# Why do men marry women who don't really satisfy them sexually? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 1, 2010, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138 "2010-11-01T22:24:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/61 "2010-11-02T15:36:18Z")
> [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](#): > > U.B. even you have to admit there is a HUGE gap between a guy scratching an itch with a solo endeavor and engaging in activity with another person. Keep researching Craigslist, it’s just points on a spectrum and it seems like the closer you look, the more folk you find that aren’t living that Nuclear Family Archetype. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/62 "2010-11-02T15:39:32Z")
That might be news to their families. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/63 "2010-11-02T15:46:23Z")
> [@Peeta\_Mellark](#): > > “You must not be satisfying her. You must not be fulfilling her emotional needs. Your desires are gross/wrong/too strong.” > > Sometimes women don’t want sex and are cruel to their husbands on this front and it really, truly, honestly isn’t because “men suck and men suck in bed” or something like that. There are female asexuals out there, or women who have serious psychological hangups, or hormone imbalances, or all sorts of things. But the response most of these guys get when they try to seek help is “must be your fault, it’s your responsibility to keep the wife wanting more.” Is this REALLY true, can you back those statements up? They don’t jive with my experiences with therapy. I think folks need to take a step back and look at Historical Sexual behaviors. Off the top of my head and far from exhaustive: The Milkman Redheaded Stepchildren Incubi/Succubi ‘The girl took a nine month vacation’ The cuckold The Wife and the Mistress The ‘friendly’ natives Columbus encountered The Master knocks up the attractive slave/Mulattos The ‘stereotypical’ Pederast Church member Point being: There’s been deviation from ‘the standard’ for as long as people have been reproducing. ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Midnight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/977dab/32.png) [@Captain\_Midnight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Midnight)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/64 "2010-11-02T15:47:41Z")
The wife has made oral sex forbidden. I can’t do her and she wont do me. She finds it dirty and she doesn’t like it. However, this is somewhat compensated by the doggystyle position. I also got to get her to get on top every once in awhile when I am tired and can’t get off. Now, it has crossed my mind slightly to find a prostitute and get my oral pleasure. But unlike President Clinton, I consider that cheating. That’s not a line I am willing to cross. What if that information ever got back to her? Cheating with a girlfriend? Funk that, the reason I got married is so that I don’t have to date anymore. Another weird thing about her is that she has huge nipples. As in huge Number 1 sized pencil eraser nipples usually seen by Zulu women in the bush land. Funny, since she is a small breasted Chinese woman. She does not like me touching, kissing and especially sucking her breasts. It just does nothing for her and I think because of her crazy nipples that its uncomfortable. That’s all I can figure since she is the first female lover I had since my first 15 year high school girlfriend who doesn’t like that. So, a titty fuck is out of the question. I love my wife. So what if she doesn’t like certain sexual things? Big deal. We all have our boundries. ---
**Author:** ![Arnold\_Winkelried](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Arnold\_Winkelried](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arnold_Winkelried)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/65 "2010-11-02T16:09:55Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > Yes there is. A marriage with good sex but with two people with wildly different financial habits is likely to be a disaster also. Isn’t it reasonable to choose someone who is compatible with you in all the areas that are important? Sure, but there are so many areas that are shared when you are married to someone, that you won’t be able to find a perfect match, and you will probably have to compromise in some areas. Sex can be one of those compromises that people make. When I got married, I wasn’t looking just for someone I could be friends with, that I could also have sex with. I was looking for someone who would be willing to visit my family on holidays, someone who had a comparable financial situation and wouldn’t cause me to end up in the poor house, someone who liked to live in the same area I live in, someone who had some of the same interests for activities in leisure time, someone who shared my ideas about child rearing, someone who wanted the same number of children I did, and the list goes on and on. One of those things was someone I enjoyed having sex with. ---
**Author:** ![Peeta\_Mellark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bc8723/32.png) [@Peeta\_Mellark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peeta_Mellark)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/66 "2010-11-02T16:10:24Z")
> [@Unintentionally\_Blank](#): > > Is this REALLY true, can you back those statements up? They don’t jive with my experiences with therapy. I’m referring to things people have told me, so I’m just remarking on their experiences. I can’t speak for the rest of the world or every therapist in it. I’m only relaying the complaints about counseling people I’ve known have had. Reread my post. I’m referring to “sometimes” and arguing against the absolutes that those people I know have been charged with. I don’t think it’s always the woman’s fault, but that isn’t what I’m saying. I’m pointing out that sometimes a mismatch in libidos _isn’t the husband’s fault_. There is this idea they’re running into that when the wife doesn’t want sex, it’s the husband’s fault for failing her emotionally or for marrying someone incompatible. **Sometimes** , **some** women don’t want sex. **Sometimes** , they decide they don’t want sex after they’re married. Not because they hate their husbands, not because their husbands are assholes, but just for some personal, internal reason all their own. In the case of the guys I’ve known with this complaint–often they’re religious and going to a religious therapist–they’re not getting much support or recognition that they have human needs not being met. Can I back my statement up that some women, somewhere don’t want sex? [Uh, sure](http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Am-Asexual/420). ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/67 "2010-11-02T16:17:34Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > It _should_ be, agreed. The issue is, is not getting BJs or whatever a sufficient “deal breaker” to prevent considering marrying someone who is civil, attractive, brings in a good paycheque, etc. ? I suppose that depends on what you value, and how much of what you value your wife (or husband) brings to the table, and how much of what she (or he) values you bring. > > \ So then my issue becomes: You’ve decided that you didn’t exactly get the same package deal you thought you were signing up for, but you’ve made your peace with that and accepted that whatever it is that you value about the marriage is worth not getting the blowjobs. Good for you. Now shut the fuck up about it already. Your choices are: A) Cheat and go get blowjobs. B) Divorce, just for the blowjobs. C) Stay married and accept that you aren’t going to get anymore blowjobs. Ever. So why do I have to hear about it? People who are happy about their sex lives do not feel compelled to advertise it. The only people who talk shit about sex constantly are the people who aren’t getting any or what they are getting isn’t very satisfying for them. Nothing is more boring to me than hearing about someone else’s sex life. Nothing is more fascinating to me than thinking about my own. ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/68 "2010-11-02T16:18:02Z")
> [@Peeta\_Mellark](#): > > I’ve heard this same story many, many times. While there are clearly many women who really do enjoy sex, there are others who don’t and hide that fact until they’re married, or who used to enjoy sex and then their sex drives fall through the floor. > > I don’t think it’s always a case of the guys fooling themselves, ignoring a problem, or failing to satisfy the wife. Sometimes, it just comes out of nowhere after you’re married. Its true: its happening to me right now, only her lack of a sex drive has been a slow erosion rather than a sudden dropoff. Started happening when she hit her thirties a couple years ago. We used to be quite enamored with having sex with each other, and slowly, gradually, its been slipping away. Its crazy because on the rare occasions we do have sex she really is into it, its just getting her to the point where she’s even remotely interested that’s embarrassingly difficult. ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/69 "2010-11-02T16:19:04Z")
> [@Arnold\_Winkelried](#): > > P.S. I forgot to address the OP, because someone already said it for me, but I’ll just repeat what Pleonast says. There’s more to marriage than sex. Yes, like fighting over money! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/70 "2010-11-02T16:22:15Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > So then my issue becomes: You’ve decided that you didn’t exactly get the same package deal you thought you were signing up for, but you’ve made your peace with that and accepted that whatever it is that you value about the marriage is worth not getting the blowjobs. > > Good for you. Now shut the fuck up about it already. Your choices are: > > A) Cheat and go get blowjobs. > B) Divorce, just for the blowjobs. > C) Stay married and accept that you aren’t going to get anymore blowjobs. Ever. > > So why do I have to hear about it? People who are happy about their sex lives do not feel compelled to advertise it. The only people who talk shit about sex constantly are the people who aren’t getting any or what they are getting isn’t very satisfying for them. > > Nothing is more boring to me than hearing about someone else’s sex life. Nothing is more fascinating to me than thinking about my own. Well yeah, but isn’t that true about nearly every personal woe? Unless, of course, it is bad enough to be memorable. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/71 "2010-11-02T16:25:28Z")
> [@Peeta\_Mellark](#): > > Reread my post. I’m referring to “sometimes” and arguing against the absolutes that those people I know have been charged with. I don’t think it’s always the woman’s fault, but that isn’t what I’m saying. I’m pointing out that sometimes a mismatch in libidos _isn’t the husband’s fault_. There is this idea they’re running into that when the wife doesn’t want sex, it’s the husband’s fault for failing her emotionally or for marrying someone incompatible.. Based on the evidence in this thread, it’s more appropriate to say: It’s not entirely the fault of the person with the higher libido. Likewise, some blame needs to be shared with the other party. Problem being: The person that wants it, is vibrating in place. The one that doesn’t…well…isn’t. Which position is easier to be in, long term? ---
**Author:** ![Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a88e57/32.png) [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fried_Dough_Ho)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/72 "2010-11-02T16:27:26Z")
> [@Captain\_Midnight](#): > > The wife has made oral sex forbidden. I can’t do her and she wont do me. She finds it dirty and she doesn’t like it. However, this is somewhat compensated by the doggystyle position. I also got to get her to get on top every once in awhile when I am tired and can’t get off. I am curious – did you know this about her before you got married? ---
**Author:** ![Crotalus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crotalus/32/41_2.png) [@Crotalus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crotalus)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/73 "2010-11-02T16:48:40Z")
> [@Stoid](#): > > II believe it is entirely accurate and fair to say that the fact that you have a sexual relationship with your spouse defines the difference between that relationship and all others. You can believe it all you want, but it is not true of my marriage, and I don’t think my situation is rare. When I married my wife ten years ago, I was a non-hideous 46 year old widower with a good job and a decent house. Sexual partners were not hard to find. I had a nice group of friends, including some I had known for decades. I had parents, brothers, a sister. What defines the difference between my wife and all of my friends, sexual partners, relatives and everyone else I’ve met is that she is the person I wanted to merge my whole life with. I not only want to sleep with her, I want to wake up with her, spend most of my free time with her. I want to be a parent to her sons, a brother to her sisters, and a son to her parents. Our finances are merged. We own property together. We also have sex. If the sex ended right now, let’s say because my wife got ill, none of the other stuff would change. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/74 "2010-11-02T16:54:34Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > Well yeah, but isn’t that true about nearly every personal woe? Unless, of course, it is bad enough to be memorable. 😉 Yes, I try really hard not to walk up to people and start unloading my personal woes. I wish more people would have the same consideration for me. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/75 "2010-11-02T16:59:51Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > Yes, I try really hard not to walk up to people and start unloading my personal woes. I wish more people would have the same consideration for me. 😉 You must have a very sympathetic demeanor. I’ve never had anyone walk up to me and say “you know, my wife never gives me BJs …” and frankly, if someone _did_, I’d think their intentions were not strictly to - discuss their woe. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/76 "2010-11-02T17:00:58Z")
> [@Crotalus](#): > > You can believe it all you want, but it is not true of my marriage, and I don’t think my situation is rare. When I married my wife ten years ago, I was a non-hideous 46 year old widower with a good job and a decent house. Sexual partners were not hard to find. I had a nice group of friends, including some I had known for decades. I had parents, brothers, a sister. What defines the difference between my wife and all of my friends, sexual partners, relatives and everyone else I’ve met is that she is the person I wanted to merge my whole life with. I not only want to sleep with her, I want to wake up with her, spend most of my free time with her. I want to be a parent to her sons, a brother to her sisters, and a son to her parents. Our finances are merged. We own property together. We also have sex. > > If the sex ended right now, let’s say because my wife got ill, none of the other stuff would change. This. It’s easy to stand back and say “man, if she never put out, I’d pull the ripcord so fast yer head would spin!” But when push comes to shove and you’re REALLY faced with this particular question. Sex is a minor aspect when all the other factors are involved, especially after you’ve been married awhile. It’s not inertia, it’s not fear of change, it’s 'this is the person I promised to be with, for better or worse. She’s a soulmate, the closest friend I have. Do I give up all of that because I don’t get it enough? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/77 "2010-11-02T17:05:37Z")
Children add even more to the equation. It’s a whole family bond, not just a couple. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/78 "2010-11-02T17:08:15Z")
> [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](#): > > I am curious – did you know this about her before you got married? Anecdotally, some wives may be happy to receive before being married, and go off it later; they may also be unfond of giving oral before, but say they’re prepared to consider losing their inhibitions with time and patience, and then find they can’t or won’t make good on their promise - once the ring’s firmly in place. ---
**Author:** ![Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a88e57/32.png) [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fried_Dough_Ho)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/79 "2010-11-02T17:21:42Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > Anecdotally, some wives may be happy to receive before being married, and go off it later; they may also be unfond of giving oral before, but say they’re prepared to consider losing their inhibitions with time and patience, and then find they can’t or won’t make good on their promise - once the ring’s firmly in place. I guess this just surprises the heck out of me, but I am an adventurous sort with few inhibitions. But I was hoping Captain Midnight would respond back about his personal situation. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/80 "2010-11-02T17:23:49Z")
> [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](#): > > I guess this just surprises the heck out of me, but I am an adventurous sort with few inhibitions. But I was hoping Captain Midnight would respond back about his personal situation. I can’t speak for him, but in my wife’s case, it was an ex-boyfriend that ruined the whole BJ thing for her…it was all he wanted and made her feel like dirt. So she didn’t like it so long that she decided not to do it anymore. We somehow muddle through. 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138.md?page=5)