# Why do people intentionally disguise the gender of their "partners"?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [January 12, 2010, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671 "2010-01-12T16:18:15Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 3
### Author:  [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 7:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/41 "2010-01-13T07:56:57Z")
I have occasionally mentioned that my partner is 6’10" and looks like a Persian Kareem Abdul Jabbar, with the face of Adrien Brody. I sincerely hope nobody has thought I was describing a woman. :eek:
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### Author:  [@Chicken\_Fingers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chicken_Fingers)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/42 "2010-01-13T08:03:33Z")
Sometimes we don’t mean to confuse people, but it seems to happen with me. My SO has a name that can be a man’s or woman’s. We have been domestic partners for ten years, raising our kids.
By appearances, we are assumed to be husband and wife. However, when I refer to my partner, “Pat,” around those who don’t know both of us, I get a lot of tactful gay friendliness, which is great, giving me hope for progress in gay acceptance.
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### Author:  [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 8:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/43 "2010-01-13T08:13:53Z")
> [@Anaamika](#):
>
> Bingo. I hate the word boyfriend. I’m 34, we’ve been together for THIRTEEN years, we are way past boyfriend/girlfriend, IMO. And there really isn’t another good word, so I’ll say SO. But I do use pronouns, when relevant.
[The word is “consort”.](http://www.answers.com/topic/consort)
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### Author:  [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 8:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/44 "2010-01-13T08:23:04Z")
> [@silenus](#):
>
> Maybe some say “SO” because “Bringer of Joy, Beacon of Beauty, My Reason For Living” takes too long to write.
>
> I just say “wife.” That way the above is taken as a given. 😃
Did anyone else read this as “Bringer of joy, Bacon of beauty”? Just me? ook…
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### Author:  [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 9:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/45 "2010-01-13T09:12:40Z")
> [@astro](#):
>
> [The word is “consort”.](http://www.answers.com/topic/consort)
LOL. My boyfriend calls me his missus most of the time, which still makes me twitch because to my American ears it makes it sound like we’re married. Not that married is a bad thing, but we’ve only been dating for a year, and missus sounds like someone who cooks all day and waits for her husband to come home every evening in pearls and an apron.
I don’t like the word boyfriend either, but there’s really not a good alternative and I’m too lazy to think of one.
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### Author:  [@bengangmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bengangmo)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 9:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/46 "2010-01-13T09:16:02Z")
> [@scifisam2009](#):
>
> Fiance? But what if you don’t plan to get married? I’m not even sure what de-facto means.
Yeah I realised afterwards my post was a bit un-neccessarily confrontational and rudish…
De-Facto is what we call common law partners in New Zealand, as in “defacto husband / wife”
Other words that may work depending on your mood would be your already mentioned bloke, or if you are in the mood, lawn mower, garbage man, bed warmer, boy toy, main squeeze, “im indoors” (refer to Arthur Daily and 'er indoors), himself, hubby
My wife refers to me as butler, and I call her boss or she who must be obeyed.
At the end of the day, judging by what you have said here I would rather not use your bf / gf terms…I may slip occasionally and use husband, looking more at the nature of the realtionship than the legal status (which matters more to me anyway - I don’t really care if it has been formalised be whatever tradition you follow or piece of paper you need) - if you behave like a couple, and have the commitments of a couple then I would tend to name you like a couple.
Although if you dun like husband / wife terms (or dun believe in formal marriage) I would try to respect that
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### Author:  [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 9:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/47 "2010-01-13T09:37:23Z")
> [@Broomstick](#):
>
> (I hate “my husband” - I don’t own him!).
If you hate him so much, why did you marry him? Huh? ;).
Seriously, if you get upset by “my husband” because it implies you own him, how do you get around using the same sort of words for other people’s partners? For example, if we had an email exchange and you wanted to refer to my wife, how would you do so without using a word that implies I own her? (You can’t use her name because you don’t know it.) In fact, I’d like you to demonstrate by asking me what my wife’s name is, but don’t use any words that imply ownership.
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### Author:  [@BleizDu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BleizDu)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 9:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/48 "2010-01-13T09:45:01Z")
I don’t know if I did it here consistantly, but on another board I tried to work around pronouns because my SO is intersex and identify as neither man or woman. We are seen as two guys so sometimes I use he/him, but it doesn’t satisfy me because my partner is not male or a man (or even behave in a masculine way) and I feel using masculine pronouns gives off that vibe when interpreting what I may write.
It’s way harder to find ways around that in French.
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### Author:  [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 10:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/49 "2010-01-13T10:16:55Z")
> [@EvilTOJ](#):
>
> Did anyone else read this as “Bringer of joy, Bacon of beauty”? Just me? ook…
No, I did too. But hey, bacon is well-loved, so it’d be quite a nice thing to call someone. 😃
> [@bengangmo](#):
>
> Yeah I realised afterwards my post was a bit un-neccessarily confrontational and rudish…
>
> De-Facto is what we call common law partners in New Zealand, as in “defacto husband / wife”
>
> Other words that may work depending on your mood would be your already mentioned bloke, or if you are in the mood, lawn mower, garbage man, bed warmer, boy toy, main squeeze, “im indoors” (refer to Arthur Daily and 'er indoors), himself, hubby
>
> My wife refers to me as butler, and I call her boss or she who must be obeyed.
>
> At the end of the day, judging by what you have said here I would rather not use your bf / gf terms…I may slip occasionally and use husband, looking more at the nature of the realtionship than the legal status (which matters more to me anyway - I don’t really care if it has been formalised be whatever tradition you follow or piece of paper you need) - if you behave like a couple, and have the commitments of a couple then I would tend to name you like a couple.
>
> Although if you dun like husband / wife terms (or dun believe in formal marriage) I would try to respect that
Ah, yeah, I have heard defacto from antipodeans, I remember now. We don’t use it here, though.
'Er indoors works well for me too, and the missus isn’t too bad. I wouldn’t want you to refer to my partner as my wife, though, because she simply isn’t.
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### Author:  [@Sailboat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sailboat)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/50 "2010-01-13T13:14:15Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#):
>
> missus sounds like someone who cooks all day and waits for her husband to come home every evening in pearls and an apron.
What’s wrong with husbands coming home in pearls and aprons?
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### Author:  [@Sticks\_and\_Scones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sticks_and_Scones)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/51 "2010-01-13T13:28:43Z")
Jackson Browne refers to his female partner of 16 or so years as “[My Stunning Mystery Companion](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UsDtPE5Oe1w).” (Quoted link is a youtube video with sound.)
Here’s a [lyrics](http://www.lyrics007.com/Jackson%20Browne%20Lyrics/My%20Stunning%20Mystery%20Companion%20Lyrics.html) link.
It’s a little cumbersome, but I like it. 😃
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### Author:  [@Abby\_Emma\_Sasha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abby_Emma_Sasha)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/52 "2010-01-13T14:16:53Z")
Oh, I’ve got one:
This sweet, sweet man who tolerates and loves a neurotic, egotistic, whiny ass brat who is constrantly needy.
Win.
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### Author:  [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/53 "2010-01-13T14:43:11Z")
> [@Sailboat](#):
>
> What’s wrong with husbands coming home in pearls and aprons?
And nothing else.
Regards,
Shodan
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### Author:  [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/54 "2010-01-13T14:47:23Z")
The correct term to use is “Errum”.
As in a father introducing his daughter’s live-in partner: “And this is Joe. He’s Kathy’s…err…um…”
😃
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### Author:  [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/55 "2010-01-13T15:12:44Z")
> [@Marley23](#):
>
> I don’t think I’ve ever noticed that. I’ve seen people use “they” when referring to individuals, but not as an attempt to hide details.
>
> **Carol Stream** is the only poster I can think of who went out of her way to disguise her gender. I’m not going to speculate about why she did any of the things she did.
I notice that you confidently use the pronoun ‘she’. So the matter is settled, then?
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### Author:  [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/56 "2010-01-13T15:23:11Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#):
>
> I notice that you confidently use the pronoun ‘she’. So the matter is settled, then?
I wouldn’t call **Carol Stream** “settled,” would you? 😉 But she did post about her husband once or twice, I think, and gave some hints about being a woman. Men don’t usually get angry about being called “man hands,” for one thing.
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### Author:  [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/57 "2010-01-13T15:31:30Z")
> [@Marley23](#):
>
> I wouldn’t call **Carol Stream** “settled,” would you? 😉 But she did post about her husband once or twice, I think, and gave some hints about being a woman.
Ah, but self-loathing queers are often the most adamant outspoken homophobes. So he mighta been that.
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### Author:  [@Teacake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Teacake)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/58 "2010-01-13T20:14:05Z")
**Rigmarole** , why should someone be ashamed or embarrassed to “admit” being in a same-sex relationship? Just because they don’t choose to reveal it to you doesn’t mean anything apart from it not being relevant to what they’re talking about, and also not being any of your business.
Why is gender so important to you? Would you also like to know our partners’ age, race, height, and weight? They’re just as important to your understanding of our stories, according to your flimsy rationale for demanding to know partners’ gender. Heaven forfend you should picture a white face when someone’s partner is black, or an older, slimmer person when actually the significant other in question is a youthful chubster!
In addition, partner implies a settled relationship, with commitment and equality, but doesn’t pin down whether you’re married or not. Again, to do with relevance. Whose business is it whether or not I’ve been through that particular ceremony? Since you are not my accountant, my parent (of either gender :p) or my solicitor, I contend that this is another thing which is not your business unless I choose to make it so.
Or the use of “partner” could mean that the speaker is left-wing. Go to a trade union festival like Tolpuddle, and you won’t hear the words husband and wife from one side of the weekend to the other!
To sum up my response to your question, “why do people intentionally disguise the gender of their “partners”?”, I would say, “why the fuck shouldn’t they, if they want to?”.
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### Author:  [@Telcontar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telcontar)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/59 "2010-01-13T20:30:15Z")
Personally I’m more flummoxed by not knowing the gender of posters (poor Zeriel), but this is also an issue. Not that I don’t do it too.
> [@tumbleddown](#):
>
> It could be that they really don’t think it matters what parts they or their partner(s) happen to have. It’s the same as with babies, the first thing that anyone asks is “boy or girl?” Honestly, why do you care what genitalia someone else’s child has? It’s a bizarre fixation that some of us aren’t interested in pandering to.
There really isn’t a lot to know about a baby. It is healthy, is it a boy or a girl, is it genetically related to whoever it is supposed to be? Bam bam bam. Rest is details.
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### Author:  [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)
#### Post date: [January 13, 2010, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/why-do-people-intentionally-disguise-the-gender-of-their-partners/524671/60 "2010-01-13T21:01:42Z")
> [@Teacake](#):
>
> **Rigmarole** , why should someone be ashamed or embarrassed to “admit” being in a same-sex relationship?
Dunno, you tell me. Like I said, I don’t care.
> [@Teacake](#):
>
> Just because they don’t choose to reveal it to you doesn’t mean anything apart from it not being relevant to what they’re talking about, and also not being any of your business.
Except when you’re telling a story, it sort of is relevant because it gives you some context.
> [@Teacake](#):
>
> Why is gender so important to you? Would you also like to know our partners’ age, race, height, and weight? They’re just as important to your understanding of our stories, according to your flimsy rationale for demanding to know partners’ gender.
Sure, why not? Any good storyteller knows to give the details that makes the tale more salient. Earlier **panache** gave a very detailed description of his lover. It’s not strictly necessary, but now when I read something he posts about him I can visualize it much more readily. But gender is absolutely fundamental to identity in our society and if you’re not giving any other details, that’s the most important one to give.
> [@Teacake](#):
>
> To sum up my response to your question, “why do people intentionally disguise the gender of their “partners”?”, I would say, “why the fuck shouldn’t they, if they want to?”.
Hell if you want to live in a cave and never reveal anything about yourself to anyone, go ahead. But when you come to a place like this and start telling personal stories but are only willing to share an absolute bare minimum of details, it gets annoying and tedious to your audience.
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