# Why do men marry women who don't really satisfy them sexually? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 1, 2010, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138 "2010-11-01T22:24:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/81 "2010-11-02T17:27:52Z")
> [@Unintentionally\_Blank](#): > > This. It’s easy to stand back and say “man, if she never put out, I’d pull the ripcord so fast yer head would spin!” > > But when push comes to shove and you’re REALLY faced with this particular question. Sex is a minor aspect when all the other factors are involved, especially after you’ve been married awhile. It’s not inertia, it’s not fear of change, it’s 'this is the person I promised to be with, for better or worse. She’s a soulmate, the closest friend I have. Do I give up all of that because I don’t get it enough? Depends on what is “enough.” I never cheated on my ex, despite very infrequent sex. And I probably wouldn’t have left her because of it (we had kids, etc). But, over time, the whole relationship started to suck big time, and she left me. If it was just “no blow jobs,” that could be dealt with as well. But Sex two or three times a year, for the rest of my life? No, I think, I would pull the rip cord (unless everything else was truly warm and fuzzy–which is hard to imagine). Sex less often than “ideal” would never be a deal breaker, but when you are a great distance from the “ideal” you’ve got serious compatibility issues. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/82 "2010-11-02T17:37:00Z")
God help me if my wife ever reads this, but: Of all the significant relationships I’ve had, I would have to admit that I chose to marry the woman with whom I have the least-compelling sex. On balance, I have no regrets about this and am confident that none will appear. This is a compromise I am comfortable with, because I find that I can actually _live_ with my wife better than anyone else I have met. Most of my other relationships were founded either on sex or some superficial shared interests, to differing degrees. To a one, I also found that we got on each others’ nerves after a few days of closeness, requiring a few days apart. Hot monkey sex, talk until you’re bored, repeat a few times until it’s done, and then I really don’t want to see you for a while (until the libido builds up again.) Imagine my delight when I found someone I could live comfortably with indefinitely! Hell, I didn’t even hesitate to encourage her to take a job in the same office with me - we’ve been together pretty much 24/7 for almost four years, and I’m still not sick of her. This is golden. On the metric of sex alone, a poor scorer - she is practically autoerotic and anything I actively do only serves to delay her climax. The bulk of the time is spent holding very still and trying not to get in the way. She rejects most foreplay. (She isn’t stingy, but I have often felt that it’s better to give than to receive.) Oral in the middle? Forget it. In spite of all that - the basics are covered, even if it’s not ideal. We both get there. In an abstract way I sometimes miss having more spontaneous and various sex - but not so much that infidelity is in any way attractive. Too much to lose, and not a risk that I would ever consider. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/83 "2010-11-02T19:32:29Z")
> [@Unintentionally\_Blank](#): > > I can’t speak for him, but in my wife’s case, it was an ex-boyfriend that ruined the whole BJ thing for her…it was all he wanted and made her feel like dirt. > > So she didn’t like it so long that she decided not to do it anymore. Reminds me of the film “Casino”. My fellas are lucky… I’m so into fellatio it’s MY foreplay. When I was with my ex, who was the love of my life, I experienced something really amazing all the time: a compelling, organic, and intense feeling of love for him that would prompt me to express it specifically by giving him a spectacular blowjob all the way to completion, because I knew how much he loved it. The only downside was that it made me incredibly excited, but by then he was all played out. He was always willing to please me in return, but I was ok going without at that moment. It just stacked for the next time We were feeling mutually lusty. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/84 "2010-11-02T19:35:42Z")
> [@Larry\_Mudd](#): > > God help me if my wife ever reads this, but: > > Of all the significant relationships I’ve had, I would have to admit that I chose to marry the woman with whom I have the least-compelling sex. On balance, I have no regrets about this and am confident that none will appear. > > This is a compromise I am comfortable with, because I find that I can actually _live_ with my wife better than anyone else I have met. Most of my other relationships were founded either on sex or some superficial shared interests, to differing degrees. To a one, I also found that we got on each others’ nerves after a few days of closeness, requiring a few days apart. Hot monkey sex, talk until you’re bored, repeat a few times until it’s done, and then I really don’t want to see you for a while (until the libido builds up again.) > > Imagine my delight when I found someone I could live comfortably with indefinitely! Hell, I didn’t even hesitate to encourage her to take a job in the same office with me - we’ve been together pretty much 24/7 for almost four years, and I’m still not sick of her. This is golden. > > On the metric of sex alone, a poor scorer - she is practically autoerotic and anything I actively do only serves to delay her climax. The bulk of the time is spent holding very still and trying not to get in the way. She rejects most foreplay. (She isn’t stingy, but I have often felt that it’s better to give than to receive.) Oral in the middle? Forget it. > > In spite of all that - the basics are covered, even if it’s not ideal. We both get there. In an abstract way I sometimes miss having more spontaneous and various sex - but not so much that infidelity is in any way attractive. Too much to lose, and not a risk that I would ever consider. Thanks for sharing that. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/85 "2010-11-02T19:41:22Z")
Actually, Larry, your share is very interesting to me because it’s evidence of the way sex is experienced by a lot of people, which is something you do to get to the orgasm. For me, sex (with a partner) is about the experience before the orgasm. I can give myself an orgasm. What I can’t do is make myself feel all the delicious feelings I have when I’m having sex. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/86 "2010-11-02T20:19:10Z")
> [@Stoid](#): > > I’m so into fellatio it’s MY foreplay. \ 🙂 I didn’t say I didn’t _miss_ it. ---
**Author:** ![Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a88e57/32.png) [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fried_Dough_Ho)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/87 "2010-11-02T20:40:22Z")
> [@Stoid](#): > > For me, sex (with a partner) is about the experience before the orgasm. I can give myself an orgasm. What I can’t do is make myself feel all the delicious feelings I have when I’m having sex. This is me as well. I love long, delicious foreplay and, despite being multi-orgasmic, sort of get bothered that it seems to be the “goal” for the guy so that when it happens, he feels as though we are almost finished and he can speed up. I’m not a woman who would want hours of penetration, but I wouldn’t mind hours of lovely wet touching, kissing, licking and whatnot (gee, do I ever miss the WHATNOT!) ---
**Author:** ![Kingspades](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecae2f/32.png) [@Kingspades](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kingspades)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2010, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/88 "2010-11-02T21:07:03Z")
One thing I haven’t heard mentioned yet is that “nice” boys are brought up being told that you don’t push. No means no, because that’s the way a gentleman should behave. So when I fell in love with my ex and decided I wanted to marry her, I went in believing that a lack of sex should not be important. That coupled with promises from her that things would get better, even after two years of dating and engagement, made it okay to take the plunge. Sex is important. It’s not a mistake I would make again. ---
**Author:** ![Ura-Maru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/51bf81/32.png) [@Ura-Maru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ura-Maru)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/89 "2010-11-03T00:30:04Z")
The word ‘crescendo’ doesn’t refer the end of the symphony, after all. The true heart of the music is in the contrasts between the highs and lows, fast and slow, the anticipated and the surprise. Though the long, sweet build is nice, too. With some effort, it can be drawn out to a surprising degree . . . I’m sorry; I seem to have gotten tangled in my metaphor. What were we talking about again? – To be fair, while the corset has its intrinsic appeal, I’ve found it more useful as an indicator. Their presence is usually a sign that there’s an interesting woman somewhere in the vicinity. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/90 "2010-11-03T01:06:40Z")
> [@Kingspades](#): > > One thing I haven’t heard mentioned yet is that “nice” boys are brought up being told that you don’t push. No means no, because that’s the way a gentleman should behave. So when I fell in love with my ex and decided I wanted to marry her, I went in believing that a lack of sex should not be important. That coupled with promises from her that things would get better, even after two years of dating and engagement, made it okay to take the plunge. > > Sex is important. It’s not a mistake I would make again. It’s my understanding that the OP is not talking about a _total_ lack of sex, but simply a limited menu. ---
**Author:** ![Ura-Maru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/51bf81/32.png) [@Ura-Maru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ura-Maru)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/91 "2010-11-03T01:10:52Z")
Wait. The corset thing was supposed to go in the Hendricks thread! It would have been very apt there. Here its just arbitrary and awkward. Not unlike myself at a bar. Or when I’m not at a bar. Everyone just pretend there was more over flowery metaphors, and maybe some mention of shag cord. – This is like one of those 70’s sitcoms, where the guy tries to go on two dates concurrently. Except it’s not as entertaining. And honestly, I never even mastered the ‘going on two dates consecutively’ thing. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/92 "2010-11-03T02:17:31Z")
> [@Arnold\_Winkelried](#): > > Sure, but there are so many areas that are shared when you are married to someone, that you won’t be able to find a perfect match, and you will probably have to compromise in some areas. Sex can be one of those compromises that people make. Every requirement in a set gets a weight. There are tons of things we do differently, some even annoying, but they are all of low importance. If sex is of low importance to someone, no problem. But clearly the example in the OP is of someone for whom sex is important. If it is important to you, it makes sense to check for compatibility before marriage to avoid frustration that can cause tension at best and cheating and divorce at the worst. You seem to be putting sexual compatibility at the same level of importance as setting the thermostat. Perhaps it is for some people, but not for most. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/93 "2010-11-03T02:51:04Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > You seem to be putting sexual compatibility at the same level of importance as setting the thermostat. Perhaps it is for some people, but not for most. That is very apt because it is just like that in a marriage - both partners get the amount of sex dictated by the partner with the lower thermostat setting. If you can live with their setting, fine but the OP is asking why men marry women that they know, going in, have a thermostat set too low. And while obviously there is more to marriage than just sex, surely what differentiates our romantic attachments from the love we feel for other people is the physical aspects of it, including attraction. You don’t need to feel attraction to love your parents or kids or friends but it’s hard to maintain a romantic relationship without it. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/94 "2010-11-03T02:52:36Z")
Compound all this with the religious tendency to ‘wait til marriage’ and it really makes you wonder how happily married some folks are. ---
**Author:** ![Nunavut\_Boy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/e95f7d/32.png) [@Nunavut\_Boy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nunavut_Boy)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/95 "2010-11-03T03:19:45Z")
When you’re getting ‘enough/good enough’ sex, sex is 10 percent of your relationship and the other 90 percent is the day to day stuff you have to figure out if you can live with or not. When you’re not getting ‘enough/good enough’ sex, sex becomes 90 percent of the relationship and the other 10 percent is the day to day stuff. ---
**Author:** ![unclviny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e274bd/32.png) [@unclviny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/unclviny)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/96 "2010-11-03T03:41:24Z")
“Sex is like air. it’s not important until you are not getting any” Unclviny ---
**Author:** ![Nunavut\_Boy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/e95f7d/32.png) [@Nunavut\_Boy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nunavut_Boy)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/97 "2010-11-03T03:57:20Z")
> [@unclviny](#): > > “Sex is like air. it’s not important until you are not getting any” > > Unclviny Mmm. More pithy. I like it! ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Midnight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/977dab/32.png) [@Captain\_Midnight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Midnight)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 10:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/98 "2010-11-03T10:35:35Z")
> [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](#): > > I am curious – did you know this about her before you got married? We had sexual relations when we were dating and knew right away that she doesn’t like it. I’ve gone down on her twice in 10 years, the second time we had sex (with her telling me not to do that) and once several years later when she was drunk as a soroity slut and I just couldn’t help myself. It’s not a big deal. To my sadness, we have never conceived in 10 years, so I don’t have to worry about birth control (I want to get her pregnant). She already has a grown son of 23. She will mostly do most any sexual position, including the doggy. Some women refuse to do that, because they do not see it as romantic. I love seeing and grabbing that sweet yellow ass of my wife and going to town. To her, it is a sanitary issue. On some levels, I concur. Now there are studies that oral sex can lead to certain kinds of cancer, especially oral sex on women. I don’t blame her for not wanting to stick my penis in her mouth. I don’t like my testicles sucked. We all have our boundries. The last time we had sex is when I came home and put my arms around her as she was combing her hair or something in the mirror and her butt bumped into mine and the question was raised by her. It’s a casual question, not something in a heat of passion. She usually gets a towel or tissues under her butt. I use Johnson’s baby lotion (good for babies and making babies) and then basically we get into it. No foreplay. Just do it. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/99 "2010-11-03T11:50:57Z")
> [@Kingspades](#): > > One thing I haven’t heard mentioned yet is that “nice” boys are brought up being told that you don’t push. No means no, because that’s the way a gentleman should behave. So when I fell in love with my ex and decided I wanted to marry her, I went in believing that a lack of sex should not be important. That coupled with promises from her that things would get better, even after two years of dating and engagement, made it okay to take the plunge. > > Sex is important. It’s not a mistake I would make again. This. Not “ex”, though. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2010, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/100 "2010-11-03T14:04:35Z")
It seems very sad to me, the kind of sex life Captain Midnight describes. I hope it isn’t experienced that way by the people involved. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138.md?page=6)