# Why do men marry women who don't really satisfy them sexually? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 1, 2010, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138 "2010-11-01T22:24:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Queen\_of\_Denial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/b5ac83/32.png) [@Queen\_of\_Denial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_of_Denial)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2011, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/121 "2011-11-04T15:55:28Z")
Oh, I’m sorry. Did I stumble onto a forum filled with children? I see the “fight” since 1973 still blazes on! ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2011, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/122 "2011-11-04T15:58:51Z")
Some would call that an “anniversary” **elninost0rm** …and we know what\* that\* means… So hurry up and get it over with. Just don’t make any sound. And don’t look at me. Or pull that face. You know I HATE that face… ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2011, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/123 "2011-11-04T16:01:16Z")
> [@Queen\_of\_Denial](#): > > Oh, I’m sorry. Did I stumble onto a forum filled with children? I see the “fight” since 1973 still blazes on! No you didn’t. So no need for the crayon. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2011, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/124 "2011-11-04T16:06:23Z")
> [@Queen\_of\_Denial](#): > > Oh, I’m sorry. Did I stumble onto a forum filled with children? I see the “fight” since 1973 still blazes on! Pro tip: Don’t type your posts in sea foam green and we won’t make fun of you for it. Deal? ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2011, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/125 "2011-11-04T16:26:41Z")
> [@Queen\_of\_Denial](#): > > I see the “fight” since 1973 still blazes on! Hmm. Yes, quite. It seems we have much more work to do. > [@Queen\_of\_Denial](#): > > initiate NC so he can see I hate it when they initiate NC so he can see. I’m all like “Why you gotta initiate NC?!” and they’re all like “So he can see!” and I’m all like “bitch BALL AND CHAIN!” ---
**Author:** ![Azeotrope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/0ea827/32.png) [@Azeotrope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Azeotrope)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2011, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/126 "2011-11-04T16:41:37Z")
> [@Queen\_of\_Denial](#): > > Oh, I’m sorry. Did I stumble onto a forum filled with children? I see the “fight” since 1973 still blazes on! Why are you so mad at the world? Come on, baby, don’t be hatin’. ---
**Author:** ![kimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f0a364/32.png) [@kimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kimera)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2011, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/127 "2011-11-04T17:41:18Z")
I have a female friend about to marry a man who leaves her sexually unsatisfied. They only have sex once per month. They’re both young and have been together since high school. She acknowledges that it probably won’t get better, but states that she loves him so much, she can’t imagine life without him. I’ll be very surprised if they are still together in 20 years. ---
**Author:** ![2ManyTacos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/2/3da27b/32.png) [@2ManyTacos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/2ManyTacos)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2011, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/128 "2011-11-04T20:30:11Z")
Damn, now this is a depressing topic. I’ve gotten into this kind of stuff in earlier threads, but the bottom line is that women are generally FAR less sexual than men, so the kind of sexual hangups described in the OP are infinitely more likely to be experienced by females rather than guys. Just perusing this thread validates that; a bunch of the posters here have been dudes who were lamenting the sexual downfalls of their SO’s. It really is a shame that mother nature designed us that way, but what can you do? For the record, I’m kind of with Stoid in that I think a marriage/significant relationship is defined by sex. I mean, seriouusly, if you’re not having sex with your SO, then what the Hell separates that relationship from a simple friendship? ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2011, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/129 "2011-11-04T23:19:59Z")
> [@Queen\_of\_Denial](#): > > … > So I leave; initiate NC so he can see, Im almost gone, then … NC means what now? ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2011, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/130 "2011-11-05T00:28:38Z")
I like how when a guy loses interest in his primary partner, he’s just naturally seeking variety, like any guy would. When a woman loses interest in her primary partner, she’s a manipulative liar who was just tricking him into getting the wedding ring. In my experience, when a woman loses interest, it’s not that she doesn’t want to have sex. It’s that he doesn’t want to have sex with you. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2011, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/131 "2011-11-05T00:38:56Z")
> [@Stoid](#): > > And I’m not talking about men who are not that into it, i’m talking about men to whom these things are genuinely important. But they decide to overlook it and marry her anyway. > > And within a year, or 5 or 10, if they are still together, he’s cheating because he can’t get his needs met at home. > > WHY DID YOU FUCKING MARRY A WOMAN WHO WASN’T SEXUALLY COMPATIBLE WITH YOU??? You are making a false assumption that people have the exact same sex drives 1, 5, 10 years later in that relationship. Sex drives are not static, but dynamic. They depend on many things such as school, careers, children, trust and intimacy, etc. which are constantly changing throughout the marriage…hence, sex drives change. If there is a wide enough gap (strong sex drive for one spouse and weak/no sex drive of the other), then there is going to be an increased chance of an affair happening. Now, I’m not gonna give the green light to the spouse to cheat, but the spouse who needs sex to feel an intimate relationship with their partner should speak up and ask for the need to be met, and seek counseling together to address it. If the spouse loves you, they will make an honest attempt to meet your needs or at least meet you half-way; if not, then there is a bigger issue that needs to be addressed. Find out what it is and see if it can be solved. If that doesn’t work, then separate/divorce and then find someone who can address your needs. Time changes a lot of things…it’s as simple as that. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2011, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/132 "2011-11-05T01:17:12Z")
People also lie. Before Marriage: My now ex said she would never turn me down for sex. After Marriage: Oh you’re so mean to ask me for sex! ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Bird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Little\_Bird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Bird)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2011, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/133 "2011-11-05T01:42:57Z")
> [@Pleonast](#): > > For some people, marriage is about more than sex. Yeah, and a car is about more than a windshield, but unless a car has one I’m not driving it. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2011, 8:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/134 "2011-11-05T08:20:06Z")
> [@2ManyTacos](#): > > Damn, now this is a depressing topic. Actually, **2ManyTacos** , the truly depressing thing is that you actually _believe_ this: > [@2ManyTacos](#): > > … **the bottom line is that women are generally FAR less sexual than men** , **so** the kind of \*\*sexual hangups \*\*described in the OP **are infinitely more likely to be experienced by females rather than guys**. Really. I don’t think you’ve had too many tacos. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2011, 8:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/135 "2011-11-05T08:28:40Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > I like how when a guy loses interest in his primary partner, he’s just naturally seeking variety, like any guy would. > > When a woman loses interest in her primary partner, she’s a manipulative liar who was just tricking him into getting the wedding ring. > > In my experience, when a woman loses interest, it’s not that she doesn’t want to have sex. It’s that he doesn’t want to have sex with you. Bit like guys and long-term relationships, really. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2011, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/136 "2011-11-05T13:26:06Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#): > > No, it’s the other way around. > > The reason the spouse person is the spouse person is that we’re fundamentally right for each other across the board - more in some areas, less in others, but solid in all the important ones. THAT is the dividing line between my spouse and everyone else. THAT is the big, fat, gigantic reason why she’s my spouse, and everyone else didn’t get past ‘friend’ or ‘previous girlfriend’ or whatever. > > And because that’s so, we’ve committed ourselves to each other, and an important part of that commitment is that we don’t get it on with anyone else. > > I’d been to bed with a number of women during my single years, and most of the time the sex was very good, and occasionally it was off the charts. > > But even though I have always been monogamous by nature, and knew that once I married, I wasn’t going to be having sex with anyone else, I didn’t ask the best bed partner to marry me. > > You know why? Because we were fundamentally mismatched in a whole bunch of other ways. Despite the fantastic sex, I’m still amazed that we managed to stay together for the 2-3 months that we did. > > And it’s a good thing that that’s how my wife and I chose each other. Because while my sex drive as late as my early 40s was no different from where it was in my mid-20s, it’s been gradually going south ever since my mid-40s, and has been barely flickering off and on since I got into my 50s. > > If sex was the big dividing line, frankly, there’d be little reason to stay married except for the kid. But our partnership rests on other foundations, and will still be strong 30 years from now when sex is a dim memory. Thanks for summing this up better than I ever could. I find it interesting (not unexpected, just interesting) how people bring their own scars into conversations like this. Guys get to do X, Women are held to a higher standard, why would you do something so stupid as to marry someone you weren’t compatible with, Cheaters suck… Having been on all sides of this over the 16 years I’ve been married, I can say: “Cheating doesn’t happen in a vacuum”. I haven’t strayed from my vows, but there have been a time or two in the relationship where I could have easily seen it happening as a major part of my life wasn’t validated. The cool thing about managing a relationship correctly (communication and compromise being major foundation points), is that Big hairy issues “WE’RE SEXUALLY INCOMPATIBLE”, become much less a big deal when both sides recognize their needs are different, work to find a middle-ground, and nobody is the Bad Guy for either having a higher or lower libido than their partner. Is sexual compatibility important? Hell Yeah. Is it MORE important that treating each other with respect and understanding? No, it’s just a symptom of a bigger problem. There are ALL kinds of relationships that work in ALL kinds of ways…and wierdly, their success or failure is really hard to measure. Is dying on your deathbed within hours of each other the measure of success? Or is realizing you’re moving apart and ending the relationship civilly? Is a wistful 5 year failed marriage better or worse than a 25 year bitter divorce? Marriages fail because the occupants don’t change _together_, not because they’re missing an orgasm quota. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2011, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/137 "2011-11-07T20:24:58Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#): > > No, it’s the other way around. > > The reason the spouse person is the spouse person is that we’re fundamentally right for each other across the board - more in some areas, less in others, but solid in all the important ones. THAT is the dividing line between my spouse and everyone else. THAT is the big, fat, gigantic reason why she’s my spouse, and everyone else didn’t get past ‘friend’ or ‘previous girlfriend’ or whatever. This actually clarifies something for me, although in sort of a backwards way; it’s because I have never seen marriage as a goal for my life in the first place, and other people, probably most other people, do. I have always been open to it, certainly, and I was engaged twice. But never, ever, ever, at any point in my life, did I have an _intention_ to find a lifelong life partnership, and I never wanted children, either. If that’s your starting goal, then ok, I can see it, although I still think the sexual component is important and I sure hope you have a good amount of mutual joy in it. ---
**Author:** ![Maserschmidt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/maserschmidt/32/18829_2.png) [@Maserschmidt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maserschmidt)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2011, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/138 "2011-11-07T20:39:21Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > NC means what now? To initiate NC is to initiate “no contact”. As in “leave me the fuck alone.” ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2011, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/139 "2011-11-07T20:46:09Z")
> [@Unintentionally\_Blank](#): > > The cool thing about managing a relationship correctly (communication and compromise being major foundation points), is that Big hairy issues “WE’RE SEXUALLY INCOMPATIBLE”, become much less a big deal when both sides recognize their needs are different, work to find a middle-ground, and nobody is the Bad Guy for either having a higher or lower libido than their partner. Just for clarity’s sake, I’m not talking about frequency issues, I’m talking about serious differences in what you both enjoy doing. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2011, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138/140 "2011-11-07T20:51:16Z")
Well, you decide what’s a deal breaker and move on. I’d say the upper-third of the kink scale is off limits (use your imagination), but it’s not worth divorce, considering everything else it pretty damned good. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-men-marry-women-who-dont-really-satisfy-them-sexually/559138.md?page=8)