy being bound in the darkness, where the Shadows lie ? 😛 Yup. We’re astronomers. We like the dark. The yellow thing in the sky, it burnsss… ---
**Author:** ![Mijin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mijin/32/9369_2.png) [@Mijin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mijin)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2012, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-have-to-propose/623456/19 "2012-05-30T13:32:27Z")
I don’t think it’s just a matter of tradition. I don’t think you should view the “men proposing” thing in isolation from men often being expected to make the first move\*, women being attracted to things like ambition and confidence etc. Whether these other things are entirely a result of culture, or partly how we wired, is a discussion for another thread. But within that reality, the guy proposing makes sense. - I’m sure saying that will annoy a lot of people. But I don’t think women are passive in hooking up, not by any means. But typically it’s the guy that has to risk rejection in the initial stages. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2012, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-have-to-propose/623456/20 "2012-05-30T15:53:40Z")
Because she knows I would say no. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-have-to-propose/623456.md?page=2)